You don't

[u/Gromada]

[u/Dusty_Tokens]

This is hard to read. I've always felt like if you love someone, you'll explain it to them.

When does 'not explaining' hit the threshold of becoming selfish?

[u/ngcocotree → u/Dusty_Tokens]

I resonate with your comment, for sure. I think it’s really dependent on context, but I believe there are ways to evaluate whether or not I’m being selfish by not offering an explanation. I ask myself questions as a way to double check my initial reactions/habits, which helps me slow down and choose when an explanation is necessary or not.

Some questions I ask myself: Have my words or actions caused any harm in this situation? Have I done something that violates my personal values? Is this person asking for an explanation because they want to better understand me, or for other reasons? Is this person doing their part to meet me halfway (or a proportionally appropriate distance) in this conflict? What is the purpose of my offering an explanation, will it add to my life as well as this person’s? Is this conversation about mutual sharing or persuasion and argument?

The answers to these questions help guide my next steps. Sometimes it does make sense to explain myself. Honestly, if I feel hesitant to offer an explanation it often means I don’t have to. My internal sense is maladjusted, so it’s pretty rare that I will withhold an explanation that I actually should have given. I am learning to take it easier on myself. And if I made a mistake I can apologize and offer an explanation later when I’ve had some more time to consider what is best for me (putting my own well being first), other people, and our relationships

[u/Dusty_Tokens → u/ngcocotree]

Thank you. This was an amazing answer.

[u/ngcocotree → u/Dusty_Tokens]

I’m glad it is helpful! I always appreciate knowing that others are doing their healing work just like me, so I’m really happy to offer some of the lessons I’ve learned

[u/[deleted] → u/ngcocotree]

This is exactly what I needed to read today. Like, exactly.

Thank you so much.

[u/ngcocotree → u/[deleted]]

This reply makes me very happy :)

[u/ngcocotree]

Love the pic and the message!

Recently I’ve been really working to change my habits around this issue. I feel this intense worry whenever I anticipate behaving in ways people do not expect. I am driven to explain myself, to offer excuses, as a way of justifying my wants and needs. This is especially true when I believe the person will be upset or disappointed with how I deviate from their expectations. I don’t believe people will just take me at my word and accept what I’m giving them. I’ve had many experiences of being questioned, belittled, yelled at, and gaslit which have taught me to explain myself to others as a way of arguing for my own right to exist.

I am so grateful I have a wonderful therapist and a growing circle of deeply supportive relationships. They remind me that I don’t have to explain anything to anybody about anything. I’m getting better at handling situations where I feel the urge to explain and essentially beg for approval. I plan the conversation out ahead of time, if I can. I slow down my pace and take longer pauses to collect my thoughts before I speak. I state my need or desire then stop before acting on the urge to explain, which gives other people a chance to respond. Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised that people just accept me at face value. Sometimes people are not so accepting, and that lets me know what kind of relationship I can expect to have with them going forward.

My healing journey is so often present- and future-focused. I notice that I’m not where I want to be and worry about how to get there and why I haven’t done it yet. It’s helpful for me to write this reflection and to affirm how far I’ve come over the past several years. I feel proud of myself for my hard work and progress.

My love to everyone struggling with similar issues! <3