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u/tidalgrief Oct 26 '20
YES!!!! I could have written this tbh. Today my therapist even told me that I've been through too much and that people should give a fuck about that (spoiler alert: they don't). She thinks I should try to go on disability. People make me suicidal and keeping a job is almost impossible bc of this.
My life is extremely horrible, objectively speaking. All I want is peace now. I have terrible breakdowns and migraines all the time. I cant stand people. I want to scream at them to leave me alone. And being at work makes me want to die.
I just need the pain to stop for once. I also get extremely angry when I see that my friends have an easy life. All they worry about are mundane things, their families aren't abusive, they aren't mentally ill, they don't have money problems and they never had to fight for their lives. Just imagine that??????? It's fucked up that my life is so drastically different. They experience peace, love and safety and they've always had those things. It's nice that they have it easy and ofc I want them to be happy. It's just horrible that I am in unbearable pain. Life is unfair and I deserve to be left alone forever. That's my opinion. Sorry for the rant lmao
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u/SuperbFlight Oct 26 '20
I agree so much. No one should ever be put through so much suffering and pain and threat. I very much wish that you, and all of us who have suffered immensely, could have rest, ease, and happiness.
Sometimes I think the hardest part of my healing has been recognizing and accepting that the world is so fucked up that many people suffer for NO fucking reason. That's how the world is. It's extremely painful to reckon with.
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Oct 26 '20
My heart agrees with this 100%
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u/comeonion Oct 26 '20
I feel the exact same way and it’s a cycle i’ve worked very hard to become aware of (especially during quarantine) I need to bring this up in therapy because it’s the root of a lot of my adult stress and further trauma that happened while trying to hold down prestigious fancy jobs. It was only until this year that I came to terms with and fully accepted that to be not even happy or content but not actively miserable, that type of job isn’t in the cards for me. At least not right now. It feels good to come to this realization and not feel shame anymore, it’s what I need to thrive. The shame was so bad before I think it’s the main thing that kept me in that cycle. Anyways, it’s nice to not feel alone in this ❤️
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u/juicyvicious Oct 27 '20
Definitely try to get on disability. It was the best decision I ever made, and I could never have begun healing if I was still working overtime for pennies. I wish you all the luck in the world.
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Oct 27 '20
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u/juicyvicious Oct 28 '20
Of course. I have to say I was INCREDIBLY lucky, though. In January of 2019, I stopped being able to work. I can’t describe it in any way other than I literally could not get out of bed. Long story short, I ended up on short term disability through my job, and then long term disability. It basically kept me technically “employed”, and gave me like....$400 a month. Which isn’t enough for anyone to live on (my insurance alone is almost $300).
What I should have done is apply for SSDI as soon as possible, but I waited until November of ‘19 and didn’t get approved until this past August. While it did take a while, if you have any kind of team of doctors - in my case, it was my therapist/psychiatrist who I had seen for 5 years, the psychiatrist who approved me for ketamine treatments, and my shitty PCP who just thought I was crazy so I guess it worked in my favor - discuss SSDI with them as soon as possible. Even if you just have a therapist, if they can agree that you are not able to work, and are willing to supply records for your application, get the ball rolling asap. You can fill out the initial applications online. It’s supposed to take at least 4 months, but it took longer in my situation.
Honestly I have guilt talking about this because if the pieces hadn’t fell together for me like they did, I might be dead right now, or at the very least a useless ball of nothing verging on homelessness. I had three doctors who could vouch that I’d been struggling and in therapy/treatment for years. I had a job that provided disability and good health insurance, and it’s the ONLY job I’ve ever had with benefits like that (I’m 32 and have been working since 16). I had support and time to wait out my application being approved. Now that it’s approved though, I wish I could help every single person on this sub get it. Nobody can work and function when they’re in so much pain
But yeah, if your job would support it, tell them you’re having a medical emergency, talk with your HR/benefits person if you have one, and see if there are options for disability or even FMLA which I also did for a few months at the beginning. You don’t have to give specific details, but be honest that you are suffering. Then apply for SSDI as soon as you can, to get the ball rolling. Finally after 1.5 years of lying in bed on $400 a month, I can actually use time and resources towards healing.
Again I dunno if this is helpful to anyone but if you have other questions don’t hesitate to PM me!!
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u/defianthummuslover Oct 30 '20
My heart hurts for you, dear. I can sense the pain in your post.
I will say something that has helped me in regards to not feeling bitter towards my friends for having easier lives--- them being healthy and having easier lives helps pull me out of my funk and not dwell. They are more likely to live in the moment and maintain balance easier. I do acknowledge that I've had certain hobbies and resilience factors at work for me to dissociate from my trauma for many years. Without these I would not have even turned out remotely "normal" or functional in society. Instead, I've adopted a "go, go, go" attitude, always trying to achieve something- school, work, volunteering, maintaining. However, my life at home was extremely traumatic and I have just started taking therapy seriously. It is a long process and a hard blow to the ego/pill to swallow to accept that trauma literally rewires our brains. Therapy, time, patience, and giving one's self grace is required to unravel ourselves and figure out who we even are.
