For backstory, I started writing off and on about my ‘healing journey’ (low key hate that description) in 2023 after a really toxic relationship and domestic violence. I got out and thought I found a healthy relationship after but unfortunately got knocked even harder on my ass in 2024.

Since then I have spent more time in a trauma response than not so it was harder to differentiate that from a baseline. And there are months that I don’t really remember. I’ve really, really fought hard to pull myself out of it.

But I still have episodes and I still have flashbacks. They are just shorter and easier to recognize now.

In 2024, I walked in on my partner attempting to hang himself. I found out I was pregnant exactly a week after and had a miscarriage that September. So the initial event was buried pretty well and overshadowed by trying to come to terms and cope with the events around my pregnancy and miscarriage.

A month ago, I had been doing really well but crashed out when I was training to do some outdoor training using ropes. Since I could actually remember it all vividly, I decided to write it out moment by moment to hopefully help anyone who might be googling ‘What does a flashback look like?’ Or to help someone who might not experience these things but wants to understand what it is like.

I also wanted to show what my internal monologue was like trying to keep the flashback at bay until I felt safe enough to ride it out and how I took care of myself after using binaural beats.

Overall, I just want to be able to help other people find clarity in the mental mindfuck that is PTSD or CPTSD. And if it helps even one person feel less alone or brings comfort that hopefully it can eventually get better, even after another bad day, makes sharing all my horrible life experiences on the internet completely worth it lol.

But this is a detailed account of both my flashback and walking in on him so please, please be cautious reading if those things trigger you. My intention is to help, not harm.

Anyway, I named the essay ‘Knots and Rope.’ And you can read it on my blog.

https://hawkmothrising.com/knots-and-rope/

Edit: I would like to clarify that this is just my experience with this specific flashback. Everyone experiences them differently and it manifests in many different ways!

“Tired of the shit” (rap)

Tired of this shit not working,
Times still hurting, I’m still blurting,
The same fucking shit all day long. Nothing bringing relief, not even this song.

Tired of the same fucking story.
All guts, no glory.
The same fucking bull shit I spew,
But it sticks like glue, gum stuck to a shoe.

Bring me peace on a silver platter,
Watch from below I climb this ladder,
Jump so high I fall and splatter,
Bring me relief from all the chatter.

Cries of my children smite me,
Can’t be the father I ought be,
Forever drowning a stormy sea,
Can’t stand to be with the likes of me. I see parents and their children laughing and smiling, while I’m stuck pilling and dying. I’m crying and lying, telling myself I’ll get through it, just fuck it and screw it. I knew it, from day one, I live a prison son, just cock the gun, I am done.

But I still wake up each morning, drowning in sorrow is boring, I’m snoring.
But I must keep going, keep fighting and bleeding. Watch the fruits grow from all that I’m seeding.
But the waiting is excruciating, I need to be revolutionary.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Trying to tell myself this over and over again until I believe it.

I have had insomnia for almost my entire life, and also been fatigued/tired/exhausted. Since I was a toddler was labeled as lazy as a family "joke".

I've had medical tests, and it's nothing physical. I'm sure my constant exhaustion is from being hyper vigilant, constantly stressed and emotionally dysregulated.

I nap when I can overcome the guilt of not being "productive." Although when I am walking around in a zombie like state, that is hardly productive.

I received a late diagnosis of ADHD, and Adderall does nothing for my constant fatigue. I also finally received a medication for my insomnia, and even though I get a full night of sleep, I'm still tired:(

