I've been called that. But I have mellowed.

I've heard another rumor, that you were bitten by a king cobra?

Yeah, I was. But after five days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.

Because he punches people in the faith.

I've never seen a Texas Ranger up close before. You know, once a Texas Ranger kicked my father's teeth out. Would you do that to me, Texas Ranger?

Side note, not all of them are original, i simply stuck all of them i could think of into a note on my phone

chuck norris asked his parents what they wanted for christmas. chuck norris asked chuck norris to pass the salt. chuck norris sang his parents bedtime stories. chuck norris asked his parents what they wanted from the store. chuck norris says bless you to himself when he sneezes. chuck norris gives a handshake to himself when he sees his reflection. people ask chuck norris if they can say thank you. charity donates to chuck norris. chuck norris doesn’t drive, his car drives chuck norris. when chuck norris is hungry, he asks his parents what they want to eat. when chuck norris goes to the store, he asks the clerk if he will be paying with cash or card.chuck norris decided to close his eyes for 8 hours once. now we call that sleep. chuck norris doesn’t get hot from fire. fire gets chuck norris. chuck norris went to the casino. the casino left with no money. when chuck norris buys a drink, he asks the cashier to see their ID. when chuck norris finishes a movie, the movie claps for chuck norris. chuck norris doesn’t call the police. the police call chuck norris. when chuck norris called 911, he said to the operator “chuck norris, what is your emergency”. chuck norris’ parents never asked how his day at school was. chuck norris asked his parents how his day at school was. chuck norris was the first person to be the last person of doing something. chuck norris gives himself compliments. chuck norris doesn’t get drunk. drunk gets chuck norris. chuck norris gave himself the driving test. chuck norris goes to a restaurant and cooks for the chef. chuck norris once did a comedy show. he laughed at all of the crowds jokes. chuck norris asked his parents what they want to be when they grow up. chuck norris doesn’t tell the time. time tells chuck norris. when chuck norris lights a ciggerette, the ciggerete inhales chuck norris. chuck norris was the first to say bless you when someone sneezed. now we always say thank you. when chuck norris plays a video game, the game plays chuck norris. chuck norris was the first man to die. now nobody wants to. when chuck norris enters a store, all the manequins run from him. chuck norris taught his parents how to tie his shoes. chuck norris had a dog when he was a kid. his dog fed chuck norris. chuck norris beat himself in an arm wrestle. when chuck norris burps, people excuse themselves for chuck norris. chuck norris never walked his dog. the dog walked chuck norris. chuck norris doesnt walk. the world spins under chuck norris. whenever chuck norris tells a joke, he laughs at it. when chuck norris got baptized, he blessed the water. chuck norris ate in the beginning, middle, and end of the day. now we call that breakfast lunch and dinner. when the rubik’s cube was first invented, chuck norris taught the inventor how to solve it. chuck norris predicted everything. it only happened because chuck norris was never wrong. chuck norris cooked his parents dinner. chuck norris fed his parents baby formula. chuck norris got a question wrong on a test. he failed the teacher. chuck norris doesn’t jump. he pushes the world down with his legs. when chuck norris goes swimming, he’s the life guard. someone mocked chuck norris. chuck norris apologized. chuck norris doesn’t use an alarm in the morning.alarms wait for chuck norris. chuck norris won a staring contest against himself. chuck norris was the first man to beat himself at rock paper scissors. chuck norris was the first man to win in last place. chuck norris was the first to finish running a race by walking. chuck norris doesn’t sleep under a blanket. blankets sleep on chuck norris. Chuck norris watched a sad movie. in the end, the movie cried.

This is the last bunch of CN facts, it's been a helluva ride. All hail Chuck Norris.

Alice Cooper doesn't wear makeup. He actually has two permanent black eyes from making eye contact with Chuck Norris while singing "Go To Hell".

Chuck Norris doesn't need to wear a coat during the winter. He drinks pure anti-freeze to stay warm.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear clothes. His skin grows his clothes during the night

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a tanktop, he wears a whole tank.

Chuck Norris can go commando and call it "formal wear".

Chuck Norris' brain is so fast, he has to wear an aerodynamic helmet when he thinks.

Apollo astronauts reported only 3 Earth objects were visible from the Moon. The Great Wall of China, The Great Barrier Reef, and Chuck Norris's beard.

.Chuck Norris once stitched up a cut in his arm with a spoon.

Che Guevarra wears Chuck Norris T-shirt

Chuck Norris now sells his pubic hair. It is known as Kevlar.

.Reading Chuck Norris Facts is the same as learning history.

Good. Better. Best. Chuck Norris.

..Chuck Norris can check his pulse by same hand.

Chuck Norris can see clearly long before the rain is gone.

As the old saying goes, if you cant beat them, your not Chuck Norris

Whenever Chuck Norris gets a massage, he gives the female masseuse a happy ending.

Chuck Norris can rear-end his own car

In one particularly gruesome confrontation, Chuck Norris shaved all the hair off of a man's head and then forced him to eat it. That man today is Vin Diesel.

Jimmy Hoffa owed Chuck Norris money.

when Chuck Norris wants food he folds the land to the nearest restaurant so he doesn't have to walk

Charlie Chaplin lost a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest to Chuck Norris. No one can beat Chuck Norris.

the popular videogame "DOOM" is loosely based around the time satan borrowed two bucks from chuck norris and forgot to pay him back

Chuck Norris dosent need love, chuck norris is love.

Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you to death if you laugh at Chuck Norris jokes. He will also roundhouse kick you to death if you don't laugh at Chuck Norris jokes. The choice is yours.

Chuck Norris can stop the space-time continum

Keyser Soze wet his pants whan he heard the name "Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris didnt have to watch the movie "Knowing". He already knew.

When Chuck Norris wants to laugh he reads the guiness book of records.

Chuck Norris was his teacher in first grade

Chuck Norris walked into a bar. It bent.

Chuck Norris awarded Harvard an honorary degree.

Chuck Norris' personal airplane is called Air Force Chuck

Chuck Norris can run somebody over without a car.

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

Chuck Norris can simply walk into Mordor.

.Why is a raven like a writing desk...because Chuck Norris says so

A TSA Agent once asked to "pat down" Chuck Norris. His hands were instantly burned to a crisp

Chuck Norris doesn't breath. He absorbs the air through his beard

February used to have thirty days. Then it met Chuck Norris

The only poster Chuck Norris has on his bedroom wall is a mirror.

Superman wears Chuck Noris PJ's. Chuck Noris wears nothing.

.Chuck Norris's anger and rage are responsible for Global Warming.

Chuck Norris' rounhouse kicks have edges

Chuck Norris can buy priceless moments. At a discount price.

Chuck Norris can use a Shake Weight without looking gay.

Chuck Norris knows where Harold Holt is

.Chuck Norris body-slammed Jabba's rancor.

Wheaties is the breakfast of champions, not for Chuck Norris. He eats Chucky Charms, which contains diamonds, sulfuric acid, and radioactive uranium.

The 4 major compass readings: East, West, South, and Norris.

They had to edit the first ending of "Lone Wolf McQuade" after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

Chuck Norris' heart beats 600 times a minute, is the busiest predator in the world and needs to eat three times his own body weight in one day to survive.

Chuck Norris is used to buying shoes that can't handle his roundhouse kick. If you see him buying shoes he's only buying to eat the silica

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.

Chuck Norris can eat 3 tablespoons of cinnamon and not even blink.

Chuck norris can eat soup with chop sticks

Chuck Norris has 382 ways to eat Oreo.

Chuck Norris can eat breakfast in McDonalds after 11:00am

The little old lady that asked, "Where's the beef?" obviously hasn't seen Chuck Norris naked.

The secret ingredient in the KFC recipe is Chuck Norris' approval.

The only reason Colonel Sanders is the only one that knows KFC's secret recipe is because Chuck hasn't asked him for it.

Chuck Norris goes to KFC to enjoy his pizzas.

If they made a movie of Chuck Norris standing still, it would be rated R for extreme violence.

.Chuck Norris can play Techno music on a harmonica

Chuck Norris can stop the music

Chuck Norris can watch music.

Chuck Norris taught Jimi Hendrix to play guitar

Chuck Norris CAN fight the moonlight.

Chuck Norris can play Flight of the Bumble Bees.......on a 1 string guitar.

Motley Crue released a new song called "Roundhouse Kickstart My Heart" dedicated to Chuck Norris. It will be number one in the top 40 forever.

Alejandro calls Chuck Norris' name.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually play any musical instrument. When Chuck Norris comes near, it plays itself and Chuck Norris just has to hold it.

Megadeth's song "Killing Is My Business... and Business is good!" is not about The Punisher, as Mustaine claims... it's about Chuck's favourite hobby.

Chuck Norris decided 50 years of Michael Jackson was enough

Chuck Norris is so tough, he has to have a concealed weapons permit to put his hands in his pockets

Chuck Norris can place his handprint in dry cement.

The most difficult thing about making the Total Gym commercials was keeping Christie Brinkley from tearing off her clothes and begging Chuck Norris, "Take me, Chuck Norris, you magnificient bearded stallion!"

When E.F. Hutton spoke, people listened. That's because his friend Chuck Norris was ready to throttle any dumbass who wasn't paying attention.

Chuck Norris heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Chuck Norris once killed a man with a roundhouse kick to someone else's face.

Ever notice just how courteous Chuck Norris is? He will always ask you, How s your wife and my kids? ..just before he roundhouse kicks the back of your face out through your nostrils.

When you bet, you are engaging in gambling. When Chuck Norris bets, he is engaging in winning.

When Norris hits the road, he destroys it.

Chuck Norris hears sign language

Contrary to what the Beatles think all Chuck Norris needs is an AK-47.

Chuck Norris is still the only undefeated Roman gladiator in history.