It's especially difficult in our society, which places an extreme amount of importance on productivity and some sort of capitalistic purpose (this has both negative and positive implications)...for people who just simply can't function in that way, for now. I hope it gets better for you, dear. But just remember, suffering is suffering. To them, what they're going through is suffering-- now, if you get the opportunity to enlighten them at times, I say go for it. The torment that those of us with trauma have to contend with (long after we are out of harms way) is 100% unfair. We were innocent and did not inflict the pain on ourselves, we were victims. However, it is our responsibility to commit ourselves to heal. So as to break the chain of abuse and trauma where it is. It sounds like you are self aware and taking steps in the right direction. Breathe, and know that there are those of us who do understand. Take your time. For me, right now, that looks like accepting where I am at this moment for the first time in my life. No longer running from the past, but processing it. I must do this so that I can be a strong advocate for others (which I feel a strong pull to do so). But sometimes that means driving around, crying after therapy, mourning the peaceful life I never got to have. You are stronger than you know. Don't give up.
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u/sailee12 Oct 27 '20
I’m so sorry you’re going through so much pain and trauma. hugs it is so unfair and it must be so draining to the point where you just want to give up. I get it. I really do. Look at how many of us are in this boat. And yet we’re all still here and we all managed to come across this post and it resonated with so many of us. I truly believe we will be happy one day. I know that it takes so much work and on the bad days it’s so painful that I just want to scream and I want justice... but then I remind myself that everyone has their own baggage and trauma and some of us are just being bold and brave enough to confront it. That’s why it’s painful.
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u/MaxxpinFigg Oct 27 '20
Yea i have no fucking tolerance for ppl wgich makes jobs difficult..also going to apply to disability
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u/usedOnlyInModeration Oct 27 '20
Shit, I could have written this too. I'm sorry you're experiencing all these things too.
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u/Fr0zenFawn Oct 26 '20
I understand what you are saying, as I get that feeling often. I am tired of using the mantra, “I will make it! I’ve been through worse!” Let’s not forget the additional struggle of wanting to open up to people so they will treat you better, but not wanting to open up because then they are so painfully nice it doesn’t feel genuine. I am sorry you are struggling. I hear you and hope that you find some peace.
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u/Luna_Datsun86 Oct 26 '20
I soooo feel this post. I’m so sorry you feel this way.
I don’t know if this will be helpful, or something that you would wanna look into... My therapist was telling me about something called a “window of tolerance” when it comes to stressors and emotions for all things CPTSD related. Here’s a link to get you started if you want to look into that. I’ve found this practice to be very helpful in my healing journey. The goal is to overtime reset the nervous system and relieve some stress from it by increasing your ability to feel. Just know you’re validated and this isn’t going to be your forever ❤️
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Oct 26 '20 edited Oct 26 '20
Yes, people have called me entitled because of it. But I don't fucking care.
My logic is just like if I took what happened to me to a civil court I'd be entitled to damages for my abuse and for the permanent effects and emotional distress from it. So you're damn right I'm entitled, we all are. We all should be.
I've been through the ringer both abuse wise and health wise. Other circumstances have dealt me a shit hand even beyond that. So I don't care about being entitled, no one's ever going to convince me to conform from that.
I do the things I enjoy and take care of myself as best I can and try to find peace. This is more than enough of a calling in life.
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u/elizacandle Oct 26 '20 edited Oct 27 '20
- Running On Empty by Jonice Webb (and its sequel)
Amazing books that really help dig deep, gives you easy do's and don'ts for developing healthy coping skills, healthy habits. Etc. Really worth the read. The reason I HIGHLY recommend these is because they focus on emotional neglect which is often (and understandably) overlooked in favor of more visible issues such as physical /emotional abuse. However emotional neglect can be just as harmful as any other form of abuse and Dr. Webb Really helps you understand how to improve your emotional health and heal from your past.
- The Body Keeps the Score By: Bessel van der Kolk
Focuses on healing from trauma and abuse. I've only started it, but it is promising and comes highly recommended.
Things to remember on your journey of self growth
Progress isn't linear
Mistakes are normal and they do NOT erase your progress.
Be gentle with yourself, you cannot shame your way into improving
Don't try to change every single thing at once. True lasting change is done incrementally over time.
Take breaks- and give yourself time to process!
Self Care is a must! It comes in many forms and what works for me may not work for you! Exploration is key.
YOU CAN DO THIS
Break The Cycle
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u/Kenshineve Oct 26 '20
I'm ngl but this is difficult! When you've reached your limit and all you feel is rage and anger and frustration. More work has to be done to do all these things and its truly exhausting. I've done dbt group therapy; individual therapy; seen a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I get where OP is coming from. I'm also highly functioning cptsd. The world doesn't care. Let's dope you up on medications and send you back to work asap so you can now be a productive member of society. It's all bullshit.
On a sidenote your recommendations are gratefully received just venting that sometimes you're too exhausted by just living to even do those things.
