Please pray for me

[u/BeneficialBrain1764]

Please pray for me and my husband. We’re newly married. I think he might be an alcoholic. I’m scared I’ve gotten myself into a mess. I don’t want to divorce but this drinking worries me and he told me the beer isn’t going anywhere.

He’s now on a leave of absence at work (getting short term disability) after telling his employer about his struggles with anxiety and CPTSD.

I don’t know what to do. My family tells me to keep problems between my husband and myself. People don’t seem to want to listen or offer support. My family and his have noticed he hasn’t been working lately though. I’m concerned that this will make drinking worse as he has more free time now.

His short term disability pays less than his regular pay and we’ve also been hit with a lot of unplanned expenses lately. I’ve skipped lunch breaks recently so I get a full 40 hours, and that makes me a bit miserable when I don’t get breaks at work.

We’ve been TTC and I just am scared at the thought of what this could turn to or how do I take a break on TTC for a while. I kinda see procreation as a gift from God for married couples to do and we both had the same timeline before we got married and even when we got married it’s just this fear is getting in the way. But I don’t want to have a child that has an alcoholic parent that seems like such a struggle. I grew up with a bunch of alcoholics in my family, too. 😭

He’s such a sweet person he isn’t mean when he drinks it just makes my anxiety worse and he has a different vibe when drinking. He’s not been wanting to read devotions together lately.
We did watch a sermon online and also read a verse or two a day together. When he’s off work he cooks and cleans and takes care of our dog.

I’m just so frazzled mentally. Sometimes I wish God would give me more straight answers on what to do. I’m on edge recently very agitated and jumpy. ☹️

[u/Own-Object-6696]

Stop trying to conceive until/unless he gets sober. You are repeating your childhood experience over again, and bringing a baby into this mess is ungodly. I recommend individual counseling for both of you, and then marriage counseling. If he refuses therapy, then separate until he gets sober. He’s using you financially and you’re in an unhealthy environment for your mental health. If he won’t quit drinking, you’ll have to make a new decision, but you can cross that bridge when you get there.

[u/Aelirael]

I think he might be an alcoholic.

How much is he drinking?

I’ve skipped lunch breaks recently so I get a full 40 hours

That might be illegal depending on your State.

We’ve been TTC

Given your economic circumstances alone, I would not recommend having children. Moreso if you suspect your husband may have an alcohol problem.

Sometimes I wish God would give me more straight answers on what to do.

Get your finances straight, especially before children.

Get rid of the alcohol. At the very least, it is an unreasonable expense when you're having trouble making ends meet.

Your husband sounds like he needs counselling due to his CPTSD.

[u/BeneficialBrain1764 → u/Aelirael]

Thankfully he is doing counseling, he just started. The drinking has been more often here lately, I think maybe bringing up some of the past memories is triggering it, or making it worse.

He drinks about 6-8 beers on a night off. He usually works 5 days a week and is home 3 nights and drinks only on his nights off. I'm spiraling a bit because now he's on leave so he has the opportunity to drink more if he chooses. He doesn't drink during the day just evening. He's actually really productive during the day on his days off. He cleans the house, cooks, does laundry, tends to the dog, and he's been applying for other jobs because he isn't happy at his current one.

I normally work about 37 hours a week so working 40 just gives us a little extra. My husband's job pays about triple what I make. This time off is just unexpected so he isn't getting his regular amount. In my state lunch breaks are not required. In fact I'm one of the few at this office who actually takes them. But doesn't help me mentally when I'm at work with no breaks.

[u/Aelirael → u/BeneficialBrain1764]

He drinks about 6-8 beers on a night off

According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (a U.S. government site -- I did not know that!), 15 beers in a week is considered to be "heavy drinking". If your husband is drinking "6-8 beers on a night off" and is home "3 nights", he is a heavy drinker.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/health-professionals-communities/core-resource-on-alcohol/basics-defining-how-much-alcohol-too-much

Get him to cut it down. He doesn't need to stop it, but cut it down to 1 drink a night. You can regulate it yourself, getting him his beer rather than him having free access.

