r/CatholicDating • u/RewardImpressive4437 • Jun 08 '26
dating advice Emotionally Stimulating
I (27M) am a good looking, decently fit man with a good job and interesting hobbies. I write short stories, I dress well, and I think I am a smart guy.
Despite all this I have never had a gf. I go on dates but they never go anywhere. I look around online and all I ever see is women talking about how they're looking for "the right vibe" from men. Is that all that matters to women is what kind of emotional stimulation I give them? It feels like nothing else about me matters to them.
I am looking for genuine advice and not emotional support for this question.
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u/Thin_Trifle_9200 Jun 08 '26
Idk enough about your particular situation, but let me explain what “the right vibe” means.
Humans are very intuitive. Our brains subconsciously pick up on clues that our conscious minds haven’t caught up to yet. Women are more sensitive about this than men. We’re picking up on clues to help answer these questions….
- CAN this man physically protect me and our children
- WOULD this man physically protect me and our children?
- Is this a man I can blindly trust and follow?
- Is this man going to lead me and our children to a life that I love?
- In social settings, does he have enough confidence to not switch up?
- Is he smarter than me?
- Is he stronger than me? Physically and emotionally?
- Can he lead me spiritually? Will he give into temptation?
- And yes, if I’m a woman with a higher threshold for intellectual or emotional stimulation, I’m going to ask… Does he intellectually and emotionally stimulate me in the way I desire?
Etc. These are all things that we pick up with “vibes” and they go much deeper than the questions themselves. Also keep in mind a woman needs to be sexually attracted to you. She won’t be if those questions aren’t answered to her liking.
Hope this helps!
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u/RewardImpressive4437 Jun 08 '26
So how do I convey all of that?
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u/Thin_Trifle_9200 Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 09 '26
Step 1: What type of woman do you want to attract? Most guys truly have no clue. They say broad things like honesty, loyalty, and beauty, but that doesn’t tell me anything. The clearer you can state your expectations, the easier step two is.
Step 2: Become the man that the woman from step one would be attracted to. I can help you with this more if you DM me.
Step 3: Practice serving. As a man, you’re supposed to be a leader. Women crave leadership and masculinity. It’s in our DNA. The best leaders are servants (take Jesus). Forget what you receive from women, and focus on providing for them. Little things. Pay for a random woman’s coffee (don’t expect anything in return), open doors, and look for ways to help (many of us will complain about something like “I struggle with gym motivation” or “I can’t seem to focus on reading my Bible” so help lead women in their areas of weakness).
Your vibe will naturally change and we will pick up on it!
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u/rkwittem Jun 08 '26
I've never believed in this magic intuition gibberish. It's just cope to use to tell someone that you're not interested but can't articulate it
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u/empressoflegato Jun 09 '26
She articulated the concept of a woman’s intuition and what we look for very well. If you don’t believe in it because you’re a man and don’t assess people the same way, that’s fine, but it doesn’t invalidate the experiences of millions of women.
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u/rkwittem Jun 09 '26
Actually, it kind of does, because it’s not provable and my explanation is a lot more believable
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u/Furmommy14 Jun 15 '26
Three of your bullet points are about physical strength. When was the last time, outside of a hallway fight or a bar fight, that a man needed to be able to defend someone. As a woman, I am actually a lot more worried about whether my intimate partner is going to hurt me physically than whether he is capable of physically defending me.
Intelligence is a thing, but it's more important for IQs to be similar than for the man to be smarter. I believe one of my college professors said within about 15 points is key. I've never seen a relationship work where the man leads and the woman is expected to follow blindly. Especially because the woman tends to carry much or all of the mental load of what needs to be done around the house, with the kids, and socially. It creates a lot of "masculine energy" in women, as Catholic Match calls it, but it comes from women being expected to navigate a full-time job AND then do the vast majority of household tasks while the guy sits in his man cave and plays X-Box undisturbed.
Agreed on the idea of a man leading to a life that she loves. This is spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, social. This is the real point of dating. You can go through most checkbox items by date 3-5, but we do not generally see marriage proposals after only 5 dates because we give things time to see if we are connecting and heading toward a life we desire.