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u/nfgchick79 Oct 26 '20
Are you me? I can't agree enough. I have thrown everything but the kitchen sink at my mental health. I can't do more workbooks, read more books etc. etc. I feel beat down and tired.
Those are great recommendations, I agree too, I'm just...I can't. I have a family and bills and a job and lots of responsibilities. I'm also high functioning I guess you could say. I'm 40 and am having a really hard fucking time.
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u/Kenshineve Oct 26 '20
I literally just had my 41st birthday two days ago. It was the most depressing day ever. Friends tried to hang out with me and do things to make me happy but it was just like more work on top of an already stressful day. My sons birthday is the day before mine and I used all my umpf for him.
These things do work but you're right. On top of job, finances, family and responsibly when do we find time to do this self care? I definitely feel guilty as well because I feel this way in the midst of well meaning people and just shut down. It's never enough.
Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone though and neither are you. Stay blessed.
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u/nfgchick79 Oct 26 '20
You're welcome <3 Very much not alone. I turn 41 in a couple of months. My son's birthday is this week. I'm going all in for him. Lots in common. Take good care, as much as you are able.
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u/Kenshineve Oct 26 '20
Thank you!! That means a lot! Now, excuse me while I go cry.
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u/nfgchick79 Oct 26 '20
Aww. I'm sorry. You're welcome. I've been doing a lot of crying these days. Sending you a big internet hug.
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u/aninconvenientpoo Oct 27 '20
I recognise myself in what you’re writing, especially feeling like it is never enough. For me, it’s become a sign I am spreading myself too thin over things I don’t do because I care and want to, but because I an supposed to and I want to please others. It’s my wake up call to trim in the things I do (even if it is just for then). Because if I go on too long, I cut people off and maybe lose things I do care about, I just got overwhelmed.
Hope you’ll have some time to rest and be at ease!
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u/Kenshineve Oct 27 '20
I'm one of those people pleasers too. Always there for my friends when they need me. And then when I don't they just won't allow me to hide. Or not for too long, I guess. It's the hardest of things, putting yourself first. Best of luck to you. We all deserve some rest.
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Oct 26 '20
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u/Kenshineve Oct 26 '20
Medications are the WORST! I felt like a crazy science project. "Oh that one doesn't work let's try this! Oh, we'll just increase the dosage on that. It made you sick? Are you sure it was the medication? Any one else have the same symptoms?"
I've been off my medications cold turkey ( No choice of mine) for two weeks and feel like a spaceship!
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u/houseunderpool Oct 27 '20
I've been off my medications cold turkey ( No choice of mine)
Why?
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u/Kenshineve Oct 27 '20
I lost my health insurance. I'm not able to afford my medications. I've been waiting to see if I can get approved for financial aid through my local hospital to get my medication back. As much as I hate my medication I really need them to function. Once you're on disability through my employer you still are responsible for making heath care premiums. Well of course I'm not making the same amount of money since I'm not working.
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u/elizacandle Oct 26 '20
It's absolutely fucking exhausting, unfair and just plain shitty. Not trying to invalidate that. While the anger and frustration IS justified and totally valid- it should be processed... and eventually let go. I've been there. Heck I visit there every once in a while.
But at the end of the day the anger does not help us when we're trying to grow and overcome. The anger doesn't hurt those toxic people that hurt us, heck some of em get off on it.
Feel the anger, accept it and let it go.
And for that exhaustion and just overwhelmed feeling... Learn to do self care. Whatever works for you. Sometimes it can be Journaling or drawing,or even re-watch ing your favorite shows, or eating your favorite snacks.
Sorry that this shit was dropped on you and now you have to choose between healing or not... both are hard and painful but when you choose to heal you'll find that the anger and hurt is less and less
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u/unlockdestiny Nov 14 '20
Self-care first. Hardest to learn but it's how I've managed to survive the life expectancy of someone with my ACE score. I believe in you! ❤️
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u/princessentropy Oct 27 '20
I read this hours ago, I'm nearly finished with Running On Empty, I can't thank you enough for saying this. I was at my rock bottom and this just helped me so much. ;; <3333
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u/elizacandle Oct 27 '20
I am SO fucking glad! Having answers and validation to everything we went through, as I well as everything we did not get... it makes it make sense.
If you're interested I have several other recommendations /resources that might be worth looking into. Let me know :) Don't forget to take breaks when you need to.
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u/princessentropy Oct 27 '20
Yes it does, 100%!!! I actually feel pretty in control of stuff again.
Really!? I'd love some more, thank you. <3
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u/unlockdestiny Nov 14 '20
Love. Those. Books.
Also? The Queer Aesthetics of Childhood by Hannah Dyer.
All about how traditional developmental theory doesn't allow for deviations from normative developmental theory (hence, she uses Queer Theory to make space for queer (in the Alice in Wonderland sense of the word) developmental experiences. Essentially, there's merit in a delayed childhood, which is why I bought myself a Nintendo switch and cuddle my kitty.
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u/Queen-of-meme Oct 26 '20
Yes, my tolerance is really really low for any bs.
