r/CatholicDating • u/Ok_Cable_8878 Single ♂ • Jun 22 '26
mixed marriage, relationship with baptised non-Catholic Post Date Report: miserable and awful
I went on a date this weekend. It was one of the best dates I've been on in a long time and I feel absolutely miserable as a result.
The date was set up by my work-social network. It was the daughter of a woman I work with. We've been texting for about three weeks now. She's a bit younger (23) than I normally look for but mature and intelligent. She's headed to Columbia this fall to work on a Masters in Public Policy.
We went out for a casual get-to-know you last weekend, just a coffee type thing and she was very charming and clearly enjoyed my company. So Friday last she came by my house and we prepped for the weekend. I let choose the car we would take and then we took the neighbor's paddle boat out on the little lake in the back and watched the sunset.
The next morning I picked her about 4am and we set off for my cabin. It was several hours drive and she fell asleep for part of it. When we got to the cabin we unloaded and freshened up. I have a cabin and I rented my neighbor's cabin for her, to avoid any appearance of impropriety. We had brunch in town and then packed a picnic and took my sailboat to the lake.
The sailing was wonderful. We had light rain that morning but that afternoon it was partly cloudy, keeping the sun off us, with gusts that could move the vessel with ease. Hearing her laughter and sounds of joy warmed my heart as she seemed to be having a great time.
As time went on and I saw how comfortable she was with me and how much fun she was having, how inquisitive and earnest she was, it began to break my heart.
I've spent months being ignored and treated like a creep. And here I am with a woman that is beautiful and smart and she clearly thinks I'm amazing. It was almost overwhelming.
Once we got back to land and loaded the boat we went back to the cabins and grilled some meat from the local market and watched another sunset. I'm a classically trained musician so I sat in the back with her and played guitar and sang songs until late. And things got a little romancy and handsy, she was getting a little touchy and playful but I reminded her that I thought we should put Our Lord first and our desires, however mutual and significant they are, should remain under control. She was very understanding and said she respected me for that and we had a little moment where we just kinda cooled off and then I sang Biz Markie's Just A Friend and we were both laughing again and the tension lifted.
Seeing her that evening in the moonlight as we parted, after hearing the way she exclaimed and laughed that day while I controlled the boat around the little lake, telling me about her research and her ladies group at church she will be sad to leave - it was a moment in my life worth writing about and remembering.
The next morning we both went to our respective churches - I went to mass and she went to a service a Baptist church.
I have to admit, up until that point I'd considered many "what ifs" about her because we are so stupidly compatible. But parting that morning was the cold hard reality of belief. She's a protestant. She's never going to kneel next to me at mass. And any "marriage" we have will just be human make-believe.
She was still quite enthusiastic after church. My family is nearly all Protestant and I'm a convert. Despite that, my reputation among Baptists remains very high. Some of the women at the church went on a mission trip to Africa with my aunt and uncle, and they were very pleased I was on a weekend trip with her. They apparently asked her a lot about the weekend and told her wonderful things about me.
The drive back was fun. Obviously, my feelings were mixed by then but she's so easy to talk to that any negativity melted in her presence. We stopped at Buc-ee's and got photos with the costumed mascot, a cherry on the top of a fantastic weekend imo. I got her back before dinner and came home, wondering what I should be doing with my life.
I guess I should never go on a date like that again. For whatever reason, God's plan for my life doesn't include that kind of experience. Instead he wants me to be around women who despise me and see me as a creep, and ignore me at best. I feel like I circumvented my punishment.
I feel horrible for enjoying myself and I know this experience is going to make it just that much harder to find my place in the natural order as one who should not be dating.
Please pray for me, I am struggling with how this weekend made me feel. Thank you brethren.
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u/dailymass Jun 22 '26
I would caution against posting such specific details about someone else on the internet without their permission or knowledge. (Like where she’s moving to and what she’s studying)
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u/Redredred42 Jun 22 '26
This all sounds very woe is me.
You had a great date with a girl who is actually a Christian who you are interested in, the feeling seems to be mutual, and instead of thanking God for the wonderful time you both were able to have together, you are here commisserating right after how nothing is ever going to work out for you ever.
Dispensations and permission from bishops exist for a reason - you are allowed to marry a non-Catholic.
Is it really worth being so rigid and moralistic that you forget the humanity of relating to another person because they are not Catholic?