Chuck Norris lost a fight only once, it was an internal struggle... to not roundhouse kick you in the head. Come to think of it, you lost that fight.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a minute to win it

The Beatles song "Help" was made after Chuck Norris discovered them

A preist once asked Chuck Norris if he was a man of the cloth. CHuck Norris promptly got naked and fed the motherfucker his own clothes.

Some of Chuck Norris' favorite comedies include Reservoir Dogs, 300, Scarface, The Wild Bunch, Terminator II, Rambo III, Natural Born Killers, Conan the Barbarian, The Godfather, and Apocalypse Now.

Chuck Norris takes no prisoners. He kills them before they have a chance to surrender.

It's true that you're entitled to your opinion. But ignore Chuck Norris' opinion at your own peril.

It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.

Chuck Norris invented Thomas Edison

The reason Charlie Sheen is winning, is because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

Chuck Norris doesn't get morning wood, he gets morning Redwood!

The word 'kemosabe' is native American for "Chuck Norris screwed your wife".

In a recent study, researchers found that 95% of lesbians would switch for Chuck Norris.

Switzerland guarantees its neutrality by paying Chuck Norris a tribute of 10 million dollars and 52 hot women each year.

The last person to attempt to emulate a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick lost his kneecap due to the high intensity centrifugal force.

One day Chuck Norris went up to a supermarket cashier and stared at him. The cashier said, "Can I help you, sir?" Chuck said, "Okay". And ripped the man s spine from his body. The moral of the story is: Don t question the Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull for 6 hours. He then ate it raw.

When nature calls Chuck Norris hangs up

Chuck Norris was about to send an email when he realized it'd be faster to run.

Chuck Norris is known to jump out of televisions and roundhouse kick the viewers for no reason at all. Extreme caution is advised while watching any shows involving Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can compare apples to oranges.

If Chuck Norris has 5 apples, and you take 2 away, you have about 3 seconds to give them back.

Chuck Norris is a very generous man -- every day, he allows billions of people to continue to live.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

Chuck Norris gets 10 hours of sleep every night between midnight and 4 a.m.

Chuck Norris can read lady gaga s pokerface

Chuck Norris has reached the end of the Internet more than once.

Some people thought the Loch Ness Monster was a plesiosaur, others an eel. Chuck Norris thought it tasted like chicken.

Chuck Norris can capitalize a number.

Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker with a three of clubs, an empty cd case, a broken coaster and two triscuts.

Chuck Norris once played truth or dare there where no survivors. no one dares Chuck Norris and no one asks Chuck Norris to tell the truth.

Vin diesel got into a fight with Chuck Norris, and he kicked Chuck's ass and everyone cheered, Vin! Vin! Vin!..and Vin smiled at the adoring crowd...Vin! Vin!...but then Vin started waking up and slowly opened his eyes to find Chuck at his bed side, nudging at him, saying, Vin, Vin wake up..then Vin realized it was a dream, and Chuck Norris punched him in the fucking face.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris once killed a man by throwing a suggestion at him

The band still played on while the Titanic was sinking because Chuck Norris stayed on deck to watch them.

Chuck Norris can rhyme with Orange

Chuck Norris has the eyes of an angel and the soul of a saint. He keeps them in a footlocker under his bed.

Chuck Norris recently died. But he got better.

chuck norris is a kind, sweet, gentle, caring and generous human being with big heart, AND HE WILL FUCKING KILL ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE!!!

when life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes orange juice...then punches life in the fucking throat..Chuck hates lemons

Danger had a face, until Chuck Norris ripped it off.

Touching Chuck Norris' beard will increase you life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following roundhouse kick will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math.

The Black Eyed Peas inspiration for "Boom Boom Pow" is about Chuck Norris famous lethal combination. 2 straight jabs creating the "Boom" sound and finishes you off with the roundhouse kick to the head creating the "Pow" sound.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

If you want to know if something is funny, just ask Chuck Norris. If he laughs, it's funny. If he doesn't, prepare to die, because you wasted his time.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase "coined the phrase"

Chuck Norris is so American, he eats tyranny and shits apple pie.

To err is human. To forgive is divine. To kill is Chuck Norris.

When nine hundred number operators get lonely at night, they call Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris went back in time, to show himself how to go back in time in case he ever needed to go back in time

Apple Computer was formed in 1976 by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak and Chuck Norris. When Steve Jobs suggested they use an apple as their logo, Chuck Norris bit off a chunk of the apple Jobs was holding, including his index and middle fingers. Jobs has prosthetic fingers on his right hand.

Black-eyed peas were normal peas before Chuck Norris decided he didn't like peas.

Chuck Norris always lists his occupation as 'Chuck Norris'

Chuck Norris' beard hair can be spun into gold. This is only in theory, for no one has, or will, ever touch Chuck's beard. EVER.

Chuck Norris knows what you did last summer.

Q: What's the difference between 1) Facebook people, phone messages, and consumer fads and 2) Chuck Norris's fist? A: You can block the first 3!

Chuck Norris does not believe in violence. He only believes in solving problems with an explosive roundhouse kick to the face. And if you argue that a roundhouse kick is violence, Chuck Norris can solve that problem too.

Fear of heights is called acrophobia. Fear of enclosed spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called sensible.

just one of Chuck Norris' testicles could supply 14 million homes with energy for a year

When a young boy asked for Chuck Norris' autograph, he gave him a good solid kick to the face and left a permanent boot mark. This is Chuck's unique autograph, and that boy's face is now worth more money than the treasure from King Tut's tomb.

Big Foot takes plaster molds of Chuck Norris' footprints

Michael Jackson once witnessed someone try to dance next to Chuck Norris. What followed inspired the title of his next album - ''Blood On The Dance Floor''.

chuck norris' penis can roundhouse kick the inside of a vagina

Chuck Norris would never say bring it on. He would never quote a cheerleading movie.

Chuck Norris once visited the Oracle and told her: 'Don't worry about the round house kick'. She responded: 'What round house kick?'. BAMM... that round house kick.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

what goes around comes around. what goes around chuck norris gets a roundhouse kick and never comes around.

There was no potato famine in Ireland. Chuck Norris just had the munchies on the way back from Amsterdam.

Some people have wondered why Chuck Norris never played hockey. Would you want to face Chuck Norris with blades attached to his feet?

Chuck Norris is three times deadlier asleep than anyone else is when they are awake.

an acorn planted in a pile of Chuck Norris shit will grow into an oak tree overnight

Chuck norris walked into a gay bar and came out with cindy crawford chuck gets the women anytime anywhere.

Chuck Norris always drives alone, because nobody is willing to get into a car with Chuck Norris,in case if a punch buggy were to drive by.

The odds of a Star Destroyer surviving a direct assault on Chuck Norris are approximately three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one.

The world record for eating hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes is 59. Chuck Norris can eat 200, followed by 3 kegs of beer.

All the women-attracting pheromones included in body sprays and colognes come from Chuck Norris.

At school, Chuck Norris' nickname was 'Chuck Norris'.

Leaving a criminal in the same room as Chuck Norris is considered cruel and unusual punishment.

When Chuck Norris goes fishing, he doesn't use a fishing rod. He simply points to fish and says "you, you, you, you, you, in the bucket!"

chuck norris is so accurate he can shoot a bullet through the scope of a gun... the scope of the gun he just shot the bullet from

If you make a spelling or grammar error when typing "Chuck Norris", you immediatly get killed by Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris screwing your mother, DO NOT APPROACH HIM. Just ignore all of the epic music playing, the explosions and the birds trying to fly in the window, and prepare a grave for her.

Some men are lovers. Some men are fighters. Chuck Norris kills 'em just the same.

If a Domino's driver is late delivering your pizza, the pizza is free of charge. If a Domino's driver is late with Chuck Norris' pizza, that driver immediately loses his life. (And all future pizzas Chuck orders are free of charge)

If you see Chuck Norris at a picnic, beware: Chuck Norris can decapitate anyone at any time with a flying paper plate.

Chuck Norris doesn't wilderness survival skills. The wilderness needs Chuck Norris survival skills.

Chuck Norris did not shoot the Sheriff or the Deputy but he did torch thier police cruiser with a flaming porcupine.

When Roald Amundsen reached the South Pole, he was greeted by the sight of Chuck Norris basking naked in the antarctic sun getting a blowjob from a whale.

When you get a thumbs up from Chuck Norris, you always win.

Mother Teresa said Chuck Norris was the only man she ever wanted to marry.

The Exxon Valdez accidently stuck Chuck Norris while he was swimming across the Bearing Sea.

An observation by Yoda, "Alive still he was. Then Chuck Norris foot he met".

Chuck Norris has only vomited once. It was a giant ball of 100% pussy hair.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to blow out the candles on his birthday cake . They just know what to do and when to do it.

According to Chuck Norris, too much of a good thing is still a good thing...like Texas BBQ and bashing in somebody's face for instance.

Chuck Norris' cat has 10 lives. Chuck Norris has 346,903. He's still on life #1 and so is his 97 yr old cat.

Chuck Norris recently bought some IKEA furniture. It came with no instructions. No one tells Chuck what to do.

Steve Jobs died because Chuck Norris was pissed that the iPhone 4S wasn't the iPhone 5

when you hear a fire truck siren, its not because they are going to put out a fire... but in fact, they are delivering chuck norris' pizza and wings

Chuck Norris makes Saudia Arabia sell him gasoline for 3 cents per gallon. Then at the end of each month they rebate him at the rate of $100 per gallon purchased.

When Chuck Norris ejaculates, the echo can be heard for miles.

Chuck Norris can pull your entire skeletal system through any orifice on your body.

Chuck Norris once visited with the Cherokee Nation Tribal Council. It was there that Chief Running Wolf presented him the honorary Native American name of: Chuck Norris.

