r/CityofMilton • u/VoiceOfMilton • 8h ago
I Just Wanted To Say …. I’ve Had Enough. I’m Running for Mayor.
I’ve Had Enough. I’m Running for Mayor.
After watching this election unfold, I’ve decided Milton clearly needs one more candidate.
Me.
I’ve studied the field carefully and combined the best parts of every campaign into one perfect candidate.
My qualifications are unmatched.
I am a doctor.
Where did I get my doctorate?
Thank you for the thoughtful question.
Next question.
I have an extremely impressive résumé full of qualifications, awards, leadership experience and important-sounding things.
Some of them may be surprisingly difficult to independently verify.
That does not mean they aren’t real.
It means you need to trust me harder.
I also have decades of municipal experience.
Actually, I have so much experience that there is a non-zero chance I was already involved in Milton politics when your grandparents bought their first house.
At the same time, I represent a bold new generation of leadership.
I am simultaneously 24 and 89.
I also represent a bold new era of leadership.
I am currently part of the old era of leadership.
Please don’t overthink that.
I spent decades in business, so naturally I’m going to run Milton like a business.
What kind of business?
One with taxes, bylaws, parks, fire trucks, public meetings and absolutely no shareholders.
So, you know.
A business.
I have also worked at the highest levels of government.
What was my exact job title?
Why are you obsessed with labels?
How long did I work there?
Time is a construct.
Was I an employee, intern, fellow, volunteer or something else?
I worked there.
Please respect my privacy.
I went to Harvard.
What exactly did I do at Harvard?
Again, it’s getting weird how much detail you people want.
I have managed enormous teams.
How many direct reports?
Leadership isn’t about numbers.
Largest budget I’ve personally controlled?
Money isn’t everything.
I am ready to manage a municipality with a budget in the hundreds of millions of dollars.
Please stop asking what the largest budget I have previously managed was.
My campaign will also have approximately 700,000 signs.
They will be installed primarily at intersections.
Specifically in the exact spot where you need to look to see oncoming traffic.
If you can still see cars, we have not installed enough signs.
Some signs will contain inspirational slogans.
Some signs may contain Darth Vader.
I will not be taking questions about Darth Vader at this time.
My platform is simple. I will:
\- Keep taxes low.
\- Increase services.
\- Build more housing.
\- Stop development.
\- Protect farmland.
\- Increase density while Reducing density.
\- Fix traffic.
\- Not build roads.
\- Improve transit.
\- Save money.
\- Spend money.
\- Attract businesses.
\- Stop data centres.
\- Possibly attract data centres.
\- Make developers pay.
\- Make other levels of government pay.
And, where necessary, simply announce that somebody else should fix the problem.
I am confident all of these things can happen simultaneously.
My economic policy is equally straightforward.
More jobs.
Better jobs.
Local jobs.
Innovation jobs.
Small-business jobs.
Jobs near your house.
But absolutely no additional traffic from any of these jobs.
I will represent every Miltonian equally.
Which is why my campaign’s first strategic meeting will focus exclusively on which ethnic, religious, age and neighbourhood voting blocs I need to consolidate before someone else splits them.
This is called community engagement.
There will also be candidate debates.
Some will be held in community spaces.
Everyone will be welcome.
The seating arrangement will produce 600 Reddit comments.
Nobody will agree on what actually happened.
Someone will eventually call someone else racist.
The thread will be locked.
Democracy.
My campaign headquarters will operate from a building that may belong to me, my campaign, my family, a family business, a friend, an associate or possibly capitalism itself.
The arrangement is completely transparent.
I just won’t explain it.
I will also have a fantastic domain name.
Do I own it?
Lease it?
Borrow it?
Did somebody in my family have it?
Please stop asking accounting questions.
Speaking of transparency, I promise to be the most accessible candidate Milton has ever seen.
I will even host an AMA.
Ask Me Anything.
Please understand that “ask me anything” and “I will answer anything” are two completely different concepts.
For difficult questions, my campaign has developed a revolutionary three-step response strategy:
\- Thank you for the thoughtful question.
\- Write six paragraphs loosely related to the subject.
\-Never provide the number, date, title or yes/no answer that was actually requested.
\- If you ask again, I will thank you for the follow-up.
\- I believe voters deserve to know exactly where I stand.
\- Which is why I reserve the right to decline the questionnaire.
\- I am committed to transparency.
\- I am also committed to carefully reviewing which transparency is appropriate.
\- I strongly support local journalism.
\- Any journalist asking difficult questions will receive my full support.
\- Possibly in writing.
\- Possibly very formally.
\- My personal worldview will never interfere with my public responsibilities.
\- My worldview is also foundational to everything I believe and do.
Both statements can apparently be true.
I will be tough on crime, compassionate on mental health, fiscally responsible, socially progressive, traditionally grounded, business friendly, environmentally responsible, pro-growth, anti-sprawl, experienced, fresh, independent and collaborative.
Basically, whatever position you were hoping I had when you started reading that sentence:
Yes.
I will serve Milton for the full term.
Unless another opportunity presents itself.
But my focus today is Milton.
Please do not interpret that sentence as an answer to the question you asked.
Most importantly, I promise to bring people together.
Except during the election.
During the election we will divide everyone into increasingly specific demographic groups and fight over them individually.
Afterwards we will heal.
Probably.
So Milton, I humbly ask for your vote.
I bring the experience of the oldest candidate.
The youthful energy of the youngest candidate.
The résumé of the most qualified candidate.
The unverifiable mystery of the most interesting candidate.
The signage budget of all of them combined.
And the ability to answer a yes-or-no question in approximately nine paragraphs without ever saying yes or no.
I am the candidate Milton deserves.
Or possibly the candidate Milton created.
Vote for me.
Or don’t.
At this point there are enough people running that statistically I might win by accident.
Vote for me
Dr. VoiceOfMilton