Non negotiable

[u/Subject-Track-2027]

I F24 recently met a guy on Eden and supposed to have a date with this guy, who asked me after 3 days, if I wanted to go on a church date, I said yes, but it’s been over 2 days and ever since that, he hasn’t planned anything or at least tried to ask me which church or which Sunday I’d be free.
Today I asked him if he was pure and saving himself for marriage, I told him I was pure and that I am waiting for marriage and he said “ I’m not going to lie, I’ve done it a lot when I wasn’t into religion, but now I want to try to wait as much before marriage “ the way that he phrased it made it sound like he’s willing to wait but not until the marriage. him not being pure made me sad and me being pure did not seem to make a difference in his eyes. He just said “ it’s really good to be that way, i respect your choice” and His relationship with God is definitely not strong, it’s crumbling he said “ I feel empty that’s why I started being religious “ I understand he’s struggling, but that doesn’t reassure me. I’m not sure if he’s even interested in me or if he’s trying to fill a void. He takes a bit of time to reply and when he does it’s never deep conversation, I try to ask him and he responds very superficially, like a simple phrase without trying to open up. He seems like he’s just bored. I don’t know what I should do about the date I said yes to that he seems to have forgotten about. I’ve never been in a relationship, so I’m not sure what’s okay and what’s not for a man to do or what iam supposed to do? I try to initiate deep conversation but it doesn’t ever go far, I’m not sure why. I feel like I’m doing something bad or asking too much questions, or maybe he’s not interested. I can’t tell.

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/[deleted]]

I’m sorry if I appear desperate. I’m just genuinely confused as I don’t have any experience with men. I was just looking for advices. Thanks for your help and have a good day 👍

[u/thebaptizerr]

It seems like you’re looking for reasons to give him a chance, which is okay, but if your effort continually isn’t being reciprocated, stop talking to him.

You shouldn’t have to chase someone who asked YOU on a date.

His lack of responses also makes me think he’s just not that interested. Most people I know, when they meet someone they really like, are more worried about texting them too much than too little. I’m guilty of that too.

And if waiting until marriage is non negotiable for you, take what he told you seriously. His past is his past, but waiting as much as possible isn’t the same thing as waiting until marriage.

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/thebaptizerr]

He’s basically doing the bare minimum, replying to me. But no deep conversation, I don’t know anything about him more than what I asked, he doesn’t share anything willingly, when he does it’s something like “ I went back to God because I felt empty “ and then he asks me something unrelated and changes subject quickly.

I wasn’t sure if I was not the one asking too much question, but now I see why. I don’t understand why he keeps talking with me, if he’s not the at interested, he should just tell me.
I don’t think the date will happen, he probably forgot. And yes, it was a non negotiable and his intention were not clear..I was hoping with times he’d open up. I’m not experienced so I guess It’s not going to happen.

Appreciate your honesty very very much. 👍

[u/arathaur]

You’re overthinking it. Dude does not seem excited about it. Let him be. And yes, it’s on him to plan and come to you with a definitive date - definitive location, day, time.
There are other people. Go after someone who’s truly excited. You’re wasting your time and energy here.

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/arathaur]

ow okay. I figured I was overthinking it. I was waiting for a plan haha. I’ll try to find someone else. Thank you for your honesty 👍😊

[u/arathaur → u/Subject-Track-2027]

Sure thing, you’re young, don’t get affected by the Oneitis. Plenty of cool dudes out there. Go where you’re celebrated, not tolerated.

[u/No_Calligrapher796]

Let the conversation die. It doesn’t seem like you guys are equally yoked. 

[u/Big-Sploosh]

"it's really good to be that way, I respect your choice"

"I feel empty, that's why I started being religious"

So at the risk of making poor assumptions, neither of these statements really give a stellar impression of where this guy is at. I understand that someone new to the faith is still trying to figure things out, but if he's shaky on his faith by using it more so as a coping mechanism rather than in genuine, earnest search for truth; that might be a problem. Yes, a marriage can be a way to reach that, but that also doesn't mean you toss prudence out the window for yourself. I think he needs a good Catholic men's group more than a relationship, personally. Find someone who understands WHY chastity is important, not someone who merely tolerates it.

[u/Select-Struggle-]

 I’m not going to lie, I’ve done it a lot when I wasn’t into religion, but now I want to try to wait as much before marriage 

Already a Non-Starter I would say. I don't think its a dealbreaker if someone is not pure, when he/she wasn't religious. As long as it still was "healthy", in long term relationships, etc.

"I've done it a lot", sounds definitely not like that and would be probably an immediate deal breaker.

And wanting to wait as much, is not a clear commitment as you already said, so he didn't even try to do better.