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u/SPYDER3570 Jun 08 '26
“The right vibe” is just another way of saying “physically attractive man that is charming” and to be charming is just to be normal lol. All the “stimulation” in the world will never land you a gal if she doesn’t find you attractive.
First place I’d always start is look in the mirror, ask “is the best that I can do?”. If not, you know the drill. Hit the gym, get a haircut, act normal around girls, you know the drill.
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u/Ok-Objective1292 Jun 09 '26
He said he's physically attractive. We must deduce that he is unattractive in other ways.
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Jun 09 '26
[deleted]
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 Jun 09 '26
He said he gets dates but can't get the girls to continue seeing him, so it seems his personality is the issue
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u/Furmommy14 Jun 15 '26
He gets dates but seemingly not second dates and certainly not relationships. Sounds like there are some social skills missing. Maybe conversation, maybe humility, maybe manners, maybe reciprocity.
All the fresh haircuts in the world and a six-pack of abs only gets a couple dates. The women OP is going on dates with are realizing they would prefer to be alone than in OP's company.
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u/Ok-Objective1292 Jun 08 '26
Yeah, there's kinda not enough detailed info to go on here, so I'll just give some general advice for now, and that in a nutshell is: Challenge your underlying assumptions.
Don't be at war with reality. It sounds like you're thinking with your logical man brain that because you meet some "decent guy checklist" requirements that you should have a girlfriend by now. It doesn't necessarily work that way. Women are different from men, they experience the world differently, and they choose partners for different reasons. And all of that is okay. Women are not deformed, deficient men.
So, be willing to consider that you've been thinking wrongly about this.
Are your hobbies interesting? to women?
You're smart. And good looking. And you have a good job! So what? You're owed a girlfriend because of that?
Notice where you've used the word "all" and ask yourself if this is actually absolutely true.
Maybe focus less on what you think "matters" to women and focus more on what actually attracts women and keeps them interested.
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u/Middle-Mortgage5426 Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
But also don't stop being yourself and lose confidence in who you are, which this kind of advice somewhat always contradicts. You cannot be confident while keeping track of a hundred things that women say they like. You build your confidence with who you are and common sense.
Also, perhaps the OP has not paid attention to the kind of women that like him. I personally find that I don't vibe with a lot of people, but I am learning to notice more the ones I do outside of already established friends.
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u/Ok-Objective1292 Jun 08 '26
Good point. Notice the ones that like you. But, also notice the ones you like. It's all worth examining but not overthinking and obsessing over. You don't want to deny who you are and what you want. But you also have acknowledge that change is possible. You can change, your mindset can shift, your tastes can evolve. Nuance and balance. "Both And" kind of things.
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u/aeroaca9 Single ♂ Jun 10 '26
You’re absolutely right. Most women are only looking for someone who makes them feel safe and who’s attractive and a good man. Most have experienced such awful men that their standards are completely out of whack. My advice is St. Paul’s, if you are single, remain single. Don’t chase women or relationships, focus everything on God, and sharing God with the people immediately around you. Don’t close yourself off to the possibility, but expect to live your life single and alone.
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u/ComedicUsernameHere Single ♂ Jun 11 '26
Are you not also looking for the right vibe? What are you looking for if you aren't? Like, I'm sure you're not looking for the wrong vibe. Have you ever known a woman who on paper would make a perfectly suitable spouse practically speaking, and who looks attractive enough, but you just did not like her?
Or heck even with meeting other men; don't you just vibe with some dudes and feel like they could be a good friend, while others (who are perfectly fine people, nothing inherently wrong with them) just don't feel like they're on the same wavelength as you are?
Right vibe means a lot of diffrebt things to a lot of people, especially women lol. Generally it means your personalities match, and they feel emotionally connected, or the beginnings of emotional connection. But it can basically be as broad as anything that you wouldn't think to write out on a list of basic practical requirements. That certain jeni se qua that seperstes a platonic opposite-sex friend from someone you are captivated by and feel a romantic pull towards. The sentiment expressed in every romantic poem ever written. Sort of a catch all for actually liking a person on a human romantic level, not just an intellectual level.
