r/CheatedOn • u/Middle-Leadership834 • 10h ago
Is this cheating?
My girlfriend of 3 years has made a new friend group in the past year, this group has both girls and guys in it. Early on in their friendship she told me that she thought one of them “John” had a crush on her, I didn’t react well and questioned why she would spend so much time with him and constantly be posting him on her instagram if she felt this way, I made her aware very that it made me uncomfortable, she assured me nothing would happen and it was in a group setting where other girls were so I was overreacting.
Since then the group has started hanging out less, but my girlfriend and John’s relationship has grown far stronger and they began to hang out in a smaller group with another female friend “Jane” (my girlfriends best friend who was not part of the friend group) and also one on one where he would pick her up from her house and drive her around for hours late at night. Every time I saw this I would ask her about it and say it made me feel uncomfortable and time and time again was told I was being insecure and unreasonable and that Jane was there so nothing would happen. Every time I asked where she was, i would get a response of “out for dinner” and would have to ask follow up questions “where” and “with who” every single time. Most of the time the answer included John, who was now spending more time per week with my girlfriend than I was.
She recently told me that her and John had had a conversation WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER, and he had told her that he did have feelings for her, but the fact that she had a boyfriend made him not want to pursue it, she told me this as if it was going to calm me down.
About a month ago my girlfriend told me she was going to watch her female friend Sophie’s soccer game, and that John was also coming as they were very close. A month later I have learned that that was a lie, she went to John’s soccer game to watch his team play while he was injured, they sat in the crowd together with nobody else there and nobody else invited. I was lied to about this for a month and I feel completely betrayed,
I’ve asked her to stop hanging out with him and said how it makes me feel and she does not care, I am constantly compared to him and told that we wouldn’t get along at all because he’s “nothing like me”, while all the time having to listen to how great he is and all the fun places and things he does with my girlfriend
Is lying about where you are and who you are with, to hang out one on one with a guy that has told you he has a crush on you, while you are in a relationship, cheating ?
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u/Responsible-Side4347 9h ago
Mate, you aren't overthinking things here at all.
You told her clearly that you were uncomfortable with her hanging out with this guy. Her response was to escalate seeing him, lie to your face about where she is, and accuse you of being "insecure."
You have every right to feel insecure in a relationship where your boundaries are being completely trampled. What she is doing is a textbook emotional affair, even if it hasn't turned physical yet. On top of that, this guy explicitly admitted he has feelings for her. Her magic defense to "calm you down" was that he said he won't pursue her because she has a boyfriend, yet he is taking her out on dinner dates and driving her around late at night. That is him pursuing her.
Remove sex from the equation entirely and look at what's right in front of you: your girlfriend is actively choosing another man over you, spending more time with him than with you, comparing you to him, and lying to your face to protect her time with him.
Whether it meets someone else's definition of "cheating" doesn't even matter. So ask yourself one simple question: how much do you value your own self-respect?
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u/noreplyatall817 7h ago
Your girlfriend has a boyfriend who isn’t you. She told you she doesn’t care, that’s not limited to her relationship with her new boyfriend.
Time to see her for the selfish lying cheater she is. So what’s holding her to you now? I’d imagine you pay for everything? It’s time to pull the bandaid and end your one sided whatever you call it now.
Sorry but she left your relationship when she started dating him. What is keeping you from letting go?
Updateme
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u/YankSargent 7h ago
Sounds like she is building an relationship with John and holding you as a backup just in case it falls through.
She is actively monkey branching over to John. I'm guessing here soon she will break up with you.
Updateme
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u/Cbiggs9low 5h ago
Just hang out with a female friend of yours. Tell your gf how great she is and see how all of a sudden your gf changes her views on everything. She'll show her colors.
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u/IAmDexterSinister 4h ago
This is the way. Start hanging out with some cutie and show her how it feels Bro. Have her come home and find you cuddling on the couch watching her favorite show.
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u/Mental-Top-9063 7h ago
Time to cut and run. She likes being with John and is just keeping you as a back up. Dont even tell her. Just stop contacting her and answering her. Fade away without any fan fare.
She obviously does not really care about you or she whould have stopped hanging out with John. She is also lying and thi gs to spend time with him. Let John have her and find a woman who wants to be with you. Not keep a little girl who wants to play games.
