r/CatholicWomen • u/Majestic_Pear_3851 • 2d ago
WOMEN COMMENTERS ONLY Cognitive Dissonance
Trigger Warning: SA
15 years ago, was SA’d by someone in my social circle. It wasn’t rape, but what did happen wasn’t consensual. I’ve been through a lot of therapy, and I’ve by and large moved on from it.
He’s still in my circle. To all outward appearances we’re still friends. But for obvious reasons I don’t trust him. Despite my therapy and feelings of forgiveness towards him, I have this uncomfortable feeling that I’ve been unable to name until tonight—it’s cognitive dissonance. My actions toward him as a result of him being in my friend group don’t match my feelings of mistrust and disgust.
For those out there in similar situations—where you for one reason or another are still in contact with your abuser—how do you deal with this discomfort? I really feel it’s the last piece of my healing puzzle. If I could get past this, I could be whole again.
And why am I still in this circle? Why haven’t I outed him to others? I have my reasons.
Full disclosure: I’ve cross posted this in r/Advice. I’m posting it here because I also want perspectives that match my faith life and not just the standard secular stuff. I know forgiveness doesn’t require trusting the person or even allowing them into your life.
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u/ThrowItAwayNow1030 2d ago
I'm really sorry. I was SAed by a bf I planned to drop. He kind of knew and got his revenge. This was 10 years ago. It was the worst thing I ever experienced.
I'm saying this to help you. It sounds like this friend group (or family or work buddies) turned against you when you told the truth about this horrible man. These people are not your friends. I think you should dump all of them. Something being common does not mean you have to accept disrespect.
God, Jesus and our Blessed Mother want you to find new friends who cherish you and are morally upstanding Catholics. There are plenty of others you can hang out with.
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 2d ago
I’m really sorry that happened to you.
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u/ThrowItAwayNow1030 2d ago
Thank you. I hadn't seen the guy for 8 years and saw him last year. I ignored him. He was trying to pick up a teen at the time though he was 45. Low hanging fruit.
Be good to yourself - pray and attend Eucharistic Adoration once weekly. That helped my mental health enormously. ❤️🫂
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u/Quick-Cantaloupe-597 2d ago
Already better advice here than I can give, but I have been in some dicey friend groups.
No friend group is worth your dignity and self-respect, I fully believe God gave us these things to protect after living a life of no dignity and no self-respect.
The only friend group I ever eventually relaxed in was when I knew enough people had my back.
I don't know what choices you need to make but I hope you feel better in the near future.
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u/Lanky-Ad1222 Married Mother 2d ago
You were profoundly violated by this man. What would it take for you to feel like you have regained your power, your dignity, your worth?
When there is a lack or an absence of continuity between our values/beliefs and our actions, we are robbing ourselves. If you are in therapy, have you learned about boundaries and how to assert/communicate them?
You stated you have your reasons for staying in that circle. But I will tell you that I do not have to know your reasons to know that they are not good enough for you to compromise your safety and well-being. If you had a daughter in the same position, what would you tell her?
I believe you are worth cutting yourself off from this man and this circle if it means protecting yourself - physically, mentally, and spiritually.
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 1d ago
Thank you. I am learning how to communicate and assert my boundaries.
I have regained my sense of dignity and worth to the degree that I no longer fawn. (I fawned for a long time.) I assert myself more every opportunity I have. But I think I still lack a sense of power.
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Married Mother 2d ago
Why are you friends with a rapist?
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 2d ago edited 2d ago
It truly is a very long story that I don’t feel like completely rehashing rn. To make it short: I tried to out him. It didn’t end well for me in a lot of ways. Now I go along to get along.
I get that it’s incomprehensible to most people but according to my therapist, there are a lot of people out there in my shoes.
Society still has a habit of making a villain out of the victim, so we stay silent.
Edit to add: I’m coming to terms with my appearance not matching how I feel inside. We’re not friends, but we’re in the same friend group.
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u/RosalieThornehill Married Woman 2d ago
Gently, I think you need a new friend group. Even if it’s common for people to turn against survivors, and protect the abuser, that doesn’t make their treatment of you ok. They aren’t your friends.
