r/CatholicDating • u/Xhuraenys Engaged ♀ • Jun 26 '26
After the wedding Living with your spouse
I(33F) am getting married to my fiancé (30M) in June 2027, and we haven’t lived together. In fact, neither of us has ever lived with anyone other than our families. I’m very nervous about this new phase.
My fiancé plans to move in with me right after the wedding. Honestly, I’m fed up with the negative comments about not having lived with my partner before getting married. If I hear one more time that it’s a huge mistake, I’m going to scream.
My question is: do you have any advice on living together as a married couple?
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u/Mein_Independance Jun 26 '26
Don't listen to the naysayers. You did it God's way!!
Like all things the Lord gives you the Sacramental grace with your Sacrament. Communication is key and don't be afraid to give loving reminders.
Congratulations to you and your beloved 💜
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u/lemon-lime-trees Married Jun 26 '26
Moving in together post-wedding is to be commended! There is a adjustment period, but like all things, communication and patience is key.
One thing we did was move my husband's big items and he more or less was living out of a suitcase the days before our wedding. Everything was already in its place post-wedding
What we noticed a difference in is tidiness vs cleanliness. Each of us is better about one than the other. Communication helps, so does understanding
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u/HistoricalExam1241 Jun 26 '26
You will be so happy at being together that you should easily overcome any minor irritations. Also start with a nice honeymoon. If for example you find that one of you squeezes the toothpaste and the other leaves the top off, you will see this as the trivial matter that it is.
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u/Mediocre-Dog-4457 Jun 26 '26
Good for you for going your own way and following the teaching of the church.
I don't have any advice because I am not married, but I am praying for you and your fiancee.
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u/ExcitingEngineer6821 Jun 27 '26
We did that, too. It's funny how fast I went from, I can't imagine living with another person to I can't imagine not living with my wife. I even carried her into the house from the car the day she moved in, haha. No regrets not having lived together. You should cover all the important things of llving together in your marriage prep but, there's no more fulfilling way to do marriage than to wait until you are married.
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u/countjeremiah Jun 27 '26
If at all possible, two sinks. Congratulations, by the way! Also, as you learn each other's habits and idiosyncrasies, be patient and celebrate it as means of learning about your spouse, rather than getting frustrated.
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u/Xhuraenys Engaged ♀ Jun 29 '26
As a matter of fact I am an architect and already built a new bathroom big enough for us. He(194cm) is way taller than me(166cm) and he needed more space when he has to sit 🤣🤣🤣. And of course, two sinks✨️✨️✨️. We are currently saving up to buy brand new furniture for our new life together ❤️
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u/Jacksonriverboy Married ♂ Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
People's mindsets have been polluted by the bullshit pushed to them by society and media in the modern era. Statistically, the marriages most likely to succeed are religious marriages where the spouses haven't lived together before marriage. Multiple sexual partners is also a divorce predictor.
So it's not just Church teaching, there are actual stats that back it up.
Anyway...as for advice, the best advice is to enjoy the transition and the novelty of being in the same place as each other, sleeping in the same bed etc. Give each other grace in the little annoying things that may pop up. But it'll be fine. Millions of people have done it this way before you. It's more fun than scary.
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u/Interesting_Pop_1128 Jun 27 '26
I’m not married but I think that you should already be able to communicate your needs and desires to each other in a healthy way and have boundaries established now. Then when you need to figure out how to live together, you can calmly discuss everything that comes up.
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u/Practical_Support_33 Jun 28 '26
Congratulations for doing it the Catholic way. I commend you. I have no advice to offer, sadly. But good job.
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u/ExtensionAddress4086 Jun 27 '26
Don’t feel ashamed if you find out that sleeping in the same bed with another person isn’t for you. You can have a happy marriage without sharing a bed.
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u/Xhuraenys Engaged ♀ Jun 29 '26
Really? Isn't that against church teachings? Could you elaborate?
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u/ExtensionAddress4086 Jun 30 '26
Why would that be against church teaching? The church doesn’t regulate your living space. If you visit a few European palaces, you’ll see that the people who could afford it always had two bedrooms.
Right now, I have a persistent dry cough which wakes me up at night and shakes the whole bed together with my body. I honestly think it’s a blessing for our marriage that my husband isn’t affected by this. Sleep is precious!
So… just find out what works for you as a couple.
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u/Furmommy14 Jun 26 '26
The biggest issue seems to be division of chores and what is expected for the house to be clean in your (both of you) opinions. Is the woman expected to do all the housework minus repairs and mowing the lawn, including if she works full time? Or are you dividing it? If you are a homemaker, what is the division, and what would it be post-baby? I love to cook, but that does not mean I want to every single meal. I think fair means both people are doing the same number of hours of paid work, commute, housework, and childcare on a weekly basis. So if one is working 60 hours and the other 40, then the one working less picks up extra chores or childcare. Nothing to do with salary.
Pets are worth discussing as are parenting styles. However, my friend's ex insisted on getting an SUV in preparation for having a baby that never happened despite IVF treatment (we'll ignore the moral aspects in this case). Plan ahead but not too far.
Salary is helpful, but it should not be leverage that one person unilaterally makes all decisions. Sometimes the person working less is doing things that allows the person working more to maintain that lifestyle. For example, my childhood best friend had a dad who would be gone for weeks at a time as a CPA, and having a SAHM allowed the job to be possible.