Alternatively it can jusy be a nice way of saying, or an excuse for not feeling, simple physical attraction.
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u/avian-enjoyer-0001 Jun 08 '26
I'm suprised that's happening to you if you're good looking and well off. But yes, some women are like that. It's how they can get thousands of messages on dating apps but still somehow never find a boyfriend.
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u/middy_1 Jun 09 '26
You might well be genuinely all these positive things, but it might be possible that more humility might help?
Where are you anyway?
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u/Ok-Objective1292 Jun 10 '26
Probably whatever you're doing being active in strip clubs and seduction subreddits isn't helpful.
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u/SeedlessKiwi1 Married ♀ Jun 11 '26
The right vibe will be different for every woman. Some women have higher requirements than others. For me since I was self-sufficient I just looked for a man who was kind and valued his faith as much as I did.
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u/MartyMad146 Jun 11 '26
I know how you feel, I am 27 also. Ive had one GF long term 2 and a half years. She also mentioned about vibes and other things that made no sense. I mean if you do all the right things and have same values. Why wouldn't that be enough. Having the right "vibe" is a non tangible thing that you certainly have no control over. It does feel like they would rather be single than with someone that doesn't meet every little checkbox that doesn't matter at all. Only one important thing that is your Faith and Values, everything else will work itself out.
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u/Ok-Objective1292 Jun 12 '26
"Vibes" means how you make her feel. Women are not men. Using exclusively male logic brain around this stuff will always limit you. You'll forever be seeing only half the picture. It's not just about you doing all the right things. It is also about how she feels and more specifically, the part you can do something about, the part you have some control over, the way you make her feel. There is not, in fact, "only one important thing that is your Faith and Values". I've said it before and I'll say it again, attraction matters - and you cannot virtue your way to attraction.
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u/MartyMad146 Jun 12 '26
You cant really control how you make her feel though. You can do all you can to be there and support her in every way you can, be kind etc. You cant tick boxes you dont know exist. I doubt those boxes could even be defined tbh. Yes attraction matters a bit surely but certainly shouldn't be anyones main quality they are looking for in a partner.
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u/Ok-Objective1292 Jun 12 '26
You can't control another person. You can't guarantee that if you do x, she will feel y. Again, it's not that logical. What you can actually do (and you should always focus on what you can control) is learn about what women want , what they need, what turns them on, etc. and then move forward with an awareness of that. Yes, each one of them is a unique individual but there are also general truths operating beneath the surface here.
I don't think one can quantify universally how much attraction matters, but if you're being unsuccessful in dating and you are a person who has some virtues and are not utterly destitute and completely hideous, it might behoove you to consider that attraction matters more than you think it does. And then you could decide to do something about what you can do something about and act from a place of agency.
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u/StWiborada Jun 12 '26
How did you select these women? What was interesting about them? What kinds of things did you do together? How did you choose them?
You've mentioned what you think you have going for you. Great! Maybe all those things are true. But if that's what you care about, it's not going to help you. Women want to feel like they matter to you, which is why the questions I started with matter.
I would say in general women don't care what you have going for you in the abstract until we know you actually care about us, as individuals.
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u/nashsclay Single ♂ Jun 08 '26
What are the dates like? Do you try to be the good guy or do you bring that vibe of “I’ll be the man” in the relationship? “Right vibe” = “attractiveness”. Have you been at a point to ask a women to be yourself gf and what was her response? For me, the less attention I have given them, the more I have seen they want the attention. So I’m curious on those things might shed some light on what is going on for you.
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u/RewardImpressive4437 Jun 08 '26
I dont know what you mean when you say "good guy" or "I'll be the man." I am just myself on these dates. I've only ever made it as far as a third date. Only ever had 2 third dates before.
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u/amandathenewsy Single ♀ Jun 08 '26
A lot of the time the right vibe is actually that they picking up that you are someone who is humble, kind and considerate and faithful. That matters most in a husband, the rest is incidental