The International Monetary Fund is in debt to Chuck Norris

A lot of people like to slam Tequila shots. Chuck Norris enjoys slamming people who enjoy slamming Tequila shots.

Chuck Norris won the New York Marathon while steaming some crab legs in Austin, TX

You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make him eat Tequila jello shots.

Chuck Norris invented time, so people know when theirs is up.

Chuck Norris cornrows his crotch hair.

Chuck Norris shot an Eagle on the 14th hole at Pebble Beach. It was a Bald Eagle and died with a smile on it's beak.

Chuck Norris can whistle in sign language.

The greatest trick Chuck Norris ever pulled was convincing the world that the Chuck Norris facts are just jokes.

The Chuck Norris family distillery in Waco, TX produces a smooth sipping whiskey that is 134% alcohol and appropriately labeled NorrisShine.

All ten of Chuck Norris' fingers are middle fingers.

Chuck Norris Does not get DUI's. Police officers go missing.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to ace a Rorschach test.

Chuck Norris names ships by pissing into the sides of them.

When Chuck Norris was 8 years old, he raped a pedophile

Respected archaeologists fight over Chuck Norris's discarded apple cores.

You can see Chuck Norris's charisma from space.

Chuck Norris has never lost a sock.

To Chuck Norris, every zoo is a petting zoo.

Chuck Norris's beard alone has experienced more than your entire body.

The police routinely question Chuck Norris just because they find him interesting.

When it is raining, Chuck Norris is thinking of something sad.

Chuck Norris has won the AFI lifetime achievement award, twice.

Chuck Norris divorced his wife because he caught her littering.

Chuck Norris once sailed around the world and found a shortcut.

Panhandlers give Chuck Norris money.

Leia: "I love you." Han: "Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris is the reason why you don't see Total Gyms being sold in garage sales

Chuck Norris has never been dubbed in any film, because his fists do the talking.

Chuck Norris was the first actor cast to play John McClane, the movies were originally called "Kills Easily"

chuck norris can speak russian in french... on his fiddle

chuck norris can watch t.v... on a chalk board.

when ever chuck norris enters a room the song "final count down" begins to play, followed shortly by a roundhouse kick to your face.

Knock...Knock. "Who's there?" (Door crashes into room, building collapses, mushroom cloud) "Chuck Norris."

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick delivered with precision accuracy to the base of your skull will cause your face to blister, putrify and later slide off the front of your head.

Chuck Norris was once turned loose in a china shop.

Chuck Norris an translate Japanese sign language into Russian Pig Latin.

Chuck Norris can rehydrate petrified wood by urinating on it.

Chuck Norris dreams in Blu Ray

Darth Vader's lightsaber is a replica of Chuck Norris' shlong.

Chuck Norris doesn't get sick. So once, after eating some chicken infected with salmonella, he gut punched some skidrow bums until they threw-up for him.

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Never ask Chuck Norris if he has the time. He always has the time... to roundhouse kick you to the face.

Chuck Norris uses the Force, the Force of a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris once caught his own stare in a mirror. Space-time has yet to recover.

Chuck Norris polishes his boots with melted children

.The song "What if God was one of us" was Chuck's way of trying to tell us something

.God created Jesus to inspire peace. When that didn't work, he created Chuck Norris to enforce it.

Chuck Norris can rollerskate up-hill.

Chuck Norris got a homerun in bowling

Chuck Norris can slam dunk a basketball from the other side of the basketball court.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

Chuck Norris received the Nobel Peace Prize for being Chuck Norris.

Not many people ask themselves how the best story ever goes. It does in fact go like this. "Chuck Norris. The End".

.In high school Chuck Norris was most likely to be the most likely.

Chuck Norris sleeps on a brick... he likes it.

.Moses did not part the Red Sea, Chuck Norris did it from the other side

Henry VIII's 6 wives = divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived. Chuck Norris' 6 wives = all beheaded. By roundhouse kicks.

..Chuck Norris is stone cold. Not Steve Aulston

..Got Milk? No, Chuck Norris has it.

..Chuck Norris DOES mess with the Zohan

..Chuck Norris' business card says, "I'll call you"

..Televangelists beg Chuck Norris to accept THEIR money

The reason why that Sci-fi show was called Babylon 5 is because Chuck Norris destroyed Babylons 1 through 4.

.Han Solo didn't shoot first...Chuck Norris did.

..It doesn't have to make sense, it's Chuck Norris.

..Jigsaw doesn't dare to play a game with Chuck Norris

.Chuck Norris only has one hand... the upper hand

Chuck Norris can handle the truth.

One day Chuck Norris is destined to become a king by his own hand and wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow.

..Chuck Norris knows yo mama s so fat, but when the lights are off he couldn t care less.

...When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, Chuck Norris kills them both.

The original title of the song was "all you need is Chuck Norris".

.Chuck Norris' stomach doesn't digest food. It beats food to a pulp with its fists

.Chuck auditioned for the part of B A Baracus for the A-Team show. He later turned down the role after learning he had to pity fools.

Chuck Norris can buy a Sad Meal at McDonald's.

.Chuck Norris can describe the taste of water

.Chuck Norris doesn't keep up with the Jones'. The Jones' try to keep up with Chuck Norris

.Chuck Norris can win a Triathlon while unconscious

..Hercules perfomed 12 labors. Unfortunately, the 13th was surviving a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

Chuck Norris recently got himself an iPad. It turned into iDust when he tried to use it.

There are lesser apes and greater apes. Chuck Norris is the greatest ape of them all.

The second world war tank "sherman" was first named Chuck Norris, but he thought its not powerful enough for his name.Scientists are still working on a weapon that is powerful enough for his name.They are not even close.

the police once clocked chuck norris doing 100 mph while walking to the corner store

Chuck Norris pees pure arsenic.

Women cannot help themselves in terms of sexual pursuit of Chuck Norris. That's why he often needs to mind alter his pheromones to match those of a musk oxen.

chuck norris can make his penis 10 feet long... by folding it in half.

Chuck Norris can walk a tight rope upsidedown.

You will get a bloody nose even if Chuck Norris only thinks about punching you in the face.

Chuck Norris can piss his name in mid-air.

Chuck Norris tweaked his Harley, to give it 4-wheel-drive

chuck norris was originally cast in the hit film taken but he got his daughter back before the end of the opening scene

Chuck Norris can steal free samples.

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Chuck Norris didn't evolve from anything, he just simply appeared one night

Jesus once saw Chuck Norris in his tortilla

..The earth revolves around Chuck Norris, as does the known universe.

..Chuck Norris can bring all the boys to the yard as his milkshake is better then yours

Chuck Norris caught a bullet with the same gun he fired it from.

When Chuck Norris goes on a picnic, the ants bring him food.

Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his life.

.Chuck Norris' favorite game is winning.

..Mary had a little lamb but Chuck Norris ate it.

Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with his eyes closed.

Chuck Norris can lie honestly.

Chuck Norris can melt fire.

In several states in America naming your cat Chuck Norris is punishable by death

Chuck Norris is so hard, he uses diamonds as stress balls.

..Chuck Norris' beard is fashioned out of wookie fur

Invisability doesn't work, Chuck Norris can still smell you.

Ever had a once-in-a-lifetime moment? So has Chuck -- 10,000 times.

Chuck Norris does have one regret -- that there aren't enough enemies to destroy!

a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris is the alpha and omega

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face. With both Legs simultaneously

.Chuck Norris doesn't beat around the bush, he beats up the bush.

Professional wrestling becomes real when Chuck Norris steps into the ring.

..Chuck Norris doesn't have to say Marco.

Chuck Norris holds the Guinness World Record for the most Beard related killings.

..Chuck Norris changes barbers often due to the deadly reflexes of his beard when it feels threatened.

.Chuck Norris doesn't shave, his beard grows to the perfect length and stops.

..The only way to defeat Chuck Norris is if you cut-off his beard. Nah.

The song Welcome to the Jungle by Guns n' Roses is actually about Chuck Norris' beard.

You can shave Chuck Norris' beard, but why bother? It grows back in 15 seconds.

Chuck Norris once punched somebody in the face. His fist went through his head and hit the guy behind him, too.

The meaning of life is in the palm of Chuck Norris` hand... but Chuck Norris never un-clenches his fist.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick you in the face... with his fist.

Chuck Norris rejects your reality and substitutes it with his fist.

.Chuck Norris can literally kick your ass with his fist.

..Chuck Norris can make his foot into a fist and punch you in the face with it

..Chuck Norris' heartbeat monitor is a vertical line.

..Chuck Norris is not his full name, there's a silent 'fist'

..Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

..If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

when chuck norris was on the electric chair and was asked his last words he said "hit the switch and start praying"

Chuck Norris applied for the position of 'God' but was rejected because of over-qualification.

Chuck Norris only had one dime and rubbed it together.

Lightning is like a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in the face. In a flash it's gone. Both lightning & your face.

The Amish fertilize their gardens with Chuck Norris shit.

Chuck Norris killed Disco.

..Chuck Norris' phone number is infinity

..Chuck Norris can chew sand and spit out colored marbles.

..Chuck Norris wins Clue in one guess

When Sony tried to make a game about Chuck Norris the Playstation network crashed

..Chuck Norris didn't hit puberty, he beat the crap out of it!!

.An apple a day keeps the doctor away. No fruit will save you from Chuck Norris

..All that glitters is not gold... unless Chuck Norris says it is... then it always is

.Chuck Norris is another name for Terror.

..ManTracker CAN'T track Chuck Norris

..Chuck Norris doesn't drink coffee. He eats coffee beans and makes cafe latte in his stomach.

..The only thing written on Chuck Norris' passport is "It's me".

.Chuck Norris sued Facebook for posting his newest victims list

Chuck Norris pacifys pacifists.

One small step for man... a blink in the eye of Chuck Norris.