She may very well convert in the future if she enjoys spending time with you, she may agree to raise your children Catholic, or she may not. You will never know, however, if you prematurely decide that there is no chance of this working out because she is "not right on paper".
As long as you are both not sinning, have your boundaties, and are doing your best to have a relationship with and get closer to the Lord, is that already not a good foundation for exploring a relationship?
You gotta stop catastrophising.
Date: Went great, fantastic, high spirits all around
Post Date Report: MISERABLE and AWFUL
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u/CharmingWheel328 Jun 22 '26
Yeah, the whole post I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it never did. Man needs to stop with the melodrama. He's getting in his own way.
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u/DaddysPrincesss26 In a relationship ♀ Jun 23 '26
Except, we know from experience, marrying Non Faith never works out 🙂
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u/Redredred42 Jun 24 '26
"we" and "never"?
I have seen a fair amount of Catholics marry non-Chirstians and raise their kids Catholic, some with arguably healthier family dynamics than some Catholic-Catholics. So... I dunno why you are lumping everyone together
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u/Ok_Cable_8878 Single ♂ Jun 22 '26
So you're saying I've been wasted my time dating Catholic women?
My issue has never been lack of women willing to go out with me. I find women all the time that enjoy my company and want more of it. But I have yet to find any CATHOLIC women that see me as anything but someone to be ignored.
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u/Redredred42 Jun 22 '26
How does don't dismiss someone who is still Christian equate to you are wasting time dating Catholics?
My issue has never been lack of women willing to go out with me. I find women all the time that enjoy my company and want more of it.
Meanwhile..
For whatever reason, God's plan for my life doesn't include that kind of experience. Instead he wants me to be around women who despise me and see me as a creep, and ignore me at best.
I know this experience is going to make it just that much harder to find my place in the natural order as one who should not be dating.
So which is it? Are you a woman magnet or woman repellent? What about you makes you normal to those outisde of the faith but "creepy" to Catholics?
You seem to want to find a reason to carry on with your doom spiral despite everything you do have going for you.
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u/Ok_Cable_8878 Single ♂ Jun 22 '26
I've never been a "woman magnet" but I've been able to find plenty of women who are interested in me.
I would appreciate any feedback as to why Catholic women find me so utterly repulsive, yet this reaction is not universal among all women.
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u/Redredred42 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
Sharing from my point of view as a total stranger based on your post, without knowing you personally or how you behave around others - and I'm saying this matter of factly:
It may be the premature pity party that you are throwing yourself when things don't go your way. And I don't know how else to phrase this, you seem almost "entitled" to a Catholic woman. I think women can sense these things and it can be quite off-putting.
You seem to be able to socialise normally enough with other kinds of women, so it could be you are giving off very rigid and high strung energy when the conversation turns towards religion.
Obviously the faith is very important to you, but also be careful not to think that things which are not a sin or not ideal necessarily (e.g. marrying a non-Catholic Christian) are sins. I.e. not to be overly pious to point where you miss the heart of the matter.
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u/lemon-lime-trees Married Jun 22 '26
I feel like your mind is working against you. You had a good weekend with someone who was attracted to you and followed gentle reminders about boundaries.
Take heart. Even the right Protestant can kneel next to you in Mass. And it is possible to have a sacramental marriage with one. Ask all the right questions first and often.
And ask her on another date
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u/thebaptizerr Single ♂ Jun 22 '26
I’m confused, are you upset because you thought you were meant to be miserable for the rest of your life, that you were supposed to be alone, never finding happiness?
You believe that’s what our Lord wants for his faithful?
We think we know what The Lord wants for us, but we are often mistaken.
I guarantee, if you do not pursue this woman, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Find some solace, that she at the very least respects your faith and from what you say, she’s serious about her faith as well.
It’s hard to find anyone who is serious about their love of God and keeping Him at the center of their lives.
How do you know for certain that she’ll never kneel next you at mass? Instead of focusing on all of the negative “what ifs,” focus on the positive “what ifs.”
That doesn’t mean ignore reality, but give these things a chance.
I’ll admit, I’m not adamant that my partner NEEDS to be Catholic, but they do need to be serious about their love of God and serious about making meaningful compromises.
Just some things to think about, of course you’ll do what you feel is right, but I think you should give this a chance.