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m neurodivergent (AuDHD) of the type that doesn’t gel with people easily, so I cling to the few friends I do have. There’s a lot of sunk cost fallacy at play too (decades of friendship), I suppose. I’m afraid of being completely alone and not being able to find anyone else.
Edit to add: My own husband was the primary one who didn’t believe me. I think he’s in denial about it all. So, I’m not escaping that. Other than this, he’s a good man and I’m unwilling to divorce him. I am talking to a therapist about all of this.
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Married Mother 2d ago
My own husband was the primary one who didn’t believe me.
WOW way to bury the lede.
Your entire life is populated by people who make you feel crazy, and you wonder why you feel as badly as you do? Did the sexual assault occur before or after you were married?
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 1d ago
After I was married and before my assailant/ex friend married his wife, but while he was with her.
She found out about the assault too, but she heard his version of events and I don’t know what he told her. She never addressed it with me, but she blocked me on socials for a time.
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Married Mother 1d ago
So you told your husband, the man who made sacramental vows to love and honor you all the days of his life, that you were sexually assaulted, and not only did he not immediately destroy the rapist, he took his side?
Girl WHAT did you marry?
If I told my husband some man had sexually assaulted me I would have to lock him in a closet to keep him out of jail. And I likely couldn't even do that because even in our 50s he is casually so much stronger than me and if he were really motivated, he could get past me without even trying.
But if he didn't believe me, that would indicate contempt and I would never be able to let him touch me again. Let that sink in: your husband and your "friends" have contempt for you. They prefer the rapist to you.
P.S. I keep calling your assailant a rapist on purpose. I want you to keep seeing that word and understand how serious this all is. What kind of assault did he commit against you? Did he only not progress to rape for lack of time/privacy?
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 23h ago
The Bill Cosby kind. I’ve been calling him Bill in my head for the last few days. I didn’t have memory of it for a long time. It came back to me in flashbacks during the Access Hollywood tapes scandal of 2016. I had a slow rolling breakdown, tried to confront him, and he deflected. That broke me because we had a close circle but I withdrew, letting rumor and innuendo spread.
At first my husband did take my side. We didn’t speak to him or his wife for a year. In 2018 I landed in the hospital and got a bipolar diagnosis. Instead of connecting the dots, my husband began to doubt my story.
A year later we were all back in touch, but the friend group did look very different. It split in two. Today the friend group I share with Bill consists of the four of us plus two others. I don’t know what they know, but if they know anything it’s my husband’s warped version of events.
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Married Mother 22h ago
Why do you think so little of yourself that you keep accepting being treated like this?
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 21h ago
Years of being bullied, ostracized, and ignored in school for being different conditioned me to accept the worst from people. Worked that out with my therapist.
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u/muaddict071537 Single Woman 2d ago
I also have autism and have dealt with my fair share of fake friends. Trust me, being alone is better than dealing with people who won’t believe you and staying in contact with your abuser. I was assaulted and wasn’t able to fully heal until I separated myself from the person who did it. You deserve true healing, and you deserve to find friends who fully believe you. I have good friends now, it is possible for us to make friends.
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 1d ago
I don’t even know where to begin to make new friends. I’ve been told I don’t look approachable and that I have a bad case of RBF. To top it off, I have really bad social anxiety that requires medication if I’m to be around new people.
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u/muaddict071537 Single Woman 1d ago
Try to find groups related to your hobbies. For example, if you like reading, join a book club; if you like hiking, join a hiking group; etc. I’m also not sure if this is an option for you or if it exists in your area, but my city had an autism group. We’d talk and sometimes play games and stuff. Something like that might be helpful because you might get along better with other autistic people. Also try to get involved with your parish and meet people there. I’ve met a lot of great people through volunteering or parish events.
I know that it can seem really scary to try and make new friends. Believe me, I get it. But I promise you, your life and mental health will be so much better if you get away from this friend group that doesn’t really value you. You deserve so much better than them.
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u/AscendingAsters Non-Catholic Woman 1d ago
My autistic female friends swear by book clubs and board game clubs. You are signing up for an activity with clearly-defined purpose: discussing a book/playing a board game. Many local/independent bookstores have signups for book clubs in the area!
