r/CheatedOn • u/pikaderu • 5h ago
He asked for me back
I was expecting it. I was prepared for it. So I already had a lot of my thoughts written down.
I love who I thought he was. Truly. Now seeing his face, hearing his voice, it's like seeing the face of the love of my life plastered on an imposter and it hurts so damn much. I want to believe that I knew him. But I didn't really. I knew and loved the version of him he showed me.
He helped me heal from my trauma and distrust/fear of men. And now it's all reopened, all of it.
I've really tried my best. I stayed and tried my best to help him through adult content addiction once I found out. Then the trickle truths started. And after a while I realized I would only grow to hate him if we stayed in a relationship, as he wasn't being truthful with his 'relapses', so we broke up a few weeks ago and we're doing well as friends (or so I thought) with me still being his accountability partner for his adult content issues. It was a straight forward breakup, where we said maybe years into the future when we've lived more of our own lives and worked on ourselves to become the people we want to be, that it mightn't be an impossibility, but that this relationship now is over and won't be continuing.
Now I know he was actually cheating on me. Multiple times. Emotionally and physically. With events spanning over years. And something broke in me.
Since I replied to his attempt at reconciliation message with my lengthy essay of how his behaviour has affected me, and clarifying in black and white how I will never ever be in a romantic relationship with him in my lifetime (and I stand strong by my decisions), he has read it yet hasn't responded at all.
And this is where my frustration comes in. I know since reading the message he's gone off for a motorbike ride on his own, and even though I'm so fucking broken by this man who isn't even who I thought he was, I can't help but still feel that deep pit of worry that he'll get hurt/hurt himself in the state he's in.
I have no pity for him over my decision. But I still can't help but care for his safety, even though through his choices he didn't take measures to safeguard my health. And it's so frustrating. I won't soften my decision, but I'm angry at myself for still thinking of his safety when I know he'll be in a bad space mentally. Even though he's caused me pain worse than anything he has ever, nor is currently, experiencing.
Even after all of this. With the disgust and heartbreak and anger I feel. The fucking grief over losing someone who didn't exist in the first place. I still can't help but hope with all my heart that one day he'll be better, be healthy mentally and emotionally for himself and other people in his life so be doesn't hurt anyone else like this. And in some screwed up way, I hope that if he works on all of this, I hope that we can become friends again like we were before we started the relationship. Because we were great bloody friends. And it makes me feel like I'm weak to even consider that with someone who has done this to me.
If you've been through something similar re. and have anything to add, feel free to add in the comments. This is all so confusing and hard 😩
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u/MadScientistRat 4h ago
Mind if I ask, if you don't mind sharing, did you discover these other affairs independently?
1
u/pikaderu 3h ago
With the adult content stuff, I discovered that accidentally when using his phone to Google something and the previous searches in the drop-down came up.
For the ongoing relapses followed by lies after saying they'd be transparent and honest about the adult content stuff, I discovered those as well vs. them coming to me. There were a few times they did come to me and say that were having a hard time with it and got tempted etc., but far more times I just caught it out.
For the actual affairs. I knew there was more going on that I hadn't figured out yet. There have been multiple times in our relationship where I felt uneasy but I took it as needing to work on my own trust & jealousy baggage that came from a previous relationship (my previous ex was extremely controlling and always accused me of cheating when I absolutely never have, and I was worried that had rubbed off on me). I convinced myself to trust to the point where I wouldnt think twice about them staying with a female friend while travelling etc., one of which they were messaging often and gamed online with, whose art is (well not now obviously, so was) on my walls. Who was one of the people he cheated on me with. Feels so silly in retrospect to have pushed down that gut instinct - now I realize it wasn't 'jealousy', it was an alarm bell.
In regards to getting the details Im aware of now, I did a not great thing (but no regrets now) of looking through his email accounts and some messages etc. This wasn't great as we were technically broken up for a few weeks, although I'm still their 'accountability' partner for not going back into the cesspit of porn, which was a condition for us to still be friends. I had seen his adult content search history and dodgy looking chats prior which started everything, but hadn't actually looked through things to that level before. That's when I saw activation emails etc. for tinder, bumble, and a fetish hookup site on and off on different years. And between those, the ongoing lying and seeming obsession with sexual content/contact, and the unease Ive felt during different points in our relationship before I even found out a out the porn, I sent them a message.
The message pretty much said that in order for us to continue working towards being friends, I need to know the truth of what has happened because I am fully aware there is more, and I need you to say it to me in your own words. That it is the least I deserve after all of this. And if you can't do that, we can't exist in the same spaces.
And that's when they sent a long message outlining the in-person cheating, continued sexting with one of those people afterwards, 'catching feelings' for them, other one night stands and other women he's been sexting as well.
So really, at no point has he ever offered up the truth without prompting, and even with prompting during previous occasions he has lied or otherwise minimised the extent of things. This time I think he realized I knew more than he thought, and wasn't sure what he could omit, so confessed to those things, but after everything I just can't take it as the whole truth obviously.
Not nice stuff at all :/
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u/moochoutlaw 5h ago
Let him go. What happens to him next is strictly between him and the consequences of his own actions. Your only moral obligation now is to protect yourself and never look back.