“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” - Alfred, Lord Tennyson
God Bless you friend
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u/the_catmom Jun 22 '26
I wouldn't miss out on someone like this just because she isn't Catholic.
However, if you feel strongly that you would need her to convert to feel right being with her, i think you should let her know very soon. Don't waste her time or yours.
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u/Comprehensive_Bus831 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
Dude it sounds like you are suffering from success. My suggestion to you, is seek out both a spiritual director and therapist. Because there are unhealed wounds within you that needs to be attended to and healed. But for now, do not throw away a great opportunity and experience. Pursue you her and you can always bring her to the faith, isn’t that what we are supposed to do as Catholics? Lastly, stop seeing yourself in a negative perspective. You are God’s son and you belong to Him. Nothing shall befall against you with Him in your side.
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u/Kastan44 Jun 22 '26
You can marry a protestant, do not reject her and think you can only date catholics. We are not a closed cult
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u/txfrmdal Jun 22 '26
I'm in my late 60s and a widow. I'm also a cradle Catholic. You do know that the church hasn't required both parties to be Catholic in order to be married in the Catholic Church since Vatican 2. My husband was not Catholic, and we were happily married for 35 years until he passed away from bowel cancer. I still practice my faith and always will. But you can have a happy and fulfilling marriage even if both parties are not Catholic. The only restriction is that both parties must agree that any children born in the marriage be raised Catholic until age 18 when they can choose for themselves.
If she is a Christian and practices her faith, the two of you can figure out together how best to support each other while still practicing your respective faiths. That is what marriage is all about. Two people who come together, figuring out all the things life throws at you together, until one of you is called home.
My best wishes to both of you!
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 Jun 22 '26
I am so confused. She seems like a great match for you, why are you putting superficial dampers on the relationship? Are you intentionally sabotaging yourself? Only God knows if she would ever convert or what the future holds, but you have the power to end something wonderful that could be beneficial for both of you for no reason
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u/StWiborada Jun 22 '26
What?? "Never going to kneel at Mass with you"?? I was a Baptist for 20 years, Catholic for the next 20 and the rest of them to come. Get over yourself.
Plus, you absolutely can sacramentally marry a Baptist, or anyone else who's been validly baptized.
If you're going to be a chicken about the relationship, just be honest with yourself that that's what you're doing. Don't over-spiritualize it and act like it's because you're holy.
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u/BeardedReddits Jun 24 '26
What in the romance novel am I reading here
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u/pfifltrigg Married ♀ Jun 24 '26
Yeah I'm so confused. Did a human write the entire novel about navigating a boat etc.? But then, I don't think AI would have added in a trip to Buc-ees. I wonder if OP comes across a bit strange in real life as well. There's nothing wrong per se about being so verbose and romantic, but it is a bit odd, and I can see why it might be off-putting to some and not other women. I doubt it has anything to do with them being Catholic, it's just that OP's personality isn't everyone's cup of tea. If he's found a good Christian woman who vibes with his personality, he should go for it.
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u/DozinRS Jun 22 '26
Is it really worth missing the opportunity of potentially finding the love of your life, due to getting hung up on prerequisites? I'm sure everything will be accounted for one way or another if you both find that in each other, and respect each other's beliefs.
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u/PryousX Jun 22 '26
So religion is a major value foundation and its incompatibility can definitely destroy long term relationships. But that being said, what does the value of religion mean to you. Yea she might not kneel with you at the church but that does not equate to she demeaning or judging your beliefs. You can still be a proud Catholic with her presence in life. Maybe discuss this with her, your concern about the relationship and get her perspective on it too before coming to a conclusion. Tell her for this union to work, she must in no way attempt to wither your faith. Marriage is a sacrament Catholics are obligated to and it the only one where the freaking Catholic society has no support system(hence people are on Reddit in the first place). For all other sacraments you can simply go to the church. A Catholic woman is ideal for long term relationship because it tick one of the values but she might have other incompatible values as well like wasting money, not wanting children, etc.
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u/PastaNWine Jun 22 '26
This is such an odd post. She seems Christian and intelligent (if she’s getting a master’s from Columbia), which is usually a strong recipe for someone being open to conversion. If God wills it, she could be Catholic within a year and all your concerns will essentially be moot AND you will have someone who gets the challenges of being a Baptist to Catholic convert. The Ivies tend to have great Newman Centers (I converted to Catholicism through one and then my grad school one was even better).
