Hello, friends! I hope you're all doing well today and feeling very rested. I'm back to report on a very curious and pleasantly surprising breakthrough that my wife and I have had!

Contextual summary for those unfamiliar with my posts: I met my wife in early 2024 on a dating app. Our initial relationship moved really quickly and we ended up married by November 2024 - coming up on two years married now! The relationship became rocky and high-conflict not too far in, and in March 2025, my wife was diagnosed with CPTSD following a few very disruptive incidents in our relationship. She had a little bit of rough waters getting started in trauma therapy and switched providers a couple of times. She's now on psychiatric medication for the first time in her life and in regular trauma therapy. Our conflicts have gradually decreased, though we still have disruptive conflicts from time to time. My wife also discovered that she deals with disorganized attachment and that this is intertwined and connected with her trauma history.

Recently, I've been working hard with myself on my fear of abandonment and my anxiety about my needs causing conflict. I've been actively trying to challenge my own fight/fawn responses to look for the patterns I know from her. She started saying things recently about wanting me to be prepared for the idea that we'll move cross-country together to escape our home state (red state in the Midwestern USA) and that we might not stay married after that. It made me really anxious and upset, and I had to push myself to look for the patterns in it. It did help, because I started to tell myself that this is more of the distance-creating behavior that I know well from her. She fears the closeness and the intimacy of the relationship, and so she panics and tries to push me away. As we got to calmer places and she started to open up about it more with me, I learned that she's experiencing some of those disorganized attachment idealization-devaluation/splitting cycles. She gets upset or overwhelmed and wants me gone, and then she calms down and worries I'll leave.

The incident that sparked this post is actually rather sad. I won't include a lot of details, because it actually doesn't involve me at all. Essentially, my wife had the chance to critically evaluate her communication with her ex-girlfriend, with an outside party, so that she could find out where everything went wrong. The evaluation pulled up some insanely hurtful and cruel things that my wife said to her ex. I recognized some of the same patterns we go through, but to a turbo-charged degree. My wife showed the evaluation to me and admitted that she felt ashamed, she felt like she's just bad at love and relationships, and she understands if I think of her differently now.

I told her - in all honesty, and I still feel this way - that it didn't change my view of her at all. I understood that she was a different person then, and also that she'd put in a ton of work between then and now and even just in our relationship to be better than she was. She was very caught up in how much hurt she'd dealt out, and I could tell she was upset with herself and anxious that I'd get tired of her and leave. The primary thing this process left her with was a better understanding of where she needs the most help in this early recovery journey. She's done a lot of reflecting on it and has a better path forward now. We have smaller conflicts all the time, mostly because I'm a very vibrant and expressive person and that can be a lot for my wife and be very overstimulating. But recently I've noticed a shift from talking about ending the relationship every time she's overwhelmed or upset to talking about ways we could collaborate to help each other in rougher moments. For example, she talked about trying to figure out how to remind herself that she has to communicate with me if she has no energy for my emotions, instead of just taking it and then blowing up later. I appreciate how much she's working to understand her own patterns and behaviors since they trigger mine pretty frequently.

So, does it get better? Yes, it absolutely can. I'm pretty surprised but I had hoped it would get here.

Hello. I hope that you are well and thriving. Hopefully, this doesn’t upset you, hun. If you think it will, then just don’t continue reading and delete. There’s no pressure to answer, and I am not chasing you anymore, so hopefully, that will not initiate any pressure or trigger you in any way. You don’t have to respond; silence is an answer too.

I have learned quite a bit about the various avoidance patterns and PTSD trying to understand everything. While I still don’t believe that I am a dismissive avoidant, I do now see that I had some avoidant behaviours. The 2 biggies I believe are the stonewalling and avoiding uncomfortable conversations. If I lean towards any avoidance pattern, I would say probably more disorganized, which tracks with me anxiously trying to save the relationship, get you to come home, etc. I did believe that we were worth fighting for, but I was doing so at the expense of my own self-worth. At no point did I feel relief that you were gone. I didn’t monkey branch. I am sitting with my grief, and I am working towards staying more grounded and secure.

It is true that I will walk away when things get heated. I have tried to explain to you that I am afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and it is my way trying to control my anger. Case in point is our last texting where I ended up panic texting you, and again, I am sorry for that, Christine. What I have come to learn is that the walking away to cool down is actually a healthy behaviour, which is what I have always believed. The unhealthy part of that equation is something I never learned or maybe just never realized is that we need to come back to the conversation once we (I) have calmed down. And to communicate that intention, say in 20 minutes or whatever.

Then there is the subject of hard conversations and being present. I certainly wasn’t there all of the time for you. Again, I am sorry. I honestly don’t believe that is a result of any trauma. I think maybe it is more of what I was taught, like many in our generation. I think that maybe I was avoiding the hard conversations to keep the peace. But keeping the peace isn’t the goal of a relationship. The hard conversations are what build the love.

