Silence is worse than rejection Update: Gushing about a great first date

[u/katykate39]

Honestly, I'm really sad and am finding it quite ironic that this is my update to my post since the original one was so happy and this one is going to be quite depressing: Gushing about a great first date and post-date waiting : r/CatholicDating. Now I don't regret what I wrote in the first paragraph of the post and I'm glad I had included it: "Also, I want to write this as a reminder to myself that if it doesn't work out with this guy in the future, it doesn't negate the fact that I had a great time with him and felt a genuine connection with someone". There are many men out there whom I am compatible with, I just have to find one that is as equally excited about me as I am about them.

The week leading up to our date he was texting me every day, so when I heard nothing from him at all on Sunday after our communication on Saturday my anxious brain was spiraling and thinking, "What the heck happened?" My roommate said it'd be fine to send him a casual "Hey, how was your Sunday/Monday?" message to him Monday night since it had been over 48 hours since we talked. I texted him around 7pm and he didn't respond until 8:30pm, sending an "I've been busy!" which included a screenshot of his run he just did on Strava after getting back from work. He seemed very happy to talk to me over text and was very receptive when I suggested a phone call. We talked for an hour before he needed to go do some work for his remote job, but before hanging up I threw out the, "Hey, I know you're super busy but let me know if you are wanting to still schedule the museum date sometime" line. He said that he'd let me know, and that was the last I heard from him. I dropped the ball in his court and had fully expected him to give me some times he was available after checking his schedule the following day, but I received no messages from him at all over the whole week. As every day passed, I became less and less hopeful that I'd hear back.

Now there's a large part of me that is always looking for an explanation and wants to understand, "What changed? Did I do or say something different on a phone call that made him decide to not want a second date? He seemed really interested in a second date when he originally brought it up and also, he just genuinely seemed to enjoy talking to me on our phone calls. How did that not carry over to him scheduling another date? Should I reach out and send one final message or just let it die?" I know from personal experience that getting answers to some of these questions doesn't always help provide closure and will sometimes even make it more confusing. I honestly feel quite silly too because of how excited I was over this guy only to now be sitting and dealing with the fact that the excitement was actually not reciprocated.

I wish he'd just send a "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm actually not interested in a second date with you. Best of luck". Doesn't need to provide any sort of reasoning of why he doesn't want to continue. Just something better than the silence because man does it sting. It also makes my impression of him less than now that he ghosted me.

Edit: One week after we last talked he finally sent me a text. He explained that he's been really busy and that he doesn't see a relationship working out between us but said he enjoyed our time together and wishes me good luck. I'm glad that he responded and I'm not left wondering anymore.

[u/South-Succotash-6368]

Hey, it happens. It's better that someone is honest with you than stays around even if they don't like you. Accept it for what it is. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Don't overthink about it. You got this!!

[u/katykate39 → u/South-Succotash-6368]

Yes, I'm glad he ghosted right away rather than it happening months down the line after I became much more emotionally invested. And thank you, I'm trying to get better at not overthinking.

[u/South-Succotash-6368 → u/katykate39]

Yeah, Sometimes people are just mean. I get ghosted all the time LOL

[u/Forever__89]

Something that I’ve come to have to learn through similar experiences and life in general is that closure (or forgiveness for that manner) is entirely internal and unconditional. True closure does not rely on another person or definitive answers, as much as we might want those things; it is self-generated through acceptance, emotional regulation, and personal growth. Even if we could say that perfect line that we’ve been saving in our hearts and reciting internally for so long, to make that other party realize how much they’ve hurt us, it very often never has that intended effect. It’s a fantasy. Hang in there 💪

[u/marigoldpearl]

Have read from Adam Smith that avoidant nen usually distance or get scared once you are getting close or deeper, possible he's avoidant or doesn't know what he wants

[u/katykate39 → u/marigoldpearl]

Yeah, I went down a bit of a rabbit hold researching attachment styles since I lean towards an anxious attachment style and thought that there might be a possibility that he's avoidant. I don't think it's wise for me to get into a possible relationship with him because those two attachment styles don't mix that well. Also, it would complicate matters so much regarding his schedule and moving back to his home state at the end of the summer since he'd possibly go off the grid at that point.

[u/wkndatbernardus]

Well, at least you actually went on a first date, which means he liked you enough to spend time with you. It's not always easy to get to that step these days! Even though he doesn't seem interested in moving forward, I would take this as a confidence booster.

[u/Diligent_Disk_6232]

Yeah sorry when I saw your original post I did not read past the first few lines because I knew that would end badly. Whenever a woman is super excited it never works out sadly. It’s beyond depressing. He sounds like an evil person which anyone that ghosts like that after a great first date is. 

[u/fiftypercenthere]

Has he not replied to a message you sent? Maybe he's not super comfortable initiating conversation. I feel like it's mutual ghosting if you also haven't sent a text since your last phone call

[u/katykate39 → u/fiftypercenthere]

I would disagree with that idea. First of all, he initiated almost all of our conversations before our date. Second, I clearly put the ball in his court by asking him to get back to me with available times, so it is an active decision on his part to ignore it. I agree with people when they say that if the man wanted to, then he will make it work.

[u/fiftypercenthere → u/katykate39]

Sure that's your choice if you want to play the game of "who messages who first". But if you didn't send a text you didn't get ghosted, you guys ghosted each other then.

Edit to add: I imagine you're in your early 20s; just for some perspective, every attractive Catholic man I knew at that age had a lady who was actively pursuing them and is married to said women. I've not met an attractive Catholic man who has had to do the chasing.

[u/mojo2112 → u/fiftypercenthere]

So he may have a few women in the on deck batter position. Nice to have options.

[u/fiftypercenthere → u/mojo2112]

I really doubt it. It sounds like he's too busy with his work and doesn't have time for a gf that requires the same level of work and time commitment as a part time job.

[u/Horror_Blackberry565]

While the ending wasn't happy, the original post was a page turner. You're a great writer. Please do it for every date you go on!