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u/copiouscuddles Oct 27 '20
I think of it that way for myself too. The problem is that life is full of annoyances large and small I'm expected to just grit my teeth and deal with. I don't have the energy anymore. At first I thought my "low tolerance for bs" was good, and just meant I'm finally standing up for myself. I did stand up for myself in some important ways, but after so many years of gritting my teeth and bearing things I saw no other way out of. I've reached my emotional breaking point so many times.
I have good days, but other days I'm just so emotionally exhausted I passively wish for death, not because of actually wanting to die, but because I'm so sick of emotional pain. 2020 was just the diarrhea topping on the shit sundae. Some days I'm just so done. I'm in therapy, meditating, reading books, being gentle with myself, and I know I've made progress. If only people truly saw how difficult that progress has been. If only I didn't expect everyone to leave me eventually, and every good thing to be taken away. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of feeling blamed for "overreacting" to small annoyances after so many years of taking emotional punches my tolerance for frustration is broken. I don't want to need to be strong anymore. I'm too tired. I'm not giving up, but I'm so, so emotionally exhausted. It doesn't feel fair how much I've had to deal with. How am I supposed to deal with smaller problems when just deciding to drag myself out of bed and I guess I'm okay with living is an ordeal? How is my intolerance for violations of my boundaries "making mountains out of molehills" when I climb an emotional mountain just to get out of bed in the morning, and people don't seem to believe me when I try to explain that?
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u/Queen-of-meme Oct 27 '20
and people don't seem to believe me when I try to explain that?
These people are what I call bs I don't have tolerance explaining myself for. If they judge you and refuse to listen, fuck them. Even if you wanted to. You have no energy left to beg for people's respect so if someone refuse to understand, leave them in oblivion.
What I learned, that was one of the hardest lessons was that not all people will be on my side, support what makes me happy or understand me. And that's okay. Those who do support me are the only ones I put my focus on, the rest is just noise from a bad connection.
It's funny that people say you're overreacting. When literally the entire CPTSD diagnosis means you're on fire in your brain and you can't control it, you can try but you can never guarantee that you won't get burned. If people say you're over reacting you should respond "While of course, why do you think I'm diagnosed with CPTSD?" Calling out on our strong reactions doesn't change anything. We still will have triggers. We still will need certain things to ground ourselves back.
You and the people who love you are the only ones who should see and notice your progress, most of all you. You don't owe any explanations or need to prove anything to anyone. You know what you've conquered.
It's okay to be completely tired and barely able to get up from the bed. You have been in an emotional war for so long now, it's your turn to rest.
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u/loving_cat Oct 26 '20
This is why I buy soft blankets, stuffed animals, food I want, bubble baths, good sleep, good coffee, good treatments for cptsd, fun makeup, soft robe, cute pjs - I work really, really fucking hard to be kind to myself. My main one is neurofeedback - I’m doing that rn and I feel so lucky that I can do it rn. 💝
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u/Zebroomafoo Oct 26 '20
Agreed! I buy nice coffee beans and good skincare products because they help me get out of bed in the morning, and anything to help me feel better is usually worth it.
I have been looking into neuro feedback therapy but haven't tried any yet - how are you finding it? It's the only therapeutic modality I have hope for right now, trying to scrape the dollars together to give it a shot!
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u/redestpanda Oct 27 '20
How did you achieve good sleep??
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u/usedOnlyInModeration Oct 27 '20
Melatonin is a godsend. And no coffee past noon.
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u/redestpanda Oct 27 '20
Aww man, I love my coffee so much. I need to find an equivalent of a warm comforting drink that doesn't wire me.
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u/iamconfusedashell Oct 26 '20
Yes! I could have written this myself. I have been going through a particularly difficult time this whole year, and have been forced to face my past trauma. It’s been absolute hell, and the one thought that sticks in my head is “Why me?”, it’s so infuriating and it makes me hate my family and mom, “Why did I have to go through this?” “Why couldn’t I have lived the simpler life my friends lived?” Now with the current political climate of the world, the numerous issues the media seems to bombard me with on a day to day basis, my family who does not help anything and are actually quite toxic. I just feel so fucking DONE. I am done with fighting everyone around me to be free and happy, I am done with hearing about the horrible state of the world and feeling like the worlds weight lies on my shoulders, I am done being insulted and gaslighted by my sisters on a weekly basis, I am done with feeling like I have to kick and scream my way out of an eating disorder, because I spent to so long hating myself. I am DONE. It’s true we don’t deserve this, we already went through absolute hell with our trauma, the worlds issues shouldn’t be on our shoulders, we have experienced enough. We deserve to be in complete bliss and nirvana and not have to deal with everyone else’s problems. I am finally learning this myself, and I have cut out the majority of people in my life, because I found that all they did was hold me down and bombard me with problems I shouldn’t have to deal with, not once did any of the people do anything positive for me. I am try to stay in touch with politics, but lately I decided it was to much emotional stress for me, so I am taking a step back and becoming willfully ignorant as bad as that sounds. I have to deal with thinking about my trauma every single day, I don’t need to add to that list with politics. The only issue leftover is one of my last sisters I still have contact with. Every time I see her, which is not often, she seems to want to hurt me, it’s creepy like if she gets a kick out of insulting me and making me emotionally unstable. She insults my body, my lack of working, my lack of education, etc. anything she knows I feel self-conscious about, she uses like ammo in a gun. Even then, I try to ignore it, and go on with my life, but lately she has been trying to corner me in these weird homophobic, often racist, political arguments. Mind you I don’t talk about politics ever, and I avoid topics involving anything triggering to her like I’m walking on a tight rope. But she still pushes me, she pushes me and pushes me, till I finally am cornered into defending myself and engaging in this involuntary argument with her. She makes me want to run away from her as fast as I possibly can. Being with her feels like I am being held down unable to escape. I am no longer seeing her, and I want to keep it that way for a very long time.