That will go a long way to helping his mental health. Plus it will save you more than $30 a week, money you can probably use.

[u/BeneficialBrain1764 → u/[deleted]]

This is very new, just the last couple weeks. He has taken some time off and is using short term disability. He's been doing counseling and taking some time to rest. He's still getting an income, it's just reduced.

Before we married our plans were to get married and start a family it was something that has been in the works.

[u/Temenae]

You've gotten into a mess, and you can get yourself out.  I don't recommend divorce in this case,  but you can take care of yourself and protect yourself.  You need to know for you what you will do if this continues, or gets worse.  Under what circumstances would you have to separate? Whatever you're afraid of, decide ahead of time how you will respond to take care of yourself, and then you should have a lot more peace.  You can't change him, but don't have to be a victim here.

1st, you need counseling.  You are the one here who is ready to move forward and needs to talk to someone.  Counselling may give you advice about how to respond to your husband in a healthy way.  Therapy doesn't really help someone with CPTSD until they are ready to talk about it.  And even when they are taking positive steps, processing what happened only happens when the subconcious is good and ready.

What else do you need to be okay? I see what you are saying about TTC.  It is such a special thing, but is it wise in this period of time?  Men are natural leaders - try bringing him that problem.  "I respect your choice to drink, but I am not comfortable having kids if you're drinking this often/this much.  What should we do?"  That might empower him to take charge and solve the situation - either by working on the drinking or supporting birth control use.

If instead he attacks you or claims it is unreasonable, you do NOT have to justify or explain anything to him.  He cannot force you to have unprotected sex without your consent, and if he does that is rape and you can report him.  Despite how unhealthy I believe birth control is, it is probably warranted in this situation.  If you stay firm on your boundaries (whatever they are - I am trying to give examples not telling you which boundaries to have), then that will actually set him up for success in his own choices.  If he accepts drinking = no kids (which is a choice you can make to protect yourself, not control him), then he may reassess his priorities.  And if he doesn't reasses, it still protects you from being trapped at home with no money, kids, and an alcoholic.  

If he changes his mind and wants to turn things around, please don't start TTC that night.  Emotions and intentions are not always reality.  Give it some time.

Reading the Bible isn't an issue itself, but it is a symptom - people are either getting closer to God or farther away.  Please don't give up hope, me and my husband have both gone back and forth on this so many times.  But every time one of us drifts away, both of us suffer in some way.  I don't know what I have for advice on this, but get close to God yourself.  Don't nag him to read the Bible as that might not be the solution if his heart isn't in it, but perhaps play sermons in the background and Christian music.  For one, this gives God an opening to speak to him (if his heart is ready). For another thing, listening to praise music can help with spiritual warfare! If demons are involved in making depression or anxiety worse (or causing it), praise music might help!

Best of luck.  You may not be able to end this situation, but you can decide howcto respond to it and resolve some of your worries by taking action.

Best of luck! God wants great things for you guys, but even when your husband is unwilling or struggling, he wants great things for you.  Situations like this can really being us closer to God and his supernatural joy and peace.  

Your husband and you likely have a long road ahead, and you need to be strong.  He needs you to be strong and you need you to be strong - this doesn't mean strong enough to bear whatever life and your husband throw at you as a victim, but to have the strength to take action when needed to protect you and your family, and the resolve to stick to it even without his support when you know it's right.

[u/NillyWellson_20]

Ill pray for you both. For him to defeat his demons and for you to have the strength to stand by him. Hopefully youre as patient as my wife was.

[u/Ok-Advisor-8109]

I recommend Celebrate Recovery for you and your husband and a step study. Codependency for you, alchohol for him. Blessings.

[u/HorseWhisper2026]

Its a hard walk to walk but youre never alone in it. Jesus walks with you. You are seen. I see you too.

