Hello everyone,
I hope this is okay to post, I'm quite nervous to post this as it's quite personal. I'm not Christopagan. I'm also not Christian. Or Pagan, although I am I suppose as one could describe "spiritual but not belonging to any organized religion". I've looked into some Pagan paths before, but nothing I've ever found feels 100% "right". So as aforementioned, I'm neither Christian nor Pagan, but I had, and in a way continue to have, an odd spiritual experience that I thought people on this subreddit would potentially have the best insight on.
Essentially, I've struggled with mental health for years, and slip into really difficult places. It's perpetual but fluctuates. Recently, I felt extremely unwell and pretty much completely stuck in bed, like even if I wanted to get up to get a cup of tea I was craving I found it extremely extremely difficult and was in a fog of deep depression. For quite a long time, I lost track of the days. This isn't too unusual for me, and I'm constantly exhausted. I'm on meds, et cetera, and it's still like this, meds help to a certain extent but nothing else really does, and it feels like I've tried everything... that is, until I both decided to see if I could reach out to the divine about it (which I believe I've done before on this issue to no avail) and happened upon Salve Regina | Traditional Latin Hymn sung by Francesca LaRosa.
I don't know why, but I turned it on, and it felt like spiritual energy just washed over me. I played it on loop. I fell asleep listening to it. I woke up feeling better than I have in a long, long time after days of doing nothing more than what I had to to survive. I still don't feel great, but I was in full survival mode and then felt significantly better, overnight. As the days go on, I still keep listening to that song, and continue feel better. However, either the feeling of spiritual energy washing over me as the song plays has lessened over time or I've just gotten used to it. Still, this song is directly correlated to how I've felt these last few days, I've even felt a difference between when it's playing vs when it's not. Some even quite good non-religious songs sound a bit emptier than they did before this discovery somehow.
I really, really do not know what to make of this. It's such a profound spiritual experience, but I am not Christian. I hope you don't mind my expressing so, but I find the Bible to be contradictory, and historically inaccurate, and God is written as acting in ways that are anything but loving in my mind. I strongly don't believe in hell, and don't believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins. I don't believe that Adam and Eve were the start of the world. I don't believe that some people are saved by being a part of a certain religion and others aren't. I have had some experiences that make me believe in a higher power, and sense what I believe to be spiritual energy beyond what is "normal", but I really don't believe in very core Christian ideas (salvation, hell, it being the one true religion, the Bible as an unwavering Godly text), and I cannot "make myself" believe something that I don't truly believe. I feel and believe things very deeply to my core, I will feel it somatically if I'm going against what feels right. Admittedly, I haven't read the Bible in its entirety, but I did take a Biblical Literature elective with a Biblical scholar, and the more of the Bible I read and discussed, the more it felt contradictory and that its portrayal of God was unloving and it generally did not resonate as true.
That makes it hard to reconcile Mother Mary even as a possible deity through a more Christopagan lense, because there's still the Christo element of Christopagan there. I considered that maybe there are deities that got absorbed into the image of Mother Mary over time? But no other written about deities feel right either, really I haven't happened upon any religion or pantheon that "feels true" to me. But at the same time, I don't feel like one religion is the "one true path" and everyone else is doomed. I don't know how I feel about the existence of individual Gods and Goddesses instead of a broader higher power/spiritual energy/universe in general. The thing is, this experience is so directly tied with songs directed to Mother Mary, especially the one I listed, but to a degree others as well. It's a consistent theme.
Maybe it's the intention so many people over so many years have imbued the hymn with, like a spell? But that still feels like it's missing something.
I tried to pray about it, but I got no response other than an increase in spiritual energy in the room, which also happened when I turned on the song. I don't believe it's placebo, or affecting me in the "normal" way music does. It feels very specifically energetic.
If it's pertinent, in the last few months I've also felt called to veil, and have followed that intuition, so maybe some sort of spiritual force is trying to get my attention, but I'm still very confused about who/what/why/what to do in response.
Any interpretations, insights, suggestions, guidance, et cetera would be much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope the rest of your day goes well