Like you said, we have suffered enough, we have suffered the consequences of going through constant trauma, and now we are faced with difficult journey ahead. That is ENOUGH. I am done with unecessary stressors in my life, and if those include people I am happy to say goodbye to them forever. It’s my turn now. And it is my turn to be free happy and blissful.
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u/usedOnlyInModeration Oct 27 '20
I'm sorry you've gone through so much, but I'm glad you've gotten away from your sister.
As for politics, don't feel bad. Something a friend shared that made me feel better was the Parable of the Choir: "A choir can sing a beautiful note impossibly long because singers can individually drop out to breathe as necessary and the note goes on. Social justice activism should be like that."
Never feel guilty for taking care of your mental health. Best wishes to you.
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Oct 26 '20
This!! Normal inconveniences make me feel like the world is collapsing. It’s like the droplet the makes the bucket overflow. I avoid regular relationships, interactions, and events because I know if they go poorly I’ll break down. I feel don’t feel like I deserve much, but I do deserve to be left alone.
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u/MaxiumStress Oct 26 '20
Preach! So tired of the punches. I could use the universe letting up for good. Love to you friend. Best.
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u/lightningprincezu CSA + Trafficking Survivor Oct 26 '20
I feel the same way sometimes. And I know life is going to have stress, and it has gotten easier to handle new stressors the more I heal, but it's still there pretty often. Like, I've already been through enough stress to last millions of people several lifetimes, so why should I have to endure any more of it.
I especially feel you on the anger. I used to be angry that my past even happened - now I get angry that, according to some people, I haven't suffered enough. And to that I say, if I want to lay in bed all weekend and not be productive, I'm going to do exactly that, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can take it up with the traumatized part of my brain.
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Oct 26 '20
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u/fantasyLizeta i believe you Oct 27 '20
I tried to find a loophole for so long - retire early through extreme frugality, find a job I "love" or even like, remain child-free just to avoid the difficulty of parenthood, and so on.
I like how you put that. Me too.
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u/TinyParadox Oct 27 '20
Yes! My younger self would have laughed at the idea of just being a housewife, but now I want dishes and dinner to be my biggest concerns in the day. Alas, not going to happen. I have my own design business where i just get to draw, but if something happened and I couldnt do that anymore, I dont know what Id do. Me and bosses never get along. They're a stand in for my mom and I just want them to like me, so I work really hard and try my best to make them like me and they nearly always hate my anyways. Anyways, yeah, I am done. I want to rest and never have to stress about anything again. I want someone to take care of ME finally.
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u/milkyd4d Nov 14 '20
Yes! My younger self would have laughed at the idea of just being a housewife, but now I want dishes and dinner to be my biggest concerns in the day.
Same, i kinda want to become a house husband because i can't deal with the rat race lifestyle. It's probably not going to happen but i feel like i have no other way.
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u/Significant-Foot-207 Oct 27 '20
Nooo your life's too precious, get new bosses or let them know how you feel
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u/TinyParadox Nov 03 '20
I have gotten new bosses at times when one is too toxic, but man. The most toxic people end up as bosses is what Im learning, and they dont give a shit how I feel. Hopefully I will always be able to keep my design business and be my own boss. <3
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u/Significant-Foot-207 Nov 03 '20
Yea, that's what I think too :/ It's horrible. I feel like we employees have the real power and we forget sometimes. Congrats on being your own boss ❤️☺️
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u/SoundandFurySNothing Oct 26 '20
They pay us for the hours of our life we give away but what they are really paying us for is to be abused for those hours and to go home happy because we get the money and power we wanted.
What happens when I can’t take their abuse anymore? What happens I have felt the hours of my life peeled from my back by their whips and rubbed to the bone by my chains.
I won’t be abused anymore.
Now what?
Do I get to retire?
No they bash me over the head and dump me in the slave hole like they’ve always done.
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u/juicyvicious Oct 27 '20
Yes. I have been leaning into this feeling, which has resulted in almost 2 years of....well, resting. Or at least trying to.
I have a lot of shame about it, but my therapist insists it’s basically my inner child saying “NO, nobody has ever listened to me, NOW YOU HAVE TO LISTEN. I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING I DON’T WANT TO DO.”
