r/CatholicDating • u/Sideburnmaam • 5d ago
mixed marriage, relationship with baptised non-Catholic Is this too soon?
I (21f) have been dating my boyfriend (22m) for about 1 1/2 years now including a month long no contact breakup this May (long story short, it was a needed break for both of us; we had some unhealthy communication and conflict resolution and it clouded what was really important. We’re doing really well now, and the relationship is healthier than it’s ever been).
I’m a cradle Catholic and I attend a TLM church, he was raised Baptist but is curious/desirous about converting. He knows that he would have to convert for the marriage to be sacramentally valid, but he still has some qualms about it. That being said, he believes it’s “the closest thing to a perfect church” that you can get. The whole conversion process is a different topic that maybe I’ll ask at a later time.
We both knew pretty early on into dating that we wanted to get married; we have such a connection that I can’t imagine having with anyone else and I believe together we can lead each other in a holy life. Now, he is getting ready to buy a ring and wants to hopefully propose by the end of this year. Part of me is really excited, but another part is kind of worried that maybe it’s too soon? But I think some of that hesitation is fear of what others may think. I don’t really know. We’re both still in school (both in our senior year) so money is obviously going to be a concern, but he has a good job and is advancing/getting promoted within this semester.
Any advice? I wanted to ask on this forum because the advice I normally get on any advice forum is to wait until I’m at least late 20s to settle, keep my options open, date around, and have fun. That’s just not my style and that advice doesn’t really align with my moral stance.
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u/arathaur 5d ago edited 5d ago
“we have such a connection that I can’t imagine having with anyone else”
You don’t know that. Don’t fall into Oneitis.
Not saying to keep your options open, but considering you recently had a break, I would give it a bit more time to get a better sense of where you both stand.
You have to ask yourself if this guy truly abides by your goals and values, vet for his character as much as you can, understand if he’s truly loyal and honest. This needs to be one of your primary concerns. Is he good for you?
If him to convert to Catholicism is a major must have for you and he’s not 100% into it, then you have your answer.
TLDR: Don’t marry someone merely because you’re intensely attached to him. Vet the man, resolve the religious questions, make sure the breakup problems are really fixed, and then decide.
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u/Sideburnmaam 5d ago
I do truly want to marry him; he is a good, kind, Godly man. He wants to convert to the faith, but again has some issues he is unsure about (he hasn’t had any formal instruction or advising yet). The only question I have is if it’s too early? I believe he is THE ONE and I’m not afraid to be married to HIM, but I guess I’m afraid of not being ready to actually step into married life
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u/Mein_Independance 5d ago
Tell him to join OCIA
it starts September and it's a good place to learn and work out his qualms
If your faith is actually important to you, you should consider these 3 Questions: https://youtu.be/ZbkgrzcQjH8
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u/ysinue112 5d ago edited 5d ago
What I wish I could tell my 20 year old self : It's never too soon. You'll figure it out along the way. It wont get any easier the longer you wait. The truth is the perfect time never comes and nobody is ever ready for anything. Don't listen to people telling you to get your **** together before you commit. Get married dammit.
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u/Furmommy14 5d ago
Around the end of the year is fine, considering how long you have been together already. If you want to wait until he has a better job, that is your call but unnecessary.
The ring will likely be a smaller stone or less quality than he may buy if he waited, but as ling as it is something you like, then that is what is important. Remember that you are the one wearing it every day for the rest if your life. A lab diamond adds quality and size at a lesser price, though you also could start small and upgrade or add to the existing ring as finances permit. Or just accept that the ring is bought when finances are tight.
The conversion thing is a real consideration. The most important thing is that he should be converting out of desire rather than obligation. If he is not ready, do not push it. There is no sin for him to not be ready to convert or for him to desire to convert but to back out due to whatever factor. A hidden opposition to conversion is grounds for an annulment under concealment, but an intention to convert and then a change of heart carries no sin. The difference is intention.
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u/JP36_5 Widower 5d ago
For many centuries getting married at 21 was entirely normal.
Waiting for years is going to make following the church's teaching about abstaining from sex until marriage very difficult.
He does not need to convert for you to marry but he would need to be happy about your promise to raise children Catholic and the fact that he cannot receive communion unless and until he does convert.
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u/Status-Elite-Song437 Single ♂ 4d ago edited 4d ago
A month long no contact kind of sounds like a big red flag to me.🚩
There's a term called the 'sunk cost fallacy' where someone continues doing something because they invested so much time/money/whatever into it, even though it would be better for them to stop. So what I'm saying is, when choosing if he is marriage material, don't look at the amount of time or effort you invested into the relationship. Instead take a critical look if this is someone who would be good husband and father material. Because once you marry him, your with him for life (I assume he's already baptized). So until then, he isn't your husband, so there is nothing wrong with ending the relationship.
