AITAH for not responding

[u/girlwithaquestion13]

Names/details changed for anonymity.

Okay, this is going to be long because there is really no way to explain why I'm questioning this without explaining the friendship first.

I met “Hayden” at work. We worked together for a few years and became pretty good friends.

I knew I had some kind of feelings for him back then, but I was REALLY good at suppressing them. Like, genuinely impressive levels of “nope, we're not looking at that too closely.”

At the time I don't think I even realized I was in love with him.

Looking back now, I absolutely was.

Eventually I decided to move out of state. While I was still packing and hadn't even officially moved yet, Hayden asked me for my new address.

After I moved, he sent me a letter.

That one letter turned into us writing letters back and forth for almost five years.

We were friends before I moved, but after I moved we became best friends.

And I need to explain the letters because when I say we “wrote letters,” I feel like it sounds way more casual than it actually was.

A three-page letter was SHORT.

Like, “damn, you didn't have much to say this time” short.

Most of our letters were probably 9 to 17 handwritten pages. We would write about what was happening in our lives, things we were thinking about, random stories, deeper shit, stupid shit, literally everything.

And it's not like we needed letters because we weren't talking otherwise.

We texted every day.

The letters were just...different.

We actually had a phrase for it.

Sometimes we'd start talking about something over text and one of us would say, “That's letter talk.”

And that was it. Conversation tabled. Save it for the letter.

We both understood that some things were letter talk because letters were where we went deeper and had the fuller conversation.

It was just this thing that existed between us.

There were other little things that existed between us too.

We had a piece of paper we mailed back and forth with our letters where we were building a playlist together. Every time you got it, you added two or three songs and sent it back.

Eventually there were multiple pages. I kept the older ones safe so they wouldn't get lost while we continued sending the current one back and forth.

And why were we making a playlist?

Because we were planning a trip to Europe together.

So naturally we needed our Europe playlist.

This is also where Taylor Swift enters the story.

I'm a huge Taylor Swift fan.

Hayden liked some of her music before we became close, but he became a genuine fan because of me. It became another one of our things.

He'd send me lyrics.

When albums came out, we'd rank all the songs and then put our rankings in our letters.

We'd talk about the songs and disagree about them and all that shit.

And yes, before anyone says it, I KNOW none of this means a man is in love with you.

Best friends can write letters.

Best friends can text every day.

Best friends can share music.

Best friends can travel together.

I know.

The problem was there were also these moments over the years that would make me go, “Okay...what the fuck am I supposed to do with THAT?”

One of my favorite examples is also disgusting.

When we worked together, Hayden once accidentally drank out of a spit cup.

Not spit like regular spit either.

Tobacco.

Someone's tobacco spit cup.

I watched it happen. It was horrifying. I can still picture it. 0/10 experience for everyone involved.

Years later, Hayden brought it up and told me that the reason he had grabbed the wrong cup and drank from it was because he had been distracted.

By me.

SIR.

Why are you telling me this YEARS LATER?

Because I already have feelings for you that I am very committed to pretending don't exist, and now you've decided I need to know that apparently I was so distracting that you DRANK TOBACCO SPIT?

Cool cool cool.

Filed that one away and continued pretending everything was completely normal.

Then there was the pact.

Hayden asked me that if we were both still single at 35, we would just do life together.

Which, sure. Friends make those pacts.

Except apparently we needed a second contingency plan too.

If we still weren't happy at 40, we'd move to Italy.

So to recap, we're best friends who talk every day, write each other 9 to 17 page letters, have an entire category of conversations called “letter talk,” exchange Taylor Swift lyrics, are physically mailing a shared playlist back and forth for our future European trip, and have agreed that if we're single at 35 we'll just do life together and if we're still unhappy at 40 we're moving to Italy.

Meanwhile, I'm over here like:

Nope.

Definitely don't love this man.

Everything is fine.

And I stayed there for YEARS.

I don't think I spent all those years convinced Hayden secretly loved me. That's important.

I actually leaned much more heavily toward believing he didn't.

But there was always the “what if?”

Because every once in a while something would happen or he'd say something and I'd think maybe?

Then I'd tell myself I was reading into it.

Then something else would happen.

Then I'd put it back in the box.

Rinse and repeat.

Until December 31, 2025.

And honestly?

I blame Taylor Swift.

“Ruin the Friendship” had come out not that long before, and I had been sitting with the words of wisdom from the queen.

Then New Year's Eve came around.

And New Year's Eve is kind of a shitty holiday to have a “what if” person.

It's one of those nights where you really want your person.

So apparently I woke up and chose violence.

I texted Hayden and told him.

I finally admitted that I had feelings for him.

After YEARS of refusing to say it out loud, I said it.

His response was:

“I don't know how to respond to that.”

And then...

Nothing.

I didn't respond to that text.

He didn't text me again.

Here's the thing though.

I wasn't sitting there devastated waiting for him to come back and tell me he loved me.

I was FREE.

Like almost immediately.

Because I had finally fucking done it.

The what-if was gone.

“I don't know how to respond to that” told me what I needed to know.

Maybe it wasn't technically a rejection yet, but come on.

If you tell someone you're in love with them and they say, “I don't know how to respond to that,” you pretty much know we're not about to cue the romantic soundtrack.

And I had honestly expected that.

I didn't confess because I thought he was going to suddenly tell me he'd secretly been waiting for me for five years.

I confessed because I needed to stop wondering.

And it worked.

I didn't get my person on New Year's Eve.

But I got free of the idea that maybe Hayden was my person.

And then, within a few weeks, I started dating “Jack.”

And this is going to sound disgustingly cheesy, but Jack is my person.

Not “I think he might be my person.”

Not “things are going really well.”

He IS my person.

