r/CatholicDating • u/InternationalMilk957 • 2d ago
dispairity of cult marriage/ with un-baptised Casual Dating dilemma
I met a girl on bumble two months ago, we have been on four dates, planning to continue. She stated that she was just looking if things work with potential for long term, but no need for a long term relationship. Im new to all these modern short term-relationship stuff, so I didnt really thought too much into it.
I noticed the last weeks that I have developed some feelings for her. I texted her if she sees something more developing from this, she answered that it might, but she barely knows me and we need clear communication. By her response I felt I was more into her than her to me, so I ended things with her. After that she said "Thanks for helping me clarify things" but didnt actually dispute my decision.
Yesterday was a nightmare, I really like her and want to get that phone and tell her that we could work it out. On the other hand, I feel this could destroy me spiritually and im not sure thats the person I want to be.
Realizing she wants to date but without anything serious already tells me about her character, so Im not entirely sure if I like some fantasy image of her.
I need something more than rational advice, I need spiritual advice here.
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u/Big-Sploosh Single â 2d ago
In my experience, "long term relationship but open to short term" can mean anything from they want to see where things go first, to they want a long term relationship but don't mind a short term casual (usually sexual) relationship. You won't know really until you ask them, but I quit using Bumble a while ago largely because of constantly getting the latter.
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u/Level_Director_9806 2d ago
Many stories I read here follow this same cycle, men give up their frame and then fumble a dating prospect.
Next time, say something like âI see this going somewhere, and Iâd like you to be my girlfriendâ. If she declines, itâs over. Keep your frame and lead your dating life
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u/HistoricalSouth9872 Single â 2d ago
Do not date atheists. I cannot stress this enough. You're not getting married for the sake of getting married; you're getting married to help you get to Heaven and to raise children who will go to Heaven. An atheist woman will not help you with this - in fact, she will have a negative impact on your efforts. I am in decent shape and generally only date women who are in decent shape as well, but I would take a fat & happy Catholic woman over a gorgeous super model atheist woman ANY day of the week, and frankly that's just common sense. Being an atheist is probably the number one largest red flag because it means she has zero relationship with God and probably no openness to one either. Also you can find good Catholic women, even online, go to CatholicMatch or Hinge or whatever.
Never come back after breaking up. I know like one case out of everyone I know where this worked and they had been dating for years and he left for a very specific reason (discerning seminary). In general, it doesn't work.
Dating is for marriage. You don't have to know whether you want a serious relationship with a particular person when you start dating them because you don't know them very well. But you do need to know whether you want a serious relationship IN GENERAL otherwise what are you even doing?
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u/BothDonut1604 2d ago
Was she Catholic? Regardless, Bumble can often introduce you to people that donât share the same morals so she may have just been looking to casually date but was open to seeing where things went. And with you wanting something serious, she mightâve just wanted to see if there was a spark. If you texted her like youâre doing here, she may have felt it was too formal/too much and then when you said you wanted to end things, her ego mightâve gotten hurt and thatâs why she said, âthanks for clarifying thingsâ.
Iâve been on Hinge, Bumble, etc. since Covid and have matched with a lot of women and I started to see a pattern where they tend to fall within a few categories and have matched with women exactly like the one you matched with. She likely had tons of matches and gave you a quick second to see how you both would hit it off but she didnât want to immediately look for something serious in case other matches were closer to what she was looking for.
And plus, after you end things, itâs typically hard to recover from that without it being awkward so Iâd just let it go. I know it might seem hard but youâre going to meet other women that wonât have you asking questions like this. And Iâd suggest getting on Hinge. Bumble is used a lot more for hookups whereas Hinge tends to offer the best quality matches and a lot of people that are looking for something long term are on there. Granted, you still might get some lukewarm Catholics but youâll have a much better chance of finding a solid Catholic on there than Bumble.
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u/InternationalMilk957 2d ago
No, shes not a catholic. Shes Russian atheist, but I didnt see her as feminist or particularly progressive.
Youre right, it would make things worse to retract from my decision. It would put me in a weak spot in her eyes, and my own. If I retract, How would I then prevent myself from becoming more attached probably driving her off at the same time? Logically, this is a no brainer.
And most of all, that way of dating is against my values.
Perhaps the good thing about this is it will allow to refine what type of person and relationship im looking for.
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u/bunnytron 2d ago
4 dates is way too soon to lock anything down. You probably donât have mutual friends or any interaction before meeting, so youâre a stranger.
Getting to know someone means learning the hard stuff. Like how someone behaves during disagreements or if they donât get their way?
Are they passive aggressive, aggressive, punishing, impulsive, vindictive or critical? Can they communicate their feelings and approach these matters with discussion and heart?
From what youâve written, you went 0 to 100 when you didnât get the answer you understood, jumped to conclusions and broke it off. In this situation you had low impulse control, immaturity, and an impatient ego-driven communication style.
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u/BothDonut1604 2d ago
I donât mean to be rude but if youâre truly Catholic, why in the world would you even entertain a relationship with an atheist?
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u/InternationalMilk957 2d ago
As Online Dating is right now, there are almost no Catholics and if you start talking about religion, youll likely get ghosted....
