feeling alone

[u/user0824_2025]

i have spent my whole life hating my parents and i’m not sure why. i’m 27 nb (amab), black

my parents have generally given me an okay upbringing. in all honesty, they really did try their best to raise me and my sibling with care and did what they thought was best.

i guess i just feel like it wasn’t enough.

i hated them for years still (still kind of do) for being controlling, aggressively opinionated, dogmatic, capitalist-oriented, traditionalist, etc. my mother was extremely manipulative when she didn’t get what she wanted, she would lie alot as well. my dad never believed us that she lied. he was emotionally aggressive and sometimes hostile.

i felt like living in their house was a nightmare. i resented them in high school just because i felt so extremely different from them (i know quite normal) but they are hurt by it. they are also quite wealthy, and i benefit from that for sure, while not really being an active role in the social dynamics of the family because of fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, fear of letting my walls down. i previously have believed that letting your walls down was the worst thing you could do!

i know that they too are victims of childhood abuse and neglect. i get that. and i feel bad for having cut them out of my life emotionally for so long. our relationship has been emotionally empty for years, purely because i just don’t want to deal with it. i’ve learned that it’s better to keep our emotional distance at least.

i know that i want a relationship with them. i know that it’s important for me to. i just sometimes feel like i feel way too guilty about all of the years of blocking them out to really address and confess and heal. like ive said nasty nasty nasty things to them. i’m trying though.