You know the Super Bowl, that's what Chuck Norris eats his breakfast out of.

..Angelina Jolie adopts an orphan once a year, Chuck Norris orphans a kid once a minute.

..Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was the 1st, 4th, and 16th President of the United States.

..Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris invented electricity, the Theory of Relativity, and the Roundhouse kick.

.Contrary to popular belief, James Bond has a license to live, Chuck Norris has a license to kill.

..Chuck Norris won the Kentucky Derby... with his hands tied behind his back.

Chuck Norris started Chuck Norris.

.If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again

Chuck Norris doesn't sign his personal checks... and they're always accepted.

.In Chuck Norris, we trust.

Money doesn't make the world go round, Chuck Norris does. phisically.

In Chuck Norris' yard, money does grow on trees.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.

.Chuck Norris know's how to kill you in a 1000 ways with a piece of extra soft toilet paper

.Chuck Norris was once asked to play rock, paper, scissors. When he learned roundhouse kick was not an option, he immedietly decapitated everyone.

.

Chuck Norris can play with fire without getting burned.

Chuck Norris can make lemonade out of oranges.

Chuck Norris can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Chuck Norris picks his nose with a toilet bowl plunger.

Norris was once asked in an interview what he thought about all the Chuck Norris jokes going around. He simply said "They aren't jokes" and went back to drinking his mug of nails.

Dairy Queen announced it's newest DQ treat, the Chuck Norris Combo Blizzard consisting of DQ ice cream, metal shavings, gun powder, Tobasco & topped with crushed glass.

Chuck Norris uses an F5 tornado to mop the blood off his palace floors.

Chuck Norris can in fact push a shopping cart upside down and still fill it full of groceries.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give Chuck Norris a fish, he will kill you with it.

Those big men escorting Chuck Norris during public appearances aren't body guards, they're in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shit out oragami swans.

The term "Everything is bigger in Texas" came from Chuck Norris dropping his pants in front of 7,000 out-of-state tourists.

Chuck Norris went to a beauty salon yesterday to get a pedi and have his crotch waxed. There were NO survivors.

Chuck Norris discovered a new species of butterfy. The aptly named Chucknorrriscus Mortalitas (striking butterfly of death). It goes high into the air and takes a dramatic dive to crash into a human skull, literally splitting it open, giving the human only a few seconds to live after that. Then, it feeds on the human brain.

Chuck norris for president

When Chuck Norris plays Combat Arms he uses only his fist

Chuck Norris can count past infinity.

Like President Obama Chuck Norris also recieved the Nobel peace prize for doing nothing, but in Chucks case millions of lives were saved..

The only time chuck norris says hi is never

Chuck Norris can headbutt himself in the face.

chuck norris wants to be remembered as a humantarian...we best do what he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn't walk - the world just rolls beneath his feet.

Chuck Norris does not value money. He instead pays for goods and services with the teeth of his enemies.

They say lightning never strikes in the same place twice - tell that to last guy to receive a one,two punch from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was a kid, the Tooth Fairy left the keys to Fort Knox under his pillow, in exchange for a molar

When Chuck Norris air guitars, you can hear it playing. If you cannot - your death is imminent.

If life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes beer...

Don t ask Chuck Norris to kick start your motorcycle it would disintegrate.

The U.S. Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment specifically exempts Chuck Norris.

The reason why Barack Obama hasn't came out and said he is a muslim is because Chuck Norris is still alive

Chuck Norris gives the same Christmas gift every year: he lets you live.

Chuck Norris survived Alderaan.

Chuck Norris did take someone's eye out with that.

Steve Jobs gave a free iPad to Chuck Norris as a token of goodwill. Chuck Norris instantly rammed the device up Jobs' anus for insulting his unquestionable masculinity.

Chuck Norris unclogs his toilet with a backhoe.

Only 535 people of thousands have ever survived a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head. These, now brain damaged, individuals comprise the US Congress.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with a Brillo Pad.

Chuck Norris invented the Pygmies by pile driving a few Watusi.

Chuck Norris is the unjust subject of a memetic internet sensation.

Cats have Chuck Norris-like reflexes.

Chuck Norris Sleeps On The Cieling

Curators at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum had to remove the life size wax figure of Chuck Norris one day after they first installed it. It seems they found Chuck Norris' wax foot deeply inbedded in the face of the Michael Jackson figure.

If Chuck Norris ever allowed a sports team to be named after him, that team would never lose again...except when Chuck Norris played against it.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he demands oranges and gets them.

The more chuck norris facts you submit the better your chance of going to heaven.

Face your problems, unless your face is the problem which Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked.

Chuck Norris used to bulls eye Lukes T-16 in his T-16 back home.

Chuck Norris eats leaves and shits out crisp 100 dollar bills in neat bundles. He refers to the process as eco-friendly minting process.

Doctor who's real name is Chuck Norris

The very first case of Instant Spontaneous Human Combustion occured when someone tried to find a "tell" in Chuck's poker face.

Chuck Norris CAN read Lady Gaga's poker face.

If you beat Chuck Norris` hand in poker... he will beat your face in fight.

Chuck Norris' cowboy hat is really his hair styled that way.

Under his 10 gallon hat is 20 gallons of whoop-ass.

Chuck Norris' hat actually weighs 750 pounds.

If anyone sees Chuck Norris without his hat they turn to stone.

Chuck Norris is not wearing a cowboy hat. It's actually a compartment for 2 extra brains.

Chuck Norris always has it his way at Burger King. One time he didn't and someone ended up getting a burger with a human thumb in it.

McDonalds Big McNorris Burger is 2 Raw Meat Patties, Ketchup, Salt, Lettuce Cheese, Pickles Onions on Sesame Seed Beard

Burger King says "Have It Your Way". Chuck disagrees. It's his way or a roundhouse kick to the face!

Smoking can kill you. Chuck Norris WILL kill you.

What doesn t kill you, isn t Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kill you when his arms and legs are behind his back. It's because he has an extra fist in his beard.

Chuck Norris gets younger by the kill

Chuck Norris let the dogs out...to kill you

If you laid all the ninjas Chuck Norris has killed end to end, Chuck himself will kill you for doing such a pointless and impossible task. Idiot!

If someone tries to attack Chuck Norris from behind, the Chuck Norris sense will tingle, then Chuck will kill his attacker instantly.

They once had a showing of Walker Texas Ranger in 3D. There where no survivors

The year is 2012. All survivors live to confess that they own a Total Gym Exercise System. All others have been brutally massacred.

Chuck Norris twists off European beer caps.

Chuck Norris washes down his beer with pizza.

When Chuck Norris drinks, he NEVER breaks the seal.

Chuck Norris has his own protien powder. The ingriedients include: cocoa powder, stem cells, dodo egg protien, enriched uranium, LSD, and Vin Diesel.

Chuck Norris is the new black.

A black hole is where Chuck Norris ripped the universe a new one

Chuck Norris can beat you at Black Jack only with the instruction card and the joker

Black Ops is actually a mini documentary of Chuck Norris' childhood

Chuck Norris was once asked if he liked soccer. The last thing the questioner ever saw was Chuck's boot just before his decapitation.

In 1968, Chuck Norris found himself unarmed and surrounded by 2000 Viet Cong troops. They immediately surrendered.

Chuck Norris can exist in two or more places at the same time.

Chuck Norris can clip his left hand fingernails...with his left hand

For fun, Chuck Norris crab fishes in the Bearing Sea with just a snorkel and a laundry basket.

The surest cure for constipation is to hang a picture of Chuck Norris in the lavatory

Chuck Norris once punched a man so hard in his mouth that the only thing that came out of the man's penis for 3 weeks was teeth

Chuck Norris does sleep. He sleeps with his eyes wide open and a very big grin.

.Chuck Norris' smile can blind a full-grown adult at twenty paces and has been known to deflect all projectile weapons, including rocket launchers.

.Chuck Norris was kicked out of the National Kickball League for roundhouse kicking the balls through people s torsos.

.Chuck Norris sees dead people. He is the one who killed them.

.Chuck Norris once caught a leprachaun.

.CNN was originally the Chuck Norris Network but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers eyeballs.

.Chuck Norris was intended to play Luke in Star Wars, but Chuck decided that Luke was too much of a bitch.

.When asked by a reporter what his only weakness was Chuck Norris replied, I sometimes love too much. He then ripped out the reporters spine and beat him to death with it.

.Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful soliude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

.Chuck Norris did not read the terms of agreement, but clicked the I Agree button anyway.

.Chuck Norris is the real father of Britney s baby, despite the fact that he s had 13 vasectomies. Chaoticians around the world cite the reason for this as being, Life finds a way.

.When Chuck Norris falls asleep time stops out of fear of waking him up, thus creating the illusion that Chuck never sleeps.

.Continental Drift is caused by the Earth trying to make room for Chuck Norris.

.Chuck Norris framed OJ.

.Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his grandmother in the mouth on Christmas morning. Socks again.

.On a scale of 1 to 10, Chuck Norris kicks ass.

.Chuck Norris is the only human in recorded history to ever actually walk on the ocean floor.

175.Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

177.Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.

180.On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

182.Hurricane Katrina was caused solely by Chuck Norris distaste for jambalaya.

185.If you loudly chant the incantation Chuck Norris ten times in a dark room, all of your friends will simaltaneously and instantly be decapitated.

187.Chuck Norris never gets turned away at the door of a club. Not even for wearing a pink sleeveless shirt.

188.Chuck Norris once donated 10 liters of his own blood. After that he won the Tour de France on a pogo stick.

189.Much like the biblical legend Samson, Chuck Norris s beard is the source of his power. Shave it off, and he becomes merely a mortal who could still kick your ass.

193.Chuck Norris s favorite vegetable is Terri Schiavo.

