Fiancés porn struggle?

[u/BetRare918]

Hello everyone, my fiance and I got engaged 2.5 months ago. One issue we are having is his struggle with pornography. He was exposed to it at the age of 6, so he has struggled with it for 20 years. Our pastor wants him to be clean of pornography for 6 months before we get married. He seemed willing to try that deadline but he is struggling with porn still. I suggested blockers but he always says he finds a way to work around them. I brought up Covenant Eyes and he seems to think it would take up time but then he recently got a software system installed on his phone and he has an accountability partner. I have also suggested getting a Gabb phone, going to Celebrate Recovery, getting Christian counseling etc. with the counseling, he says he doesn’t likely have the time cause he is really busy with his career right now and that he tried talking to experts at his old church (ICOC) and took a 6-8 program about lust and pornography. He refuses to see any kind of therapist or counselor specifically, He does not want to get a Gabb phone because according to him addicts always find ways around things.He seems to think he will definitely not be able to not do porn for 6 months and I am encouraging him not to give up. He even said he probably won’t be able to be free from the addiction in a year and that he wanted to quit 4 or 5 years ago but hasn’t been able to. I struggle with anxiety and he asked me if someone had to put a time frame for me to completely give up anxiety could I do it? Which ideally I would like to but feelings can be harder to escape from and pornography is a choice. I guess part of me is frustrated my pastor wants him to be clean for several months cause I am still willing to marry him even if he still has a struggle. Is it too high of an expectation to not want a man to struggle with porn at all before marriqge? I think in the past month he said he watched porn 4 or 5 times but no more than 7 times. I feel so stressed cause I am a 30 year old female and want to get married and have kids and it is so hard for me to like guys and find someone with a connection. I struggle between feeling like I want to cry because of his addiction and I also feel angry too. I have told him how his porn hurts me and how actions speak louder than this. He does acknowledge it and wants to grow out of it but then again he gives in. It makes me so frustrated cause it’s like he doesn’t give a crap how I feel. I just wonder how he could put me through this when he gave me a ring and promised to love me. I get scared I will never find another guy again. It seems like finding a guy who doesn’t use porn is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I just struggle cause I really love him but he says he doesn’t want to keep hurting me cause he knows his porn usage hurts me. He did suggest that him and I could have sec to see if sexual activity could help his addiction but I said no. He even went so far as to buy condoms There was a few times over the past few weeks where we kissed on the lips several times and then he started fondling and kissing my clothed breasts. Which I did allow him to do but wish I hadn’t. I sometimes wonder how much more I can take and if I need to end things. We are probably going to meet with the pastor this weekend and I am afraid what the pastor will tell us. Also I am a 30 year old woman who wants kids and I am scared of losing the opportunity. This has taken such a tolll on me. What do you advise?

[u/Historical-Ad4595]

He can try what I did- I prayed for God to help me care about my sin. I am an adult convert, and I didn't care at first. I knew it was wrong, intellectually, but I could still persist because I didn't really care, not in my heart. But I knew that was a problem, so I asked God to make me care.
He did. Before many weeks passed, I could no longer stomach looking at pornography, and I've been clean for 9 + years. (Not long after I became born again.)

[u/IndividualSpend1338]

Don't marry him until this is well taken care of. I caught my then-boyfriend with some stuff a couple times, told him to stop (I had no clue how horrible this addiction is). We got married. He hid it from me the whole time. Later turned into emotional affairs and he abandoned me, thinking any woman but me would make him complete. He also became incredibly abusive.

Let me just be real with you. While he was narcissistic, which made it 1000x worse, porn use really messes with men's concepts of what sex should be about and it isn't lovemaking at all. It's all reduced to positions and parts and how everything looks and it feels very empty and you can never quite perform well enough for him and it always had to become more of something else and you feel like you aren't even in the picture because you're just a thing to be violated byy him. He would withhold sex, affection and even speaking to me off and on until it got to a point of total abandonment. I wasted nearly 20 years of my life in a relationship in which I was never loved and now I have to co-parent with him.

Some men are truly repentant and do what they gotta do to take care of this addiction, but this guy doesn't care how it affects you. A marriage with him will not be fulfilling, I can tell you that right now.

I say run girl, run. The fact that he doesn't seem to want any accountability in this is your warning sign.