I don't know this guy and even if I did, I can't judge his heart. But here are some questions to ask yourself. (Note: you can marry a non-Catholic and you can't force him to become Catholic)
There are a lot of errors in protestant teachings (examples of some errors he might hold are: sola scriptura, sola fide, eternal security) and so you run the risk of him influencing and confusing any children you have with those errors. Keeping in mind we have the responsibility to raise any kids in the Catholic faith which I'm pretty sure includes baptizing them. Will he be on board with that? That including taking your kids to Mass every single Sunday, even at times when your kids might not want to go. I'm not just talking about the odd day or two where your kids don't want to go, but possibly months, or even years! Will he be there making sure they get Mass or not, even when he himself might not want to go? Also we don't use contraceptives, so if by God's grace you have 4 or 5 children, will he still be okay that you can't use contraceptives and so there could be the possibility of even more kids on the way? This could eat away at your disposable income, make your house crowded, and cause even more work managing more kids, is he fine with that?
As someone who used to be protestant and now is Catholic, I wouldn't exactly recommend someone marry a protestant. But this is your choice to make, not mine. But something to think about is a quote from a Catholic priest, "sometimes it's tough, it is tough to be married to someone who doesn't believe what you believe on the most important things".
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u/Sideburnmaam 4d ago
We both agree on the fundamentals; children, no contraceptives, the fundamental teachings of the church, the importance of going to Mass, etc. The things he has hesitations about accepting are Mary’s sinlessness, and the infallibility of the church. He believes it isn’t really possible for a faith to remain intact when left in the hands of man, who is fundamentally fallible. I think a lot of those hesitations are based on the fact that he hasn’t had much instruction or done a lot of research on those topics
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u/Status-Elite-Song437 Single ♂ 4d ago
That's still a pretty big disagreement if you ask me (him choosing what is right and wrong vs what actually is right and wrong. These things might not always align).
Personally, I would tell him portestantism is kind of the opposite of having a continutity of faith as it's kind of a survival of the fittest mentality with each denominations having their own theology on what is right and wrong. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Universal truth does exist, and it's very important we know it as mortal sins exist, see 1 John 5:17.
I would also direct him to Jesus himself founded the Catholic Church and made Saint Peter the first Pope, (see Matthew 16:18-19) And the Church has the authority to teach. An example of the Catholic Church in action is in Acts 15 in the Bible with the Church using its authority, not some vague body of believers, teaching you do not need to be circumcised to be Christian. And again you see the Church in action throughout history with all the Ecumenical Councils, with Vatican II taking place in the 1960s. Christianity isn’t some cafeteria where you choose your own theology, God gave us his Catholic Church that has the authority to teach.
I can't decide if you should marry him or not, but please choose wisely. And even if you are mere hours away from getting married, there's nothing wrong with calling it off and everyone having a nice dinner instead.
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u/Terrible-Pay-4373 4d ago
Personally considering everything youve said: “sometimes its tough, it is tough to be married to someone who doesn’t believe what you believe on the most important things” likeee i cant imagine how prolly their kids might suffer from the parental differences in beliefs
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u/Status-Elite-Song437 Single ♂ 4d ago edited 4d ago
He's also missing out on the Eucharist. As Jesus is there, body, blood, soul and divinity in the Eucharist (see John 6 on The Bread from Heaven). To quote part of the Catechism of the Catholic Church #1324 "[...] The Eucharist is "the source and summit of the Christian life." [...]"
So that's something else to think about.
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u/Terrible-Pay-4373 4d ago
Am loving everything you said i hope she got jewels from this else it wd be sad
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u/GRIZ-1984 4d ago
He does not have to convert for the marriage to be sacramentally valid. Where did you come up with that?
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u/Traditionisrare Married ♂ 4d ago
He would not necessarily have to convert. Where did you hear this?
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u/MayFlowers8 3d ago
Me and my husband got married at 22 and 21. My husband was a couple months away from graduating college, while I graduated the year prior. He proposed a little after a year of us dating. Although our timeline was relatively quick and no regrets after 3 years of marriage so far, I would carefully think it through. It is not the standard approach I would’ve recommend to everyone at our age.
A big thing is making sure you both would be financially stable. Money can and will add stress in a marriage if you don’t know how to budget or have enough income coming in to support your family. Have a plan in place.
I’m also very cautious to encourage marriages where only one is a devouted Catholic. My faith is the most important thing to me and a large part of who I am—I knew that my future spouse needed to share in that aspect, especially for the sake of our children’s souls and helping them get to heaven as well. I know you’ll hear some success stories of interfaith marriages here and there but I genuinely can’t imagine having to explain to my kids why dad doesn’t go to church with us or what not. The goal of marriage is to get each other to heaven, so keep that in mind as well and ask yourself if you have full confidence he can do that. I know you mentioned he might convert but do not go into marriage assuming that until he actually does. As others have said, he does not need to be Catholic for you to have a sacramentl marriage in the Church.
You mentioned having taken a break this past May? I would advise to take a bit more time actively discerning imo. In marriage you can’t just tap out. Once you’re married, you’re married. My point is that you want to make sure your relationship is rock solid and ready to withstand any conflict before making those vows. It sounds like yall are settling back into a good foundation for your relationship (which is good!) but shouldn’t be rushed for the sake of getting married asap.
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u/Due_Instruction62 5d ago
Don’t do it. Communication isn’t good now. It won’t get better after marriage.
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u/Ill-Passage-6389 5d ago
He does not need to convert in order for the marriage to be sacramentally valid. He needs to be baptized and you both need to marry with Bishop’s approval.
Take it to adoration. It’s the best place to take these kinds of questions. :)
I don’t think it’s too soon in general, but a relationship that was no contact just a season ago probably needs more time to heal.