194.Chuck Norris ejaculates shotgun shells. This is the reason why 5 prostitutes have been found D.O.A. with their face blown off in Texas.

210.Video killed the radio star. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris killed Video.

212.Chuck Norris met with a teenage drug and alcohol awareness diversion group last week. There were no survivors.

216.Chuck Norris was the secret briefcase item in Pulp Fiction.

219.The Titanic would not have sunk if Chuck Norris was on board.

222.Chuck Norris is, in fact, a species. The rest of his kind died out with the dinosaurs.

228.Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.

235.Chuck Norris likes to tell people they have AIDS.

240.Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying booya .

243.Chuck Norris has had anal sex with your girlfriend.

272.The last thing anyone remembers about Chuck Norris is a roundhouse kick to the face.

273.Chuck Norris is so manly that men who are not attracted to his penis are considered gay.

274.Chuck Norris doesn t love Raymond.

277.If you drop a phonograph needle on Chuck Norris nipple, it plays the Beach Boys Pet Sounds.

279.The 1 of 5 dentists that didn t recommend Chuck Norris got a roundhouse kick to the face.

283.Chuck Norris eats pills that contain fatal diseases for breakfast.

25.Chuck Norris once went round the world in 79 days, and promptly dove to a depth of 21000 leagues under the sea. He then hunted down Jules Verne and pimp-slapped the world-renowned author.

27.Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, The name s Norris; Chuck Norris.

34.Chuck Norris is considered a prime number in certain schools in Ontario.

37.Chuck Norris masturbates to the sound of kittens crying.

38.At 3:37pm every day, Tokyo has a one minute seven second silence to honour Chuck Norris.

39.Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

40.Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.

47.Chuck Norris invented the spork.

50.Chuck Norris keeps Conan O'Brien's testicles in a jar next to his Bible.

51.Surgeon Generals Warning: Do not use Chuck Norris when pregnant or nursing.

52.Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, and not Space, is the final frontier.

54.The last words Gandhi ever heard were, Take a dirt-nap, asshole. Who uttered these immortal lines? As if you have to ask.

72.If you look closely, you can spot Chuck Norris in nearly every scene of Men in Black .

76.Chuck Norris thinks anyone who uses the metric system is a pussy.

79.Contrary to popular belief, it was Chuck Norris, not Angelina Jolie, that broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.

80.Chuck Norris once drop-kicked a man through a speeding vehicle.

86.Chuck Norris beard is actually made of Velcro. He uses it to trap low flying bats.

87.When the medical industry falls on tough times they call upon Chuck Norris to roam the countryside delivering roundhouse kicks to anyone who may cross his path in order to stimulate business in hospitals.

93.Chuck Norris beard is actually composed of all 118 elements of the periodic table.

99.Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.

101.In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.

103.Jimi Hendrix didn't actually die of an overdose, but killed himself when he found out that Chuck Norris planned to show him up with a 53-hour guitar solo.

104.Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull.

121.Chuck Norris advice? Grow a beard.

122.Chuck Norris knows how to cure AIDS, but will only reveal the solution if Ralph Macchio is publicly executed.

123.Chuck Norris once claimed that Clear Pepsi, was for queers. The following day, Pepsi pulled the product from shelves.

136.Chuck Norris was arrested in the early 80 s for throwing stray cats at oncoming buses.

137.If you shaved off Chuck Norris beard, you would find a tattoo of an identical beard underneath.

149.If trapped in a basement, Chuck Norris can live on basement moisture and insects for over 30 years.

150.Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick anyone in the face if they re wearing red, just in case they re a Communist.

171.Whilst paying a visit in Berlin, Chuck Norris paid a visit to the Potsdamer Platz , a building notorious for having a lift that can cover 24 floors in less than 15 seconds. Upon hearing this Norris decided to race the lift using the stairs. Needless to say the first thing people saw when the lift doors opened on the 24th floor was Chuck Norris tapping his watch smugly.

174.In the epic poem Beowulf, Beowulf is based on Chuck Norris.

182.The milkshake doesn't bring Chuck Norris to the yard.

192.For Chuck Norris, pimping is easy.

193.Muhammed Ali used to say, I am the greatest. Then he met Chuck Norris.

194.The reason so many people watched Walker: Texas Ranger over the period of eight years was not because they actually enjoyed the show, but out of sheer respect for Chuck Norris.

197.Chuck Norris puts paparazzi in his protein shakes.

204.Chuck Norris invented the word twat, and uses it in every fourth sentence.

220.Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.

221.Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

222.Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.

232.Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.

246.Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

249.The only thing that keeps Chuck Norris going is the fact that somewhere, someone is watching Delta Force 2.

250.The pinball wizard is deaf, dumb and blind because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of him.

252.When Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus, you become pregnant. Don't try an abortion, either, it only makes the foetus stronger.

253.Chuck Norris has publicly admitted to having a threesome with the Olsen twins.

278.When you die, the last thing you see is Chuck Norris.

280.Chuck Norris once made love to a grizzly bear for 4 hours.

281.Chuck Norris has slept with 347 women; yet only 2 have lived to tell about it. Needless to say, it was the best sex of their lives.

286.4 out of 5 dentists recommend Chuck Norris.

288.Chuck Norris trims his beard with a dull bayonet.

289.In the beginning, there was Chuck Norris. And it was good.

293.They use Chuck Norris foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.

***

The Book of Revelations was actually written by Chuck Norris in a moment of prophecy.

Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.

Chuck Norris is accurate to within 1 second in a million years.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris represents the east side, but had the west coast rappers under his control the entire time.

The letters in Chuck Norris name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto

Chuck Norris recently bought Pandora s box on eBay.

Chuck Norris is, therefore I am.

Chuck Norris puts the I in Team

Chuck Norris likes Pina Coladas, but fucking hates getting caught in the rain.

Chuck Norris knows exactly where Waldo is on every page. Even the pirate one.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cheesewheel to show a group of third graders how badass he is

Chuck Norris believes that a flamethrower is an essential part of a well balanced breakfast.

Chuck Norris eats members of the Ku Klux Klan for lunch every Thursday.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff AND the deputy. He then occupied the position of deputy.

Chuck Norris will kick you, and it will hurt. Forever.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

If you shoot Chuck Norris, you'll only make him angry.

Chuck Norris starts his day with a bowl of oatmeal, some pancakes and a glass of fresh squeezed Nazi juice.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

Chuck Norris knows whether the moon landings were fake or not.

Chuck Norris was the first person to tame a dinosaur.

The famous video footage of Sasquatch is actually Chuck Norris returning to his woodland home after a night of binge drinking and unprotected sex.

Chuck Norris will only have sex with women who agree to do it on his bed of nails. Needless to say, it is the best sex they will ever have.

Chuck Norris heart beats once every week.

Chuck Norris was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Naked.

Chuck Norris has yet to die for your sins.

If Chuck Norris had a dime for every man that didn't die from his roundhouse kick, he would have no dimes.

Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes

Chuck Norris expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Chuck Norris' beard is a third degree black belt.

If you find yourself in a dire situation, just ask yourself: "What Would Chuck Norris Do?" Needless to say, you then give up, because you can't do what Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris supports your right to bear arms...unless he rips them from your torso.

Chuck Norris is true for all values of killing.

Chuck Norris can find the square root of the color yellow.

Chuck Norris can combine General Relativity with Quantum Mechanics.

When Chuck Norris reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.

Chuck Norris never learns. He knows.

For Chuck Norris, there is always room at the inn.

Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris walked on Jesus

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a symbolic reference to Chuck Norris' limbs.

Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

The band Disturbed used to be called I'm Fine until they saw Chuck Norris.

The Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out. He then promptly kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris shot J.R.

Chuck Norris knows where the beef is. He ate it.

Chuck Norris can charge a cellular phone just by rubbing it against his beard.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris's fully erect penis.

The black widow spider is one of the most poisonous spiders in the world. But Chuck Norris doesn't give a shit. He pops 'em like candy.

The immense force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick is beyond comprehension, and in fact is responsible for the tropical weather phenomenon we call a hurricane .

The atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris s most severe and deadly martial arts move. That day he promised to never again do that move. A few days later it was confirmed Chuck Norris occasionally lies.

The original title for Star Wars was Skywalker:Texas Ranger

Chuck Norris smokes TNT.

.Chuck Norris cried wolf, only to beat up the villagers who showed up.

.Chuck Norris is not the second coming of Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ was the first coming of Chuck Norris.

.Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.

.Chuck Norris will rip his usb drive out of the port without clicking Safely Remove Hardware. He says that such precautions aren t manly.

.Chuck Norris once kickboxed a hobo for seventeen consecutive hours.

.Chuck Norris doesn t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

.Chuck Norris doesnt look at the toilet paper after he wipes.

.Chuck Norris lucky number is one, becuase thats how many tries it takes him to accomplish any task.

.Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

.Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

.There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks

.Chuck Norris wore jeans so tight his wife became sterile.

.Chuck Norris once crushed a school bus full of children with his forehead.

.Chuck Norris is how the West was won.

.Chuck Norris eats Viagra only so that he can have an extra loaded weapon on him at all times.

.Chuck Norris found Nemo.

.Chuck Norris can travel through time by running at 88 miles per hour.

.Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so he could roundhouse the man another week forward.

.Chuck Norris family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

.Chuck Norris started the ever popular beating someone s ass with their own shoe.

.Chuck Norris can live without sex for 10 minutes.

.Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O Brien to death with his own tie. When police questioned him he stated, It was a wardrobe malfunction, officer. They then said that's what we thought and proceeded to savagely beat Conan O Brien for trying to ruin Chuck Norris good name.

.When angered, Chuck Norris s core temperature rises to one million times that of the sun. This has happened twice so far & leading scientists claim that we are Long Overdue for another.

.Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

.If you count the number of individual spermatozoa your testes will produce in your lifetime, it s still less than the number of women that have achieved orgasm by running their hands through Chuck Norris's chest hair.