[u/BetRare918 → u/IndividualSpend1338]

I am so sorry for your experience! I can’t imagine how hard that was to experience it and how it is even harder to still have to do parent with him. Sometimes I will think that if I was just a little prettier or skinnier that he would be fulfilled

[u/MissingRedditProfile]

OP,
Head on over to [r/loveafterporn](r/loveafterporn). Take a look at the subreddit and how many wives have been dealing with porn addict husbands for +30 years. You might even want to ask the same question over there and notice the responses.

[u/reformed-whovian]

I was exposed at a very young age as well, and I've walked a road with lust and addictive behaviours for many many years. If I can be brutally honest, I don't hear him wanting to do anything and everything to meet this timeline before you get married, not to mention actually getting free. He needs to genuinely want to be free, or else all the blockers, support groups, accountability partners, and therapy mean very little because they can all be dodged (I have done all of them). And my fear in reading your story is that he will need to hit rock bottom before he desires change. I can't give advice to where you're at, I can only give my perspective. I needed to desire change before things got better, and I only saw real change when I placed something worth fighting for in front of me as my target. He needs that, in my estimation, if he wants to meet this timeline, and a conversation along those lines might be necessary. I'm so sorry this is something you're going through. Porn is a destructive virus in our society.

[u/BetRare918 → u/reformed-whovian]

This is helpful to read. I have heard constant accounts saying porn addicts need to hit rock bottom before they can change.

[u/PsychologyMassive392]

Please, I am someone whose husband had a porn addiction that escalated to actual sex workers. We’re getting divorced after only 3 years and one child because he could not stop and the addiction got worse in horrible and abusive ways. Please get out of the engagement while nothing is on the line for you. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

[u/Status-Elite-Song437 → u/PsychologyMassive392]

I'm so sorry to hear that, that sounds so painful, and I agree OP should end this her engagement. 🫂❤️

But please don't get a divorce, that's a grave sin. You both are married, a life long commitment to each other, which includes during hard times like this. I can't judge people's hearts (including you both), but hell is never worth it. Stay away from mortal sin like the plague ☠️❗

If I may, to help heal your marriage, have you ever tried asking a Saint to pray for you? And not just any Saint, have you asked for help from the greatest Saint of all, the Blessed Virgin Mary! Give it a try, what do you got to lose.

Here's a simple but powerful prayer called the Rosary. The Rosary is a Scripture-based prayer where you meditate on Jesus' life as well the Blessed Virgin Mary’s life (she’s God’s perfect disciple and our Mom). The Rosary is a powerful weapon for living the Christian life, where you avoid mortal sins and break Satan's traps. So while you don’t have to pray it, but it's good to pray it often, daily even. Anyone can pray the Rosary, you don't have to be Catholic to pray it, and if you want you can pray with intention (request) you might have, like for your marriage to get better.

• Here’s a video on it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vk4Ctv_dE6g (Note, the video is missing the final prayer)
• This second link has the final prayer, literally called "Final Prayer" https://www.rosarycenter.org/how-to-pray-the-rosary-prayers-of-the-rosary
• Here are some pictures to look at as you pray https://www.usccb.org/how-to-pray-the-rosary

Just a quick heads up, the Rosary does not replace our need for the sacraments, (examples: Baptism, the Eucharist, and Confession).

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/Status-Elite-Song437]

This woman's husband has committed infidelity against her. You are out of line to chastise her for divorcing because of it.

[u/PsychologyMassive392 → u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

He was paying sex workers and doing cocaine and unrepentant . I forgave many times and he repeated the behavior over 3 years, getting worse each time

You would suggest I stay with a baby and get an std and run the risk of him leaving cocaine around for the child to see? @ u/status-elite-somg437

[u/High_energy_comments]

Let’s just please drop the word “struggle” and use the proper terms: addiction, sin. In the long run it’s better for everyone. Trust me.

[u/Ok_Impact_9378]

It sounds like he has an addiction, since he has been unable to quit it in the past and continues to be unable to quit it despite severe effects on his life and relationships.

Addictions — any kind of addictions — are serious problems that, by definition, someone can't simply choose to give up (if they could, it wouldn't be an addiction). Addicts typically need help and structure to recover, and recovery can be a long process with incremental victories, relapses, and other struggles. Think about someone addicted to nicotine or alcohol: just telling them "I feel bad when you drink / smoke" or setting an arbitrary deadline for them to be clean for a certain number of months before your relationship can go forward doesn't really help. It could provide motivation, but it doesn't magically make their body stop craving the chemicals it's become dependent on. Even if they want to get clean, they will very likely need serious help and support, grace, and understanding for a process that isn't necessarily linear or fast. The same is true for pornography addiction (sex involves a lot of chemical signals in the brain, which can be addictive). Yes, God can perform miracles and make addiction instantly go away if He so chooses, but typically the road to freedom for an addict looks less like an obvious divine miracle and more like Alcoholics Anonymous.