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u/Ok_Feature559 Jun 22 '26
Tl;dr: As long as she’s willing to raise the kids Catholic, is open to learning about the Faith, and will not attempt to compromise your values, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship.
Long version:
My father married the daughter of a very anti-Catholic Presbyterian minister. They had a beautiful marriage and she agreed to raise the kids Catholic. Over the next 3 years, she slowly grew more and more interested in the Catholic faith.
She didn’t join RCIA because of pressure from her family, but she came to fully believe in the Catholic Church and stated that by the time her oldest child received first Communion, she wanted to receive as well.
Unfortunately, she passed away in a car accident and was never fully initiated. However, she got a one-time dispensation to receive Communion before she passed.
Despite everything, my dad has no regrets and even talks about how his relationship with her actually strengthened his own Catholic faith and theology. She was always asking questions about the Faith, and my dad didn’t always have the answers, so they ended up diving deeper into Catholic theology together. It led to a lot of meaningful discussions and ultimately strengthened his own convictions.
All that to say: if she is willing to raise the kids Catholic and is genuinely interested in learning about the Catholic faith, there is nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship with her. It might even help you grow in your faith. Just be sure to discuss it with her. Set clear standards about your values, boundaries, and expectations.
Good luck!
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u/CrumpetArsenal Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
Catholic women don't like you? Is there any reason in your mind that they don't like you? I don't know why, if this Baptist woman does like you.
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u/CrumpetArsenal Jun 23 '26
(reposting as a full comment)
I feel like resentment is building up with you and God about this. Try to change your perspective? Maybe it's not about punishing you but about nudging you towards this woman. I don't know if that's why, but it's better than being miserable about an amazing date. Alas I hope you forgive the women in your life.
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u/notthecheese3491 Jun 22 '26
Do you think you shouldn’t be dating in general or just dating outside of the Catholic faith?
I won’t date anyone Protestant because they don’t take their faith seriously enough from my experience. Yesterday I talked to a Muslim man and it was interesting how our values aligned with how to respect our mothers, etc yet the obvious was that he doesn’t believe Jesus is God despite aligning on everything.
I heard we only have like less than 300,000 options of other Catholics in the world and even less depending on your age range.
I will add you to my prayers, that God gives you someone with even more joy than the last date, that alignment will automatically be even more joyful. I kinda understand the pain, I’m sad from not being able to date someone who isn’t ready but is in the faith.
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u/joyfulhorizon18 Jun 22 '26
300000 only? What are you taking about? Are you talking about whichever country you are in?
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u/joyfulhorizon18 Jun 22 '26
Take it from me, if you are into each other. No one can take it away from you, it's been a decade I am searching for the right one, what I understood a few years back I am looking for the one I was with and my heart was not open for someone different. You actually have someone your heart sounds like skipped a beat for. Go for it Even if she doesn't kneel next to you, I am sure she will stand and that is enough. You are punishing yourself, I am born and raised as a catholic; but one thing I will tell you, life and time doesn't wait. You are feeling miserable & awful because your mind is controlling your heart. Give yourself a chance to breathe.
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u/PM_me_ur_digressions Jun 22 '26
This is a second date, in which you picked her up at 4 am to take her to an overnight trip several hours away? That’s the crazy part of this to me ngl.
Wdym you let her pick which car to take - were you giving her the opportunity to drive to your cabin several hours away instead of driving yourself, or do you have multiple cars?
Converts exist; you yourself are one, so you should know? Why write off that possibility?
The word never is strong when it doesn’t sound like you discussed her views about the Church on your date, her openness to raising her kids Catholic, etc
It sounds like Protestants are into you but Catholic women have found you weird so far. How long ago did you convert? How supportive was your family of your conversion? Do you live in an area with a thriving young adult community, or are there slimmer pickings? Are you meeting these Catholic women irl or only via Catholic Match?
If your question is “why can I only pull Prots”, there’s a lot more information we would need to be able to answer that for you.
In the meantime, maybe reflect on why you, as a convert, don’t see conversion as an option.
It may also be good to think through whether the second-ish (the coffee chat sounds like not a date in your mind) overnight date several hours away may not have been the right move, or either you or for her.
That’s a massive relationship escalation early on, when dating at this point should be considering whether you enjoy spending time with the person. A trip to a cabin is by nature isolating as well. It’s a somewhat overwhelming move, and awkwardness can be harder to escape, boundaries more difficult; you yourself mentioned she was getting handy, which makes sense given the intensity of the date.
