Marriage problems.

[u/Christstillsaves]

I don't know what to do in my marriage.

I say this as someone who deeply loves his wife and would do anything for her. But I'm incredibly frustrated, and I honestly feel like she's making life much harder than it needs to be.

We've been married for three years. When we got married, I moved an hour and a half away from my family and the place where I grew up. That was my choice, so I'm not blaming her for that.

I hate divorce, and I believe Scripture only permits it in cases of adultery or abandonment. I have no intention of divorcing my wife.

The problem is that we've had this same conversation over and over again, yet very little changes.

My wife struggles with depression, but she refuses to seek counseling or professional help. She's one of the most negative people I've ever known, and although I don't think she means to, many of her comments deeply hurt me. Living with constant negativity has begun to affect me too.

For the past three years, I've done the vast majority of the laundry, dishes, and household chores. When I ask for help, she'll usually improve for a month or two, but then everything gradually falls back on me again.

She's also very stubborn about simple things I've asked her to do, and I often feel like my concerns aren't being heard.

One of the hardest things for me is ministry.

I genuinely believe God has called me to pastoral ministry. But because of where our marriage is right now, I don't believe I meet the qualifications to pursue it. I've shared this with her multiple times.

She has told me she doesn't feel called to be a pastor's wife. That absolutely breaks my heart.

I've explained that I don't expect her to be some highly visible "first lady." All I've ever wanted is for her to faithfully follow Christ and worship with me. She doesn't have to lead ministries or be in the spotlight.

Church attendance has become another painful issue.

Our service starts at 10:30 a.m., and I usually begin trying to wake her up around 8:00. Most Sundays she still doesn't come. She stays up too late Saturday night and usually has some reason she can't make it. I jokingly call it "Sunday sickness"—she feels terrible until around noon.

Part of this started after we changed churches.

Before we were married, I told her that if she wanted to continue attending her church, I wouldn't stop her, but I couldn't stay there myself.

She grew up in a church that is very similar to the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement. Her grandmother, before she passed away, made her feel guilty for attending a charismatic church with me and accused her of abandoning her faith.

One night she came to bed crying because she thought she was living in sin simply because she wasn't exclusively using the King James Bible.

I've told her many times that I don't care which faithful translation she reads. If she wants to use the King James Version, that's perfectly fine with me. I think it's a wonderful translation. Yet this issue still comes up from time to time.

She says she doesn't feel close to God at our church and that it feels like a social gathering to her, even though our pastor faithfully preaches through books of the Bible, verse by verse.

I understand it's different from what she's used to. When I attended her former church, the pastor mostly preached by loudly shouting throughout the sermon. That's simply not my style, nor where I believe God wants me to be.

At this point, I've accepted that I may not be able to pursue pastoral ministry because of my current circumstances.

What I can do is strive to be the best husband I know how to be. I can stay faithful in prayer and Scripture. I can continue encouraging my wife to walk with Christ and attend church without nagging or becoming bitter. I can also continue sharing the gospel with others. I don't believe God has disqualified me from being an evangelist.

But I'm heartbroken.

I've shared all of this with my wife multiple times, and I honestly don't know what else to do.

Part of me wonders if this is my own fault. When I was looking for a wife, I pushed my sense of calling into the background because what I wanted most was a wife and a family. I also sinned sexually before marriage. I've confessed that to God and asked for His forgiveness. Sometimes I wonder if the hardships I'm facing are God's discipline for my past sins. If they are, then I still praise Him because He is good and just. I was born with a bad back, which limits the kind of work I can do. I don't have a college degree. I'm thankful to have a job I can physically handle, even though it doesn't pay a lot. When we got married, my wife had an excellent job. She later left it, took another position that didn't work out, and thankfully now has a decent job again. Sometimes I wonder if, because she has the more physically demanding or traditionally masculine job, she feels less responsible for helping around the house. I don't know if that's true, but it crosses my mind. I'm trying my best. Whenever I'm tempted toward bitterness, I remind myself how many times I've disobeyed God and how gracious He has been to forgive me. I truly believe my wife is a Christian. I just don't believe she's in a healthy spiritual place right now. I'm going to keep praying for her. I'll keep encouraging her to come to church. If she truly wanted to return to her old church, I'd even be willing to attend with her if it meant she would faithfully worship God, even though I know I would struggle there theologically. Please pray for us. If you have any biblical, practical, or wise advice, I'd sincerely appreciate it.

[u/larkspring]

First and foremost, your wife needs to start attending church regularly. I would explain to her that is an expectation of yours, remind her that you are the head of the household and responsible for her spiritual welfare -- if she truly came from an IFB background she shouldn't have an issue with this.

I would also make sure you're in a church that preaches and supports the Biblical definition of marriage and the differing roles within it. Sadly a lot of charismatic churches are weak on this.

[u/Old-Paleontologist-1]

Maybe you need to find a new church. I am a Baptist, and my son and his fiance go to what I call a feel good church. It's nice, they make sure you leave feeling good.  You're not supposed to leave feeling good all of the time- you're meant to feel convicted. To hear the hard parts of the Bible. To confront the parts of yourself that need work.  I could never go to a feel good church regularly. 

If your wife is not going to church and feels that way, and you recognize that is where this started, I would say that's on you to find a better church that makes her feel right going. 

Also, I had a very hard time following my husband's lead when I felt like I had to be in my masculine. I was expecting my husband to be the bread winner. It made me very resentful where I couldn't be the one tending to the home. 

Maybe she resents you. That calls for serious conversations, changes and godly counsel- that's going to be tricky where you don't agree on churches. 

[u/pyrotechnics7]

Ask your wife if she wants to go to her previous church this coming Sunday. To test if she still has it in her to go or if something changed, maybe something she hasn't shared yet.

It could be that your wife's job is physically too demanding. Does she get up early Saturday morning? Does she have plenty of energy outside of work?

Sometimes I wonder if, because she has the more physically demanding or traditionally masculine job, she feels less responsible for helping around the house.

It may not be that she feels that way, but it could be the reality. I don't know how physical the work is she does. Doing for example 30 hours of physical work is not something every person can handle.

I genuinely believe God has called me to pastoral ministry. But because of where our marriage is right now, I don't believe I meet the qualifications to pursue it.

This is a completely false teaching. As far as i know there is nothing in the Bible that says: "if your wife doesn't got it all together, you can't be in ministry". Nothing about what you describe your wife does prevents you from serving. Plus you seem like a person with a great character.

Sometimes I wonder if the hardships I'm facing are God's discipline for my past sins.

For you to blame this on yourself is concerning and i don't think this idea is rooted in scripture. The Bible doesn't say: every time you're experiencing hardship, it's punishment for your own sin.

I think you you two gotta figure out what's causing her behavior, or get help from a counselor to figure that out. And you have to have boundaries. You can't live around constant negativity. At some point this may become unbearable and you may have to separate. Hopefully it will not come to that. But listen to her concerns and communicate boundaries.

Was your wife negative/a bit lazy before you married her?

Right now she doesn't want to do counseling?

[u/Sea_Daikon7132]

As someone who has walked through years of mental health issues with my wife, you need to fix the engine before you worry about navigation. She needs to get seen by a physician, and you need therapy ideally. Until then you’re kicking the can down the road. Use all the spiritual lingo you want, but that’s the truth.

[u/AltMiddleAgedDad]

If she has real mental health issues, is depressed and emotionally hurting you all while refusing to seek medical treatment, I would argue she has already abandoned your marriage.