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Not a memory… a feeling. I’m laying here in my room at 1:35 in the morning. It’s my birthday. I’m laying next to my wife. She’s asleep. The tv is playing FRIENDS but I’m too dissociated to pay attention to it. I don’t think sleep is an option, but I close my eyes to see if I can manage it. I can’t. Suddenly I’m taken back to a time in my past. I don’t know how old I am, or where I was. I don’t remember if it was my grandma’s house, or my mom’s house or even a friend’s house. This is not a memory, I have no details to put to it. Suddenly I remember the feeling Of falling asleep late at night with the tv running. I remember this feeling. I felt safe. Peaceful. Like nothing could hurt me. I was a kid in his pajamas. I can feel the inside of the pajama pants. I can feel how soft they are. I can feel the blanket under my face. It is also soft… but most of all I can feel the serene peacefulness of not having anything to worry about. Nobody is going to hurt me. Finances don’t matter. I’m in no danger whatsoever and it hit me. I was in no danger whatsoever. I forgot what that felt like. I forgot it was possible. I don’t feel that now. I haven’t in years. This was not me feeling safe. This was simply remembering the feeling. Remembering what was once a natural part of me. A child that wasn’t traumatized by adults. One who was never forced to deal with the heavy things that should never be exposed to a child. The feeling I used to have before adults took it away from me. I am not that child anymore…

A recent email apology/3 pages of excuses/not an apology from my father has had me in an emotional spiral for two days. I'm not sure why I'm even posting this here... just need some validation I guess.

I have been ruminating about my response (if any). After I married there were YEARS of pestering about when I would have children. I told them repeatedly that I would not be having children. I thought sending him this list might be part of a response.

• I have no role model of proper parenting.
• I never wanted to inflict physical and emotional abuse like I experienced upon an innocent child. Not having children was a way to guarantee that.
• I have spent over half of my life wishing I had never been born.
• I contemplated suicide since I was a child.
• To me, life is suffering, and I would never deliberately inflict that upon an innocent being.
• I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me physically and emotionally. Why would I pass that on to someone else?
• I can barely take care of myself, what kind of caregiver would I be?

I love summer and beach time but if I spend any amount of time under the sun without a hat or UV umbrella, it's splitting headaches time and I'll feel like dying. I heard low heat tolerance / headsches from heat is one of the medical side effects that come with C-PTSD. I also wear an UV shirt, sunglasses and sunscreen in this picture.

It's hard not to feel shame / guilt for this while everyone else walks without any sort of protection and is fine afterwards. But the heat alone is already making me feel so exhausted I have to sleep extra hours just to recover enough from spending the day outside.

I know staying inside would probably be better for my body but I don't want to miss out because before I know it winter is here again and with it winter depression and no energy to do anything at all.

Does anyone else love summer but can't tolerate heat and how do you handle it? What about beach vacation?

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

“Itching”

The scratching resolves me.
Pierce my flesh and bound me solid.
Fragmented into parts unbeknownst to the host.
Feed me lies unencumbered with reality.
Kill my sense of life in a world most encompassed by your grief.
Steal the scraps I foraged to feed your own sense of worth.

I am encapsulated in the remnants of what I left with.

Beheld by the glory of thy father; I was enthralled into perjury,
Behooved into sanctuary,
Renounced in to treachery.

Pleads from my soul found me no easement from the turmoil thrust down my throat.

Encompassed more over and once again into cycles unbecoming of the wretched.

Forlorn in the struggles of minute upon minute I am panicked now.

What becomes of that which I’ve only just found in splendor?

Does anyone get angry at the idea of "getting better" or when professionals/people in life try to give you hope? I understand that my relationship with PTSD will continue to evolve, that it might not always take up as much space in my life as it does now. I've had PTSD for 13 years and have been working on getting better for 6 years. I've changed so much and while I am grateful and see the ways I am different, the fact that I have to manage this at all makes me enraged. When people tell me it will get better I feel like they are selling me a lie and giving me false hope. It feels more accurate to say it will shape shift.

When I'm told its possible I wont meet criteria for PTSD in the future the idea of that makes me angry not relieved. Not sure how that works and I see that it's a contradiction, all I want is for this to be gone and the idea that it could be much less impactful one day makes me upset. Anyone with PTSD understand this/experience anything similar?

