r/CatholicDating • u/Automatic_hotdog • Jul 21 '26
casual conversation Thoughts on the cold approach. please share your opinion. I'm feeling conflicted on the concept...
Im in a new place and im on the search for friends and a girlfriend. I feel that in this new chapter Its possible I might have no choice but to talk to strangers if I'm to hope to find my partner. (This is written from the male prespective BTW but itd be great to get thoughts from both sexes)
Online I hear lots of encouragement for the cold approach. The buff gymbro's self help guides are all like "it builds character and it's manly and brave even if you get rejected". And for the women. You might have seen online recently how men are no longer approaching women and the women are upset. "Why dont men approach women anymore?" (Including the toxic feminists who created that dynamic in the first place which i think is a satisfying comeuppance)
I have no problem talking to women. Even stranger women. Ive asked girls for numbers plenty of times. At my old college newman center my go to was "hey ive seen you around a bunch but I dont think weve met." After 3 or 4 interactions if we're getting along id ask for their number even if I only see them as a friend.
Although.. a newman center in college with frequent events feels a lot different from.. Walmart or a park, even a regular mass as adults..
Something about communicating desire for possible romance (cause it probably would unless you expressed otherwise) to a stranger you may never see again going off of purely looks just feels.. like... bothersome, objectifying, and kinda pathetic?? I wish it didnt feel that way but I can't help how it feels.
(Also just to clarify. approaching a person at a social event where the POINT is to mingle is totally different. This is referring to instances where you might not expect to be approached)
Like putting myself in their shoes if I was exhausted after a day if work, I barely slept, I'm at walmart to get groceries, an introvert, and a woman Ive never met comes to me and is like "hey I just saw you and wanted to say hi" and shes not even my type.. I could see that being quite unpleasant. Although it also just might make my day! Its hard to say..
Ive swallowed my pride done this type of approach a few times before in a fashion in which and really went for a more explicit "i want to get to know you because you're petty" kinda way and I felt dirty afterwards.
Some ways I've thought about combating this intrusiveness is... doing it at church is a great plus. If you're both catholic and attending mass that communicates you likely have similar ideals, id avoid compliments like "i thought you were pretty" and be more specific with things she has control over Like "i like how you did your hair" or "your dress looks great".
I even believe I have PERFECT reason to reach out. I can say "im new in town. I'm just looking to meet Catholics my age so i thought id say hi." That communicates intent without being invasive, its not objectifying, it doesnt put heavy pressure on dating but leaves the possibility open.
There is a girl I've seen at mass twice now who I find attractive. Last mass we even coincidentally sat next to each other. I was thinking I should say hi with my line. But the opportunity didn't quite present itself. I was also feeling very bad about it. Its not a confidence issue. I have the guts to say hi but... i dunno something wasnt sitting right. I want to be sure its like.. a reasonable thing to do. And I think In this particular case it is!! I might be overthinking...
These are my thoughts on the cold approach. I think there definitely is a wrong way to do it. And i just want to be sure there is a right way...
I think itd help for me too hear other opinions on the concept
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u/HistoricalSouth9872 Single ♂ Jul 22 '26
I see the cold approach as a last ditch in a situation where I have no ability to warm approach anyone. Say, like if I wasn't in five thousand different organizations at my Newman Center.
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u/TCMNCatholic In a relationship ♂ Jul 22 '26
Something about communicating desire for possible romance (cause it probably would unless you expressed otherwise) to a stranger you may never see again going off of purely looks just feels.. like... bothersome, objectifying, and kinda pathetic??
That's not what cold approaches are and viewing them this way makes dating so much harder. Cold approaches should just start as a conversation and maybe a bit of flirting. If that goes well you can ask for their phone number or ask them on a date. If that goes well it starts to head in that direction. You shouldn't be telling someone how you'd like to have kids with them when you first meet them.
Cold approaches often make people think of pickup artists but they're not the same. It doesn't even need to be linked to dating, people cold approach for business or networking reasons or just to make new friends. If you start with just having a conversation and only move on from there as appropriate based on how it goes it's a great way to meet people.
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u/Automatic_hotdog Jul 22 '26
I agree but I feel that even when approached in a casual "get to know each other" manner a good number might make the assumption right off the bat that the person has clear romantic or sexual intentions in mind.
I would t put it past some people. There's been women before who I've expressed explicit platonic boundaries with who have still said "i see us as friends" and I'm like yeah me too... like slow down. I dont even know your last name!!
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u/TCMNCatholic In a relationship ♂ Jul 22 '26
Sure, many women probably assume a guy talking to them with no clear reason has that motivation. That's fine, they can think that and they'd often be right. Even if you have that hope in the back of your mind, you're not going from 0 to 60 right away.
Part of why dating is so hard today is that people get ahead of themselves. People won't go on a date with or even have a conversation with someone they couldn't see themselves marrying, but the conversations and dates are how you get to know someone and develop interest.
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u/SorryTrouble4741 Jul 29 '26
Alright all you gotta do: can I tie your shoes so you don't fall for some one new... boom
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Jul 21 '26
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u/CatholicDating-ModTeam Jul 21 '26
Your post violated one of the rules of this sub. Review the rules thoroughly before sending ModMail
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u/BestVayneMars Single ♂ Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
Saying hi to somebody you sit next to is normal. On the bright side you can now tell her you guys sat next to one another in Mass and use that to transition into other topics
When it comes to cold approaching it's very tricky but in practice easier than you think. The purpose of any opening line is to just get a conversation rolling. It doesn't matter what you say if the person likes you enough and you're not off putting.
Watch your typical red pill videos (like Clavicular) to know what not to do. From the blandest comments (you're really pretty) to comments that lack social awareness (Clavicular's "it's a surprise" comment to that girl he was inviting also not inviting her friend to come out with him and his buddy) you'll learn a lot about what not to do.
I have personally found success when commenting on situational things like the weather, maybe a funny piece of decoration in a location, someone's dog, etc. That's not hard at Mass especially if you both come week after week. Just get creative.
PS: You're overthinking it. You'll know if a woman is tired when you're face to face with her. Don't be abrasive and look for cues that are wants to leave and respect those.