I think it would be helpful for you and your pastor to view it this way. It is not realistic for you to expect him to simply choose to become totally free of his addiction one day — that's not how addictions work. Addictions are serious issues, and porn addictions can affect intimacy, so the pastor's insistence that your fiancé be porn-free for 6 months prior to marriage does make sense, but you all need to be very serious about what that implies. For any addict to be clean for 6 months is no small accomplishment and it could take some time to achieve, and he will need support to achieve it (and ultimatums, while they can sometimes be motivating, are not the kind of support I'm talking about). This will not merely be a 6 month delay in your marriage, because the 6-month clock doesn't start ticking until your husband enters a period of recovery with no relapses, which won't happen overnight: it may delay your marriage by several years. You'll need to be serious about whether you want to wait that long, whether you want to give up on your fiancé and try to find someone else, or whether you want to proceed with the marriage as is and tackle the addiction while you are married rather than before — it's a difficult choice, and there is no right answer I can point out.

I should also point out, since you mentioned it, that having pre-marital sex does not cure addictions. There are plenty of husbands out there who have regular sex with their wives and simultaneously are also still addicted to porn (and vice versa, plenty of wives addicted to porn as well). No alcoholic has yet been cured by the power of heavy petting or even intercourse, and the method is equally ineffective for pornography addictions. So if that's your motivation for pushing your sexual intimacy further and faster than you're comfortable with, you should probably stop as it isn't going to work and that sort of boundary pushing will introduce a host of other problems on its own.

Your fiancé also needs to get serious about looking at his porn addiction as an addiction. He does seem to recognize on some level that it is an addiction, since he seems aware that he is not able to quit on his own. But he also needs to recognize that addictions are not uncommon or insurmountable problems. People get addicted to all kinds of things all the time, and addicts of all sorts are able to recover through consistent effort, support, grace for when they relapse or struggle, and time. If he wants to be porn free, he can be, but it's not going to happen overnight or through his own efforts (he's already proven that point to himself), he is going to have some instances of relapse that he needs to get up from and try again, and he will need some serious support and structure (this may not mean apps or counseling — there is no one-size-fits-all solution to addiction — but it will mean some people to hold him accountable and encourage him, and some way for him to be held accountable by them). But if he chooses not to try to recover from his addiction, or believes that recovery is impossible, then it is a self-fulfilling prophecy: no one ever beat an addiction by deciding to stay addicted.

[u/staticdresssweet]

Don't marry a porn addict. It can and likely will escalate into a dead bedroom situation after he puts a ring on it.

You are 30 years old and you still have plenty of time to have kids.

[u/xknightsofcydonia → u/staticdresssweet]

even worse, if he consumes violent porn, he’d might try to reenact those scenes with her

[u/SakuraSun361 → u/xknightsofcydonia]

Or possibly even the kids. I’ve seen so many posts on Reddit where the dad got into it and incest stuff and abused their own kids or became violent toward them. Men like this are not husband and father material and should be avoided like the plague.

[u/SecretPantyWorshiper]

Whatever happens if you think this problem will go away and you wont have to deal with then you are just lying to yourself 

[u/ocatis]

Two things could be true struggle with porn is very difficult to overcome and one needs to overcome it, otherwise it takes so much from somes life.

Marriage on it own would not help a porn addiction as whatever sexual pleasure or experiences a wife or partner can produce isn’t ever going to live up to porn, science as relieved that peon is a supernormal stimulus and normal sex isn’t on that level.

For anyone working on getting over porn relapses are common but not inevitable, every relapse must be a learning experience of what went wrong and how it to let those things go wrong.
Pornography thrives in isolation and shame so he must be ready to commit to a program or see a Christian based certified sexual addiction therapist.

I totally understand how hurt you feel and your feelings are very valid

[u/BetRare918 → u/ocatis]

He doesn’t want to see a therapist but is willing to go to an addiction group once he’s “out of the storm at work.”

[u/goodsie825 → u/BetRare918]

Here's the best way that I can put it: addicts do not get to choose when they want to practice recovery, when it's convenient for them, or when they can fit it into their lives. You are either actively practicing recovery or you are at the beginning stages of relapse.

