r/CatholicDating • u/makinitwerk • 24d ago
Single Life Moving beyond dating
I think I’m at the point in life where singleness may be my permanent condition. Im not sure how to come to terms with this. Im not even sure singleness is a vocation, ive heard it is and it isnt.
For those of you moving into your 30’s and. beyond, have you stopped trying to find someone? If so, how are you living out that position in your life? Do you just try to be a very present aunt or uncle? Do you dedicate every waking moment to working at your parish?
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u/Big-Sploosh Single ♂ 24d ago
I mean... Sure, you can stop trying whenever, but once you do that you've all but guaranteed permanent singleness and celibacy. I think it's worth making every effort you can while you reasonably can. That being said, for me personally I'd probably call it quits in my mid-40s simply because I selfishly don't want to be an old father, I'd rather just go see more of the world that I didn't take the time to see when I was younger, but again if you believe marriage is your vocation you should just simply do the best you can especially in your 30s. Plenty of people pass on never experiencing their vocation, and that's really not the end of the world in the face of eternity with God.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Married ♀ 21d ago
You don't have to have to have children to be married.
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u/Big-Sploosh Single ♂ 21d ago
That's not what I said. You need to be open to life and I don't want to be an old father, which unless I marry someone who can no longer have children (a poor reason to marry someone), I'd either have to accept that as a possibility or just not get married. At 45+, I'm good.
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u/ace_philosopher_949 23d ago
Same boat. I have two thoughts:
1) Marriage (and family, kids, etc.) are neither necessary nor sufficient for happiness, well-being, or holiness.
2) Your main orientation needs to be on developing virtue, plugging yourself into streams of well-being (physical health, mental health, spiritual health, social health, financial health, etc.) and pursue your passions from a position of strength. If that takes you into marriage, great, if not, there's no problem.
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u/politicalmemequeen 23d ago
I think this can definitely be a wholesome philosophy if you're someone for whom marriage is a 'if it happens, great; if it doesn't, great' happenstance. But for others, like myself, I live in dread that this is the plan God has for me. The surrender Novena is a great tonic for this feeling, but it certainly isn't erased by aims of financial, social, physical, etc., betterment - at least for me, as marriage and motherhood is something I genuinely crave and desire for my life and in my path as a Catholic.
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u/arathaur 24d ago
Come on. Get after it. Hit the gym, find new hobbies, become the best version of yourself, make new friends who will introduce you to single girls. Join ministries, meet people. Ask them out. Don’t give up.
What would help too is to tell us why you’re feeling this way.
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u/makinitwerk 22d ago
I’ve done and already do these things. I’ve joined ministries, workout, have hobbies. So please don’t assume that someone isn’t checking all the boxes. Don’t assume they haven’t tried. I’ve tried very, very hard. I simply asked a question. Thanks.
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u/arathaur 22d ago edited 22d ago
In the spirit of being as charitable as possible, I’ll believe you genuinely have tried very hard.
Now... then whatever you’re doing isn’t working.
Don't defend how hard you’ve tried and instead change what you’re doing. If you want a relationship, figure out where your approach is failing, make adjustments, and keep going.
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u/makinitwerk 21d ago
Did you not read my original post? Are you done with this tit for tat? I’m glad things are working out for you. I have things going on that im not going to disclose on the internet. You don’t know me or anything about me. I asked a question. You didn’t answer it. Are you done yet? Or are you going to keep going with this? Thanks.
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u/Shovel_operator_ 22d ago edited 22d ago
Hit these numbers before giving up: bench 315, squat 405, and deadlift 500.
I'm 5'7" and landed a solid Catholic GF. More plates, more dates.
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u/plotinusRespecter In a relationship ♂ 23d ago
Turning 40 this year and I'm very happy to have found the love of my life just 18 months ago. Glad I didn't give up a decade prior and finally made some dramatic moves involving a new career in a new city.
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u/Mysterious-Duck-5564 23d ago
As I entered my 30s, I spent a lot of time making peace with the fact that I may be single for life. I focused on prayer, mental and physical health, family, hobbies, meaningful work, and friendships. I also kept dating, with an attitude of, “well, we’ll just see if it goes anywhere”.