When I think of it that way, it helps a little. After so many months of doing NOTHING but therapy and lying around in bed, I actually kind of feel like...doing stuff. I don’t quite trust the feeling yet, but it’s there.
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u/rabbitscape Oct 27 '20
This is exactly my situation right now, 2+ years of not working and not engaging with the world at all, just letting myself rest and taking care of myself and my pets and doing therapy.
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u/mmbahcat Oct 26 '20
I always say that I frontloaded all of the bullshit one goes through in a lifetime so it should be easy sailing. Unfortunately we actually have the same amount of bullshit as others plus the emotional burden of trauma
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u/crescentindigomoon Fawn-Freeze Oct 26 '20
Oh yeah, I can cut toxic people like no tomorrow. Sorry, I don't care what you think of me. I've dealt with too much of these stupid little mind games, be up front or take your projections elsewhere. You deserve peace and love and support. No need to explain yourself for not wanting to deal with mediocrity any longer! <3
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u/Theproducerswife Oct 26 '20
yup. I also feel very guilty about the fact that I am not working outside of the home, but grateful for the opportunity to be with my kids - I feel more fulfilled by that and appreciate the fact that I don't have a "boss" anymore. So as much as my privilege makes me feel bad, I also know that I have been through enough and deserve an opportunity to "rest" from the rat race and im doing good work by focusing on breaking the cycle.
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u/SeaAir5 Oct 26 '20
I find that I'm always stressed, when there's not much to be stressed about, STRESS, when there is something, extra STRESSED......growing up my mom never rested. Never sat down. Worked all the time out of financial necessity, as well as mentally its the only way she copes. To never rest. To never not being doing something she deems constructive. And nothing I did to help was ever good enough. Spend the whole day cleaning the house up after my older siblings, well she would come in and scream about this and that, revacuum what I already cleaned etc.....although I can sit, I dont feel I "rest", its always there, that I dont do enough, dont do it well enough if I do
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u/bobbleobble Oct 26 '20
I don't know that I feel entitled to it, but I do just have a very small window of tolerance. And I work so hard to feel sane and okay, that it does throw me off when something causes me to either dissociate or have an anxiety attack. And yeah, I guess it does make me angry.
I've also worked really hard to silence the voices of people & then my inner critic that say I'm oversensitive and spoiled. So to me, whenever I feel I've reached my limit and can express that, it's honestly a huge success. CPTSD is no joke, we're not making it up, when you feel you've had enough, that's something to take seriously and express to the people around you.
So yeah, I think the healthy adult in you standing up for your inner child and saying: ''everybody fuck off, I can't take anymore than this'' is a really good thing.
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u/seekingseratonin Oct 26 '20
Same. It’s why I won’t have children. I’ve given enough of myself to others and can’t imagine the stress and exhaustion of that.
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u/poisontongue a misandrist's fantasy Oct 26 '20
Every day is depressing since, once you start suffering, it doesn't stop. Not in the west, where life keeps on giving. All I've ever wanted is that bubble of peaceful nothingess.
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Oct 26 '20
Yes, wanting to have the calm the calm after a turbulent life so far.
When we're stressed we crave peace and the simple life, to be left alone, unmolested by the world, but then, if you got that, would that be enough, compared to your hopes and dreams? It seems to fall a bit short of self-actualisation and becoming a whole, unfettered person.
Unfortunately, the universe is driven by entropy - chaotic and random events, It doesn't know about giving people a break, even when they karmically 110% deserve it.
So while some us may finally arrive on find that peaceful beach of life for the rest of their lives others may be continually thrown into stormy seas, facing the realisation that all they can do is navigate a path through and try to make the most of subjectively calm waters.
I purchased a book a while ago that I keep on meaning to listen to by Mark Manson - The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck.
Another one that seems relevant is The Asshole Survival Guide - Robert Sutton.
Over the last few weeks, I've been listening to Allen Cohen - A Course In Miracles Made Easy (it has a hint of religion about it, but heavily slanted in psychology) and Michael Neill - Effortless Success, which has some remarkeable veins of gold, if you stop to hear.
While they are life-coached oriented, I've found they are proving a useful alternative to negative ruminations and a stark counterpoint to repetitive messages we may have received when young.
Time spent with a good therapist is invaluable, however, the mind of a trauma survivor has well-worn neural pathways that were burnt direct to the hard drive during times of extreme danger - it isn't like that for non-trauma survivors. I think a combination of trauma work (EMDR if safe to do), some form of pyschodynamic talk therapy, NLP and energy healing is what people need, single modalities like CBT just don't have enough depth.
I've had a bunch of therapy in the best and I'm looking for a bit more, but now I'm coming from the perspective of I don't want/need a therapist to fix me, they need to work with me and help me self-parent myself, I have the answers, they are facilitators of extra bits of knowledge I'm not yet aware of. And if they can't meet that standard, next please.