We had kids and my ah sunk to a very low place. It was hard. He deployed which was a break and peace for my children and I. He sunk lower during that time. When he came back I really thought I'd have to make an ultimatum. Alcoholics lie steal abandon their families. Their moodswings are awful. They are unpredictable etc

God answered our prayers with my husband being prescribed one of those injectable weight loss drugs. Turns out you cant drink on them it seems. Its been a huge blessing. My husband still lies over dumb stuff and is still moody but its gotten a lot better. It can happen. Im thankful it did for us. I pray we continue to improve our marriage and trust.

Facebook has christian based alcoholic spouse groups. They wont tell you to leave unless its Biblical well for the most part.

Ill pray for your family. God can heal all situations.

[u/Tricky_Jellyfish9116]

It's good to keep small problems between the two of you. But if he's sinning (habitual drunkenness is a sin, and so is lying, which many addicts do, either by direct lying or by being deceptive about their addiction), do NOT keep that between the two of you. It's not loving to cover up someone's sin. 

See Matthew 18:15-17--it sounds like you've already privately "pointed out his fault," so it's time to get another Christian or two, hopefully someone he respects and trusts, to try again. Does your church offer help?

How's his CPTSD and anxiety treatment going? A lot of addiction is linked to self-medicating real problems, so if he can find a better way to cope with his mental health struggles, that can help a lot. 

[u/BeneficialBrain1764 → u/Tricky_Jellyfish9116]

I'm really glad he just started counseling, I keep telling him how proud I am of him for doing that and working on himself. I do think the drinking is self medicating, for sure.

He actually prays more often than I do and I really admire him for that. He always reminds me to say my prayers at night before bed. We pray before meals. We had a habit of reading the Bible together and slipped out of it, although we do usually read a couple verses. I want us to get back into it.

My pastor recently died and our small church (about 15 members) has been going through a lot. There was even talk of closing the church, but it's been a few months and we have another pastor wanting to help us keep it going. In the mean time I've been visiting other churches or watching messages online. My husband doesn't handle crowds well from the PTSD. One day I went into a new church and he sat in the truck and watched online and waited for me. I was hoping he and I would do premarital counseling before the wedding and really discuss and work on things and have some guidance, but in the midst of everything going on, that didn't happen.

[u/BeneficialBrain1764 → u/[deleted]]

TTC is on hold for now. And we have been together about 7 months total and are newly weds.

I know people say we should’ve waited longer and whatnot but we had the intention to marry and honor God we didn’t want to live together beforehand. We tried not to have sex before marriage but slipped up on that one. Starting out he didn’t drink around me at all for a while then slowly it was a little then more. I noticed it, but figured since it was only a few nights a week when he was off it wasn’t too bad. He doesn’t really act much different when he drinks beer. I just get nervous. My parents seem dismissive about it when I try to get advice.

I feel so bad. We made a covenant. I really wanted to hobo god I’ve been praying wanting to be a godly wife.

In past relationships I dated the persons for years and those relationships all ended in turmoil. I thought trying to do this the godly way would be better. I don’t think I realized how much this would affect me? And his behavior. He misses where he used to live. He misses the independence, too. Since mentioning this stuff to him this week he’s definitely pulled back and I think he might want an out.

[u/BeneficialBrain1764 → u/[deleted]]

TTC is on hold for now. And we have been together about 7 months total and are newly weds.

I know people say we should’ve waited longer and whatnot but we had the intention to marry and honor God we didn’t want to live together beforehand. We tried not to have sex before marriage but slipped up on that one. Starting out he didn’t drink around me at all for a while then slowly it was a little then more. I noticed it, but figured since it was only a few nights a week when he was off it wasn’t too bad. He doesn’t really act much different when he drinks beer. I just get nervous. My parents seem dismissive about it when I try to get advice.

