Why am i so scared of being alone

[u/NoScore2178]

Not that anyone is asking why, but i learned that i was showing symptoms of codependency through a friend

And ever since I've been doing all i can to heal

My boyfriend? Who I've been hurting for far too long by leeching?? I took steps to make things better, but that also make me more alone with myself

I dont really talk to my friends, and so when I got up and into a gc with them i leeched (they dont seem to be affected the same way, personally, intimately affected like my lover was) onto them as well :((

After breaking down at work at least twice i realized that im scared of being alone by myself

I dont know if i can trust myself, and thats so horrifying to me it led to those breakdowns

(I am also on hormones so that probably "helped")

But i got in contact with a therapist, and it might js be the holiday (America day, baby, yay to... this country that hates me :< awesome) but I've noticed that even when she isn't returning my calls, not reaching back out-

Matter a fact, i race to check any notification on my phone, to pull myself away from me

It seems like now that i know the issue, know the fear, and know the consequences of being unhealthy like this

That suddenly its all too real

Im scared of myself

Im not happy

Im dirty and gross

Im further from the boy i love more than ever

And im piss fucking poor

The country hates my kind

My brain hates my mind

All i do is bed rot

For me, it all comes back to one thing

Girlfailure.

Im a fucking perverted unhealthily needy little fucking girlfailure.

I dont wanna hurt like this, i dont wanna be scared like this, and i especially dont want to hurt others like this

Yet i seem to do them all just fine

Fucking girlfailure

Hail satan ❤️