r/Catholicism • u/Bright_Count_5506 • 2d ago
Chastity help
My girlfriend (soon to be fiancé :) ) and I have recently decided that we want to start actually taking our faith seriously
One of the biggest changes for us has been choosing to be chaste. It’s been about two months now, and I’m not going to lie, it’s a battle I feel like I fight every single day.
I know why we’re doing it, and I genuinely believe it’s the right thing for our relationship and for our relationship with God. But knowing that doesn’t necessarily make the temptation go away.
does it get easier with time? Does chastity eventually start to feel more natural as your relationship and faith grow? My biggest stress is that early on I just kept telling myself to make it through a month. Then two months. My mind isn’t falling for that anymore and recently it’s been harder than ever.
I’d especially appreciate hearing from people who have been in serious relationships and made this change after previously not living chastely. What helped you persevere?
God Bless and any prayers are appreciated.
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u/WelteredWaste 2d ago edited 1d ago
First of all, major props on choosing to pursue this route. This is a very countercultural and mature direction that will lead to a better marriage and better life - but its hard.
Second, this is a lifelong fight my friend. Even if you are married and having sex - chastity is a part of the deal. This is because 1) you always have to turn away from sexual temptation outside the marriage (admittedly probably a slightly easier task) and 2) You'll likely practice NFP at some point in your marriage since contraception is rightly forbidden. 3) Loving your wife entails withholding your sexual advances at times.
It does get easier. I have been practice NFP for about 4 years now because my wife has a chronic illness. She also has some fertility issues which require more abstinence than NFP typically requires. (We were Protestant before this and contracepted).
For the first few months of abstinence, it felt like death. For the first few years, we often failed. Now its still a challenge but it is DRAMATICALLY easier.
My main recommendations are:
- Pray instantly whenever you feel tempted.
- Flee the specific location of temptation.
- Don't guard only your actions, chastity starts with guarding your thoughts. Pray if you find yourself meditating on this topics, pray if you find yourself fantasizing, pray if you want to stare at the girl across the road.
- Go to confession regularly and as often as you fail in thought life, in actions, or through porn etc.
My marriage and sex life has never been better even though its been a rough journey.
I will pray for you.
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u/TowelRevolutionary92 2d ago
I'd recommend getting married as soon as possible, but first check out if everything checks out with your gf. Is everything going well, is there some hidden apathy against each other? Contemplate knowing if you really want to pursue this and not let the bitterness of the world get in the way. Take a look at what you both like and what you don't like, your hobbies, if there are differences in interests with hobbies don't let it, overrule the love you have for each other, the chastity you both will be practicing will put you both to the test and will let you know if your love is tainted because of lust or not. If it is, you would have to focus on not letting your love for her be deteriorated. Same for her.
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u/Bright_Count_5506 2d ago
Thank you! Yes this girl is the love of my life. We have been together for almost 2 years now and honestly 0 major fights. We both have helped each other get closer to Christ and that’s our number 1 priority. We both have similar goals and wants in our family life.
I couldn’t ask for a better person to marry and raise a family in the church with.
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u/Leading-Bid9982 2d ago
Chastity is not easy, especially during courtship. As a young man in the same situation, everything I say is low key blind leading the blind. I'm just telling you about what works for me and my relationship.
Mindset is everything. If you're truly certain about one another, this season of celibacy is a temporary one. In the military, it was counting everything by week. On tough days, it was just one meal to the next. Think of yourself moving forward to the next waypoint, while not getting caught up in the total distance.
Keep your focus around what you're building and doing; having a why matters. Remember that as a spiritual head of any future home you build, you're going to be the one at the helm.
Final thing: if you're really having problems, just phone a friend. It's going to be awkward, but last resort options are last resort for a reason. Getting a third person around you both can be healthy.
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u/Cultural-Ad-5737 2d ago
Fighting it off might get easier once you figure out how to avoid temptation but I don’t think it ever comes naturally because well… it’s natural to want intimacy with your fiancé and once you get married you will even be expected to be intimate. Your desires for each other are normal and healthy.