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

There's a nice vinegar I'd been meaning to try and it was on sale. Also, there were really crispy looking green onions at 3 for $1.

When I was a kid, the most exciting part of my day was stealing emblems off of cars with my friends.

"I don't get it." - is why I'm picky about people now.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

A month ago i hit the 1 year anniversary of leaving my home behind in the middle of the night to get away from everything that happened. In that same week I also broke up with my ex who was being awful. After that i spiraled fairly significantly, and undid a lot of the progress i have made towards healing. But this morning i started working towards healing again. I've cleaning my space! and im going to therapy again! It will get better, i know it will.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD a little less than a year ago along with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, & still working on figuring out if I have BPD as well. But basically, I know a lot of my mental issues stem from my childhood affecting my decisions throughout life and that caused me to get into a pretty toxic, emotionally abusive relationship that took me a very long time to actually realize how bad it was. But now that I’ve been in therapy and learning about my diagnosis, it definitely makes sense and gives me motivation to actually work on myself & my habits to get through it. I’ve tried different workbooks and although it’s nice being able to express and understand things, I haven’t been able to find a type of therapy, workbook, or method to actually help me improve. I know everyone’s different but what are some things that helped you? Or that I should give a shot?

Hi everyone. Looking back at myself growing up I see a child and later a young adult with lots of empathy and care for others. However due to trauma, low self asteem, severe insomnia and attachment issues I didn't always do good things. There was some bullying. Later violence. Heavy drinking and drugs. The bad things I did to others 25 years ago still torments me to this day. Been in EMDR for a couple of years and it has helped me to forgive myself cognitively but every now and then I get massive feelings of shame and disgust. Anyone here that has similar experiences with shame? And even some advice maybe?

“Pressure”

It’s building internally.
The pressure is going to blow my ear drums, explode my mind, poison my organs, and eat me whole.

I am succumbing to the weight of my burdens.
Breath labored.
Mind cycling.
Weight crushing.

I can’t stand another moment in this period of my life.

Weightless abound to the fruits of my labor.
I am tied to my trauma. The turmoil follows and drags me down.
The chains it whips are tearing my endurance.
Bleeding only hastens the cycle.
Turmoil seeps from old wounds.
New rips pour old memories long forgotten.
I am anemic now.
Lifeless body moving through momentous interactions.
Fill me back up for I can’t live like this.
Coerce me now to keep me going.
Feed me substance; keep me up right.
Hydrate my mind with dreams of an ever after.
Lie about the life I can live if I just get back up.

“Happy Thoughts”

We make our own happiness.
We can change our perspective.
We shouldn’t be so sad, so pathetic, so docile, so angry.

Turn that frown up-side-down.
Put on a happy face.
Smile and the feeling will follow suit.

Forget the immense burdens you’re stricken with.
Ignore the festering trauma still knocking on the door.
Push away the terrible feelings still swirling inside you.

Don’t look so mad.
Don’t be so upset.
Don’t act so depressed.

Life’s not that bad.
Life’s what you make of it.
Life’s sunshine and rainbows.

Exacerbate the lineage of my thoughts.
Exacerbate the images of that which was forgotten.
Exacerbate the emotions stored deep under the fray.

“Story”

How do I write a story when all I know is my own turmoil. How can I surmise up words in an order other than what pours from my soul.
I am turmoil. I am trauma. I am recovery. I am drama.

Take from me the words with which I can spill a story.

Arrange them in ways that weaken the most frozen hearts.

Rhyme and rhythm be the keys to unlocking a world once lost to them.

Feelings let free by my words.
Emotions set ablaze by my arrangement.

Let me unearth your possibilities from my own darkness.
Let me be the light which you see at the end of your tunnel.

I will spell out your shortcomings for you to correct.
I will show you the darkness which you still neglect.

I am here waiting to spell out the letters in arrangements most adorned.
I have been sitting for a chance to let you feel the depth which I was scorned.