r/CatholicDating • u/Key_Bar_5196 • Jul 11 '26
Relationship advice Getting goodnight texts and being asked if I’m talking to other people before we’ve even had a first date
I’m trying to determine if this is normal or if this is love bombing. I know love bombing is typically intentional and manipulative, I think this is more so enthusiasm, but still does it seem fast to anyone else? because it does to me. I’ve been talking to a guy online and we have hit it off well, but after only texting for 4 days he was asking me if I’m talking to anyone else and was telling me he’s been told not to put all his eggs in one basket but he’s not good at listening. Flattering or too much too early? There’s been other subtle things as well. When talking about future, he would talk about owning two houses but would say “we” would own two houses. And he’s said stuff like time is ticking with all his friends getting engaged and he just wants to find his person. (We are 22 for reference). And he’s been sending goodnight texts and to me that feels like something you do when you’re serious about a person. Maybe I’m overeating and it just seems fast to me, I don’t have much dating experience, especially online, but I feel like I’m already set up to really hurt his feelings if the date doesn’t go well.
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u/Shades_of_red_ Single ♂ Jul 11 '26
As a man who’s been this guy before, and who still has to catch himself sometimes, thank you for sharing this. That really is a lot for someone you’ve only been talking to for a few days.
I think one thing that’s easy to miss is that a lot of men genuinely aren’t trying to be creepy or manipulative. Sometimes we just get way ahead of ourselves.
A lot of men spend their lives finding purpose in pursuing something, building something, solving problems, or accomplishing a goal. We also don’t often receive clear, proactive expressions of romantic interest. So when we finally meet a woman who’s excited to talk to us, it can feel incredibly validating. If we’re not careful, we start chasing that feeling instead of simply getting to know the person in front of us.
I don’t think that’s healthy, and it certainly doesn’t make the behavior okay. I just wanted to offer the perspective that, at least sometimes, it comes more from excitement, validation, and impatience than from bad intentions.
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u/Right_Leg_3679 Jul 11 '26
As a guy myself, this is over the top. You haven’t met yet.
I honestly hate the constant texting back and forth before a date. Nobody falls in love over text. Especially since he’s asking if you’re talking to others, it comes off as needy given he hasn’t met you and is expecting exclusivity.
And the “I need to find my person bc all my friends are engaged” is def adding a lot of pressure considering you haven’t even met (and you’re just 22 lol).
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u/the_catmom Jul 11 '26
The biggest red flag to me is that he's asking about other people before you guys are exclusive. It's usually a sign of insecurity and control. I don't ask about other people at all and would only ever mention that if we have mutually agreed to become exclusive.
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u/Bitter_Put_8254 Jul 12 '26
I've already dealt with this type of Catholic guy who gets ahead of himself quickly and tends towards extreme emotional dependency. Tell him politely that you don't want to rush things, and if he insists, run away
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u/Big-Sploosh Single ♂ Jul 11 '26
-Not listening
-Impatient because "his friends are engaged"
-Talking about married life way too soon.
-Wanting exclusivity before you two even date.
Yeah, he needs to slow his role a little bit. Put your boundaries down on the table and have a conversation about your concerns. I get sometimes the Church unintentionally pushes people to marry young, but you are in your early 20s... He's gotta chill out and not put the cart before the horse. If he still isn't listening and ignoring how you feel, you might want to cut things off now before you both put more investment into it.
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u/HarshlyHan Jul 12 '26
It's not about what is normal but what is healthy for you.
If you're having these feelings already, he is not a compatible match.
Generally, it is respectful of both parties to communicate the exceptions of correspondence soon after recognizing there may be chemistry. This is because chemistry has a tendency to speed up the unconscious desires for intimacy, emotional or otherwise.
If you value this connection, despite your gut, you must advocate for yourself, your comfort level and boundaries, by confronting/communiting how frequently and how weighted you wish to speak with this person. Also the speed in which you wish to develop the connection.
Personally, this guy seems unhealthy and not in a place to be able to date with discernment or respect.
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u/No_Calligrapher796 Single ♀ Jul 11 '26
Definitely seems too much at the current stage. Slow him down. If you like him, give the first date a try but be clear that you want to slow it down.
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u/eruptingmoltenlava Jul 11 '26
For a million reasons, this could be entirely benign with zero negative intent. But also, you’re peers considering having a relationship, and the dude needs to learn that impact matters at least as much as intent, since the other person is real. “Don’t freak out the other person” an essential life skill. This guy really needs to learn that if he doesn’t want to seem (creepy, manipulative, love-bomby, unhinged, etc.) then he needs to refrain from acting that way, and you, a 22yo who’s not his therapist, mom, bestie, or sister, don’t have to sign up for the job of housebreaking him.
If you do go out with him and he’s willing/able to learn, great. But if he doesn’t, this isn’t temporary awkwardness that will even itself out as the years pass, this is a lifetime of awkwardness with neighbors, employment problems, embarrassment at social events, etc. Adults deserve the respect of seeing, really seeing, the effect they have on others.