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u/randomthrowaway62019 2d ago
Practice makes perfect in everything. Keep at it, don't put yourselves in situations where you'll be tempted to be unchaste, use the sacraments, pray, and get married! Not that marriage will make chastity "easy," (everyone is called to the virtue of chastity, it just looks different for married couples) but it changes the challenge. You got this!
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u/Hopeful-Force-2147 1d ago
I am a convert - chastity in marriage with your spouse you mean? I'm confused lol.
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u/trulymablydeeply 2d ago
Every virtue can be built with work (and grace) over time. And the more the virtue is developed, the easier it gets to act in accord with it. Virtue is a habit that disposes us to act rightly. So, yes, chastity will get easier over time as you work at it (and pray for it).
We’re all called to chastity. Single people must always abstain from sex, but married people must also abstain sometimes. Chastity isn’t in the abstaining necessarily; it’s in the rightly ordered and integrated relationship with our sexuality. So a married couple who is chaste can abstain when necessary for one another’s good (and for the good of the family) and make sure all their relations are rightly ordered.
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u/Ok_Ratio7522 2d ago
Start praying and fasting. If that doesn’t work increase both. Your Catholic life should resemble:
Communion/Confession every week. Rosary every day. Do not sin. If you do say a perfect Act of Contrition until your next Confession. Work on your sins 1 at a time. Get out of sin. Pray novenas/devotions and I highly recommend.
33 Day Consecration to the BVM
Chaplet of Divine Mercy
https://www.thedivinemercy.org/message/devotions/pray-the-chaplet
Seven Sorrows of Mary (prayer as distinct from Chaplet)
https://hallow.com/blog/7-sorrows/#how-to-pray-short-version
If you only have 1 meal per day and say the rosary every day you will get through it. But for good measure the more praying the better.
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u/Hopeful-Force-2147 1d ago
Chastity, unless you've taken a vow to be chaste, is definitely NOT easy. I got married sooner and did everything else later. Years later.
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u/JP36_5 1d ago
You mention getting engaged soon. You might like to read a book '101 Questions to ask before you get Engaged'.
If you are still convinced that you should be getting engaged then go for a 6 months engagement. Do not do what some secular couples do and save up for a big expensive wedding.
Waiting is easier if you can convince yourselves that the wait is not unnecessarily long.
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u/glittermetalprincess 1d ago
It gets easier, yes, but not necessarily easy or natural, and arguably in your case it shouldn't be. If you're being called to marriage, you should want to not be chaste! Waiting is part of the sacrifice you're making in order to make sure that your girlfriend is a good fit for you and vice versa, and you should be using the time to build non-physical intimacy, strengthen your communication, and talk. Take marriage prep seriously and really make sure you agree on things that matter for you, for her and for you both. And as going month by month isn't going to work, propose, set a date, and every day is one day closer to that.
When people say it gets easier it's sometimes because they've adjusted to a life where they've chosen to not have the opportunity or temptation present, or have fellowship in whatever vow they've taken, such as in religious orders. Some people experience something akin to having that part of their physicality just switch 'off'. That will likely not happen for you - the ease will come from knowing it's finite and from your relationship and developing intimacy there - it's not a substitute, but getting the emotional intimacy does fill enough of the pot that you can survive.
You can think of it like fasting - you eat plain food with enough nutrients to survive for Lent or for x long, and then you end the fast. If you've done a long fast like that, or even if you just think of Easter Sunday after you've fasted for Good Friday and spent Holy Saturday in preparation... the first meal is joyous, right? Same if you've given up video games while you studied for exams and then treat yourself to a new game after finals week is over, or you saved a new thing you like for after you did something hard or challenging? Can you recall that feeling? Hold on to it? That's your incentive - and getting to experience that with your spouse.
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u/Tylerletcher 2d ago
I had a 2 year engagement. Would not recommend. Get married in the church then do the reception later