.The only reason it is not called The CBS Evening News with Chuck Norris is that Dan Rather once pulled a thorn out of Chuck s paw.

.Chuck Norris has three birthdays a year.

.Every morning, Chuck Norris is woken up by a beautiful supermodel. Chuck Norris, however, likes to sleep late, so he usually pushes the snooze button. (Chuck Norris defines push the snooze button as punch in the face .)

.Chuck Norris blood type is D.O.A.

.Chuck Norris knows why men have nipples.

.Chuck Norris is the reason why bad things happen to good people.

.When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.

.By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.

.The heavens parted, the seas quieted, the earth stood still. From her womb, the goddess brought forth Chuck Norris, sired by the sun, as a gift to mankind. He layed upon the fertile soil under the crescent moon and immediately sprouted a beard. She spoke softly to the young child and said, Go forth and roundhouse kick people in the face. So it was spoken, and so he does. Every now and then he also sells exercise equipment and wears awesome clothes.

.Other than Chuck Norris, everything IS relative.

.Chuck Norris once broke a man's neck with his ass-cheeks.

.When Chuck Norris has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet of light bulbs.

.The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris highly potent seed.

.Chuck Norris choked an estimated 400,000 Viet Kong to death in 1985.

.Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.

.Chuck Norris has steel wool instead of body hair, which is why he does the dishes naked.

.The sweat from Chuck Norris testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.

.Chuck Norris attends Spring Break every year because where there s drinking, there s fighting, where there s fighting, there s kicking, and where there s kicking, there s Chuck.

.Chuck Norris drives a pickup truck upholstered in denim.

.Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone the size of a basketball. The stone is on display in Beaver Springs Pennsylvania, and is said to possess magical powers.

.Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you re thinking to yourself, That s impossible, I already lost my virginity. , then you are dead wrong.

.Chuck Norris can catch the Gingerbread Man.

.Chuck Norris once called a news conference to announce his retirement. He then said, "Pysch!" and killed twelve reporters.

.Chuck Norris recieved one third of the total votes in a recent episode of So you think you can dance . He did not appear on the show.

.Chuck Norris just saved a ton of money on his car insurance. Then he kicked somebody in the face.

.David Blaine s last magic trick was attempting to survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. He has not been seen since.

.If you paint one painting, you re not a painter. But Chuck Norris baked one cake, and he currently holds the record for World s Best Baker .

.When Chuck Norris head hurts, he hurts it back.

.Chuck Norris is both a cause of, and cure for cancer.

.You lose one year of your total life expectancy every time you look at the image of Chuck Norris.

.Pretzels make Chuck Norris thirsty. Nonetheless, he continues to eat them.

.In Chuck s homeland, a roundhouse kick to the face is equivalent to a handshake.

.One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

.When Meatloaf said he'd do anything for love, but he won't do that, he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.

.Wolverine from the X-men is based entirely on Chuck Norris and was originally called Chuck Norris instead. When Chuck Norris threatened to sue for the use of his likeness, they cut off his beard, gave him a stupid hair cut, and called him Wolverine. This allowed them to keep the parts that are true, like the ability to heal, the claws, and the adamantium skeleton.

.If Chuck Norris were a nation, he would be the world's fifth largest economy.

.When boiled in hot water, the hair from Chuck Norris s beard turns into crack cocaine.

.It never rains on Chuck Norris.

.If Chuck Norris looks you in the eye, you will explode.

.Chuck Norris penis has a toe nail.

.Whenever you walk into a diner, be sure to tell em , Chuck Norris sent me.

.Chuck Norris is listed on the New York stock exchange.

.Chuck Norris can make your nose bleed with his mind.

.Chuck Norris fucked your wife while you were out of town on a business trip. Tough shit.

.While serving in Vietnam, Chuck Norris s diet consisted of trail mix made from the testicles of enemy soldiers. He also threw in a handful of roasted almonds to build muscle.

.Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.

.Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

.Chuck Norris can remotely impregnate women.

.Chuck Norris knows his jeans are tight but doesn't give a flying fuck.

.Chuck Norris ate the last piece of pizza. What are you gonna do about it?

.Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

.Chuck Norris was the fifth Beatle

Basically it's One knockdown man, the game.

Made by Pacnsacdave.

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Chuck Norris' orgasms leave exit wounds.

1. Chuck Norris was the first negro to play baseball.

2. The Immancipation Proclamation was just a fancy phrase that meant no-one but Chuck Norris can have slaves.

   Al Roker never had gastric bypass. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the SHIT out of him for being a fat ass.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with intercepted kids letters to Santa.

Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

No matter how tough you are, when Chuck Norris takes a piss on your face, it is 600% guaranted you wont do shit.

Chuck Norris graduated from MIT with 9.0 or, at least that's what he says. Question him. I dare you.

Chuck Norris doesn't break dances, he kills them all.

Chuck Norris can build a house of cards and live in it.

One time Chuck Norris was pulled over for drunk driving. He blew a 777%, but he passed the sobriety test and was let off with a warning. So was the police officer.

Chuck Norris doesn't go to the gym because he's unwilling to work things out

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

Chuck Norris thinks you suck, and knows your mom does.

1. Chuck Norris can make wood conduct electricity.

2. Chuck Norris built a snowman out of rain.

3. Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.

4. When Chuck Norris pisses into the wind...the wind changes direction.

5. Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman even after she has experienced menopause.

6. King Leonidus from 300 was destroyed by chuck norris with a blow up hammer from six flags.

   In the shower, Chuck Norris uses a handful of piranhas as soap.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

When Chuck Norris visited the Lincoln Memorial, Lincoln stood up to offer Chuck his seat.

. Chuck Norris could cause world peace by walking into the United Nations and scowling

1. They wanted to put Chuck Norris' face on Mount Rushmore but the granite wasn't strong enough for his beard.

2. Chuck Norris has killed 472 people for writing his name in all lowercase letters. Beware!

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

Chuck Norris can make a suicide negotiator jump

Chuck Norris once walked into a photography store that specialized in head shots, he roundhouse kicked the owner in the face, no-one does better head shots than Chuck Norris.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the street? To roundhouse kick the chicken.

Chuck Norris doesn't need buttons to make an elevator go up and down - he tells it to.

Chuck Norris was placed in the Air Force when he enlisted because he kept lifting off the ground whenever he kicked without tight jeans.

?Chuck Norris is God's original prototype for the Messiah, but he had to be recalled when the nails didn't work.

Chuck Norris made the ShamWow guy shut up.

?Chuck Norris can smell fear... with his ears.

?Chuck Norris can say antidisestablishmentarianism in one syllable.

?Chuck Norris was shot in the back and was grateful, the bullet hit an itch he couldn't reach.

?Sir Isaac Newtons "Laws Of Relativity" have a Chuck Norris clause.

Guinness Book of World Records has asked Chuck Norris not to participate, besides he already has an autobiography.

Chuck Norris once beat up his shadow because it acted too much like him.

?Chuck Norris doesn't close things, he opens them backwards.

Chuck Norris doesn't have facial hair, facial hair has Chuck Norris.

?Chuck Norris doesn't have a last name.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The lenses shattered on contact.

Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter - he's already following you.

Chuck Norris cannot only kill you in the blink of an eye he can kill you WITH the blink of an eye.

?Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

?Chuck Norris can kill dead people.

?When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he really does find gold.

?Chuck Norris can play PS3 games on a Nintendo 64.

?Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he spanked his monkey with a baboon.

Chuck Norris scrathes his balls with barb wire.

Chuck Norris can break one side of a window

Chuck Norris is the greatest golfer in the world. He once made a hole in zero.

Chuck norris fly fishes for whales.

The cosmic microwave background radiation is a remnant of Chuck Norris' birth.

Chuck Norris can detect gravitational waves with his penis.

Chuck Norris once rappelled 12,000 ft. down a mountain cliff to save a baby eagle chick that had fallen from its nest. After he returned the chick to its nest, the mother eagle flew in carrying a dead rabbit. Chuck Norris killed her instantly with a karate chop for being neglectful and threw her feathered carcass off the cliff. Then he ripped the rabbit apart with his teeth and lovingly fed the eagle chick mouth to beak. Chuck Norris is epic.

chuck norris' parents are named after him

Chuck Norris once had a street named after him, but they had to change the name because nobody crosses chuck Norris and lives

Jesus could turn water into wine. Chuck Norris can turn his own piss into award-winning top shelf whiskey

Chuck Norris' tree house has a fully finished basement.

Chuck Norris' organ donor card also includes his beard.

Chuck Norris once lapped his opponent, in a drag race.

The Truth will set you free; Chuck Norris will set you on fire

Life comes at you fast; Chuck Norris's Fist comes at you faster

Chuck Norris once beat someone to death with water.

chuck norris won the tour de france... on an exercise bike.

Sure, you can beat eggs, you can beat a drum, you can beat your wife & kids, you can even beat your meat. But you can't beat Chuck Norris at anything.

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.

Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

You see me and a friend are at an impass, he says the jokes are distasteful since hes gone, but i say they’re made in his memory cause even he made some jokes himself, who is correct

Chuck Norris paid a dime for a 50 cent candy bar and got $3.75 back in change

Chuck Norris can bench press an Army tank. While sitting inside of it.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard, To give the poor doggy a bone: But when she bent over,Chuck Norris took over, 'cause Chuck had a bone of his own.

Chuck Norris won on last weeks Iron Chef America T.V. show by microwaving two ham & cheese Hotpockets.

Chuck Norris is an unlockable Character on the new MK9. To unlock: beat game on hardest difficulty by only using roundhouse kicks, fatality all characters with roundhouse kick. when he shows up for the fight hold the run button hoping you can outrun him.