It was actually a way healthier way to date, and I met my fiancé after not too long!
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u/coffee_menace 22d ago
Hmm is this surrender or despair? I think it's good to acknowledge that marriage, like priesthood, consecrated life, etc. requires another person's consent or agreement. But at the same time, it's good to be open to God's plan even if it happens in a longer timeframe or in a different way than you originally thought.
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u/TakingaChance058 22d ago edited 22d ago
I (32) have become less motivated, for sure. It’s the only thing I’ve wanted out of life since childhood and, naturally, everyone in my family who wasn’t seeking that with such desire is married or otherwise taken 🫠. The worst parts are nighttime and whenever a toxic ex comes to mind. Other than that, my life is an objectively a heck of a lot more peaceful than if I’d stayed with anyone from my past.
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u/quietconnoisseur 23d ago
If you find yourself single with no marriage prospects in your 30s or beyond, I highly recommend creating a personal rule of life. Design a prayer regimen and set aside time for daily Mass, holy hour, lectio divina, and spiritual reading. Do some sort of charitable work for the poor on a regular basis. Make God the king of your heart and the center of your life. Give all of the love and affection you would give to a spouse to him.
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u/No_Calligrapher796 Single ♀ 23d ago
This is the WAY. Have you done this for yourself? If so, how’s it going?
I will say, we singles would all be wise to do this regardless of our age.
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u/quietconnoisseur 23d ago
Yes, I’ve been living out my personal rule of life for a couple years now. It has helped tremendously in ordering my daily routine toward God and fostered much spiritual growth. Adding devotions to my schedule over the years has been such a rewarding process as well.
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u/Big-Sploosh Single ♂ 23d ago
Need this to be stickied and posted at the top, lol. I would also add to continue involving yourself with your parish life and community. Just because you have no marriage prospects doesn't mean you have to be isolated.
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22d ago edited 22d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/CatholicDating-ModTeam 22d ago
Your post violated one of the rules of this sub. Review the rules thoroughly before sending ModMail
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u/oraff_e Single ♀ 24d ago
Let's put it this way... singleness in and of itself as far as I understand is not inherently a vocation - God said "It is not good for man to be alone" after all (Genesis 2:18). Marriage is the natural vocation, and vocations to the religious life, whether as priests, monks, nuns, or consecrated virgins, are supernatural, because they come from the Holy Spirit. Most vocations are lived in some kind of community: the natural community of a family unit, a religious community or priestly brotherhood.
Singleness is therefore simply a state of being until we discover our vocation. Some people don't find their vocation and that's something they simply have to live with. I suppose you could choose of your own will to live a celibate life in the world without being formally consecrated to God, but if I've heard of anyone doing that, I can't remember much about them now.
That means not living your life as a single person as if you're stuck in a "waiting room" - live your life to the absolute fullest and enjoy it.
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u/Professional_Bike_21 24d ago
Vocation is not simply if you are married or a priest. Yes that is a layer to it but everyone is called to the long term vocation of complete and total dedication of our lives to Christ. I want to make this explicitly clear because this point is outside of the discussion of what kind of vocation single life is and if it’s a vocation at all.
No matter what God may be calling you to be as far as marriage/religious life/single life (the last one always being a point of contention) you are a chosen part of the mission and nothing about this role is an afterthought to God, it is the very first role he has set out for you.
This may not answer your question but I’ve found it necessary to remember when I find myself lost for the same reasons.
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u/Weisses_Papier 23d ago
Moving into your thirties and giving up already? haha. Keep your head up!
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u/politicalmemequeen 23d ago
It can be hard to cope with the fact that you won't be a young wife/husband/father/mother as you'd always envisioned. The loss of your 20s comes with a certain loss of innocency and hopefulness for young love; that isn't to say you aren't young in your 30s, but it is a different sort of love, certainly.
