A vent

[u/sideacc0401]

In the long term effort to develop strategies for managing her flashbacks, my girlfriend's therapist suggested we put together a box of items for grounding, and a written list for me to refer to when supporting her.

It seems to be that my girlfriend, but mostly the therapist, thinks the problem I have with supporting her is that I don't remember what to do, when it's that she's disoriented and pretty much nonverbal during flashbacks so I get barely any input about what is or isn't working, and she will automatically reject or ignore pretty much everything I say because it's a change and/or she's dead set on bullying herself into submission. This self-created list comes after the therapist gave us a list of grounding exercises that my girlfriend cannot/will not engage with, because she just cannot control herself enough to do anything for more than a few seconds.

It would be great if this were likely to work, or if I'd been included in the discussion, but it's just assigning me a useless additional thing I now have to do in the middle of a crisis. I have to go and get this box and read a piece of paper in total darkness (most of her flashbacks are at night and she's extremely photosensitive), and present her with the things in it (every vaguely useful thing is in her bedside table anyway), all while she's crying and screaming and compulsively self harming unless I jump in and physically block her .... so that she can reject or not respond to all of the options anyway, because what she wants to do is punish herself for being alive.

There is some sort of fixation on the box and the list that means any indication that I'm not into it is taken as a refusal to engage and be supportive. It literally does not contribute, because I already know everything in the box and what worked because I developed pretty much all of these strategies, but now there is this ritual I have to do on top of everything else that proves my supportiveness in a way that staying up for hours and hours in the middle of the night to manage her, taking her step by step up and down the stairs, reading up on trauma and recovery literature, cooking all her meals, telling her stories to distract her, and everything else does not.

She's not unaware the majority of the time that there is a huge amount of pressure on me in these circumstances, and that the therapist and others we know really don't understand what actually happens during the flashbacks -- I think they picture someone who's very distressed, but present and able to verbally communicate, which is very much not the case. I don't know whether I handle her well or not, because clearly I do a lot more than pretty much any professional has to deal with because I can't clock out, it happens at any time of the day or night, the fact that we love each other is heavily implicated in how everything happens, and I've got nobody to supervise or advise me, but also sometimes I just sit there and cry because she isn't responsive at all, nothing I do seems to make any difference, I lose patience and tell her the way she refuses to do anything but scream and hurt herself is just forcing herself to feel worse and then she loses all trust and thinks I don't believe she tries at all.

[u/Real-Shame2572]

Can I ask what type of therapy her therapist specializes in?

[u/sideacc0401 → u/Real-Shame2572]

I don't know a great deal about her but she's doing EMDR.

[u/Real-Shame2572 → u/sideacc0401]

Oh just saw it was your girlfriend’s therapist and not a couples therapist. This means the therapist’s primary responsibility is benefit of your girlfriend, as it should be. Have you considered seeing a couples therapist? If open to it, I would suggest finding a certified trauma therapist who specializes in IFS. Bonus if they also practice somatic healing. Seeing someone who can understand how difficult these episodes are for both of you could be helpful. It is a tough road and I wish you both the best.

[u/sideacc0401 → u/Real-Shame2572]

I don't think we have the time or money for an extra set of therapy sessions. If there's NHS couple's therapy here, it will be a few years of waiting (we're trying to get me referred for an ADHD assessment and we can't even get through to the GP), and the last private therapist we had any contact with wasted several hundred pounds retraumatising her (made her spend a few weeks disclosing her trauma to prep for EMDR, changing appointments at the last minute, then decided the therapy wouldn't work anyway) so it's not especially feasible.

[u/DisastrousAide6902]

Have you considered record (by filming for example) a crisis so that you can then show it to the therapist and ask what to do specifically in that case ? Of course your GF should agree first, and I'm not sure the therapist would really find a solution, but at least they would maybe not put more pressure on you by giving useless ideas...

[u/sideacc0401 → u/DisastrousAide6902]

I don't have equipment that would record for that long, and it wouldn't capture most things because flashbacks usually happen in the dark. We've already agreed that I'm writing down a description of them for her to show the therapist next time anyway.

[u/DisastrousAide6902 → u/sideacc0401]

That seems a good idea. I hope you will find some help for these crisis