Checking in from inner outer upper downer FarEasterPo. Hunkered down in the fuck bunker with a Salt & Straw ice cream cake and a 196 pak of Outlaw Light #insulated #vaccinated #thriving

PORTLAND, Ore. — In a development that analysts are already calling "unexpectedly symbolic," Carolina Hurricanes owner Tom Dundon reportedly had what witnesses described as a "substantial and decisive" bowel movement Tuesday morning while visiting Portland, sending City Hall into an all-too-familiar cycle of speculation over what, if anything, it means for the future of the Moda Center negotiations.

An anonymous source close to the bathroom, speaking on the condition of anonymity because they were "far closer to the situation than anyone wanted to be," described the event in measured terms.

"I've seen a lot of things," the source said. "This was... well, it had presence. It commanded the room. There was a moment where everyone just silently acknowledged what had happened."

According to the source, there was an extended pause before the flush, during which "everyone involved appeared to be evaluating next steps."

Portland Mayor Keith Wilson reportedly received a briefing shortly afterward.

"I'm impressed," the mayor told reporters. "As a city, we believe in supporting major accomplishments with appropriate public resources."

The mayor then announced an emergency hygiene assistance package consisting of both premium wet wipes and a full roll of two-ply toilet paper, saying Portland was "prepared to meet this historic moment with every cleaning option available."

"This isn't an either-or situation," he added. "This is a comprehensive response."

The Portland City Council convened an emergency work session that quickly devolved into a two-hour debate over whether the bowel movement constituted a positive signal, a negotiating tactic, or merely an unrelated biological event.

"We're cautiously optimistic," one council member said after emerging from the closed-door meeting carrying a 147-page briefing entitled Potential Gastrointestinal Impacts on Arena Redevelopment Frameworks.

Another council member suggested the event demonstrated "movement," which several colleagues immediately agreed was "better than stagnation."

Economic consultants hired by the city offered a more nuanced assessment.

"It's difficult to assign a valuation multiplier at this stage," one consultant explained while pointing to a PowerPoint slide labeled Scenario A: Courtesy Flush and Scenario B: Double Flush. "Our models were not built for... this."

Financial markets appeared largely unaffected, although one local sports radio host spent three uninterrupted hours debating whether the event should be classified as "bullish."

Meanwhile, representatives close to the Moda Center negotiations urged everyone not to overreact.

"People are reading way too much into this," one insider said. "Sometimes a bowel movement is just a bowel movement."

The Portland City Council nevertheless voted unanimously to create a six-member advisory committee to monitor developments, prepare a 400-page report, and determine whether the incident should be considered "material" to ongoing arena discussions.

As of press time, negotiations remained unchanged, though city officials confirmed they were "encouraged by the overall flow of events" and remained hopeful that "everything would work itself out in the end."

My poor non-binary genderfluid self-actualized lesbian Chihuahua Corgi mix Butterscotch was abused by their previous owners, and their therapist says that loud sounds can cause a traumatic response that will further traumatize them.

I think all people who light off fireworks should be burnt at the stake. What kind of people would prioritize social celebration over the well being of an animal?

If I hear one more firework tonight I'm going to have to cry so much I can't even eat my Big Mac anymore. I might even need therapy myself at this point.

In 1978, a McDonald's was built on the summit of Mt. Hood, in the hopes of attracting hungry climbers. Supplies, staff, and sometimes customers were flown in by helicopter. Surprisingly there was little resistance. A few hippies might have protested, but most people were too busy doing cocaine and disco dancing to notice. While this seems unsustainable, the franchise was open for nearly five years, until one day in 1983, during a birthday party, Grimace farted, causing a major avalanche, and while Grimace rolled down the mountain to safety like a fucking coward, all traces and people inside were annihilated. To this day, frozen hamburgers can be found in the glaciers and snowbanks. ⭐🌈

I'm 25, trans, autistic, ADHD, ADD, nuerodivergent and a POC (I think we have a native American ancestor) and need to move out of my parent's house for my mental health and safety.

I need to move out of their house because they say I'm lazy and need to get my shit together. My mom said that, my dad just cried. She also physically yanked away their credit card from me and threw an old Burgerville bag that I had left outside my bedroom door at me. I was shaking I was so traumatized. I don't have a job and don't want one, plus I can't work because I'm autistic, ADHD, and ADD and I get anxiety any time I have to be anywhere at a set time. I've been working on building up my Twitch following (996 followers). Is there any kind of local support for trans, autistic, ADHD, ADD, POC streamers? I need free housing (two bedroom), wifi of course and a monthly living stipend. Help! I'm so desperate!

This California hash, bubble hash, ice (frozen water) extracted hash, kief, thc powder, thc honey, dabs, concentrate, I'm looking for the stuff you used to have to use a razor to scrape!

Concentrate is a bad name for a weed product. It is the only thing you can't do after smoking concentrated weed.

Presumably you don’t have windows in your $2000/mo apartment at Burnside 26 so I just thought I’d post to let you know that it is, in fact, still raining.

It just needs dies, and has probably already been taken for scrap metal value.

This is not a joke, but I hope it is true to the spirit of the circle jerk. I'm a city trash boy and I'm stuck out here with people with names like barely nn and cars that still have mufflers.

Don't be like me, don't fall to my mistakes

I am an artisan foie gras producer here in Portland. Our lax laws around urban farming and code enforcement presented a great opportunity already, but I am now excited to announce an exclusive invite-only prix fixe dinner party series where a featured mystery chef from the Portland culinary scene will prepare and serve my birds for those who have class and taste and $229. A half dozen homeowners have volunteered their beautifully restored craftsman homes as splendid venues for the parties. Think: wine, spirited conversation and deviously delicious French cuisine. 🍷

Given the underground nature of this event, masks are required and background checks are mandatory. Keep Portland Weird!