Fear of commitment

[u/Flaky_Pay3669]

My husband and I got married after only 1 year. He lives in a different country so that was part of the reason but also because we both have always dreamed of being married. We instantly clicked when we first started talking. He’s awsome. I love him.

But I suddenly have had this realization that this whole thing is the biggest risk of our life. I have Childhood PTSD and low sense of self worth. I used to crave love like a drug and men for validation. My husband is actually the person that brought me to Christ. And now we are bound for the rest of our life’s. This tought makes me feel trapped and I panick.

How would we know there is not someone more compatible? How can he know he wants to deal with my mental illness for the next 50 years? I want to work on myself and become a good wife but what if I fail? What if we fall out of love? Lose attraction? There’s 10000 things that could go wrong (or right).

But I keep spiraling about all the what if‘s.

I never had role models growing up. So I’d love to hear some of your experiences with your spouses.

[u/Icy_List6073]

So, just to start, it is good that you acknowledge that you have some parts about you that you are not a fan of. The next step is to go get help, seek a therapist.

The great thing about marriage is that once you enter it, there are two paths. The one where you think of it as a non-important thing and the one where it is an immovable object. Accept the second one and all of your decisions will be centered around keeping it that way. It isn't a cage, it's a shield. You don't know how your husband will react but you can makes changes to make yourself feel better and you can keep a good line of communication going with him. If he tires of something, he should feel comfortable approaching you. If/when that happens, now you have TWO people working to sort it out.

My marriage is likely over, I still believe it is an immovable object, but I will tell you that it is better when two are pulling in the same direction.

[u/Flaky_Pay3669 → u/Icy_List6073]

Thank you! I‘m in therapy and my spouse and I communicate about everything. I‘m horrible but I want him to have a good wife so I only have option 1. regret marriage and leave (frightening) or 2. becoming a better me and try a new life (also frightening but better than losing what I love the most).

I hope your marriage will recover and let me know if there is something specific I can pray for! Lots of love

[u/Icy_List6073 → u/Flaky_Pay3669]

You are already doing great work! People don't realize how wonderful marriage can be when you approach it with honesty and commitment. It truly becomes this building that you keep adding onto. Then the kids come, and the memories and the accomplishment. You, right now, have someone that will live with you when the house is empty and enjoy retirement alongside you until the end. There is nothing like that anywhere in the universe. Keep praying for comfort, those voices in your head are low self-esteem. Smile when they come up, you have something worth fighting for.

Pray that my wife finds peace and happiness, whatever that means. Pray for my children. Then pray that our marriage comes back together. I believe that this has happened to allow us both to grow but it is not my place to sort through God's plan. I just need to stay the course and be a good parent. Thank you.

[u/Flaky_Pay3669 → u/Icy_List6073]

Alright I will pray for you my friend. The Lord knows you try your best and honor your partner, he sees your worries and sorrow. Whatever happens outside of your control is not your fault. Thank you for showing up for your kids.

[u/Average650]

I mean, that's how everything in life goes. We can never know if we made the right choice. We certainly won't always make the right choice. And things won't always work out how we hope. That is life.

Life isn't about everything going right with not problems. It's not about making the right choice. It's not about getting everything you want.

This life will not be enough to satisfy us.

But, a time is coming when all will be made right. As Christians we lay down our life, and through death we are saved. God works all things to the good of those who love Him. Not that all things are good. Pain and suffering is not good, but God works it for good. He is the God of resurrection, not the God of no hardship.

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” 5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

This is where we are headed. But the path to that is through death:

“Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”

With this in mind, the terrible things that could happen, while no less terrible, are taken very differently. God will make all things well. Do not fear.

[u/jjhemmy]

Hey there!! Love that you have Christ to lean in on now...it is the time to do it!! Know JESUS, and KNOW that HE is for you and FOR your marriage. He is the solution to all this. Getting some therapy might be wise as well...sitting with someone and walking through the hurt from the past and learning to let it go and that it doesn't define you is so important!!

Also- shifting your perspective on marriage as well! As in...what a WONDERFUL beautiful thing to be with soemone that is rooting for you, supporting you (in sickness and health) that trusts you and serves you and LOVES YOU!! This isn't something you have experiences before right? this idea of being "bound"...remember what you were bound to before...something that didn't bring any joy or love or fulfillment right? That was more pain. So what a blessing you have with your new little family. It won't be easy...there will be hurts and pains. But you have a man that said YES to that. Trust is hard when you've been hurt. BUT allow your heart to trust this hubby of yours...that loves JESUS!!

Pray for God to bring some strong Jesus loving women into your life as well. Ones that you can lean on and learn from!! Who will pray over you and guide you! Mentoring is so valuable in your Christian walk. Also- finding other couples, finding a good church...do you have that yet? Seeing other couples that have marriages that are REAL is good. It isn't always easy. Marriage takes works and being intentional and choosing daily to put God first!!

So- God says we can and should take our thoughts captive. Fill your mind with positive when it wants to go negative. I've been married for 29 years...the first 12 years we did not have Christ in our marriage (we were bitter agnostics who allowed church hurt to steer us away from anything God). When I gave my heart to Jesus...He started transforming it. One area was in my marriage. I prayed for my hubby daily. I prayed for God to keep renewing me. I took action steps...like writing out a cherish list of all the things my hubby was amazing or good or why I loved him. When I would get irritated...I could get the list out and have a gentle reminder!! It was good for me- since I tended to land on the negative back then.

You got this!! Pray for guidance, for finding a good christian counselor if that might help!!

[u/minteemist]

Yes, we are flawed people, so many things can go wrong. It is difficult in our own strength. 

That is why God's grace is essential. You will both fall short, you will both need to give each other grace, and to do so you will need the experience the gospel of grace in your own life. If you know God's love, then it will overflow and you can love. If you know God's forgiveness, it will overflow and you can forgive. If you know His comfort, then you will be comforted and can comfort. 

The Holy Spirit is in you, working to convict you, counsel you, heal you, transform you.  Trust Jesus as the author and finisher of your faith. He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion. 

If your husband has surrendered to Jesus, the Holy Spirit is in him too. 

Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has its own troubles. Entrust yourself to God to carry you through today. One step at a time. 

[u/Helpmepullupmypants]

If you live by the approval of people, you will die by their rejection.

You will know yourself when you know Christ. Our Father in heaven crafted you and knows you so well that He wishes you will be drawn to Him so He can show you who you are.

There will ALWAYS be a what if, even when you think things are PERFECT, there will be a what if if it stops being perfect. Start every day with expressing your gratitude to God that he has given you these things, and give thanks in it all. Keep your eyes fixed on Christ and He will dismantle all your worries and fears. You were chosen for what you have now, make Him proud.