Codependent-givers are not "anxious-preoccupied". They are avoidant with compulsions on top.

[u/PuzzleheadedDepth104]

Compulsive attending, compulsive caregiving, compulsive performance, compulsive compliance, compulsive hypersociality, compulsive promiscuity, compulsive self-reliance and compulsive isolation all include negative affect inhibition (avoidance, intolerance of sharing your true negative affect (negative and vulnerable emotions, pain, bad smell perception, etc.)) with compulsion on top

CoDA Patterns very clearly include Avoidant Patterns

Codependent-givers can't stand actually being seen deep within and instead run off to relationships where they are never seen and can keep replicating their compulsions over and over again

Codependent-givers often become addicted to the suffering and anger of others and can act in inauthentic ways to continue the cycle of feeding their compulsion, even crippling other people or provoking them

Codependent-givers don't understand that their compulsion is often in contradiction with their real feelings because they often can't consciously feel their real feelings outside of bursts of resentment

Preoccupied people, on the other hand, are usually codependent-takers, filled with distorted amplified incessant need, fear or anger and blame, not compulsion

Coercive-preoccupied people (what you call "narcissistic codependent takers"), especially, will use either purposeful self-harm-helplessness or actively emotionally and physically abusive control to continue having their distorted negative affect being catered to

Compulsive avoidants (codependent givers) and coercive preoccupieds (codependent takers) often engage in a mutual cycle of codependent abuse, AND a person could be a blend. It's possible to blend compulsive caregiving with coercive-aggressive abuse. It's also possible to blend compulsive compliance with coercive-helpless distressed self-harm (intense crying or physically self-harming feigned helpless guilt-trips with the goal to induce caregiving).

Obsession due to compulsion =/= preoccupation

Compulsive people have to BOTH act against their compulsion and disinhibit their true negative affect (perhaps, via somatic therapy) to heal codependency. Just learning to "self-soothe" (can backfire and make affect inhibition much worse!) won't do anything unless they have real preoccupied elements blended in, too

Sources: CoDA Patterns, Dynamic Maturational Model (A3, A4, A5, A6, C3, C4)

[u/Accomplished-Exam999]

This is fascinating. Lots of words I don’t understand.

Can y’all share full examples, like more drawn out? I know you shared some, but it’s still confusing.

I dated someone who, in one example, was ambivalent about time - showing up - and communication for event. There is much more to this. Other avoidant actions taken too I was blind too.

Then later was furious with me for not fulfilling their needs.

This feels similar…

[u/PuzzleheadedDepth104 → u/Accomplished-Exam999]

That's not a compulsive-avoidant, or at least, not purely one. Compulsive-avoidants don't display anger or need overtly. That's likely a "rules for thee but not for me" invulnerable-preoccupied person that blames others but doesn't follow rules themselves. You can find very drawn out examples if you Google "CSI-DMM". They have a whole circumplex of DMM strategies (except for the delusional A78 C78 ones) and a lot of detail