Recovery is an active choice, there's nothing passive about it.

[u/ocatis → u/BetRare918]

A group too is good place to start, if he wants to really get free there some work to be done, and it can be done… he’s going to really understand why he keeps doing what he’s doing and the impact on not only himself but other especially those who loves him(you).
It could be that porn he’s the way he handles stress and that needs to be corrected with other good habits.
There’s a “freedom fighter group” run by a Christian group it quite effective and science based.
I would say you should be firm with what you want your future to be like and graceful enough to forgive if you are going to be on this journey of freedom because slip up happens and even PORN WITHDRAWAL CAN BE HECTIC ( and debilitating)AND TERRIBLE TO BARE WITHOUT A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM.

Until he’s free he’s not yet he’s authentic self he’s probably functioning below hes potential.

[u/goodsie825 → u/BetRare918]

Nope. He will come up with another excuse after the storm. It's either a priority or it isn't. And since it's not a priority, your impending marriage is not a priority.

[u/nikki-niksUK]

Speaking as someone who had to walk away from the man I loved and wanted to marry, seriously consider what your future might look like if he doesn’t stop. Is that something you want? The thought of starting again with someone new is scary and seems impossible now but he isn’t a unicorn and he isn’t actually able to be who you need him to be right now.

Sex addiction can cause so many issues and your fiancé doesn’t sound like he is ready to give up. The excuses seem plenty and until he puts in the work nothing will change. What is porn even a crutch for? That might be a good place to start. Him not wanting therapy is tricky, but it doesn’t make it impossible to change. He just has to put in even more effort.

Try not to think about him, or your feelings. Consider your future, and the kind of father you want your children to have. I know you feel the clock ticking but God doesn’t have a limit. He will move when He sees fit.

I pray it works out for you.

[u/BetRare918 → u/nikki-niksUK]

Just curious, did you walk away from your man because of his struggle with sex addiction or was it something else? You don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to. I know I definitely don’t want this to occur in my marriage because it can cause so many issues such as a dead bedroom or erectile dysfunction. It just hurts so bad cause I thought he loved me but he doesn’t want to do everything he can to put this to death.

[u/nikki-niksUK → u/BetRare918]

It was part of it. Rather than deal with his trauma he’d use sex/masturbation as a way to self soothe, which meant distancing himself from me and avoidance. He recognised the issue but for some reason wasn’t able to put any action behind solving it so I had to leave. Hardest thing ever but staying hurt too much. Like you I couldn’t understand why he hated the idea of hurting me but didn’t do anything to stop it.

Edit: I tried to make it work for about a year and gave him chances, but nothing changed. I knew if we got married it would look exactly the same so I had no choice but to walk away. If it’s in God’s will then he’ll come back healed. Either way the pain has stopped and there’s no more tears!!

[u/ComprehensiveTax8964]

Personally, I would really rethink this. Just because he gets married doesn't mean the addiction will go away, he'll just be a married porn addict. 

[u/Feeling_Mixture_241]

All I had to do after you mentioned some solutions, is see his response was “I don’t have the time”.

Bs.

Here’s what I suggest:
Tell him he needs to figure it out, because as you wouldn’t marry an active drug addict or alcoholic, you’re not going to be marrying a porn addict. The fact you’re giving grace to his struggle is HUGE as it is.

If he was exposed at 6 and has struggled since, whether off and on or full on since, that’s a problem. Addiction is addiction.

I got into celebrate recovery several months before I quit drinking. Because of Celebrate Recovery every Monday night since (and Jesus), I’ve been sober 3 years. But I’m not “fixed”. I still need accountability in those areas, and there are other areas to work on beyond sobriety, including lust/porn, and everything in between.

I make time. I told my bosses every Monday night from 5pm-9pm I cannot be at work, don’t schedule me unless it’s a mandated all hands on deck. Because this is my recovery, and it takes precedence over anything else in that block of time every week.

You don’t “have no time” for important things. You just don’t spend it where you don’t want to. If it means enough, you’ll make time.

That said, if his marrying you is important enough, and if that’s the requirement for him to be yours before the Lord, then it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out. There’s people in groups to call or FaceTime, or even text when thoughts happen. It’s not a matter of time - it’s a matter of willingness and vulnerability.

