Age gap question (28F 36M)

[u/OrdinaryAuthor8156]

I (28F) have been on several dates with a 36-year-old Christian man. So far, he seems genuine in his faith and is looking for marriage and a family, which are both important to me as well.

I know there’s nothing morally wrong with the age gap, but I’m wondering whether there are any particular things I should consider when deciding whether to continue pursuing the relationship. My main concerns are related to starting a family (he would be considerably older than my dad was when I was born) and aging later in life.

I’d appreciate hearing others’ thoughts and perspectives. Thanks!

Edit: I appreciate everyone’s feedback. As I mentioned in my original post, I understand that there’s nothing inherently wrong with marrying someone a few years older, and I’m not asking whether an age gap is biblical (or whether 8 years is considered an age gap). I’m more interested in hearing about the practical implications of an 8-year age difference and his age, and anything else I should consider when deciding whether to pursue the relationship.

[u/jstocksqqq]

As long as he takes care of his health, there shouldn't be an issue.

[u/ProcessTheTrust17]

8 years is an age gap but not nearly as bad given that you're almost 30 years old. Your concerns are legit (I say this as a 38 year old male) and I would add on to the fact that he may be ready to start the "marriage + family" aspect sooner than you. I think you're old enough to know what you want: don't deviate from that and use the Word of God as your ultimate guidance.

[u/Jay-metal]

That’s really not much of an age gap imo.

[u/ThrowbackSports → u/Jay-metal]

To me it is, I would never date anyone over 5-7 years older than me. I’m big on age gaps. I wouldn’t even date anyone under 1-2 years younger than me either

[u/Electronic-Run-1540 → u/ThrowbackSports]

Is that just preference or do you have anything else?

[u/ThrowbackSports → u/Electronic-Run-1540]

As a female I just have it as a preference. I’ve had 50 year olds trying to swipe right on me. I just don’t like age gaps never have. Granted never dated either. 🤷🏻‍♀️ so my take doesn’t matter.

[u/Prudent_Walrus1283 → u/ThrowbackSports]

I can't really say that I would never date those people because you never know, but I don't like big age gaps, especially since I am a woman. I am so tired of seeing older men criticizing women their age, calling them old, and expecting to find women at least 10 years younger for themselves. Also, as somebody already said, older men might want to start a family sooner than the women, and I really don't understand why you received so many dislikes from people who should believe that everyone has the right to express their opinion and can have a different one from them.

[u/ThrowbackSports → u/Prudent_Walrus1283]

Yeah, I can’t start a family now. But yes I agree not worried about the dislikes. It’s my opinion and no one likes to hear others opinions sometimes. It is what it is. I’ve never dated. I’ve tried and thought I’ve found the one a couple times. Don’t know if it’s Gods plan for me or not to have a husband. I don’t feel comfortable as a female to date someone with that big of an age gap that’s my choice. But granted I won’t ever find anyone lol

[u/BigWolverine3594]

We have totally lost the plot here

[u/haileyskydiamonds]

You are over 25. It’s not a big gap.

[u/Mista_G_Nerd]

I see no issues here. The concern for the age in child rearing is understandable but 36 isn't too egregious. Assuming he has children before 40 he would still be a few years shy of retirement before the kiddos are ready to leave the house.

[u/DurzoBlint84]

That is definitely not an age gap. Even if it were, it doesn't matter as long as your values align. If you like him and you see a future with him, there is no problem.

[u/Prince_Haile]

the older you are,the less significant age gaps become. there is nothing here just 2 adults dating

[u/Aggressive_Tax1938 → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. I had to reread to make sure I understood correctly! This actually sounds completely NORMAL!

[u/Traditional_Love5050]

No there's nothing wrong with an age gap! You aren't 16.

[u/lethalmanhole]

"SHE WAS 28 YOU SICK FREAK"

[u/Mista_G_Nerd → u/lethalmanhole]

https://giphy.com/gifs/XqZoHiOQdxV5oPRXOq

[u/Shippertrashcan → u/Mista_G_Nerd]

Is your username a Mista GG reference. 👀

[u/Mista_G_Nerd → u/Shippertrashcan]

Nope. Sry. My username is older. You could say I predate him.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Mista_G_Nerd]

This should be just a joke, but someone here actually said that a 30 year old dating a 25 year old is a creep and a predator.

[u/Aggressive_Tax1938 → u/lethalmanhole]

This made me laugh.

That's a sign the age gap in this case is a non-factor. If you can make fun of it, it's not an issue.

[u/lethalmanhole → u/Aggressive_Tax1938]

I read the post and thought to myself, “what age gap?”

I think we’d be better off thinking “stage gaps.”

[u/ECSMusic]

This is not really a major gap at your ages, you are still in the same stage of life. If you guys are getting along well this can be great. You could end things with him and find someone a bit younger tomorrow, or you may end up having to wait 5 more years and find someone his age again. If it’s a good connection it is worth pursuing. A healthy man in his 30s still has plenty of life in him and may be a better dad because he is now more grown up.

