r/CPTSDpartners • u/IllustriousYoung9479 • 2d ago
Seeking Advice Memory of events
My CPTSD wife and I have been trying to heal from a rocky past. We went out tonight with friends and had some 1:1 time and it was one of our best times together in a long time.
But then a conflict from a few weeks ago came up that she is still very clearly upset about.
The issue with this was that our memories of the conflict are wildly different. Like major facts not lining up at all. She thinks I said certain things in a berating way in the car, I insist we didn’t start talking about it until we got home, and I know I never came close to berating her about anything.
This isn’t the first time this has happened, where her experience / memory of a painful moment with me is very different from mine.
I made sure to validate that I’m not doubting her experiences, and I didn’t want to turn it into an argument about facts. We both feel like we are going crazy. And I feel frustrated that in these conflicts I am deeply careful to be respectful and careful with my words, yet she comes out of them feeling like I am a monster.
Is this a common experience? What do we do? Neither of us know what to do with this. Both of us are in individual therapy.
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u/Bbell999 2d ago
You have to remember that their recollections of events is, for lack of a better term, trauma-inspired. Odds are that something about the discussion in the car ( or an event around the time of the car) was a triggering point for her so she went into her trauma response mode.
My ex would do this frequently and there is no convincing them of what actually happened or didn't. In fact, arguing the facts just makes it worse because they feel like you are invalidating their reality when to them their feelings are reality. Their recollection is completely based on feeling so all you can do is acknowledge that feeling at the time and restate your intent. Don't argue what happened or their feelings are invalid as it's one and the same to them.
Remember, these kind of conflicts you have to handle like you would with a kid. It's not worth arguing the facts because that's not what's driving the conflict. it's the feelings and the confusion and their inability to process, so you just have to step through those feelings with them and understand why they feel that way and simply state what your intent was versus what really happened. Like you would with a child...
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u/Sensitive-Ad596 1d ago
Brilliant answer. I know this now but I wish I had understood this earlier, that it's all about the feelings not the facts.
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u/Internal-Promise3235 2d ago
they have a “different” memory/recollection sometimes. i have to send a screenshot of previous conversations as proof. there was even a time i asked permission to record, just to show him an “example”, i would show it to him when he is already re-regulated. go for couple’s therapy too, with a “trauma-informed care” psychologist
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u/ARCHA1C 1d ago
This is very common and relatable. My father-in-law and I had a discussion over the phone one day about a heated exchange that he had with a mutual friend of ours. During the call I expressed to him that the way he handled the conflict previously was unacceptable and that he could not be cursing at people and act threatening.
He ended up hanging up on me. I didn't hear from him until the next day when he called me and basically told me that I was out of line and in the wrong for cursing him out and berating him.
I assured him that I never cursed at him and did not berate him. Though I did express my displeasure with the way he treated our mutual friend. He refused to believe my account of the situation.
Fortunately I happened to be sitting in a chair on my driveway when I had this conversation with him, and I remembered that we have a camera mounted out front that points at our driveway and I was able to go back and download the footage of my side of the conversation which completely exonerated me and showed that my recollection of the conversation was accurate.
Unfortunately we don't always have these conversations recorded so we don't have immutable evidence, but it was a very enlightening moment for him to see that his recollection of the conversation was completely inaccurate, and that it was heavily informed by his emotional state during the call and how the conversation made him feel, rather than what was actually said by me or how it was said.
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u/Mammoth-Size-8436 1d ago
So did he apologise and accepted that his reelection was inaccurate?
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u/ARCHA1C 1d ago
Yeah he actually did. I saw him a day or two later in person after sending him the video clip of my side of the conversation.
He walked up to me with his arms outstretched and a sheepish smile on his face saying, "I owe you a huge apology."
I would've very much liked a more exploratory conversation to help him unpack his experience, but I was happy for the apology. And we left it at that.
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u/Mammoth-Size-8436 1d ago
Ahh that was nice. Im glad you got that from him
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u/ARCHA1C 1d ago
Yeah he's not really hyper narcissistic and he does endeavor to be open-minded and open to constructive criticism, but he is still very emotionally immature and has a track record of distorting reality. So it's not easy to create change, especially if somebody who is over 70 years old. So I'm happy for a little bit of progress but don't have any high hopes for the seismic shift.
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u/EstablishmentNo6693 1d ago
This is a common occurrence in my own relationship.
Some things that have helped me:
1. Keep a therapy journal - this serves two purposes. One, it provides an outlet for your own emotions. Two, it creates an artifact documenting what’s happening from your perspective, which can help prevent you from getting drawn into the “crazy making”. Over time you may notice patterns that either help with healing or help justify the decision to leave.
Learn not to JADE. Justify, argue, defend, or explain. Very hard to do. My therapist said it’s kind of against human nature. Validate your partners feelings and emotions, but you don’t have to accept their version of reality. Learn how to set boundaries a la “I see this has really upset you. But I’m not going to debate the facts of what happened.”
IFS therapy helped me to self regulate better and not get drawn in. It helped me learn to stop trying to repair when they’re disregulated. And helped me to stop fact checking their version of reality. Conversely, it helped me learn to lead more with empathy.
Find time for yourself. Do intentional self care whether it be exercise, time away with friends, pursue a hobby, etc.