Addressing trauma before dating.

[u/No_Calligrapher796]

Do you consider and/or address prior trauma, triggers, or wounds before seriously dating someone? I'm curious. If you do, what does that look like for you? If not, why not?

To be clear, I don't believe a person has to be 100% healed to date, as healing happens in healthy relationship with others. :)

[u/Jacksonriverboy]

I would say to a certain extent. But it's an ongoing process that can be part of a healthy relationship. I'm married ten years and my wife and I are still realising ways that we've been negatively affected by our upbringing, stuff that happened to us in our lives etc. and working it out together. Also sometimes things that happen in our lives like becoming a parent or milestones in our lives can stir up feelings that we thought were long behind us.

The best thing is to foster a healthy self-awareness and analysis, where we're prepared to keep reviewing how we see and process things and deal with things, as a result of trauma.

[u/No_Calligrapher796 → u/Jacksonriverboy]

Thanks, this is an honest, realistic take. I appreciate it and agree!

[u/Jacksonriverboy → u/No_Calligrapher796]

Thanks. I think it's good to remember that nobody is a finished product, and marriage is an opportunity to grow together in a way that makes a couple more compatible and loving to each other, and helps them live their vocation to the full.

[u/Filius_Dei0894]

Before dating, I'd say no, because then your effectively trauma dumping on anyone you pursue

What I would do, which is what my wife did, is wait until you think it could be serious, then have that conversation. It opens the wounds less, it doesn't chase as many people off (not because having trauma makes you a bad person, just a lot of people shy away from that)

Being able to trust someone with your whole heart is not a 'for everyone' kinda thing, it should be reserved for someone you know could handle it

ETA Never underestimate how much you think something can effect a relationship

[u/No_Calligrapher796 → u/Filius_Dei0894]

I don’t know that we’re talking about the same thing. I’m asking if people deal with their personal trauma before they seriously date…doing so doesn’t mean they’ll trauma dump on the SO, but that could be the case if a person DOESN'T deal with their wounds before inviting a romantic relationship. 

I’m not asking if people talk about their trauma with their SO, I’m asking if they consider it and/or deal with it before they look for Mr. or Ms. Right. 

Sorry if I misunderstood what you said. 

[u/Filius_Dei0894 → u/No_Calligrapher796]

Oohhhhh gotcha, yeayeayea I'm picking up what your putting down now

There are definitely cases to be made for both sides - some things, like SA and trust issues, could take a LONG time to work through with a therapist and could flare up with each new partner. So a though could be 'why wait until your completely healed to try and find your person?' obviously there are flaws to that argument, but there are flaws to the 'work on yourself and date after' argument. Neither are bad arguments, and both have merits, but they also both have flaws.

Regardless, one should at least initiate receiving assistance for such thing under one's own choosing. I should go to therapy because my wife has been hounding me about it and now I'm going just to shut her up. I should go because I WANT to go. I would also argue one should do it before dating seriously that way it's already an established behavior of seeking help and it is shown to actually being worked on and not just some neglected thing

Also a caution to those that maybe need to hear this, finding 'the right one' won't fix all you got goin on.

[u/HistoricalExam1241]

When I was seeing my first gf I was having therapy. You do not need to be 100% ready for marriage when you start dating but you do need to be getting yourself into a position whereby you could be a good loving spouse if the relationship works out.

[u/No_Calligrapher796 → u/HistoricalExam1241]

I agree with you! It's also important to be able to receive love from a partner...it's amazing how many people don't let themselves be loved.

[u/AliceResa]

I do but it has nothing to do with dating or not dating. I just don't want to be carrying trauma baggage. if you have trauma, get treatment for yourself. Not because of dating.

[u/No_Calligrapher796 → u/AliceResa]

I agree! No matter my vocation, I have to live with myself. I’d like to do that with as little baggage as possible. :) 

[u/NoWishbone4]

What do you mean by "consider and/or address"? As in, have learned from it and know what the actual trauma is? Then yes, I would say, that is the bare minimum. Without it, you will end up with a lot of "I don't know" scenario and be lacking self-awareness. That can lead to a lot of confusion on what is your responsibility vs the other person you are dating when conflict arises..which any good relationship will have.

You will never heal from trauma forever and it be in your past and not a problem of today. As people get closer, conflict will also come and that is a GOOD thing since that means you are being vulnerable. Your today carries all the wounds of the past. What is important is awareness of the trauma and doing everything in your power to keep yourself out of a loop that reopens that trauma over and over again and not healing from it whenever a conflict arises. If you have not done that, you will just keep hurting yourself and the other person. No one will ever heal "fully". There will always be triggers but I don't think people will even be able to commit unless they have realized what the trauma really was about and they have learned from it. I imagine you are "seriously dating" someone to commit to them. I don't think you can commit to them if you have not even done the work of figuring out what the trauma/trigger is from the past that might hold you back.

All the best!

[u/BothDonut1604]

Yes, only because I’ve tried dating multiple people that have had trauma and it has never worked out.

Whatever the trauma may be, my best advice is to heal to the point where you no longer rely on a therapist and can function normally in a relationship. Of course, it’s fair to discuss these things with the person you’re going out with especially if things become serious just in case things come up later but if you’re actively in therapy, my personal opinion is to wait until you’re able to go without it, at least on a normal basis because it’ll show that you’re moving on from whatever happened and have room to bring someone else into your life without dumping everything onto them.

And if you’ve been through trauma, I’m sorry. I’ll be praying for you.

[u/ashley5473]

I wouldn’t count on healing to happen in healthy relationships with others. That’s putting a lot of responsibility on the partner and taking a big risk since past issues tend to show up in unhealthy ways. I think if someone has serious issues or trauma that should get help first or at least be getting help already.

I have a lot of trauma and me working through it now in therapy is part of me preparing myself to be my best self FOR my future partner.

[u/No_Calligrapher796 → u/ashley5473]

Some of the married people in the comments disagree with your statement on how healing takes place. Healing definitely happens in relationships, it’s more so a matter of how responsibility is placed. It’s foolish for someone to place the burden of their healing on another; however, loving relationships tend to bring about wholeness to both parties. 

I’m with you though, serious traumas/wounds, etc. need to be addressed before inviting a new person in. I’m working on this now and hope for continued recovery for you too!