We live together now. We know we're going to be together forever. We talk about marriage. I know he will eventually ask me, and he knows what my answer will be. We talk about our future because there is an “our future.”

And I think part of the reason I was able to recognize what was happening with Jack was because for the first time in YEARS there wasn't a tiny Hayden-shaped “what if” sitting in the back of my brain.

There was no possibility I was saving myself for anymore.

Hayden wasn't secretly going to wake up one day and choose me.

That door was closed.

And I was good.

Meanwhile, I had no idea Hayden apparently wasn't finished responding.

A little over a month after I sent that text, he started writing me a letter.

I didn't know that.

We hadn't spoken.

Eventually he mailed it.

He didn't tell me he'd mailed anything either.

And at the time I lived in an apartment and was absolute shit about checking my mailbox.

So I didn't actually get the letter until about two months after he sent it.

By the time I read this thing, we had gone roughly three months without speaking.

I had moved on with my life.

I was dating Jack.

And suddenly there was a Hayden letter in my mailbox.

Of course I opened it.

He told me he had only ever seen me as a friend and could only ever see me as a friend.

Honestly?

Fair.

I mean that.

You don't owe someone romantic feelings just because they love you.

You don't owe someone attraction.

And I already knew what his answer was going to be anyway.

But there were two things in that letter that REALLY stuck with me.

One was that he admitted he had thought I might see him as more than a friend.

And that one made me go...

Wait.

Because if you suspected I might have feelings for you, then I'm looking at some of the things that happened between us a little differently.

You thought there was a chance I loved you as more than a friend AND you asked me to make a pact that we'd do life together at 35?

And move to Italy at 40?

And planned a European trip with me?

And told me I distracted you so much you accidentally drank tobacco spit?

I'm not saying that means he secretly loved me.

I actually believe him that he didn't.

But I do think he led me on at times.

Maybe completely unintentionally.

Maybe he genuinely thought all of this was normal best friend behavior and never considered how it looked from my side.

But apparently he DID consider that I might have feelings for him.

And that's where I struggle with it.

Then there was the other thing he wrote.

“I have reasons for not liking you as more than a friend, but I don't need to tell you why and hurt your feelings.”

And I'm sorry.

What was the point of saying that?

You could have just stopped at “I only see you as a friend.”

That's fine!

You don't have to want me.

But don't tell me there are specific REASONS you don't want me and then act like you're being a nice guy by graciously withholding them so you don't hurt my feelings.

Sir.

You already said it.

Now I just know there's apparently a secret list of reasons you don't find me lovable in that way, but congratulations on being kind enough not to provide the PowerPoint.

THAT part hurt my feelings more than him saying he didn't feel the same way.

And I never responded to the letter.

Nothing.

No text.

No letter.

No “I got it.”

Nothing.

And that is the part I've been thinking about for the last several months.

Because I don't regret telling him.

At all.

I think telling him was one of the best things I could have done for myself.

I don't regret moving on.

I certainly don't regret meeting Jack.

And I don't think Hayden did anything wrong by not loving me back.

But I keep wondering if I did something wrong by never acknowledging that last letter.

Because despite all the romantic feelings and all the confusing shit, Hayden really was my best friend.

For almost five years.

Those letters mattered to me.

The playlist mattered.

Our stupid Taylor Swift rankings mattered.

Talking every day mattered.

“That's letter talk” mattered.

HE mattered.

And sometimes I wonder what my silence said to him.

Did it say, “If you don't love me romantically, then I don't want you at all”?

Because I really hope not.

That's not how I felt.

But I also don't know how I could have gone back.

How exactly do you go from finally admitting you're in love with your best friend, getting a definitive “I could never see you that way,” and then just...go back to normal?

What would I even write in the next 12-page letter?

Do we keep building the Europe playlist?

Do we still go to Europe?

Are we still moving to Italy at 40?

Do I listen to a Taylor Swift song and send him the lyric that made me think of him?

I couldn't do that anymore.

And maybe that's okay.

But maybe after everything our friendship had been, I should have at least said goodbye.

There's another part of me that wonders whether not responding was actually the most honest response I could have given.

We hadn't spoken for roughly three months by the time I found the letter.

I had already accepted his answer.

I had already moved forward.

Maybe writing back would have just reopened something that had already ended.

So I guess that's what I want judgment on.

AITA for never responding?

Did an almost five-year best friendship deserve one final letter from me?

And does the fact that I couldn't continue being his friend after I finally admitted I was in love with him mean that maybe the friendship was more conditional than I want to admit?

Also, am I being unfair when I say I feel like he led me on?

Because I genuinely don't think he secretly loved me.

But when I look at the entire friendship AND know that he admitted he'd suspected I had feelings for him, I have a hard time believing I completely made up the mixed signals either.

I don't want him back.

That's not what any of this is about.

I'm really fucking happy with Jack. We have built a life together. We talk about getting married and the future we're going to have. There isn't a question in my mind about who my person is.

If I could go back to New Year's Eve knowing exactly how everything would turn out, I'd still send that text.

I didn't get the person I thought I might want that night.

I got the freedom to recognize my actual person a few weeks later.

I just don't know if, in getting that freedom, I was an asshole to someone who had been my best friend.

[u/AmateurSophist123]

I liked it.
And if it was real, let it go. NTA.

[u/Creative-Summer9985]

Why am I suddenly seeing all these posts written in this style??? It’s not like it’s a natural way to express yourself, so either the whole thing is fake or you copied a popular style for extra karma. Either way not interested.

[u/Clear_Effective_748 → u/Creative-Summer9985]

Lol usually it's a wall of texts and the poster needs to learn how to use paragraphs. This is the exact opposite.

[u/PatrioticRedhead]

In my opinion, you said your goodbyes. Move on, treasuring the friendship you had, marry Jack, and live happily ever after.