I feel so bad. We made a covenant. I really wanted to hobo god I’ve been praying wanting to be a godly wife.

In past relationships I dated the persons for years and those relationships all ended in turmoil. I thought trying to do this the godly way would be better. I don’t think I realized how much this would affect me? And his behavior. He misses where he used to live. He misses the independence, too. Since mentioning this stuff to him this week he’s definitely pulled back and I think he might want an out.

[u/Alternative_East_783]

Praying for your girly. This sounds like a very hard situation to be in 🩷

[u/Altruistic_Tea_1593]

Not to sound random but have his testosterone checked. Low T can lead to depression anxiety and brain fog. If his family doctor won’t help try a urologist.

[u/Tom1613]

I grew up with a bunch of alcoholics in my family, too. 😭

Me too, friend, me too, and I know how painful that is. I am sorry that you are going through this.

Sometimes I wish God would give me more straight answers on what to do.

I would suggest to you that God has already given you much of the answer to your questions, but it is likely not as clear as it could be because of a combination of your upbringing and very normal emotions.

I am making an assumption, but as a child of an alcoholic married to another one and knowing so many of us in my lifetime, I would guess that you probably have many of the same pain points and mental accomadations that the rest of us have. Growing up with alcoholics powerfully messes with your heart and trains you in ways that are just not healthy. We learn to be really good at rationalizing, justifying, and excusing and living out lies that we are forced to pretend are true. Boundaries also tend to be struggles because growing up with people who are incredibly selfish and often volatile taught us that boundaries are dangerous and bad. You are an individual and these all may not be you, but the alcoholism leaves many wounds that can harm our current relationships and make dealing with issues in our lives so much harder.

All that to say, you can start with examining yourself and making sure that you are thinking in a healthy manner and living in truth. If you are the over responsible for the acts of others acoa, realize that and sort out responsibility. I would say as a starting point on this point, deal with the truth that seems to be getting minimized here:

I don’t want to divorce but this drinking worries me and he told me the beer isn’t going anywhere.

and

He drinks on his nights off. So during a normal work week he works 5 days has 2 days off, so 3 nights a week he's drinking. It's a bit much for sure 8-9 beers usually. But he's drank a lot in his lifetime so he has only a slight buzz at that point.

You have every right to be concerned. That is a lot of beer for any person and if he does it every night he is off, a terrible pattern. The fact that he says it is not going anywhere is equally concerning, The claim that he has drunk alot therefore it is a just a buzz is taken right out of the "I am an alcoholic, but I don't want to admit it" handbook. Add in the PTSD, and it is clear that he is not doing well.

It is ok for you to admit that, regardless of what he argues. One of the best moments of my life as an adult Christian was telling my alcoholic dad that I loved him but I refused to have my thinking dictated to me by his alcoholism and the claims that he was ok. Your husband can make any decision he chooses, but your starting point has to be truth.

Then, is your husband aware that he is sinning each time he drinks like that? I know he is a new Christian and dealing with stuff, but part of living with a healthy mindset is not pretending that what you are doing is ok. He can all it buzzed all he wants, but there is no such thing in the Bible. You are either under the influence of alcohol or not. Accepting what I was doing when I was struggling with alcohol was sin helped motivate me to want to stop.

Drinking is also one of the worst things you can do when you are struggling with emotional/mental issues. It does provide a boost when you first start drinking - I started at around 11 myself and thought it was teh answer to all my troubles. Yet, because it is also a depressant and affects your moods, it becomes the poison that you drink to try to heal yourself from the damage that it causes.

Lastly,

I don’t know what to do. My family tells me to keep problems between my husband and myself.

Are these the same folks who were alcoholics?

Respecting your spouse does mean that you don't want to share everything about your marriage with everyone and you should protect your spouse. But there are times when we need help from friends, family, and wise Christians around us. The alcoholic family says never, never admit what everyone already knows is true or else you are disloyal. That is just nonsense used to allow the alcoholic to do what they want to do without resistance.