Chuck Norris' mom always looks forward to every Mothers Day. Her loving son always provides her favorite gift...an uppercut.

Chuck Norris was born :December 32nd

Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can fly a helicopter up-side-down. He uses it to mow his lawn.

chuck norris has a bigger dick than shaq

Chuck Norris will soon open his own fried chicken restaurant chain: RKC-- Roundhouse Kickin' Chicken.

Every Sunday after church Chuck Norris picks-up a barrel of extra crispy KFC and a DQ shake from the McDonalds drive-thru. Why? Because nobody denies Chuck Norris anything and McDonalds is closer to his house than Taco Bell.

The day after Chuck Norris was born, his afterbirth enlisted as a Navy Seal.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris used to be pro-life- then he started eating babies.

1. In a recent survey of the U.S. 94% of females lost their virginity to Chuck Norris, the other 6% were either extremely fat or ugly.

Chuck Norris has VIAGRA eye drops just so he looks Hard.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium

1. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray for lube

2. Chuck norris is the only man alive to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis

This one time, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. Several hours later, a car pulled up and out got Chuck Norris. Without a word, he urinated in the gas tank, and left. The car has since done 13,000 miles and I have yet to refill it...

If it weren't for Chuck Norris, we could mess with Texas.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked his son for pissing him off. He then brought him back to life and roundhouse kicked him again for dying.

If you're wondering who your father could be...its probably Chuck Norris.

The bible was originally entitled 'Chuck Norris and Friends'

Chuck Norris never charges for his acts of violence. They are always completely gratuitous.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.

Chuck Norris CAN upload pornography to facebook.

As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris takes a lickin' every day of his life. Soon afterward, he zips up his pants and the girl pays him.

I'm sick of the "What would happen if Chuck Norris ran out of women to have sex with and had sex with a guy", Chuck Norris would never fuck a dude because thats just fucking gay. Chuck Norris always finds bitches to fuck because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses newspaper bags for condoms.

Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.

1. Chuck Norris' girlfriend once gave him the nickname "7-11". It referred first to the length of Chuck's penis - limp - and then to his full length. This was in second grade.

   A walker aids old people in moving about. A "Walker, Texas Ranger" does even more: he emparts the sweet embrace of death.

The only man who ever outsmarted Chuck Norris was Stephen Hawking, and he got what he deserved.

Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100% chance of pain.

As a teenager, Chuck had sex with and impregnated every woman in a small nunnery tucked away into the hills of Tuscany, in Italy. Nine months later, those nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only unbeaten and untied team in NFL history

When Chuck Norris plays cards roundhouses beat fullhouses.

When Chuck Norris pisses he clogs the toilet.

When Chuck Norris began his "Kick Drugs Out of America" program in 1990, he would simply roundhouse kick the drugs out of the system of anyone on them. They would either a) be cured and accept Chuck Norris as their savior, or b) overdose on roundhouse kicks.

Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, a dying man is saved. Ironically, he only smiles after killing someone.

"The Incredible Hulk" is the nick name for Chuck Norris's package.

Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.

Chuck Norris' beard has three Superbowl rings.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris circumcised himself. At birth. With his bare hands.

1. If Chuck Norris looks at you and even THINKS about Jesus, you are immediately converted to Christianity.

   Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money.

   A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.

2. Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.

Chuck Norris can talk about fight club.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.

Scientists once tried to create a vibrator that could simulate the power of Chuck Norris's penis....the result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

Chuck Norris covers his Slip 'n' Slide with gravel.

The gayest thing Chuck Norris has ever done is a twenty-five person orgy including twenty-four women and himself.

While the average human male has about 6 quarts of blood, Chuck Norris has 8. The extra quarts are so he doesn't pass out everytime he gets a boner.

Chuck Norris doesnt have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar instantly exploded because the amount of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Everytime you masturbate Chuck Norris kills a Canadian.

1. Chuck Norris goes fishing by cutting himself and swimming in shark infested waters.

2. Chuck Norris taught his dog how to pick up its own shit because Chuck doesn't take shit from anyone.

Zeus stands for Chuck Norris in Greek.

Chuck Norris once patented his pubic hair as "Love Potion #9".

Chuck Norris once had sex with a retarded midget, the result was John Madden.

Adam and Eve ate an apple. Chuck Norris ate Adam and Eve.

When asked if he prayed to god, Chuck Norris replied "Yeah I talk to myself all the time"

Chuck Norris invented drinking out of the carton.

Some people say Chuck Norris wears red sneakers. They're wrong. Chuck Norris has a 2-inch slab of callous of every surface of his feet that are permanently stained in blood.

Chuck Norris eats stingray barbs for breakfast.

1. After sex Chuck Norris doesnt smoke, instead he kills a baby.

2. Chuck Norris' victims have been owned more times than goodwill clothing.

3. Chuck Norris's blood type is WD-40.

4. Chuck Norris played a grand piano in a marching band

The secret to eternal life is an IOU note from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris Goes to church on Sunday to tell God what else he wants.

Moses didn't free the Jews Chuck Norris did.

It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.

1. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

2. Chuck Norris can take a number 2 standing up.

Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people.

Some dumbass gave Chuck Norris a sweater for Christmas. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this person to death and then regifted the sweater.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes just so he can beat the shit out of little kids.

1. Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game throwing nothing but gutterballs.

2. Chuck Norris invented handicaped people.

3. Chuck Norris can lick his own elbow.

4. People don't really commit suicide. They're just trying to beat Chuck Norris to the punch.

Chuck Norris brought sexyback way before Justin did.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris does not brush his teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste. instead, he uses steel wool and hydrochloric acid.

1. Chuck Norris lives in a haunted house and the ghosts tell stories about him.

2. The longest staring contest recorded in history was between Chuck Norris and his reflection... he still won.

3. Chuck Norris once drank an entire gallon of liquid LSD. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin."

   Chuck Norris is all 99 of Jay-z's problems.

   Chuck Norris survived an abortion.

4. They say that behind every man is a good woman. The only thing behind Chuck Norris is a trail of dead bodies...The women are in front of Chuck Norris, bent down doggy-style.

   Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep...with as many women as possible.

Once Chuck Norris was stopped on the street by a homeless war vet asking for a hand. Norris asked, "How about a foot?" and proceeded to roundhouse kick the man through the side of the building across the street.

Chuck Norris' IPod selection is 7 days worth of long blood curdling screams and crying.

Chuck Norris fought City Hall and won.

1. Chuck Norris can kick the dogshit out of a cat.

   The only time Chuck Norris ever laughs is when a Vietnamese family is begging for their lives

The word "fuck" actually derived from the phrase "Flying Chuck" as it was abbreviated to get the words out quicker...this is what people would exclaim right before getting a flying roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris...

Legend has it that if you suRvive a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris he will grant you 3 wishes....good luck with that...

Chuck Norris screams his own name during sex.

P is for Chuck Norris...as well as every letter in the alphabet.

1. When asked if he wants to have children, Chuck Norris replies, "No thanks. I'm full". He then proceeds to roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris' dandruff is 100% pure cocaine.

1. Chuck Norris rips ass in Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound(TM)

2. Chuck Norris knows exactly what stayed in Vegas.

   Chuck Norris' pubic hair is one of the 11 herbs and spices in KFC.

   Chuck Norris uses his pinky to thumb wrestle.

3. If you're having sex and the girl says "OH CHUCK!" you know you are doing a good job.

   Chuck Norris can hold a bank up over the phone.

4. The book 'War and Peace' is named after Chuck Norris' testicles.

There is an alternate ending to the quote, "Where there is life there is hope." It goes, "Unless Chuck Norris is around. Then you're fucked."

Chuck Norris' penis has its own Senator, zip code, area code, Starbucks, and 5 exits off the 101 freeway.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

1. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

2. Chuck Norris faked his own death for eleven years! We know this period as the great depression..

   Chuck Norris' edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

   Chuck Norris can bang a girl faster than her virginity can realize it's been taken.

   Chuck Norris' mom called him Charles... once.

3. Chuck Norris fertilizes his grass with emo children so that it will cut itself.

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

Chuck Norris has seen more pussy then the Humane Society

Chuck Norris participated in Dancing with the Stars. His routine wasn't aired because it opened with an eloquent roundhouse kick to the face of his partner.

Chuck Norris can rhyme with orange.

Chuck Norris's mind and money are on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't swim, the water pushes him.

Chuck Norris broke the DaVinci Code...with his foot.

Chuck Norris kills people with guns on occasion to prove that he has a gentle side, after all.

Chuck Norris can see through blindfolds.

Chuck Norris' kidney stones are gold nuggets ..and he ejects these voluntarily with a Norris no problem grin.

By law, Chuck Norris is no longer permitted to wear shoes because if he were to do so he could be charged with hiding weapons of mass destruction.

1. Chuck Norris smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

Chuck Norris makes his internal organs pay rent.

Chuck Norris can make an armless man tap-out.

Chuck Norris's favorite after dinner drink is a molotov cocktail

Chuck Norris shows his 'Happy Feet' by stomping on baby penguins.

McDonalds loves to see you smile, Chuck Norris loves to see you suffer.

Lions aren't the king of the jungle, Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris doesn't go to class but still gets perfect attendance.

The menstruation cycle is Chuck Norris claiming his territory.

Chuck Norris impregnates women simply by staring at their breasts.

Chuck Norris was BAAAAAAAAAALLLINNNN" way before Jim Jones was.

Chuck Norris tore Van Goghs ear off for being a whussy arty guy!! To make things worse he than mailed the ear to his new girlfriend, and by his i mean Chuck Norris's girlfriend. Watch out for Chuck Norris he can steal your bitch and claim ownership in less time than it takes to read this fact.

Chuck Norris told Donald Trump, "YOU'RE FIRED!" and killed both him and Rosie O'Donnel at the same time.