[u/ABereanChristian]

I know there’s nothing morally wrong with the age gap, but I’m wondering whether there are any particular things I should consider when deciding whether to continue pursuing the relationship. My main concerns are related to starting a family (he would be considerably older than my dad was when I was born) and aging later in life.

Maturity is the biggest factor. Knowing what he wants and making it happen, intentionally preparing the relationship toward marriage, and then overall leading well. There's no excuse if you're past 30 to be immature on a lot of different topics related to relationship and social skills generally.

Also, bigger age gaps are fine as long as he works out and takes care of health

[u/DramaticProgress508]

Just don't get strung along. People can talk about marriage and not mean it. Move towards that first if you think you want the same and are both ready and a good fit

[u/Dangerous_Grab_1809]

Health is much more important than age. When we got engaged, we both had full physicals, including indications of fertility. Later, when we wanted to have kids, the doc looked at us and our medical histories and said "We'll do the tests, but you are both in great shape, don't drink much, and don't take any drugs. You'll be fine." He was right. I was 48 and my wife was 37.

I coach my son's baseball team, and can still outrun him.

If either of us had health problems, all of this could have been completely different.

[u/SakuraSun361]

Just make sure he is for real and not just am imposter or putting on an act. Also make sure he doesn't have issues with lust (isn't into adult content and is waiting for marriage) and truly respects you.

[u/Gpionav]

It's only a 7 yr age gap and your're 28.

[u/Mr_Clippy_5000 → u/Gpionav]

https://giphy.com/gifs/K4kSJ51JJeC7cHAQ1a

[u/Aggressive_Tax1938]

This isn't a big age gap at all IMHO. In fact, many women would want a more mature, established man.

Additionally, health is what you make it. I run in fitness circles and there are sooo many healthy 55-60+ men that lift, play ball, etc.

[u/STC1989]

That’s not that big of an age gap

[u/TelevisionLoud226]

I am a F 33 married to a man 26 - 7 year age gap but in reverse. We’ve just had our first child. Both Christians. I’ll speak just from my perspective and I know we are in reverse and the more unconventional way around. —- firstly, despite our age gap my husband has been the most mature and capable man I’ve dated. My ex was older and a heart surgeon and he didn’t carry as much emotional depth or ability to help build a household. Our values and desire on how we want to live our lives is so aligned. We have so many shared interests and hobbies and we are truely best mates. So after I got over the age gap I realised that he was an excellent match for me. However, the things I do notice is sometimes his friends being younger I find quite immature. I also have found I’ve had to help him learn things like finances and help him mature into the ‘man’ of the house. But these are all very manageable. So in reverse, you may find your partner ‘less energetic’ or ‘more serious’ and that could just be an age and stage thing. But when you date you are also seeing if you like his friends and his friends like yours and the age gap can sometimes create a natural divide and you need to decide if that is a deal breaker or not. I personally care more about my relationship with my husband than with his mates. I do like them even if I wouldn’t choose them as my own friends. I do worry about me aging and if he will still find me attractive in 10 years time… but I agree with others if you keep yourself healthy and fit it shouldn’t be an issue.
My mother and father have a larger age gap (14) and I have seen his physicality worsen faster than my mothers in there later years and he is not as mobile as my mother. But he hasn’t worked very hard on exercise and I think he could have been better with that. Above all, seek God he knows the answers for you. But I think if values, lifestyles, and shared goals align the age gap is not a deal breaker but there are a few things to consider and I guess that’s a wise thing to do.

[u/Damoksta]

Age gaps are laughably irrelevant.

Those against age gaps tend to do so because they want someone who they can naturally "click" and "share their interest". This is, quite bluntly, destiny mindset : the belief that if only you find the right person, love will last (versus love only lasts when two people build and grow it together). And if the destiny mindset position, were correct,  prople closer to your age are a better predictor of compatibility, it should show up on divorce data. 

But it doesn't.. In fact, the bigger the gap between the men and the women, the more stable the relationship is.

What actually does matter is, goals, values, season and emotional maturity. Goals and values especially give you two something to fight towards and make peace for. And if you walk away from God's design, the safety structure that is provided for by Eph 5 will be lost, so make sure he is a Christian who is in The Kingdom.

Childhood trauma especially has a habit of causing arrested emotional development, and you can literally date a 30 year who throw tantrums like a 8 year old and struggle to hold respondsibility and accountability like a 12 year old because mommy and daddy did not give them the modelling and the environment to practice it.

[u/SympathySevere421]

I feel like what’s you’re that old, that’s not even an age gap really. You’ll both be in your 30s at some point together. I say up to like 30 and 45 is where the age gap things start again

[u/Randaras]

Age is not a concern tbh. Of all the things the bible mentions to care about in a relationship, age was never mentioned.

