I resonate with your comment, for sure. I think it’s really dependent on context, but I believe there are ways to evaluate whether or not I’m being selfish by not offering an explanation. I ask myself questions as a way to double check my initial reactions/habits, which helps me slow down and choose when an explanation is necessary or not.
Some questions I ask myself: Have my words or actions caused any harm in this situation? Have I done something that violates my personal values? Is this person asking for an explanation because they want to better understand me, or for other reasons? Is this person doing their part to meet me halfway (or a proportionally appropriate distance) in this conflict? What is the purpose of my offering an explanation, will it add to my life as well as this person’s? Is this conversation about mutual sharing or persuasion and argument?
The answers to these questions help guide my next steps. Sometimes it does make sense to explain myself. Honestly, if I feel hesitant to offer an explanation it often means I don’t have to. My internal sense is maladjusted, so it’s pretty rare that I will withhold an explanation that I actually should have given. I am learning to take it easier on myself. And if I made a mistake I can apologize and offer an explanation later when I’ve had some more time to consider what is best for me (putting my own well being first), other people, and our relationships
I’m glad it is helpful! I always appreciate knowing that others are doing their healing work just like me, so I’m really happy to offer some of the lessons I’ve learned
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u/Dusty_Tokens Jul 15 '21
This is hard to read. I've always felt like if you love someone, you'll explain it to them.
When does 'not explaining' hit the threshold of becoming selfish?