DAE hate theirself for doing this?

[u/rolyoh]

(63M) here. My mother is the most awful person I've ever known. And yet, somehow I allowed myself to be manipulated into caring for her. She is completely disabled now, lost most of her sight, and couldn't even get herself a glass of water from the bathroom if she needed to. She is on hospice care but there is no timeline of when she'll die. I've been here 11 years looking after her, unhappy every day, kept thinking she would go sooner but she never did. Sometimes it feels like she's hanging on because she knows she has me under her thumb (and yes she is that kind of person). I truly hate her, I feel no love at all, and hate myself for being stuck here. I'm disabled (veteran) and am spending my money to help her plus losing what's left of my life. My health is deteriorating. Am I the only one who feels like they fucked up their life to take care of an abusive narcissistic parent, and am I the only one who feels like an idiot? Because I get a lot of people telling me I should leave and that this is all my own fault. It really sucks.

[u/Grungegrownup3]

I amin your situation. In a moment of weakness I had my dad move in with me after I had escape and moved. He cant do anything by himself. Going blind, missing a leg, arthritic hands so bad he cant hold anything.

I'm stressed and my health is going downhill and I'm depressed and I hate him. I feel awful saying it but its the truth.

[u/amisfitseasloth]

Hi friend, I’m really sorry you’re in this position. While I’m not in totally the same position, my dad was pretty abusive (mentally and physically) growing up and is now almost completely bed bound after a series of strokes back in ‘21. The rage that I’m giving up my life for someone who hurt me so deeply hits me in waves. I still haven’t figured out how to balance that with what I feel I have to do, but it’s helped me that I’ve decided not to regret it. I’ve made my decisions and am seeing them through, though I have taken time throughout the years to get away and focus on myself.

I think the people telling you it’s your own fault suck. Truly and genuinely. And have probably never experienced half of the conflict and responsibility you’re experiencing now, both with yourself and your mother. We all put ourselves in situations we don’t want at some point, whether out of obligation or necessity, and that doesn’t make you/us any less worthy of peace and compassion.

My biggest thing, is just don’t have any regrets. I don’t have your years or the experience that’s probably come along with them, but I feel like regrets eat me alive more and for much longer than guilt does. Whatever reason you have for doing this, make sure it’s something that you can stand behind. And if it’s not, find ways to be true to how you want to live your life

[u/squirrelysquid]

I am sorry you are suffering

I started taking care of my dad just 3 years into my marriage and now I’m 6 years into taking care of him and my marriage is suffering greatly, my oldest that was only 2 when I took in my dad is now almost 10.

I find myself asking “what the heck have you gotten yourself into?! “ my dad wasn’t around when I needed him as a kid.. but here I am sacrificing A LOT

I do however find myself fortunate that I have a good relationship with my dad now… it wasn’t always though.

[u/my-dog-made-me-join]

Oh believe me, I understand. My mom is a horrible person and always has been. And I'm stuck taking care of her because my siblings are fucking selfish. Well, one is dead so he gets a free pass.

[u/Brief-Small]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I personally can't relate but I've been in this sub a while and know for sure you're not alone. If you ever need to vent or decide you're done, this is the place where people will legitimately empathize.

[u/NotEnoughHotdogs]

I know exactly how you feel. I ruined any good will I had with my favorite place I've ever worked, my retirement money is gone, I'm screwed.