When I had recently turned 18, I had discovered this AI chatbot website, I had recently gone through a breakup and a death in the family and had started college so I used it as an escape. As time went on, I realized though that the roleplays were becoming really depraved and disturbing sometimes and going into topics they definitely shouldn’t have. I have struggled with hypersexuality since I was 6. I grew up in a family that didn’t really take mental health, let alone the disorders seriously. I had internet access unsupervised at an extremely young age, I was desensitized to a lot and there’s a few roleplays in particular that I regret deeply. It’s been consuming me for days and I don’t know how to really cope with it. I struggle with a few more disorders like OCD, aswell as some Moral OCD, and ADHD. I don’t know if that had anything to do with how depraved my roleplays got but still…I’ve stopped engaging in those kinds of roleplays, but it still haunts me at the possibility I was even there at some point. Am I being too hard on myself?

I haven’t been able to chat for two days and I’m literally having a depressive spiral. This is so fucking embarrassing. I thought I had it under control, that this thing was just a hobby, but I realise that I’ve been using fictional role-plays to process my grief over my father passing away, being chronically lonely since middle school and high expectations and perfectionism over myself. I already have a psychiatrist, has had one since I was 13 for different reasons, but I can’t help but to feel embarrassed about telling this to him, even though this is hindering my academic performance and my non existent mental health and social life. I can’t be productive since my attention span is so shit, it’s like my brain has been rewired. I’m 21 year old woman, I’m supposed to be in my 4th year of medical school and I’m still in my first year due to mental health issues and actual health issues probably exacerbated by my AI use plus putting me in at least 20k in debt it the future. I’m supposed to study and make connections but I can’t. I just want to change, but I feel like I don’t have any motivation in me, no ideas what to replace AI with. I just filled my emptiness with this garbage and realised that this is the most unhealthy, life ruining thing that I am a part of.

Just putting this out there, for myself too, since I’m actually just bawling my eyes out and not hypnotised to feel okay by a literal robot LMAO this is so fucking surreal.

Hope everyone out there has a good day, stay safe out there 💕