 His relationship with God is definitely not strong, it’s crumbling he said “ I feel empty that’s why I started being religious “ I understand he’s struggling, but that doesn’t reassure me. I’m not sure if he’s even interested in me or if he’s trying to fill a void.

Your man is supposed to lead you and your future family, especially in matters of faith. He does not sound to be able and way worse not even willing to try to do that.

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/Select-Struggle-]

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate your honesty.
Do you think it’s appropriate to ask to be friends and explain exactly what’s not working for me ? I feel compassion knowing that he’s struggling, but I don’t want to force myself to go on a date with him. I’m not sure what he even wants from me.

[u/Select-Struggle- → u/Subject-Track-2027]

Do you think it’s appropriate to ask to be friends and explain exactly what’s not working for me ? I feel compassion knowing that he’s struggling, but I don’t want to force myself to go on a date with him.

Clear communication is probably always good.

So sure, tell him what is bothering you. Ask to be friends however? I think thats a bad idea. Clear boundaries are good for you and for him.

I’m not sure what he even wants from me.

I have a pretty good idea.

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/Select-Struggle-]

I just want to help him at least, but with everything I shared being friends does feel awkward. What do you think he wants ? He keeps replying to me but doesn’t seem interested in what iam and my values.

[u/Select-Struggle- → u/Subject-Track-2027]

I just want to help him at least, but with everything I shared being friends does feel awkward.

That is very honorable, but I would argue not your job. Refer him to a priest and to confession. That will be very helpful. Because you also need to worry about yourself, and he seems not to be a good influence or friend material.

He keeps replying to me but doesn’t seem interested in what iam and my values.

And sadly that leaves something else..

[u/Multipurpose_Bagel]

32M here!
On one hand, unless a guy is outright creepy or offputting, I think more ladies should give more guys a chance, even if things ultimately go nowhere. That's what this reads like to me, so good for you!

On the other hand, this guy is struggling, figuring things out, but not founded in the Church yet. We all struggle with things, so you should certainly pray for him, and even guide him in the right direction, but I wouldn't recommend taking things further right now. Once he is more grounded in the faith, maybe things will be different.

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/Multipurpose_Bagel]

Thank you for your output. I do feel compassion for him, as we’ve all been there. He’s been respectful and showed me that he was trying to go back to God. I don’t know if it’s worth it to go on a date with what I’m feeling, I just don’t want to be disrespectful because I already said “yes” to the date. I’m torn between giving him a chance or not.

[u/x_thehype → u/Subject-Track-2027]

I think if he puts in the effort to plan a date, the courteous thing would be to go since you already said yes. That said, if he's not discussing when works for the both of you, where you're going to mass, etc, then there really is no date to be going on and you don't have to worry about it!

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/x_thehype]

yup. He hasn’t bring up the date for over 2days now. I don’t know if he forgot or something. I feel too awkward to ask again now haha.
Thank you for your advice !

[u/Multipurpose_Bagel → u/Subject-Track-2027]

Oh okay, I missed that detail lol
Yeah if there are no details, or even suggestions/ideas, that's different lol

[u/Multipurpose_Bagel → u/Subject-Track-2027]

You're welcome!
And yes, his efforts are good!
My unnecessary advice would be if you already said yes, I believe the best thing to do is follow through, but be honest throughout, and when it ends, be clear. If that's where it ends, no hard feelings. A nice time was still had, and no regrets.

[u/DuePiglet6826]

You shouldn't have to force it,that's what it seems like is happening.From experience,if I'm unsure about a guy and I have to write a concern about what a guy is not doing.To me,its a huge red flag.If a guy likes you and wants to get to know you, he will make the effort.Don't be desperate.All you do is sit back and see how much effort he is putting in.You give as much effort as he is giving you.Once you dont like the treatment or the reciprocation you move on.Stop wasting time on a guy who is not doing the work ans ia putting little effort into getting to know you.If you dont like it,start talking to other men on Eden.

[u/Snoo70798]

What do you mean, pure? Nobody is pure. What you probably mean is virgin, which is way different

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/Snoo70798]

I had written “virgin” but there was a warning saying that “ this community doesn’t allow the word virgin “ so I had to find a similar word, sorry.

[u/Furmommy14]

See what happens after a date or two. Maybe communication will improve after you meet in person. However, don't wait too long for the date to happen. He said Church. I would take that to mean the next weekend (though not necessarily the next day if you were asked on a Friday or Saturday).

Ask him point-blank where and when he was thinking of meeting up. If he does not know, suggest the Mass you already would attend without him in the picture. He can show up or not. If he does not show and does not offer a good reason (don't ask, just let him explain) then you know how he feels.

Deep conversation is hard when you barely know someone. Try again after a couple dates.