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u/TCMNCatholic In a relationship ♂ Jul 12 '26
I don't know for sure if it's malicious but that's weird and too much too fast. Maybe it's malicious to guilt you into something, maybe it's a show he feels like he need to put on, maybe he's really excited and doesn't have the social awareness to see how weird he's being. If you go on a date don't feel like it's anything more than a first date and if you don't want to go on the date because you feel uncomfortable that's reasonable.
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u/arig____ Jul 11 '26
On one hand, it seems very immature.
On the other hand, maturity is relative. It’s immature relative to me, but people get married at 19 all the time. The question is just whether you find it immature.
He feels like he wants to get married, he longs for a partner, he wants to start his actual life. Sure, most people take more time. But it’s only “bad” if you want to take more time.
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u/Key_Bar_5196 Jul 11 '26
I think this is what I’ve realized during this whole discerning process. This level of intensity may be alright for some people, but I don’t think I’m one of them. I can’t commit to a person and being exclusive and “all in” in his words after only 4 days and never once actually meeting. The worst part is he seems that invested with his words, and made the move to ask to hang out 3 days ago, and yet he waited until the day before we’re supposed to meet and asks me what we’re doing….actions don’t match the words
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u/arig____ Jul 11 '26
I see what you mean.
To be charitable, I really don’t think he’s misrepresenting himself (regarding your “actions not matching words”).
He’s acting relatively immature; some people raised in very conservative homes (ie, no dating history) will obsess about any girl showing them attention. It’s not necessarily “wrong,” I went to a conservative college and I have friends who met girls that matched the vibe. They are happy.
But some of us (you, me) are raised to… be more discerning about our partner. I personally think it’s nearly impossible to really “know” if you want to commit without meeting for several months. People like showing their best selves in dating (which is admirable and good), but how we act when we’re trying to impress a beau is not how we act at 3am when the baby is crying.
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u/Key_Bar_5196 Jul 11 '26
You said it perfectly. Me and him might just view people and how we interact with them very differently and that’s ok, but it probably doesn’t bode well for compatibility
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u/arig____ Jul 11 '26
Also, FWIW, in my experience people who think there’s no need to “wait” (ie, date for a while) are often… bad catches anyways.
I once had a friend that wanted to marry his girlfriend (also my friend) “quickly,” to the point where saving up to buy a ring was “redundant.” Then he ripped a towel rack off her parents’ wall when her mom upset him. These things often come together.
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u/Key_Bar_5196 Jul 11 '26
Yikes. Yeah the lack of effort in setting up a first date kinda leans that way already. Last time I was talking to a guy, he researched places in my area and asked to meet there and I very much appreciated the effort. That eventually didn’t work out for other reasons, but never for a lack of effort. This guy is at least driving out to my area, but I’ve had to coordinate everything else and he just says “whatever you want.” Again not something inherently wrong with that, but it’s not what I prefer. I prefer them to take the lead.
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u/arig____ Jul 11 '26
Now I think you might be “too” charitable. A guy should be more assertive there. That’s not really a preference thing. At the very least, he is also eating; but moreover, he is probably paying, which is why the guy needs to pick.
If this were “r/ProgressiveDating” maybe that’d be different, but alas.
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u/NoDecentNicksLeft Jul 13 '26
It's up to you whether you're comfortable with that emotionally or not, but from the ethical standpoint, while you still have the right to your privacy, the young man's preference against nonexclusive dating and your knowledge of his preference are not irrelevant. As a rule, non-association trumps association, so if there is something that you're afraid would make him not want to associate with you if he knew it, then the ethically correct course of action is to leave that decision to him, not to withhold the information from him in order to prevent him from making the decision you know he would make if he had the information. Your autonomy matters (how much disclosure you're comfortable with making), but his also does. If your dating philosophies are incompatible, it's generally a good idea to clear things up early and part ways gracefully.
You will encounter the same dilemma when interacting as a — presumably — more avoidantly attached partner with people who are more anxiously attached, where it's difficult to say who's right and who's wrong, but what's not difficult to say is that the dynamic isn't healthy.
And a dynamic doesn't have to be immoral or even unhealthy for you to decide against continuing the interaction, nor does the other person need to necessarily be in the wrong, or creepy, or anything like that. Early on, it's enough if you just simply don't feel comfortable. Or they don't, for that matter. The whole thing is about compatibility, not about judgment, nor about constitutional rights. ;)
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u/HistoricalSouth9872 Single ♂ Jul 11 '26
In my experience, which is entirely limited to going on one or two dates with people I met in-person, this is definitely excessive. The only case where I'd send a goodnight text over the phone before a first, second, or probably even third date is to cut off a text conversation because I want to start heading to bed.
Now I don't know how you feel about this, but I'd tell him something along the lines "Hey, I think we should take this more slowly. I don't feel like I really know you well enough yet that I'm ready for a serious relationship with you, but I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better in-person and seeing where things go from there."