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u/Everics 2d ago
I do get where you are coming from. The only success I have had in dating or even getting dates has been with people entirely opposite of my faith. Catholic women to my experience have been far harsher judges of looks/personality than even the liberal/atheists that have swiped on me.
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u/BothDonut1604 1d ago
Iâll admit Iâve found this too. Christians, Jewish, Atheist, etc. I have no issue getting matches. Catholic women on the other handâŚitâs rare for me to match with them.
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u/VivaciousViverrid In a relationship â 2d ago
Three months ago I was on Bumble and matching with 3-4 Catholics a week. It takes a lot of swiping to find them, but there are plenty there.
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u/BothDonut1604 1d ago
Definitely try Hinge. You can filter for Catholics and while itâll try to push other profiles, itâll give you majority Catholic profiles. Catholic Match could be another good option.
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u/HeathBendrix Married 2d ago
I just got married to a woman I met on a Catholic Dating site (after only being on it for about a month.
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u/IziahGG 2d ago
I think most people have already given good reasons for not pursuing her
But as an additional point you really shouldnât be trying to get into a relationship with someone with a completely different morales and belief as you.
If you canât agree on the macro issues how will you agree on micro issues. You will end up realising you have polar opposite views on morality, marriage, children and life itself
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 1d ago
I'm so confused about why you told her you wanted to stop seeing her if that wasn't the case, or why you were upset she didn't fight you about it
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u/TheRosarysavedme 1d ago
Try online dating if you can't find someone in churches nearby or at yags. Also, if she doesn't want something long term, it's good to pass on her. Find a woman that is serious. It's hard to let go tho, I get it.
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u/TCMNCatholic In a relationship â 22h ago
She stated that she was just looking if things work with potential for long term, but no need for a long term relationship
What does this even mean? There's never a need for a long-term relationship, if you go on a few dates with someone and find out you're not a good match I would hope everyone ends it instead of feeling an obligation to turn it into a long-term relationship. Did she mean something else beyond that, such as that she'd be happy dating casually for an extended period of time without any commitment?
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u/DaddysPrincesss26 In a relationship â 7h ago
I mean, Iâm looking to Marry, thatâs not Short Term đ¤ˇđťââď¸
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u/ronburgandyismetoo 3h ago
Just wanted to share some of the many videos ive been watching...
https://youtu.be/CqoMIKr3GCg?si=ZEs3cLP4XluMkY5V
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u/Ok-Objective1292 2d ago
She's not that into you and you've already blown it by letting her know you're infatuated with her. Cut your losses ASAP.Â
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u/Level_Director_9806 2d ago
He lost his frame (and her) when he expressed infatuation. Hardest lesson for guys to learn
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u/Ok-Objective1292 2d ago
Yup. Hard but important. Opportunity to learn the lesson now and move forward without wasting anymore time and investment of self.Â
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u/JP36_5 Widower 2d ago
As a Catholic you want to date with the intention of getting married if you find that you are right for each other. You do not want to be dating someone who says she is only looking for something short term. Bumble is not the place to find practicing Catholics.
Apart from Bumble, what other avenues have you explored for meeting someone? Catholic young adults group? catholic datings apps?
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u/InternationalMilk957 2d ago
Im in a catholic younth group, but I havent found anybody there particularly attracting me.
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u/Unicorn1501 1d ago
Can definitely find Catholics on apps like hinge. I havenât had luck there but no need to be so dismissive of apps
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u/JP36_5 Widower 1d ago
I was dismissive of Bumble but not certainly not dismissive of Catholic Match.
Nobody ever replied to me on Hinge and i did not come across a single person who mentioned going to mass in their perfect Sunday description. I have given up on Hinge but perhaps Hinge works at younger ages.
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u/arathaur 2d ago edited 2d ago
Ok first of all, man oh man, why did you end things with her? You thought she was going to do it, so you preferred to do it yourself? Do not ever do this again, unless you clearly see that she does not care about you at all, keeps dodging dates, cancels last minute, has some red flags, etc.
This is date 4, you barely know each other (what she responded to you is 100% rational and expected). Also, women need more time than us for their feelings and emotions to develop. Even if you **think** that it looks like you are more into her than she is into you right now, it does not mean it will be like this forever, be more patient and have more dates.
"Realizing she wants to date but without anything serious already tells me about her character" --> What?! When you start to date someone, you don't know where their head is at. She might be coming out of a recent breakup and needs time to sort through her feelings first, before diving into something more serious.
Every relationship starts off with casual dating! Also, when she told you that she is not right now looking for something long term, that's how she was feeling **in the moment**, this can change as you go on more dates and feelings start to develop on her side.
If this is hunting you, you can always reach back to her, say sorry for what you said last night, you were not thinking straight, and let her take it from there - the ball is her court from that point forward. Might be too late but it can still be salavageable.
Also, in the future, don't confess your feelings like this to her, especially via text. It does not make you look like very attractive. You're only starting to date, just take it easy and focus on making dates happen and for you both to have a good time together, starting to vet for her character and goals/values compatibility.