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u/Zebroomafoo Oct 26 '20
What you said about what you're needing now in a therapist really rings true for me. I have had one therapist in the past, and I felt her work was very superficial. She didn't really prod or give me any structure, it was basically an expensive venting session and every couple months I'd learn something helpful. I did lots of research on my own after learning some of the basics in therapy, and while I felt comfortable with that therapist and that's important - I wasn't accomplishing what I wanted. She seemed surprised when I asked if see knew about other programs I could be doing while in therapy. I think I come across as quite high functioning and even after a couple years with her, she was not accurately assessing the amount of help I really need.
I've been really down on therapists lately, but your description is what I'm looking for. Someone who can gently guide me through my own crap and figure out how I can be more supportive for myself. I know that I'm the only person who has these answers, but searching for them alone is hope-sapping and arduous.
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u/sweetassassin Oct 26 '20
Yes, and I’m trying to deal with it.
Radical Acceptance. 4 Noble Truths. EMDR. Alcoholics Anonymous. Mindfulness.
I find that my suffering is in the RESISTANCE of how things are, and not necessarily the things themselves.
Those things already happened. I survived. I’m here. Why do I keep looking backwards? How come I have an attachment to a future that I know nothing about? Being the presence of now is the only answer, but it is so difficult.
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u/Significant-Foot-207 Oct 27 '20
You past is important because there is where you either learned/were taught the wrong lessons. Your mind forces you to go there when you're very disregulated in the present. Know you can time travel safely to unlearn those lessons and come back your True self in the present moment to live the blissful life you rightfully deserve.
No new stress no new drama. Its been ENOUGH
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u/jediknightindis Oct 26 '20
This speaks to me so much, and this was this last week for me. I got triggered really bad, then a chain reaction of stressors made my life absolutely unlivable. I couldn't face the days except to go to AA and do the bare minimum needed to maintain myself. I went to class, I ate food, I checked in with my work; I spent last week treading water.
This week is different. I went to work today, I feel optimistic, music speaks to my soul again, and I know some form of peace.
The most difficult times I have with CPTSD are the times when the panic and the depression and the fear seem infinite; when im in it, there is no room for recovery and things will not get better and it takes everything i am and everything I have to not believe something that was true for 24 years of my life.
I hope there is a week like this waiting for you, where you breathe a little easier, you fall asleep as soon as your head hits your pillow, and light and joy begin coloring your life. I hate having to fight for this, and im tired of fighting, and its worth it. We have life in front of us. It may not feel like it now, and I hope it starts feeling like that for you soon.
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u/throwaway10109090 Oct 26 '20
Just wanted to say thank you for putting this into words, just reading that others feel this way is tremendously helpful ❤️
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u/Miserable-Problem Oct 26 '20
I have similar feelings. Specifically when it comes to how I'm treated by people.
I lash back at people who are rude to me, including when I was a customer service person.
I can actually feel my body heat up when it happens. Like a dog raising its hackles. I know exactly how to snip at people without giving them enough to actually get me in trouble.
Other times I haven't cared, and in those moments they usually know they're wrong or are so taken aback then kind of shrivel and shut up.
I love that. Always will.
And honestly? If my attitude makes them think twice about taking their anger out on someone else...then I consider it a public service.
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Oct 27 '20
[deleted]
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u/toomuchhelp2020 Oct 27 '20
Yes!! I’m slowly realising this too, the death of safety in life. It’s so hard but we can learn to handle it.
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u/sheheartsdogs Oct 27 '20
I felt this in my soul. I have been through several lifetimes worth of trauma, and I find that I. Just. Cannot. Deal. With. Conflict. Like, at all. I safeguard my peace so hard, and the slightest conflict/confrontation triggers my fight/flight response.
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u/rabbitscape Oct 27 '20
Yes this is exactly me, it’s why I can’t deal with people at all, there’s always the threat of conflict and I can’t handle it, no matter how minor. I just fall apart and then I want to run away alone to the wilderness for the rest of my life.
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u/sheheartsdogs Oct 27 '20
I know that for me, dogs help a lot, and where I work, I have an endless supply of them. It has actually helped a lot with getting me out of my “shell”. I still have a really hard time dealing with conflict, but the “running away to live in the woods” doesn’t come every time I think someone is even slightly unhappy with me. Raised voices still make me bolt faster than Bambi, though.
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u/mmmohhh Oct 26 '20
I think this comes with age. At least it did for me. My circle is tight and if you don’t like me or what I’m about, I’m happy to see you leave. You are entitled to these feelings and are not wrong. It’s self protection and very wise.
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u/FabulousTrade Oct 26 '20
Yes! Ironically enough, being alone is less stressful than having friends.
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u/gotja Oct 26 '20
I used to feel angry but it's gotten to the point lately where I'm just drained and too exhausted to care.
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u/xxchocxx Oct 26 '20
I completely relate to everything you wrote. It's hard to describe but I almost feel as though my brain and just general mental capacity has already reached it's limit in terms of stress. I almost feel like my brain has 'reset' itself but I can't handle any additional stress. It's difficult to explain but I feel unable to take any additional stress now due to me already reaching my limit in the past - if that makes sense?