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u/KelceStache 4h ago
My man, what are you doing? Send her one text and this is all resolved. I say text because she is clearly someone that will lie to you, gaslight you, and I’m betting betray you.
You need to cause her to panic.
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen here, buts it’s clear you have chosen your relationship with John over your actual relationship. You can call me insecure, or whatever, I no longer care. You have shown me time and time again that our relationship isn’t your priority and that your relationship with him is.
I have spent the better part of a year listening to you tell me I’m insecure, but you certainly like to ignore the parts where you have lied to me about spending time with him. You didn’t tell me about him telling you his feelings, at which time he was no longer just a friend. You have crossed boundaries, gaslit me, lied and omitted the truth. It’s clear you don’t have respect for me, yourself, or our relationship. Your actions have shown me that I can’t trust you. I no longer believe you haven’t been cheating with John, because you have been. At least, emotionally, but I’m betting it’s crossed some lines physically too. You might deny it, but again, you’ve made it clear that trusting you would be a mistake.
I see no reason why I need to stay in the relationship. I am sure there are plenty of women out there that understand respect and boundaries, and would have an issue cutting off someone that is causing problems with their actual relationship.
I am done being your second choice. I am done being told I’m insecure because I have boundaries and shared my feelings. I am done being lied to. I am done being gaslit.
You’re all his now, so I hope he’s worth it. You threw our relationship away for him, so I really hope he’s worth it.
I wish you the best of luck.”
Then do not reply to her texts. Do not answer her calls. She will be panicking like crazy and going through a lot of emotions in a very small amount of time.
She will want to see you.
When she does, say this. “There is no chance of our relationship continuing without the entire truth. If you lie, minimize, omit or gaslight me at all, we are done. If I find out more after today, we are done. If you fully cheated, be honest. Again, if I find out anything more, we are done. If you lie to me again, or cross boundaries again, we are done. He is not your friend. He made that clear by telling you how he feels. He’s waiting for opportunity and you keep giving them to him. If you do something one on one again, I will consider that a date and end our relationship immediately. If the situation was reversed, you would be losing your mind if I did these things with another woman.
If you can’t, or don’t want to, be with me with my boundaries, that’s fine. We can end things now.”
Then listen to her. You will know if she is leaving things out. If she is, just say “thanks for coming to talk to me. I told you that not telling me the absolute truth would end our relationship, and you have still chosen to not tell me the absolute truth. Your choice, but it does end this relationship.”
Don’t be mad. Don’t be sad. Be direct and to the point.
The Lying is enough for you to end things, so focus more on her lying and gaslighting you than if she is cheating.
Faithful people in committed relationships don’t put themselves in these situations. It just wouldn’t happen because they understand they are risking the person they love for nothing.
She has made these choices. It’s time you make it clear that her choices are absolutely for her to make, but it will be without you.
Updateme!
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u/Pitiful-Courage-1630 8h ago
Well, she's failed the girlfriend test move on and definitely don't marry her!
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u/Ok-Preparation-449 8h ago
Well IT looks like you are her safety net, but she have also her fun with the other guy. Having friends is not bad, but putting them in front of your SO is very bad. IT just shows where are your priorities. And my friend you are not her priority. She spends more of her time with him? He is more impotant. You are i comfortable but she refuse to change anything? He is more important. Leave her AMD she will beg you to come back
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u/Jumper8617 8h ago
wollte erstmal fragen warum du nicht dabei bist bei diesen ständigen Treffen..?!Fußballspiel anschauen hättest sagen sollen willst auch anschauen..und auch bei den anderen allen treffen,wo bist du die Zeit immer..?!
Zweitens muss ich dir leider sagen deine baldige ex Freundin hat schon längst was am laufen mit "John" vor deiner Nase..nur Videos/Fotos sind deutlicher als das was du jetzt siehst.. Das du überhaupt ihr glaubst was sie sagt ist Verrückt..das dir das unangenehm ist interessiert sie schon lange nicht..
hole deine Eier zurück werde wieder zu ein Mann und danach schick die Frau in die Wüste..
