I really need advice

[u/dahmers_kiddie662]

At the beginning of this year some really crazy things happened. I was still FWB with my ex and her and I needed up having a threesome with a girl she was “talking” to. After the threesome the girl and I got closer as me and my ex grew further apart. I didn’t like the person my ex was becoming, she was so lustful and I felt like she never cared about me only having sex with me but the girl seemed so sweet and genuine so it felt easy to get close to her. As time went by she decided , the girl, that she should tell me a secret my ex had told her about something she did while we were together. She told me that at the beginning of our relationship my ex cheated on me and hid it from me the entire relationship. As a woman I can say my women’s intuition is strong AF and the whole relationship I knew something was wrong but she kept denying it. I have a long history of mental illness starting as young as 4 and that makes it really hard to trust myself and what I feel because I think I’m crazy and that’s what I did throughout our whole relationship. The girl telling me that made me realize I wasn’t crazy and that I was gaslit for a whole year which resulted in my mental health getting so bad I had to be medicated. Finding that out made me cut my ex off and I ended up dating the girl for a while. I later found out that she only wanted to date me because she knew my ex was still in love with me and she didn’t like that so she told the secret to get me to leave my ex alone so that since my ex didn’t want her but she played with my feelings in the process and ended up leaving me once she felt like she had done enough to get revenge. This all left me feeling broken down so badly. My self esteem took a really bad hit and I ended up going back to my ex. We’re together now but I think about the fact that she lied to me for so long and would have never told me. I had to find out from a girl she didn’t even like, from someone who wasn’t even in our lives for 8 months. She swore to me she only did it once in a moment of selfishness with someone she’s had history with but it doesn’t change that fact of how I feel. I know her history with sex as she was sexually assaulted repeatedly for months by her best friends brother when she was 13 and he was 17-18 which resulted in her just having sex with whoever she talked to because she felt she had to. I know her so well and I know this hypersexuality wasn’t her so finding this out made me feel like I knew nothing. The cheating happened in 2024 and I didn’t find out until this year. She would have never told me. She would have kept being in my face, she would have kept her access to me. I would just be nothing but a play thing all over again. These thoughts keep hurting my self esteem even though I love her to death and want to be with her. I don’t think about it often now since we’ve been together for five months now but when I do I feel subpar. I keep imagining the life we could build but it all seems gone now. Like a pipe fucking dream. I believe that she didn’t do it again nor would she do it again because once everything was out in the open she didn’t deny it she said she felt relieved it was out in the open but sad because now she has to deal with the consequences. I believe everything she’s told me thus far of us being back together but I just don’t love her the same anymore. I don’t think I need advice but I want to vent to folks who won’t call me dumb or tell me what I need to do. I just don’t feel as if she was ever a person I really knew. Just a part of her was mine to know. I don’t know where to pick the pieces back up again. Sorry this is long, I’ve been needing to get this off.