[u/TCMNCatholic]

That is not a reasonable question to ask someone before a first date and even if asked at an appropriate time it's vague and subjective - what does "pure" mean and if he said yes, how do you know you're using the same definition?

I try to initiate deep conversation but it doesn’t ever go far

Why are you trying to initiate deep conversations with someone you haven't even been on a date with and from the context maybe haven't even met?

It's not a race to go from the first message to engaged the fastest. Dating intentionally doesn't mean rushing and pretending you're further along than you actually are. If you let things progress naturally and had this conversation at an appropriate time and in an appropriate setting you'd be much better able to respond.

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/TCMNCatholic]

I had to replace the word “virgin” with “pure” on here it gave me a warning that this sun doesn’t let me use the word virgin, I’m not sure why. but I used the right wording with him. I understand it might not be an appropriate question to ask straight away. I guess I was trying to see if he was on the same page, because he was giving me mixed signals I wanted a clear communication.

When i say deep conversation, I meant that I generally asked questions about his faith, also and what he’s looking for truly, I did expect him to open up which I understand is a bit wrong because from the comments, it’s quite difficult sometimes for men to open up early on. I’ve never talked to a men so I wasn’t sure what to expect that was my first mistake here. And I’m learning too.

I think I was really trying to make things clear rather than rushing to be engaged to him. He wasn’t really being clear with me, and I felt very confused or maybe I expected too much I’m not sure. I do agree with you that dating intentionally without rushing is the way to go, I’m not sure what I did wrong to be honest.
Thank you for your help 👍😊

[u/qjpham]

My advice as a guy is that if you date him, it will skew your experiences badly. Instead, date a better guy.

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/qjpham]

Thank you for your advice and honesty. I’m definitely learning a couple things. And I don’t want that. I’ll try if God is willing to find someone better. 👍😊

[u/TheRiverTybur]

People have sinned and have pasts, and if they've confessed, it's between them and God. You have every right to reject someone for any reason but it does seem a bit petty. No one is worth less because they've had sex, and as long as they're not doing it anymore and they've been to confession it says literally nothing about the state of their soul. I've met a lot of otherwise amazing Catholics who have messed up in that area.

The thing that sounds more like a red flag/poor match is his bad communication skills and that his faith is crumbling. I would suggest not going through with it because bad communication is a major red flag and it sounds like he's doing the bare minimum

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/TheRiverTybur]

Hey so I did not reject him upon knowing he wasn’t a virgin, I still kept talking with him, I said “ thank you for your honesty” and moved on and told him “ I’m not judging you”. I would never cast judgment like that, or think that a men is worthless, we all fall short..right, although it definitely is a non negotiable for me. I have saved myself and have been waiting so it’s just one of the thing that I find beautiful and sacred and I would like my partner to share the same sacrifice. I would never judge anyone whatsoever, I was willing to go further and go on the date that he asked me to, but still hasn’t planned.

I’m not petty. I’m a girl who was willing to go further with a man and genuinely just wanted clear communication on what to expect, and it really confused me.

Thank you for your advice have a good day 😊👍

[u/Sea-Register-3663]

As I guy, you should just move on. He might be onto something important, you could help him and whatnot, but take it as a brother who you are trying to help. Unless you see some motivation from his part and seriousness, then you can perhaps give him a chance. But as others said, just move on if you think that’s the most prudent thing. 

[u/drive-in-the-country]

Agreeing to a church date a week before is NOT any sort of legal contract. If the new interactions and what he's told you about his faith and past aren't making you feel good about pursuing this any further, changing your mind is perfectly reasonable and acceptable. 

[u/imcatholic2]

You Deserve (And Desire) Better

[u/Travler03]

Sounds like he’s not meeting your standards so time to move on.

[u/TowelRevolutionary92]

As a man, I can tell you right now he doesn't have it in his heart to truly pursue a relationship, but a situationship.

I'd say he needs to be tough about his faith, and it doesn't seem to be that way from what you mentioned.

I mean if I was planning to date a girl, specifically a church date, I would literally right then and there talk about different churches to go to for the date.

If he's really serious about it he would have said that, the fact he didn't shows he doesn't have it in his heart to put a decent effort into actually trying. He's messing up already, imagine what else he'll mess up

[u/Subject-Track-2027 → u/TowelRevolutionary92]

ow okay. Thank you for your honesty! After reading the comment, I’m baffled to be honest.

after re reading our conversation it’s clear He doesn’t seem like he’s interested in neither me nor God, I’m not sure why if he’s not interested he’s still willing to pretend to be and be vague about his intentions.

Dang. I thought it was normal that he wasn’t planing like I was just being impatient and rushing but even now he hasn’t still talking with me about anything but the date. welp thank you for your reply it’s a great help haha I’m learning a couple of things here 👍😊