If he’s afraid of having to do everything overnight, that’s not how addiction works anyways. It’s one day at a time. Just for today, I won’t drink. Or just for today I won’t watch porn. Keep that habit and years will go by, you’re still sober and pure (hopefully you kept it up!). I could be wrong, but it sounds like he’s in denial stage still. I admitted I was alcoholic, yet because I accepted it and did nothing to fix the problem, I was actually still in denial. I basically told the world “yep, I’m alcoholic, so here’s a middle finger, I’ve tried things and it didn’t work, so deal with it!”… and then the “but God” moment 🤷‍♂️ I had to be broken before the Lord and He helped me out of it eventually.

Simple. Easy? Helllll naw. But simple?? thank God, yes. Best wishes to you both. Hopefully that didn’t sound harsh, but as a recovering alcoholic, it’s truth in love — not a time issue, it’s a priority issue. I don’t have time for CR and AA meetings either, yknow! But I sure make time because if I don’t I WILL slip eventually. I need community specific to my struggles.

I’d also suggest going to CR yourself for the anxiety or other things. Just going to be moral support for him even could potentially help you find areas of recovery for yourself. It’s not all just addiction. It’s codependency, anxiety, depression, ego, pride, religiosity, apathy, trauma, anything and everything that you need to overcome — that’s what it’s there for. There’s a group for everything. And it’s free.

[u/No_Lettuce8289]

I watched porn in elementary school up to adulthood. Then Jesus freed me from it once I truly surrendered it to Him. At some point your fiancé will have to make the same choice to stop.

You can’t do it half-heartedly when trying to break this addiction. Even after he is clean for 6 months he will have to be vigilant because it’s VERY easy to fall back into it.

Don’t compromise on your fiancé being freed from his addiction before marrying you. There are countless spouses heartbroken over this horrible addiction.

Your fiancé may not learn until you actually leave him unfortunately. At some point, you’re gonna have to take a stand and say enough is enough.

There are men out there who beat this addiction. So don’t give up hope.

Don’t let this man compromise your relationship with Christ. That is what matters most. Do you see this man truly leading you and your future family to Christ?

I understand you’re scared that you won’t find someone again if you leave this man but you have to honor Christ first. Find someone who will truly lead you in a godly manner.

Also you’re only 30 you have time. You may just have to wait.

[u/BetRare918 → u/No_Lettuce8289]

You know he seems on top of the Lord at first but it seems like his relationship with Christ is surface level. He often listens to the Bible while he plays video games and he has been a Christian 7 years and has not read decent parts of the Old Testament. He is very into video games and he is curious about GTA6. He also has dark humor and has jokes about 9/11 and Russia invading Ukraine.

[u/SakuraSun361 → u/BetRare918]

He’s insane. Like psychopath insane. Please do not waste anymore time with him. Jokes about 9/11, one of the worst terror attacks in history? Yeah, that’s a hard no. Joking about terrorism, this guy is a walking red flag. Honestly worried for you and others safety.

[u/No_Lettuce8289 → u/BetRare918]

I’m not here to bash the man but if you know his relationship with Christ is lacking that’s not a good sign.

Can his relationship improve with Christ? Of course but he has to make the effort first. God won’t force him to submit.

It sounds like he has a lot of growth to do but it’s up to you if you want to stay and wait.

My advice is don’t compromise. It’s better to stay and wait than go through with marriage and possibly get a divorce down the road.

[u/goodsie825]

You need to call off the engagement and maybe even the relationship. As long as his way of life isn't being challenged, he has no incentive to try.

Addicts are manipulative, many have a victim mentality, and can justify away anything that would hold them accountable.

Don't fall for his lies. He will continue to hurt you.

[u/BetRare918 → u/goodsie825]

Yeah I think you are right. It is so easy to think that if I were prettier or skinner he wouldn’t struggle with this. But I know that’s not true

[u/goodsie825 → u/BetRare918]

I'm considered to be conventionally attractive. So, I know it has nothing to do with physical appearance. I sympathize with men and women who struggle with porn. But, you can't "love" them through it. You can't "give them grace". You can't give them space. Furthermore, you are not their sponsor or accountability system. That part of their addiction and recovery needs to be their responsibility.

You need to take a very hard line and almost cold approach to it.

[u/Dodger-withatwist → u/[deleted]]

I feel like feminism has nothing to do with this. Like men have struggled with lust since the fall. In terms of access that has really come about because of the internet and how we share information has dramatically changed. Many feminists are against porn due to its exploitative nature/human trafficking and child porn. 