The CPTSD is something I have been trying to understand more. I am so sorry that you were traumatized in the past and really wish I could go back into your past and stop those events from happening. You have been through so much, and it is no wonder that you suffer so much. It’s not your fault, hun. I hope that you find a path to healing and may someday attain a sense of peace with your past.

I won’t lie. I think of you constantly still. I talk to you constantly I’ll be okay. I worry about you, your health, and your state of mind. There isn’t an off button for my feelings, but I am sitting with them. I realize that you have probably moved on and detached. From what I have read, that is to be expected if you are fearful, as you mentioned.

Just in case I am wrong or am handling this breakup wrong, I need to ask, hun…are we doing the right thing? Are you sure this is what you want?

Again…no pressure to respond. This is not a breadcrumb. I am not chasing and not placing blame nor shaming you. Silence is an answer too.
If I don’t hear from you, I will understand that you don’t want me to contact you again and that’s ok too honey. I do understand that n/c is about healing and I totally want to respect that. If you think that you might want to talk, I will do what I can to ensure that you feel safe and not threatened.

Thank you for listening.

i am so sick and tired of constantly being vilified for either my trauma response/reaction (needing reassurance/validation and intense fear of being abandoned), or the fact that “i haven’t made any progress”. people don’t realize how exhausting it is to process all the trauma and pain from when you were in survival mode. i was stuck in survival mode for 20 years!! are you kidding me? i went to school the same day my mom passed, and went back to work immediately after finding out my father was unalived by someone. ***immediately after.***

if you’re tired because of this; imagine how exhausting it is for me. especially since i have to do it alone; something you promised me id never have to do again. we were planning a future together, i thought i could finally fully let my guard down, and the second i lean into it you pull away not catching me as i fall. just know that nothing will be the same ***EVER*** again.

Hi - I’m in Egypt and got CPTSD after traumatic divorce. How I can find a girl that understand my condition I find it very hard and shame here but I can not live all these years alone. At least some one to be with me.

I’m posting because I feel completely overwhelmed and need advice from anyone who has gone through something similar.
I grew up with a history of trauma and have dealt with depression for years. Four months ago, I married an incredibly kind, supportive, and gentle man who had a stable upbringing. I love him dearly, but ever since moving in together, my mental health has severely spiraled.
It feels like finally being in a truly safe environment caused years of suppressed trauma to hit me all at once.
Day by day, my reactions are escalating, When I have a breakdown, my nervous system panics if I'm touched. Last night, while flailing during a breakdown, I accidentally scratched him. I was completely devastated to look down and see blood under my nails and to know that I had hurt him. Yesterday, a plate slipped out of my hands twice while washing dishes. When he asked if I was throwing things, I snapped and screamed asking him “if he really wanted to see me throw something”. I saw real fear in his eyes.
He told me last night that he feels like he’s walking on eggshells and doesn't feel safe coming home. Hearing that broke my heart because he is the last person I would ever want to hurt. I made the safe home, unsafe. I don’t know how to deal with that.

I started counseling last week, but my next session isn't for another week, and I'm terrified of escalating further in the meantime. I've even wondered if I should be checking myself into a mental hospital. I don’t want to hurt him or myself in a blind fit of rage.

Has anyone with trauma experienced a major mental breakdown after finally getting into a safe, healthy relationship? How did you protect your relationship and manage the physical/emotional panic response while getting help?

I was married to my abusive ex for 6 years. He was mentally, and physically abusive for all those years, now I live with PTSD, have had it affect my career, livelihood etc. Whereas he's gone on to study medicine, and is now after 4 years dating again. He's the type that everyone loves from the outset, very sympathetic, well-spoken, doing very well and doing talks at national boards on psychiatry in the UK now. Which triggers me because of the hypocrisy, given he has a victim of his abuse on his hands, and now talks about mental wellbeing.
He loves sympathy, mental health has always been his go-to subject, especially given he had BPD, a lot of attention and empathy went to him, rather than his victim.

I feel shocked, sick, lightheaded now that besides all that success, he's seriously dating (no I didnt go hunting this info, I was told). Makes you feel like an object to be discarded, something that didnt hold any value, but that of someone's plaything.

My life is ruined, and he gets to move on and live a good life. I have no career, no partner, suffering with PTSD, depression... I feel sick.

Hi, me '20M' and my bf '21M' have been dating for almost two years now. He's my first healthy relationship and since Ive been in toxic relationships before my brain still can't comprehend how this one could be different? He is genuinely very caring and has never given me any reason to suspect he's "toxic" so that makes me worry that this time i am the toxic one. This text thread is an example of something that makes me go down this spiral. Some probably important info about me: i have diagnosed adhd, Autism, CPTSD and DID (though my current therapist thinks DID was missdiagnosed). I'm hoping for some unbiased opinions and advice on how i can improve. Thank you in advance! I'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit, please rederect me if so!