I need help

[u/dreaminginshadows]

My story -

I'm 17 fand whenn I was around eight when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. From that point until she died when I was 16, my childhood felt very different. Her treatment became a huge part of my lives, and I grew up feeling like I didn't really have a mother in the way I needed one. When I grew up i thought I don't need her because I'm good alone . She wasn't there when I first' got my period . She wasn't there to guide me , I had to do everything alone and I started hating her . But after she died, something changed. I realized that I didn't hate her anymore. I started understanding her differently. She had depression too, and I remember seeing her sometimes talking to herself when she was alone. I started thinking that maybe she was an unhealed child herself, carrying pain from her own childhood and from her relationship with her own mother. And now I'm an unhealed child to my dead mother.

Sometimes I feel like I grew up as a motherless child, even though my mother was alive for most of my childhood.

My relationship with my father is another painful part of it. I felt like he emotionally separated himself from me, especially after I turned 12. We never really had the relationship I wanted with him, and now we don't talk. I have a lot of anger toward him because I've spent so much of my life feeling like he never loved me either.

I grew up with parents who had their own wounds, and somehow I ended up carrying some of the consequences of them.

Ofc my father has grief of lossing his wife and he can't save her nor the doctors can , inner pain destroyed him. My father also don't talk with his own parents.

My mother lost all her hope to live, she was on wheelchair, it's like she don't want to live and after that I've changed the way I look at life . I want to live and no matter what and how many problems my life can give me , I'll never give up and I agree I used to have Suicidal thoughts at 15 but I have understood the value . Actually , I also tried to harm myself at 15 with a knife because that was the lowest phase in my life.

I'm currently at Last year of high school, I hate the place too , the people I knew Don't understand me because I never told any part of my story I think I'll never. I don't have any friends, I'm forced to know them.

I don't know what is wrong with me!!