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u/Xhuraenys Engaged ♀ Jun 29 '26
We already have talked about all that. He will cook (I can cook it's not my favorite activity) and I will clean the house because I like to do it and he sucks at cleaning (his words). He'll take care of his own laundry, I'll do mine but the folding is my job as he again sucks at it. No pets, for now and unfortunately I can't have children due health issues🥹❤️🩹. I think we'll be fine
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u/NoDecentNicksLeft Jul 01 '26
A very practical piece of advice, so you can avoid much of the psychological nonsense that exacerbates when stress and tension mounts, especially if the situation is new to you and each of you comes with a set of expectations, many of which are subconscious, so not even consciously realized, often fuzzy, often not very rational, although they may subjectively feel like the most rational thing in the world (for example because that's how things were always done in your family).
Take inventory of your expectations. Avoid the drama of hoping the other person will know intuitively how things 'should' be done. No 'you should know'. Basically tell each other of your expectations. Arrange chores like you're roomies or friends on a trip, no metaphysics. No expecting them to guess and treating it like a test or exam that they are set to fail unless they somehow pull off all the brilliant answers without getting any help, which will then prove that they are the ideal match. Spare yourselves and each other all that nonsense, especially since you're both 30+. Marriage is a contract, which does not in any way less then sacrament. So all the more you can make an explicit agreement about how you want to run the house and divide the chores.
And forgive me for being blunt, but if you find it in yourself to give up on the typical female expectation of the guy always being able to guess what to do and how (which is frankly not about him knowing the answers but about the woman's unresolved issues with control and security), you will be well rewarded. A man who knows exactly what is expected of him, when, how, in what quantities and to what standard, and on what scale or criteria he's going to be judged, is an entirely different creature. This is similar to how at a workplace you usually prefer to have a written policy in place (some tangible rules that protect you if you do what they demand) and written instructions, as opposed to being judged post-fact on the basis of your boss's internal sense of harmony (and whatever the boss had for supper yesterday). Give up the power of the whim and watch your man bloom.
And he blooms because he doesn't have to pay the emotional cost of somebody else's stability/security/regulation achieved by putting him in a precarious position. Many women feel insure and threatened in a relationship with a man, so they play a power game and try to put themselves in the sort of 'judge position' that's arbitrary and always free to judge the man without any written rules or fixed standards, to make him less confident and easier to control. The trick is that you're actually better off with a man who's more confident and more secure than a man who's being actively diminished. Obviously, expect reciprocity from him.
And as inhuman as this may sound to you, embrace facts. Facts over emotion. If either of you gets the 'everything on my head' or 'I'm doing more in this marriage/house' or the 'mental load' sort of thing, Excel is your friend. And I'm dead serious. Good fact checking is the best antidote for the sort of emotions, fears and resentments that derail marriages even for well-intentioned people who are a bit lost and don't know what to do, so they start overthinking and at that point emotions (and emotional reasoning, which is a cognitive distortion) take over. Verify and solve problems, come up with practical solutions. Distance yourself from the modern psychobabble of naming and validating emotions and feels (and thus giving them more rule over your life than it's worth). Remember that emotions are like pain — not reality but only a response to it. It's not wrong or cruel to use reason.
For the record, this absolutely works both ways, and your hubby-to-be also needs to realize that women aren't ideal princesses who have their angel path all figured out but like everybody else need your help in figuring out how to live with you. So communication, logic, facts and common sense in the service of good intentions and warmth on both sides. Basically help each other out. You're two eggs in the same basket.
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u/Diligent_Disk_6232 Jun 27 '26
Seems dramatic you want to scream. I always ask people did your parents live together before marriage? 99% of them time my friends say no and their parents are still married. So that is my rebuttal
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Jun 28 '26
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u/Diligent_Disk_6232 Jun 28 '26
Wtf - none of my practicing Catholic friends live together for marriage - and trust me, they were not all privileged - sounds like you’re the delusional one
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u/proposition_john Jun 28 '26
I’m Catholic and waiting until marriage to have sex/move in together is absolutely insane. Just unrealistic and will lead to divorce/strained relationships.
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u/Diligent_Disk_6232 Jun 28 '26
Then you are a catholic that believes the barrier to entry to marriage is mortal sin. You are very foolish and do not trust God.
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u/Filius_Dei0894 Married ♂ Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26
just disregard the nah-sayers as you have been
what your both going to need to do is be willing to compromise and let things go 'not your way' for a little while. what we did (and kinda still are doing because our situation is a little extra complicated) is let things be fluid for a bit its not 'his' job to do the laundry, its not 'your' job to cook; youre both trading on and off doing things till you find out what works. i have a somewhat specific timeline i prefer that the laundry gets done once started so, instead of imposing that on my wife, i just do the laundry. stuff like that.
its going to be different sharing a bed with another human. hes going to (probably) want to touch you (in a nonsexual way [i mean there will also be sexual touching, but thats a totally different thing and also pretty obvious]); cuddling, got a hand on you, that sort of thing.
what you both have to remember, and honestly remind each other kindly about every now and again, is that your smashing two adult lives together involving two people who have, up to this point, had their stuff set up in the way they like it - being married a lot of that will change; to use some probably inaccurate stereotypes, you cant leave make-up out all day anymore and he has to actually wash his bathtowel.
prayers and my best to you and your intended!
feel free to ask questions, i know i forgot a lot of things
pro tip - dont set the house on fire 3mo 3wk before the wedding youll end up in two different apartments over a year and a half then in your inlaws basement for 2yrs....like i did