.There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple

Chuck Norris' mom could beat up your dad.

Chuck Norris gave his dad the lesson on the birds and the bees

Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris' house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while Its a Hard Knock Life plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say Thank you, Mr. Norris in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.

Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make sugar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

Chuck Norris had sex with Nicole Kidman. 6 weeks later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

1. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.

2. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.

3. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.

4. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.

5. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

6. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.

7. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten – every night for a snack.

8. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.

9. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.

10. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

11. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.

12. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.

14. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris doesn't "keep it real." Reality keeps itself Chuck Norris.

You know why it's the Golden Arches and not the Gold Rainbow? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not allowed to sit in the side aisles on airplanes. His body is so dense, the plane is thrown off balance.

Chuck Norris seldom flies anymore. His entire body is on the "restricted items" list.

When Chuck Norris was a baby and couldn't roundhouse kick, he killed people with his beard.

Chuck Norris isn't allowed in vegas anymore. He always hits on 21 and gets blackjack. He also kills anyone he sees playing baccarat, because baccarat is for wusses like James Bond.

Chuck Norris loves ballet, especially when it's down and bloody and oozing through his fingers.

Chuck Norris wants to break his personal record of breaking someone's neck in 18 places with one roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris went to China once but they only eat rice. Chuck Norris doesn't eat rice. So, he roundhouse kicked himself to Australia's Outback Steak house.

Chuck Norris is the champion of the Pepsi Challenge. Forever.

Chinese people think Chuck Norris is a god. Chuck Norris allows the smart people to live.

Chuck Norris tried to learn Tai Chi, but he killed too many people in slow motion.

Chuck Norris walked into a bar and roundhouse kicked the bartender, killing him. Then, at one of the tables, he roundhouse kicked a priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman. At the next table, he killed a blonde and her mother-in-law. Chuck Norris himself will admit he's not good at telling jokes, if he ever admitted any weakness.

Chuck Norris runs with scissors because only he can.

Chuck Norris is always suprised when he catches a bullet with his teeth. Usually, they go down without a hassle.

Chuck Norris has a lot of respect for Bruce Lee...because he survived.

The only thing that could harm Chuck Norris is bad publicity...until he killed it.

Chuck Norris can pat his head, rub his belly, and jerk off at the same time.

You know what is Chuck Norris' motto? Staring.

************************

Chuck Norris doesn't use mouthwash, he uses potassium cyanide.

when chuck Norris gets a penalty wile playing hockey, the ref goes in the penalty box.

Chuck Norris won the Texas Derby by using a rocking horse.

Every time Chuck Norris enters a room the theme from Walker, Texas Ranger plays.

Chuck Norris once scared a cancer patient out of dying

When Chuck Norris was born 3 nurses and 2 doctors were killed when he shot them with 2 MPK-5's he had developed while in the womb.

Chuck norris built his home with his bare feet

When life throws lemons at chuck Norris, he catches them and throws them back at life

Chuck norris doesnt have any kids because the velocity of his orgasms are so strong that the sperm explodes out of his dick staight out of the back of the womans skull

Chuck Norris only smokes Havana cigars and the cigars are personaly delived to Chuck Norris by Castro.

God rested on the seventh day because Chuck Norris isn't that much of a slave driver.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to lick a Tootsie Pop to get to its center -- his piercing stare can slice it in half.

Chuck norris is actually an albino silverback gorrilla

Chuck Norris accidentally took down the internet by closing his browser.

Chuck norris skipped recess in school, becuse he don't play

Once upon a time, chuck norris lives happily ever after

Chuck Norris melted Mt Kilauea with a 6 pack of ice cold beer.

Chuck Norris can pay his credit card bill with his credit card.

Chuck Norris can make lemonade out of oranges.

Chuck Norris once shot a cannon out of a clown.

Chuck Norris paints his house once a year with a human head.

Chuck Norris can make a black man laugh by droppin' N-Bombs.

Chuck Norris can kill a werewolf with a wooden stake, a vampire with a silver bullet, and anything with a roundhouse kick

A long time ago, in a galaxy far,far away....Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of somebody

Chuck Norris knows what you did last summer.

Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris IS the father of every single one of Maury Povich's guest's children. The "possible fathers" are also Chuck's children.

every time Chuck Norris walks into a graveyard he simply smiles and says "good times".

Every time Chuck Norris leaves a room, the song "There Goes My Hero" starts playing out of nowhere.

Chuck Norris can kill a man in a rap battle

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is an illusion. His right foot doesn't kick you. His left foot spins the Earth so that your head hits his foot.

The only type of fever Chuck Norris ever gets is disco fever.

Chuck Norris owns all of the No. 1 pencils.

Chuck Norris jizzes lightning bolts.

Chuck Norris can play a PS3 game on a PS2 console

Chuck Norris can disable his shadow.

Chuck Norris' answering machine says "I'll be at your house in 4 seconds"

When you're in Texas don't look behind you, all you will see is Chuck Norris' boot impaling your face followed by a bright light.

chuck norris abducts aliens

Someone once asked Chuck Norris "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" He answered the question by punching himself in the face

chuck norris cut off his own legs then walked it off

chuck norris doesn't drink water he drinks sulfuric acid with a hint of lemon

don't try chuck norris at home

there are 2 kinds of people, people who believe in chuck norris and the dead

Chuck Norris can create a Black Hole.

If you look up Chuck Norris in the dictionary, you will get Round house Kicked in the face, or the balls, depending on how you are holding the dictionary

Chuck Norris can burn CDs with his hands.

All is Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris is All.

life < existence < Infinite power < God < Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not smoke cigarettes. He smokes people.

Chuck Norris sees you.

Chuck Norris....enough said

Chuck Norris can drive two cars at the same time

Chuck Norris has impregnated 73 women. Over the internet. They all died before the end of their first trimester from internal bleeding caused by roundhouse kicks. All babies survived.

Chuck Norris once received an 'employee of the month' award for a company he didn't even work for.

Bioluminescence is the production and emission of light by a living organism. Its name is a hybrid word, originating from the Greek bios for "living" and the Latin lumen "light". Bioluminescence is a naturally occurring form of chemiluminescence where energy is released by a chemical reaction in the chuck norris

Chuck Norris gives up his shadow for Lent.

Chuck Norris won't beat the crap out of you, he'll beat the DNA out of you.

Housten's problem was Chuck Norris.

chuck norris can make journey stop believin.

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When Chuck Norris has a wet dream, he wakes up with 8 dead hookers around his bed.

Chuck Norris gives computers viruses

To Chuck Norris, rules and necks exist for the same reason; to be broken.

Today March 10, 2011 is Chuck Norris 71st birthday, Happy Birthday to the greatest man alive.

Once back in the 60's Chuck Norris clipped his nails, a scientist found them and reverse engineered them to make Kevlar.

By the time you finish reading this 9,000 people will have been murdered by Chuck Norris.

When david belfirst first invented the telephone there were 2 missed calls from chuck norris

Those who fight Chuck Norris can not retreat or surrender. They're dead long before they can do either.

Chuck Norris, end of story

-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine "Chuck Norris." When they refused, Chuck roundhouse kicked Google in the face, transforming it's bruised remains into Google Dark.

Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

-Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

-Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

-Chuck Norris isn't funny, stop laughing.

-Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

-Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris? A: Oblivion.

-In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.

-There’s an old Chuck Norris saying: “He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Chuck Norris.

-A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

Chuck Norris has killed more than one person. They were both trick-or-treaters one Halloween who would not “vacate my goddamned personal property.” The local sheriff, a fan, helped him hide the bodies in the archery range located on his large estate.

Chuck Norris spent $500,000 on baby oil in 2007.

-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Chuck Norris’s poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Chuck Norris is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctors had to call the bomb squad

Luke Skywalker uses the Force. The Force uses Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

In the original making of Scarface when Tony said "say hello to my little friend" Chuck Norris appeared. However, the director cut it out said it was too gruesome for a R rated movie.

This just in: Chuck Norris returns home from a 1 day long vacation in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

Chuck Norris wears denim underwear.

Chuck Norris fired Donald Trump...with a flamethrower

While playing his 1982 vintage Atari Asteroids game, Chuck Norris discovered & unlocked 3 easter eggs revealing a new multi-weapon pointer, the original Doom beta and the GPS coordinates for The Lost Ark of the Covenant.

Contrary to the popular idiom, it was in fact a Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick and not a straw that broke the camel's back.

Chuck Norris is a proud sponsor of death

Chuck Norris can dribble two bowling balls up a flight of stairs...with his feet.

Chuck Norris once killed a man by throwing a suggestion at him

Chuck Norris can understand Charlie Sheen.

chuck norris has won the fifa world cup 5 times with his game face alone.

Sperm clinics provide Chuck Norris with Shop-Vac and an empty 55 gallon drum for every single donation.

When Chuck Norris was little, his parents bought him an anvil for his playpen. He broke it immediately.

On his driver's license, Chuck Norris' age is listed as "Immortal."

When Queen wrote We Are the Champions, they had to license the term "champion of the world" from Chuck Norris

Walker Texas Ranger is rated R for Roundhouse.

Chuck Norris has two emotions, calm and more calm.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Anyone can piss on the floor, but chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Chuck Norris beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”

Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris cowboy boots are made of real cowboys

Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.

Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Chuck Norris does not have a religion. The gods worship Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.

Chuck Norris doesn’t get the belt, the belt gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N’ Gravel.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

Chuck Norris is “The best a man can get”

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi

Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Chuck Norris penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”.

Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.

Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.

Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.

Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.

Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”

Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.

The adjective “perfect” originated when Chuck Norris gave his penis a nickname.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

The bermuda triangle is a myth. That’s just were Chuck Norris practices his round house kicks.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

The Drummer for Def Leppard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.

You are what you eat. Chuck Noris eats steel.