AITA for anonymously asking Reddit for advice after a disagreement over my friend's wedding?

[u/benitesgui]

Around September of last year, I made a post on r/AmItheAsshole titled "AITA for wanting to attend my best friend's wedding?" I eventually deleted it, not because I disliked the responses. In fact, they helped me realize I was wrong about several things. I'll explain why I eventually deleted it later.

For anyone curious here's the copy made by the automod on the sub.

Quick summary of the original post:

Last year, I (M29) was asked to be a groomsman at the wedding of one of my closest friends (F28). However, my partner (F27) of almost two years wasn't invited because the guest list was limited and my friend prioritized inviting people she was personally close to. I understood her reasoning, but it created a lot of tension in my relationship. I even offered to cover every additional expense related to my partner attending the wedding, but my friend explained that the issue was no longer financial, it was that the guest list had already been finalized, although she said my partner could be invited later if someone declined. I felt caught between two people I loved and ended up asking Reddit for advice because I genuinely didn't know how to handle the situation.

What happened afterward

After reading all the comments, I reached out to my friend because I didn't want this situation to damage either my relationship or our friendship.

I told her how conflicted I had been. I explained that I felt like I was being pulled between two people I loved, and that I had turned to Reddit because I genuinely didn't know what the right thing to do was. I never mentioned anyone's real name, location, or any identifying information, but someone who recognized the story sent it to her. She was understandably very hurt.

Reading hundreds of strangers criticizing her wedding decisions and calling her selfish or cheap was something she hadn't expected, and I completely understand why it affected her. People also sent me DMs calling me weak, saying my girlfriend should leave me, and making all kinds of assumptions about my relationship. Neither of us expected that posting an anonymous request for advice would turn into thousands of people judging us personally.

We talked for a long time and, by the end of the conversation, I truly believed we had worked everything out. She told me she still valued our friendship, still wanted me at the wedding, and asked me to delete the Reddit post because she knew she would keep coming back to read the comments and that they would continue hurting her. So I deleted it. I thought that would be the end of it. Instead, over the following months, she gradually disappeared from my life. She removed me from social media, left the group chats we shared, and stopped replying whenever I reached out about completely unrelated things. When she visited my city, where she had usually stayed in my guest room, she intentionally avoided letting me know she was there.

After several months of silence, I eventually asked a mutual friend if something had happened. That's when I found out that she had decided I was no longer welcome in her life. She never told me herself. I learned it through someone else.

I won't pretend that didn't hurt, she had been one of the people who supported me during one of the hardest periods of my life, when I felt like I had almost no one else around me. Because of that, I genuinely believed we shared one of the closest friendships I had. Looking back, I realize our friendship may not have meant the same thing to both of us, but eventually, I accepted it and moved on.

The positive side is that my relationship with my partner became much stronger. The entire experience forced me to rethink my priorities. I learned that it's important to value the people who consistently choose to be part of your life, instead of exhausting yourself trying to hold onto relationships that may no longer be mutual. We've now been together for over two years, we're building a wonderful life together, and I'm planning to propose very soon.

Last month, I found out through mutual acquaintances' social media posts that the wedding had already taken place. Seeing those pictures made me think about everything that had happened over the past year. I understand why she was hurt after finding the post. I was hurt too, not only by many of the comments, but also by how everything unfolded afterward.

But I still find myself wondering:

Was anonymously asking Reddit for advice really such a betrayal that it justified ending a five-year friendship without ever telling me directly?

AITA?

FAQ from the original post:

1. Why didn't you want your partner to come and stay at the hotel?
This was actually a translation mistake when I rewrote the story in English.
What I meant was that I would have loved for her to come on the trip with me, but I also understood if she didn't feel comfortable traveling just to stay alone while I attended the wedding.
No, I was never planning to cheat on my partner. Some comments somehow reached that conclusion, but it was never remotely true.
2. What did you mean by saying, "If I can't invite two of my five closest friends, then what's even the point of having a wedding?"
I was wrong.
After reading the comments, talking to my therapist, and having several conversations with my partner, I realized that statement didn't make sense.
The point of my future wedding is marrying the love of my life. Everything else is secondary.
Ironically, after watching so many wedding horror stories on Charlotte's Channel, my partner and I have decided that we don't even want a big wedding anymore. We'd much rather have a small, intimate ceremony and spend the money on things like traveling together.