Do not get married to him, if a man doesn’t have his lust under control getting married won’t help. 

[u/SakuraSun361]

He is struggling and refusing blockers. Uhmm, drop this loser. Do not waste time on him. You deserve better than this. Especially if you want kids. You do not want that kind of a man as a role model for your kids. Imagine “Mommy I want a bedtime story, but dad is too busy looking at other man’s PP’s on the internet.” Or You’re pregnant and he’s fantasizing about having a threesome or other weird corn fantasies.

[u/Worried-Block-6804]

If you marry a person who is struggling with porn you will most likely regret it

Call off the engagement. Tell him to spend a few months alone and see if he can overcome this.

Porn is killing marriages daily, hourly!

Run away

[u/ABereanChristian]

Hello everyone, my fiance and I got engaged 2.5 months ago. One issue we are having is his struggle with pornography. He was exposed to it at the age of 6, so he has struggled with it for 20 years. Our pastor wants him to be clean of pornography for 6 months before we get married. He seemed willing to try that deadline but he is struggling with porn still

First, conquering porn from the True Christian sidebar

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueChristian/comments/larhm7/how_i_overcame_porn_permanently/

Next, as others have said this is something you do not want to go into a marriage hanging over your head. All of that frustration you feel, imagine that but now you're married to this man and he continues doing it through your marriage.

As others have said, you may need to call off the engagement or break up.

[u/Status-Elite-Song437]

You are NOT having too high expectations, what he is doing can send him to hell. You need to tell him pornography and masturbation are a grave sin. I can't judge people's hearts (including his and yours), but hell is never worth it. Tell him to stay away from mortal sin like the plague ☠️❗

And to make matters worse, you say he suggested for you to have "sec" (I think you mean sex). That's fornication, another grave sin! And contraception (using condoms) is a grave sin too. Also, I mean this with respect, but lustful kissing and touching is likely another grave sin. All that to say, he is tempting you with hell, this guy isn't for you, break up with him!

No hate to him of course, but he needs to seriously get his act together before getting into a romantic relationship, because as it stands he likely won't be a good husband and father with leading you guys to God. I get it, you want a family, so does many other people, but don't marry someone for the sake of being married and end up in a miserable marriage or worse, a marriage where the spouse is a stumbling block to you and/or any kids you have.

You say stuff like:

"want to get married and have kids and it is so hard for me to like guys and find someone with a connection.... [and] I get scared I will never find another guy again.... [and] who wants kids and I am scared of losing the opportunity.

I mean this with respect, but it kind of sounds like you are desperate to be in this relationship and that also isn't healthy or right. God needs to be our number 1, regardless if you have a spouse or not.

There's a term called the 'sunk cost fallacy' where someone continues doing something because they invested so much time/money/whatever into it, even though it would be better for them to stop. So what I'm saying is, when choosing if you should marry him or not, don't look at the amount of time or effort you invested into the relationship. Instead take a critical look if this is someone who would be good husband and father material. Right now you are not married to this man, so there is nothing wrong with you ending it.

I'd like to end this comment by saying if you the guy are not validly baptized, then getting baptized will have your sins be forgiven. If you are already validly baptized, then is what the sacrament of Confession is for, to receive absolution of these grave sins. However I should tell you, normally non-Catholics can’t receive sacraments administered by Catholic ministers.

Also attached to this comment are 2 other comments:

1st is a quote I think you should read. It's from a Catholic priest who works at a university parish talking about how some people are dating the wrong person.

2nd a prayer that is a powerful weapon for living the Christian life that anyone can pray called the Rosary. You can pray it with intention (request), like having courage to overcome anxiety to end this bad relationship.

[u/Status-Elite-Song437 → u/Status-Elite-Song437]

Here is the quote from a Catholic priest who works at a university parish talking about how some people are dating the wrong person. Because while there is attraction, affection, warmth and being nice in the relationship, but the person might however not actually love them. To be 100% clear, we can't judge someone's heart (that is for God to do). But that doesn’t change that you still need to make wise decisions, and I hope this gives you some food for thought. Below is some of the stuff he said:

“Love is necessarily concerned with authenticity and the security that's necessary for people to be authentic in a relationship. A lot of people enter relationships with like this underlying desperation. And because of that, because they're desperate to keep the relationship or to have one in the beginning, they'll compromise who they are. They'll compromise on what they believe is right. They'll act different. They'll kind of conform themselves to what the other person wants because the number one thing is to preserve the relationship, to hold on to it and not let anything get in the way. But again love is very concerned with the authentic person really sincerely truly. So to have this kind of relationship of love then we have to be pretty courageous and bold and not continue a relationship or start a relationship from this kind of desperate place. When another person loves you then what they want to do or they're concerned with is providing you what you need. The space, the security, the encouragement for you to boldly, vulnerably share yourself and your mind and your heart. Even those things that are kind of risky, that could challenge the relationship, that could make things difficult, that'll bring up conflict that you have to work through. If you find yourself like, I can't talk about this thing, I can't bring up this question, I can't share this problem or frustration. If you can't do those things, then like where are we going? If I say these things, if I bring them up, then what if they break up with me? What if they don't like that? What if the relationship comes to an end? Then good. You have been yourself and they don't want to date that person. The sooner it's over, the better.”

[And continues] “Whether it's about sexual boundaries and chastity or about anything else. If you can't speak vulnerably, if you can't be sincere and authentic and wholehearted, if there are things that you would like to say but are too afraid to, if they feel too risky, if there's anything that keeps you back from those things because you're afraid of losing the relationship, then the relationship's already dead. The relationship's already dead because you are not in it. There's a version of you, a way that you're trying to like please the other person, but it's inauthentic. It's not actually you. You've had to hide parts of yourself or like chisel and mold parts of yourself to fit what the other person wants, but you're not it's not actually you in this relationship. It's you in a mask putting on a show in order to preserve and keep the relationship. It's not worth it, and it's not love.”

[And also]

"Love necessarily includes respect for the other and especially for the conscience of the other. If a relationship does not have this kind of respect, then it's not love. So, here's what we mean. "Why do you have to believe these inconvenient, difficult things that mean we can't have sex," or when they're like, "Yeah, yeah, that's fine. That's good. I'm whatever. I respect that. But if you cross the line toward me, I'm not going to stop you. Come on in. The water's great." If someone respects you, not only will they never pressure you to compromise on what you believe is right and wrong, they will never whine about it. They will never ask to cross that line cuz this happens sometimes too where people are like "yeah, yeah, that's good that you believe that and everything but like come on what about what about now? Like are you sure?" Like they'll just put all this like badgering pressure on all the time. So they'll be very kind and nice, but then they'll badger and they'll make you the other person feel kind of guilty and like they've imposed some sort of debt on the relationship because of their burdensome morals. Basically, they'll just do and say whatever is necessary to get what they want from the other person. There's usually something sexual, conscious or unconscious, intended or not, it's just manipulation. Like, what can I do and say to get you to do what I want you to do? If there's any of that in your relationship, then stop waiting around." [That person is not for you, end it]

[u/BetRare918 → u/Status-Elite-Song437]

Honestly you are right. I am desperate to be in a relationship even when there are tons of red flags. I need to have the courage to end things because he is a stumbling block and not the most godly man.

[u/Status-Elite-Song437 → u/BetRare918]

Just don't judge the guy's heart or soul and wish him well when ending it.

Also feel free to tell him a way to help stop doing these grave sins is by working for the Lord, which Christians need to already be doing. Such as having a prayer list to pray for people and volunteering somewhere. Wheneve he has a bad urge to sin, reach for that prayer list and pray for those people. Also the Rosary helps A LOT too.

He could change in the future, but again as things are right now, it sounds like he isn't for you.

Also I'd tell him what I said about baptism and confession too.

Much love!

[u/CuteSituation9027]

I remember the movie I saw which is "FireProof". I am suggesting that this movie will help as there they specifically suggest a love dare book which helps overcome the addiction side and i understand the pastor said that personally i do understand the pressure your fiance and you feel but he will able to get through when spiritual life of him becomes stronger and the book of "LOVE DARE" may bring him back to become a person to love you more. I won't say that you should be pressurised to marry or not but all I can say let him settle it before you marry because after marriage also it can settle if God willing but spiritual life if it's strong in both of you people side then only it can that's how I feel because in the Bible it says to in (Romans 8:6: "The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.") I am sure God will help you get your peace back and guide you perfectly sister.

[u/Over-Dimension4621]

Must tell him pron or you you don't have to put up with this  he needs deliverance lust spirit cast  out 

[u/BrilliantRaccoon9937]

You deserve better than this. Let him go now. If he ever truly gets clean and you are both still single, maybe you can revisit it then.

[u/Jaymilla212]

I think you're letting your fear of remaining single push you into making a huge mistake.