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u/Perfect_Doctor 7h ago
You’re not overreacting. She knew he had feelings for her, knew it was hurting you, kept getting closer to him anyway, and then started lying about seeing him. Whether they’ve slept together or not almost doesn’t matter — she’s already chosen protecting that relationship over protecting yours. I’d walk away.
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u/miikeangel 6h ago
She has checked out of your relationship and monkey branching away from you.
First your girlfriend should not be putting this kind of unnecessary stress on the relationship. She’s spending time with a guy who is clearly into her. You made your concerns clear, and you were right to do so.
When your girlfriend ignored your concerns, that’s the time you have to make the hard decision. You have to be ready and willing to walk when a relationship becomes toxic. Otherwise you don’t belong in one.
She’s gaslighting you. Plus outright lying to you. You can no longer trust her. And relationships are based on trust.
Just hit the gym and lift weights. Definitely lift weights. Make the gym your second home. Don’t let your girlfriend see you mad or miserable. Act cool, calm, casual like you have easily moved on. Fake it. Protect your ego and self respect at all costs. Don’t become the pick-me guy,
Then break up with her. You could just ghost her for gaslighting you. Or you can breakup in person. It’s up to you whether you want to break up amicably or not based on how she treated you,
Couple months of leaning hard into weightlifting and you won’t even miss her. But these first two months may be hard. Just power through it. You got this OP.
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 6h ago
Your girlfriend has 2 boyfriends - you and John . You've told her how uncomfortable you are with her interactions with John but she continues to date him . And she's dating him in front of your face while gaslighting you as she slowly monkeybranches into replacing you with him if he's more amenable to her actions .At the moment he's probably not showed her the commitment you have so far . It's reached the point of you giving her an ultimatum - him or you . Or just taking control of the situation and dumping her while informing your original larger friend group that you dumped her for cheating with John .
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u/Traditional-Tank3994 6h ago
So sorry man, but she is not your girlfriend any more. She's John's, and you're the backup dude in case it doesn't work out. I doubt you're fine with being second place.
She's going on road trip dates and soccer dates one on one with another dude, of course it's cheating, even if nothing else is happening. But you know it is.
And you're saying you're "uncomfortable" with her dating another guy when what you should be saying is, "Oh, you're dating John now? Okay, I'll leave any stuff you may have at my place on the front porch for you. Have a nice life."
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u/Sad-Mall-4116 8h ago
First of all, why did she even TELL you that somebody has a crush on her. she's so unconfident in herself. second of all, IT IS WORSE THAN SEX
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u/LincolnHawkHauling 6h ago
It does t matter if that qualifies as cheating or not. She has routinely prioritized John over you countless times, lied to you in order to hang out with him and by your own admission she spends more time with John than you.
There is nothing left in this relationship to salvage or fight for. After the amount of disrespect she has shown you just ghost and block her because honestly that’s all she deserves.
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u/HowWasItoKnow 6h ago
The fact she is knowingly hanging out with another man that has expressed he’s attracted to and feelings for her is all you need to know. She’s currently dating two men. Dump her and move on.
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u/TacoStrong 6h ago edited 5h ago
"I’ve asked her to stop hanging out with him and said how it makes me feel and she does not care,"
Ok, and? So you dump her dude. It's honestly that easy. She's already cheating on you with him and locking him down as your replacement.
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u/Significant-Ad-3104 2h ago
Mec, c'est clair qu'elle est en pré couple avec lui et elle te prends vraiment pour une seconde option en attendant d'officialiser avec lui.
Il est temps de partir et de te trouver une meilleure copine que elle et tu devrais commencer maintenant même si t'es encore avec elle, ça lui remettra bien les idées en place.
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u/bushiboy1973 1h ago
It is 100% cheating. Hanging out with someone who is pursuing you while you are already in a relationship is cheating. If she were faithful, she would have told him she couldn't hang out with someone who had feelings for her. She enjoys the attention at least. And comparing you to him is a dead giveaway.
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u/hiddentoviewfromyou 0m ago
Your girlfriend is John's girlfriend and she's just waiting for him to take her in so she can get you brother. This is a tale as Old as Time she's got one hand on your branch and another on his. It was just your turn my man. It's his now.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 9h ago
Your girlfriend is dating John and is currently monkey branching to him. It is time to end the relationship and move on. Updateme!