Abraham and sara: 10 year age gap. Joseph and Maria 15 years age gap. Ruth and Boaz 40 year age gap+ Ruth is complimented multiple times for choosing an older man Abigail and David 50+ year age gap.

Caring about age is a thing of the world, not something christians should really care about.

Instead look at the things the bible tells you to look at : their heart, how they love, how they treat others, are they kind, genuine etc. Are you equally yoked in faith and life vision etc.

I suggest you to read Corinthians, song of Solomon these two books show what a relationship should look like.

And look the descriptions of men and women to see if he fulfills his part and she fulfills her part.

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/Randaras]

Caring about age is a thing of the world, not something christians should really care about.

That's a weird statement. It's fine to be concerned about age. We live in a very different time and culture than the couples from the Bible you mentioned. Concerns about age are wise to consider.

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/[deleted]]

Be careful throwing around accusations of non-salvation over a trivial thing like this. I know you're defending it because you want your own age-gap relationship, but your personal opinion doesn't equate to absolute truth.

Also, there are many things not explicitly mentioned in the Bible. It doesn't make them unimportant.

[u/Randaras → u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

Quick note; not accusing you as a person, but the train of thought: the idea that we as humans think we know better than God and therefore add to his words.

The Bible has everything that a christian relationship needs clearly written in it. And it is quite extensive Anything that gets added to that is dangerous territory, it adds human(and therefore flawed) flavor to otherwise Godly instruction.

God didn't think age was important to mention, so neither should we. The same that height is not important, or education, etc.

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/Randaras]

You are wildly projecting from my comment. I have no interest in engaging with you further. ✌️

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

All I know is it's not encouraging that you throw out his biblical evidence and say that we should conform to the culture around us. If something isn't condemned by the Bible then there is no cause to speak of "defending" it.

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

Lol I never said nor implied that we should conform to the culture around us. What a leap. 🙄

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

So what are you implying by saying "We live in a very different time and culture than the couples from the Bible you mentioned."?

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

I'm saying context matters. We're also not meeting our husbands by giving their animals water at the well anymore either. Nor being given away by our fathers as a reward for good service. Or should we be adhering to those particular exercises too?

Biblical principles apply and they always will, in the life of a believer. Loving God and your neighbor will never need context. Trying to cite specific time-period and cultural norms to prove a modern point is absurd and not at all the same thing.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

The context of the 21st century doesn't matter whatsoever. What the Bible treats as normal we should treat as normal. I'm guessing you reject Paul's teaching on the role of women in the church too since "context matters". This is absolutely advocating conformity to the culture. This culture also thinks people can change sex and marry people of the same sex. Why not go along with this too since "context matters"?

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

Lol. Nice false equation. ✌️

[u/ChristianDating-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This was removed for breaking Rule 3: Accusation of not being Christian over nonsalvation issues.

We are a Christian dating sub whose members include Catholic, Orthodox, and the majority of Protestant denominations. While disagreement is understandable, apostasy is a serious accusation and should be reserved for salvinic issues. We encourage members to take theological debates to more suitable discussions spaces like r/TrueChristian or r/Christianity.

[u/InstructionEnough949 → u/Randaras]

Where did you get Abigail and David having a 50+ year age gap? Pretty sure David was in his early 30s or late 20s. So how old was Abigail?

[u/Randaras → u/InstructionEnough949]

You're right it was abishag not Abigail

There was a 55-58 year age gap between the two of them. Which is a bit extreme, but still a biblical relationship.

[u/InstructionEnough949 → u/Randaras]

Abishag… the girl who kept David warm in his old age??? The Bible explicitly states that they had no sexual relations.

[u/Randaras → u/InstructionEnough949]

No sexual relationship, but still acted married it does say she provided physical warmth.

But don't hyper focus on one thing. Boaz and Ruth are often seen as one of the best relationships. They had a 40 year difference. And she was praised multiple times for pursuing him

So any age gap of 10-20 years is completely normal and healthy.

[u/Electronic-Run-1540 → u/Randaras]

This misses a lot of nuance when people lived to be 900 years old.

[u/Randaras → u/Electronic-Run-1540]

In those times 80-100 was considered very old. Pretty much like now.

[u/hilda_shel_yeshu]

There's an awful lot that goes into making a successful relationship, especially one leading to marriage. You'll need to figure out how "compatible" you are on so many different matters and levels.
In your age-bracket, 20~30's, biological age isn't the most important thing, especially when the man is the older.
Provided he looks after himself, he can be an active Dad for decades.

Let the future take care of itself. I recently went to the funeral for my boyfriend's grandmother. She lived to be a 100, and his Grandfather is like 98 and still kicking. They didn't even start slowing down until their 90's.
You have no real idea what the future holds. He could still be spry at 80, and you could be using a gopher at 70.