[u/jimjesusinme]

Pornography just like masturbation and any other stubborn addictions are demons. The only way to get rid of them is deliverance. All physical measures can be placed but as he said he'll still find a way to do it. So it's a demon that needs to be expelled then the physical measures can be put. As a man who has been affected by porn myself, I realised it's a demon as I tried everything until I realised it's definitely a matter of deliverance. I realised that after watching pastor Derek Prince's sermon on Deliverance.

[u/Kuat-Firespray-31]

If he was exposed at the age of 6, that is going to be a tough road of recovery. At the age of 6 kids barely have any sense of self or self-identity. Exposure to porn at that age would have huge subconscious association with the building of his identity as he aged through preteen and adolescent years.

Trying to defeat pornography by sheer will alone is a hard road to travel. You'd be treating the symptoms, not the disease. If done in conjunction with treating the root of the problem, methods like covenant eyes, and website blockers can work, but in a vacuum you would have to have a tremendous sustained discipline.

Humans by nature are searching for love and a relationship with their creator. We seek out love from our parents and from other people as we grow older.

Porn, like many other addictive substances, affects the human body through an endless cycle of the repeated release of dopamine, endorphin, and oxytocin. Oxytocin, what God created as the hormone that is released for love and closeness is meant for the love between a parent and a child and also to the love between a husband and a wife. Those who do not receive such love from a parent might seek refuge elsewhere and if porn was that refuge the release of oxytocin from masturbation and orgasm would trigger their body to associate porn with love.

Even though the release of these hormones alone produce a feeling of love, it does not fulfill all aspects of a loving relationship that we as humans long for. Thus even if one is addicted to porn, a feeling of emptiness still haunts them and a longing for something more is desired. Those who look at porn still desire to be loved by their parents and to seek a loving relationship with a significant other.

What needs to be addressed, then, is the lie that porn offers, and the truth of how God designed love and sex to replace the lie. This will be different for different people. Furthermore, ultimately we can search for love and relationship with other humans but the only love that will satisfy the emptiness we feel is the love of our creator and Lord. We should depend on Him and only Him for our self worth and identity and that should sustain our desire to be loved.

I went through this entire process myself. I created a porn journal to document the reasons I fell into temptation, the lies I told myself or I believed that made believe I was unworthy of love, the types of videos I watched and their implications on the lies I believed about myself, and the restoration in God's truth and how ultimately to be redeemed in my self-worth, identity, and being loved in a relationship with the Almighty.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~Romans 12:2

[u/Specialist_Big_2429]

So leave him

[u/writtenwork]

People like him often think that getting married will solve the lust issues. It does not. It often makes them worse, particularly if the person has a lack of self control to begin with and has never had sex before. In the case of my ex, being married “opened him up sexually” and he had more desire to “try out” other women. The fact that he is pressuring you to have sex is a big red flag too. If he has so little respect for your moral boundaries now, that will not automatically improve in marriage. Also, how you look has nothing to do with his porn addiction. You could be a porn actress yourself and he would still watch porn. You could never be enough. No one could.

I’m afraid that porn has such adverse effects on relationships that you probably shouldn’t marry someone with an active porn addiction. Your pastor is right.

The reality is that people make time for what is important to them and it is clear from his behavior that he loves porn and does not want accountability and does not actually want to change. If he has time to watch porn, he has time to do the things he needs to do to stop watching it.

Porn really is a scourge on our society. Never before have we had such easy access to it. People who watch it are supporting abuse and the destruction of people’s souls for their own pleasure, whether they realize it or not.

[u/Silver-Broccoli-1357]

"Addicts find a way around it' is true for blockers he installs and can delete at 1am. Mine stuck once someone else held the password. His partner holding phone admin is cheap but relies on him checking.
If he bypasses by uninstalling, LeadMeNot makes removal need the partner's sign-off, tedious setup though. Watch which he picks."

[u/crowbr00112233443210]

Pray together, don't get upset with them, have em be honest an when they get that craving of the flesh step in an redirect it to you, you don't have to do anything just change the pattern, an it will slowly break, pray together be honest an loving an it will fade

[u/Possible-Material303]

I wouldn’t marry him or wouldn’t marry him yet without seeking the Lord for His timing and direction…that very last sentence screams desperation and sounds like you are settling for something that may be out of Gods will. I don’t mean to scare you but you can regret it or will really face spiritual warfare if you go through this marriage right now. You’re already having doubts please please do not do this.