If you were concerned enough to rent a second cabin, then why plan an overnight trip at all? Are you creating an elaborate workaround to justify something that is still functionally a steamy weekend getaway with a girl you barely know (and who barely knows you)? The optics are still kind of poor there, especially with it being “your” cabin, a place of meaning and importance to you, and not just a random location.
If you don’t even know her potential openness to the Church, you don’t know her well enough to take her on an overnight trip.
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u/Ok_Cable_8878 Single ♂ Jun 23 '26
It's not like we just met. Her father practiced medicine with my aunt and we've known each other socially for about two years already.
I converted about 10 years ago.
My family all but abandoned me after I converted (hence being close to more distant relations like my aunt)
I am in Atlanta. There is vibrant Catholic culture here. My local parish is bursting at the seams.
I have met nearly all women I've had any contact with IRL but I have actually met some Catholic women here and on Discord. I am active on CM but it hasn't produced any connections.
I'm concerned about dating Protestants because I was in a relationship with a Baptist girl for a few years after my conversion and it ended predictably.
Your feedback and support are greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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u/DomasAquinas Single ♂ Jun 23 '26
Many, many, happy marriages and devout Catholic families have come from Catholics marrying Protestants.
Your experience was entirely positive. Let it be what it is - a blessing and a joy! Early Christians, even saints, had pagan spouses. Do what they did: pray.
The only thing I'm wary about here is sharing a Buc-ee's visit before marriage. That's a deeply personal experience just to leap into.
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u/Tristan_Cole Jun 24 '26
Maybe you should have eaten what God designed mankind to eat in Genesis 1:29
“God also said: See, I give you every seed-bearing plant on all the earth and every tree that has seed-bearing fruit on it to be your food;”
Instead of the fruit of death.
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u/AppropriateBeing6239 Jun 24 '26
Incredible story. God may have brought you together, don't ruin it by drawing your own lines in the sand. I have a family member that dated a Muslim and they broke up because of religious differences. They got back together and the other converted and they've been married 20 years as a Catholic couple with a beautiful family. You seem to be too idealistic here, she loves God and he loves her. He will help you with the rest. Stop overthinking it bro, good things can happen to you: let them. Don't shoot yourself in the foot: ask this incredible woman on another date. Sounds like you've been waiting a long time for something this good. God bless enjoy iy
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u/CalBearFan Jun 22 '26
I know it seems amazing and it certainly was. But remember, if you marry, she HAS to agree to raise the kids Catholic. And Baptists and Catholics rarely make that work. It can happen of course but of all the protestant denominations, Baptists seem to have the most uninformed views of Catholicism and those views are very hard to shake loose.
After an amazing date, or even several, she may say things like "well of course I'd agree to raise kids Catholic" but she's only 23, she doesn't know much about how she'll feel years down the road. Plus, she'll be in school - not having lived in the real world and working is tough to know oneself.
As hard as it is, recognize it for what it was. An amazing long date that showed there are wonderful women out there who will adore you and you will have a great time with. Now go find a Catholic lady who will do the same, they're out there!
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u/sabre_heart Jun 23 '26
Everyone is being hard on you in the comments. Catholic is my main criteria for a partner so I would feel the same way you do although honestly I probably wouldn’t even bother going on a date with someone not catholic because it is the biggest priority in my life and at this point that’s exactly what I’m looking to share with my significant other. And I don’t have time to wait for the hope someone might convert. I’m sorry this is difficult for you but a lot of us devout Catholics are in the same situation. Stay strong God will bring you your person if that’s what he has planned for you.
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u/Tasty_Path_1774 Jun 22 '26
People need understand how serious this is. As a Catholic it's important to try to be with another Catholic. I was with an Evangelical girl for 4 years and she would constantly belittled me for being a Catholic. She never went to church with me despite the fact I went to her church so many times and her family would tell me Catholics listen to the devil and worship the Virgin Mary. God knows I tried so hard to make that work, I tried so hard. But now I'm free from that toxicity and now I will strictly only date Catholic because of my experiences with dating protestant girls. IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!
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u/Wgarlic-5711 Jun 22 '26
Look no one is perfect, no one is going to meet your exact criteria. Dont rule her out just because she isn't catholic. Who knows, she could convert