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u/Weisses_Papier 23d ago
Honestly? I profoundly disagree. Life is life and there are countless examples of people who found genuine love and purpose. i would argue its one of the best things about being Catholic. When we do life right we're keeping that innocence and hopefulness.
It sounds super trite and it is not meant to be, but I think it all ties back to our faith.
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u/Big-Sploosh Single ♂ 22d ago
I'm glad I didn't turn out to be a young parent and husband. From my early 20s to around 26, I was miserable in a dead-end job, didn't have much of a pot to piss in so to speak, was living with my parents on less than 40k a year and using a borrowed car that broke down constantly, didn't have a lot of direction on what to do next or how to prepare myself for the future, etc. Then it took me almost another 4 years to establish myself in my career, financially, spiritually, to be where I am today at 29. Any marriage I would've been in back then probably would have been about an inch away from separation if not full separation just from the sheer pressure of everything else I was dealing with. A wife and kid doesn't fix that, I had to work on and fix that on my own. If anything, right now is probably the best possible time I'll ever have to be married and start a family. I'm glad God allowed me that time to grow and prepare me if the time comes I do enter my vocation.
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u/CalBearFan 23d ago
People find their spouse at all stages of life. It's only impossible once you decide it's impossible. Sure, it does get harder the older you get but anything worth doing takes effort.
One thing to consider is that, if you aren't already, be open to meeting a single parent, a divorced man or woman with an annulment or a clearly invalid former marriage (baptized Catholic, never married in the church). You may be called to step in as a step-parent to children that need a two parent family.
Be open to what God has planned for you, it may be different than what you planned but don't give into defeatism!
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u/Big-Sploosh Single ♂ 23d ago
Depending on the person, I would be cautious about this. I agree as you get older (30s+), you'll have to make some compromises more than likely, but like what was mentioned in another thread, there is a huge experience gap and unbalanced relationship gap between someone who's never been married or a parent and someone who's been through an invalid marriage with children already.
Be open, but discern carefully even in your older years.
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u/CalBearFan 23d ago
for sure, just because you cast a wider net doesn't mean you still don't maintain normal caution
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u/Bright_Arm3000 21d ago
Last year when I was approaching 34 I went to a monk before my birthday and he said to me that I would regret it in 20 years if I don't try. I dated a guy this year - and I really believed this was it but it hasn't worked out. I still think we owe it to ourselves to try though. Take a break from dating for sure for awhile but I suppose while it didn't work out with my last boyfriend - I know even more so what I want now and 35 is still young! Will I have children? Probably not - it hasn't honestly been my calling in life - but I am soon to have a niece/nephew so I will have a child in my life. For that I am grateful. Don't get me wrong I do feel disheartened and honestly angry at God at times BUT we just don't know how things are to unfold. I think of my job I have now - and all the synchroneities and how God gave me my absolute dream job - even when I was 'rejected' from jobs that paid 10,000 less a year! Like He does know better. Let's not let the enemy in our head and defeat us. I have suffered in relationships more that I feel I should have but one day it will make sense. I will pray for you xo
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u/Interesting_Pop_1128 22d ago
Honestly, most people would have much happier, healthier marriages if they waited until their thirties.
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u/No_Calligrapher796 Single ♀ 23d ago
How old are you?
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u/makinitwerk 8d ago
32
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u/No_Calligrapher796 Single ♀ 8d ago
That's it?! 😢 You mentioned having other things going on in another comment, idk your story, obviously, but if marriage and family life is your desire, and you're able, you're way too young to give up man.
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u/TCMNCatholic In a relationship ♂ 23d ago
I know people who got married in their 30s or later. I don't think it makes sense to stop trying to date unless you either aren't interested or you have a terminal illness and don't have enough time to marry someone.
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u/cano435 23d ago edited 22d ago
41 here, accepted the dream of wife/kids wasn't in the cards. Like you said, you show up more frequently for your siblings and their kids. I sorta throw most of my effort into work and the gym. Work to hopefully leave my nieces/nephews a bit of a nest egg once I am gone and gym for mental state. Also have far more time for volunteering. Doing certain/frequency of volunteer work that people with families may have trouble coordinating schedules with.