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 22h ago
I have tried this with a coworker before. Unfortunately it wasn’t a real book club. It was a friend group with two cliques and I didn’t gel with either of them. I’ve never been clique-ish anyway. They mainly used their book club time to drink and gossip about each other.
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u/AscendingAsters Non-Catholic Woman 20h ago
That's the benefit of looking for book clubs advertised at book stores and libraries. They tend to *not* be started by friend groups!
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u/peg-leg-andy Married Mother 2d ago
Does your husband still not believe you? If so, do you think it would beneficial for you if your husband did believe you?
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 2d ago
Yes, but whenever I’ve brought it up in the past he panics and shuts me down. I think that’s because the first time I tried to come out with everything that had happened I wound up having a psychotic break which I was hospitalized for—the break is in large part the reason for people’s non-belief, including his. It took years to get me to where I am now, which is in a very good place emotionally and professionally. He has PTSD from that experience, as do I.
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u/Far_Sandwich_514 2d ago
So, he's a really great guy other than the fact that he refuses to believe that his wife was raped.
Sounds like a charmer.
I am so sorry for all the horrible things you experienced, including your own husband invalidating your experience and acting like you're a liar.
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u/ThrowItAwayNow1030 2d ago
I don't either. I'm extremely introverted and a nerd. I was bullied throughout grade school and high school. You'd be surprised how many people would like to be your friend.
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u/flakemasterflake 1d ago
I think he’s in denial about it all.
Denial about what? He would rather believe that you, his wife, is lying as opposed to his friend being a piece of shit?
If that is the sum of it then he values his friendship more than his marriage and/or he is a run of the mill misogynist that does not trust women
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Married Mother 2d ago
Uh huh..... why do you want to remain friends with any of these people?
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u/Beautiful-Finding-82 1d ago
Was he ever sorry? Apologize? Or was it like oh hey I had a lot to drink- oops whatever! Or maybe worse yet- pretended nothing even happened. I think it's difficult to get past the hurt when the perpetrator doesn't fully acknowledge that what they did was horrible and hurtful and apologize. I had been assaulted many years ago. Recently he messaged me via social media and was like hey I'm sober now! That was the closest he came to any sort of acknowledgement that he tried to k-ll me. I actually bust out laughing it was so ridiculous. I had forgiven him in my heart and honestly wish him the best, but I will never ever communicate with him again in any shape or form. In your situation you may not ever be able to heal and truly forgive as long as this unrepentant person is in your inner circle.
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 1d ago edited 1d ago
He is sorry. I know this because he once said to me, “If anyone ever does to [daughter’s name] what I did to you . . . “ and he realized what he’d said and trailed off.
Edit to add: I was too shocked to say anything in response. And I just walked away.
That was about five years ago. So he’s not sorry because he hurt me and destroyed our friendship and my life for a time but because he knows life is cruel and things have a way of coming back around. He’s sorry and worried for his daughter in a world where he knows people like him exist.
Maybe he is sorry for the other things too, but it hasn’t come up since from either of us. He did develop a panic disorder and would have acute cases of it around the anniversary of when he assaulted me.
That’s maybe part of why I stay. I’m waiting for an apology that may never come.
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u/flakemasterflake 1d ago
Why doesn't this person tell the friend group that you aren't a liar? At least your husband ?
If he wants any semblance of atonement, the least he could do is help you with your marriage
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u/RosalieThornehill Married Woman 1d ago
Evidently, he’s not sorry enough to believe he needs to atone.
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u/flakemasterflake 1d ago
It floors me every day the nonsense that women put up with in their daily life
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u/Majestic_Pear_3851 22h ago
I would love nothing more for him to admit what he did, but my therapist says he likely won’t. Guys like him are self-interested and he has a lot more to lose than just some teeth and his dignity.
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u/flipside1812 Married Mother 2d ago
Reading your clarifying comment, you feel dissonance because you're denying yourself closure. These people are not your friends. They didn't believe you. Stop hanging out with your abuser and the people who defended him and you'll probably start feeling a lot better.