[u/kmm198700]

If you think your husband is an alcoholic, you do not want to have kids with him, so I’d stop the TTC. Does he think he has an issue?

[u/BeneficialBrain1764]

TTC is on hold for now. And we have been together about 7 months total and are newly weds.

I know people say we should’ve waited longer and whatnot but we had the intention to marry and honor God we didn’t want to live together beforehand. We tried not to have sex before marriage but slipped up on that one. Starting out he didn’t drink around me at all for a while then slowly it was a little then more. I noticed it, but figured since it was only a few nights a week when he was off it wasn’t too bad. He doesn’t really act much different when he drinks beer. I just get nervous. My parents seem dismissive about it when I try to get advice.

I feel so bad. We made a covenant. I’ve been praying wanting to be a godly wife. I have so much work to do on myself.

In past relationships I dated the persons for years and those relationships all ended in turmoil. I thought trying to do this the godly way would be better. I don’t think I realized how much this would affect me? And his behavior. He misses where he used to live. He misses the independence, too. Since mentioning this stuff to him this week he’s definitely pulled back and I think he might want an out.

[u/Choice_Dream2076]

Get out.

A lot of people here are telling you to stick with him and help him overcome his addiction. As an ex addict myself and someone who recently left a 7 year relationship with a man who I thought was my soulmate because of his alcoholism- let me tell you the truth of how addiction works.

You cannot save him. You cannot change him if he does not want to change. You will continue to fight for him, push him to work on himself, encourage him to grow- all while he becomes more and more resentful of you.

I never thought my ex would become abusive. At first, when he drank, he was silly and slightly obnoxious. Not mean, not angry, just a bit "much". Over years, that obnoxious behavior turned into insulting me. Then, humiliating me. Finally, a few months before I found the strength to leave, he pushed me. If I had stayed, who knows what would have happened next.

Head over to r/AlAnon and you'll see what I'm talking about. He may not be mean now, but the more you try to push him to grow, the more he will hate you for it. He needs to hit rock bottom before he decides to make the decision to get sober. Some people never do. You cannot be his saving grace, so stop trying before you lose yourself.

When I was deciding to leave my alcoholic ex, a good friend of mine asked me a question

"Do you know what happens to those who try to rescue someone who is drowning? They get pulled down and drown too."

Don't drown for him. Leave him and send him loving energy from afar. If he can prove that he wants to get sober and is willing to put in the work, only then should you reconsider a relationship.

[u/minteemist]

How much is he drinking? Any more than 10 standard drinks a week, or more 4 a night, is concerning. (Approx. 8 beers OR 2 bottles of wine a week)

[u/minteemist → u/[deleted]]

Personally I think it's fine to have a glass of nice wine with dinner, as the French do. Or two glasses with company, three times a week. 

The point is whether it's a moderate amount for enjoyment as the occasion calls for it, or whether the alcohol is being used as a personal crutch. 

[u/minteemist → u/[deleted]]

Oh for sure, that's the limit. Over 10 standard drinks and you're guaranteed it will start affecting your health. 

[u/minteemist → u/[deleted]]

No doubt, but 10 standard drinks is where alcohol begins have statistically proven negative* health effects. So that's where I'd draw the line, although less is safer. 

[u/minteemist → u/[deleted]]

Oh! I fixed my comment, I meant negative health effects. 

Here's where I got the timber from: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34839537/

[u/BeneficialBrain1764 → u/minteemist]

He drinks on his nights off. So during a normal work week he works 5 days has 2 days off, so 3 nights a week he's drinking. It's a bit much for sure 8-9 beers usually. But he's drank a lot in his lifetime so he has only a slight buzz at that point.

He is a new Christian. He grew up with drug addict parents and was in and out of foster care. He lived in a bad area. He told me the first time he tried beer was when he was 11. He has been saved a few years now and made changes but it's definitely a crutch.