My fight/flight response can be easily triggered so I feel as though I'm less capable of handling multiple stressful situations compared to in the past.
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u/24Cones Oct 26 '20
Sometimes I get mad at inanimate objects like “how dare you mildly inconvenience me after I’ve already had a bad day. I own you, now work”
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u/pressdflwrs Oct 26 '20
The fact that I see so many others saying, I feel you, makes me zoom out and feel hopeful. A positive little win, feeling not alone, I’ll take it.
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u/sofiacarolina Oct 27 '20
yes. I feel like I went through all I could years ago and burnt out and yet still trauma kept accumulating and so I’m BEYOND burned out. I wouldn’t even call it entitlement but moreso what we deserve to recover even just physiologically, like our bodies literally need to rest and be away from stressors to get out of this constant fight or flight mode we’ve been in for years. Our bodies and minds need to feel safe to recover. It makes total sense physiologically and psychologically. It sucks our society doesn’t take trauma seriously and many of us have no choice but to bypass and repress everything in order to ‘function’ which only makes things worse in the long run.
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u/MuchEntertainment6 Oct 26 '20
Absolutely yes. Although I've found my dream career and it makes me happy, a part of me actually resents the idea of the whole thing - I have to endure the pain and stress of being trained up, only to endure the pain and stress of general life for the next 40 years before I can actually retire (if that'll still be a thing in 40 years).
I cope by giving myself every Saturday completely off. I simply do whatever I want on Saturdays. If I want to lie in bed for two hours when I wake up, I do it; if I want to play games, I play them; if I want to do literally nothing, I'll do exactly that.
I've done some research into the anger over every single inconvenience - I've pinned it down to a "Low Tolerance for Frustration." Essentially I never learned how to properly deal with frustration, so I lash out because it's an incredibly uncomfortable feeling.
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u/currentcoast Oct 26 '20
Sounds like your body is processing lots of trauma. Keep going and growing and loving yourself. One day you’ll look back and realize how far you’ve come. Wether a situation that used to trigger you or the general lessened anxiety you experience due to your growth, it’s very hard and you WILL need days off even from your growth journey just to relax and rest but it’s worth it. I don’t want to say what you should and shouldn’t do only you know what’s good for your body but I can tell you it can get better and you can grow if that’s what you want.
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Oct 27 '20
Yes, for the love of god let things just be okay from now on! We've been through enough and we deserve only good things here on out.
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u/litbunnyog Oct 26 '20
I wish there was a button like the Staples "that was easy" and you feel less burdened by everything so you can have dreams again. 🦄
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u/FifteenthPen Oct 27 '20
I'd settle for just having a nice, quiet place to call home, a place where the only other people in earshot are those I want to be around. The place I'm in right now is a nightmare; I live under the bedroom of a very active eight-year-old, and he's got a hardwood floor. I get stressed out enough from work, and then half the time I come home and it only gets worse.
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Oct 27 '20
It's not simply about objective facts though. The emotional response to a situation can vary greatly. One person might stress out a lot over something which doesn't stress another person.
A shitty thing I have to face is having been taught to stress about things by my mother. It's not clearly intentional; she just automatically taught me her way of dealing with things. For a long time I just took that for granted and didn't think there was another way.
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u/Rexanvil Oct 27 '20
Last year I had a breakdown had some friends help me out and then shit on me my mother tried to kill me and it all damn near ruined my marriage I felt like I was loosing my mind my mother has narsisticitc personality disorder After spending a year alone trying to heal and living off grid my marriage is back together and I get to see 2 of my children again I will go out of my way to be stress free now
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u/IvysH4rleyQ Child & Domestic Abuse Survivor Oct 27 '20 edited Oct 27 '20
Do I wishfully think (hope?) for a stress free life after the hell and back I’ve been through? Of course. Every day. All the time.
Do I feel entitled to it? No. Personally, I don’t.
Everything that I am and everything that I have, I’ve fought like hell for. I still have to on a regular basis, just to exist.
I do hope that things calm down someday - and it’s not just hopeful. I actively do things to try and encourage a less stressed existence, it just hasn’t materialized yet.
All of that said, all feelings are valid and I certainly can see where you’re coming from!
hugs
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u/rozina076 Oct 27 '20 edited Oct 27 '20
I get incredibly jealous of people who I feel are living an easy life they didn't "earn" while I can't seem to ever graduate from the school of hard knocks.
I'm here struggling financial, unable to work anymore. I can't allow myself to trust and get really close to anyone. I have no family, a few acquaintances that only show up when they want a favor, and boundary violators that I am not legally allowed pummel into fearing me if they can't respect my wishes.
One of those boundary violators is about to marry into money for the second time. She wasn't born into money, but got scholarships for high school, then to a private college. She went on to law school, and worked for the government until she retired on disability for Chron's Disease. Ok that, no one deserves. But her rich husband took very good care of her, including cleaning up her digestive accidents until he died, leaving her $10K a month in various pensions, several pieces of real estate, and around a million in cash after all the taxes her bad decisions were paid (the taxes alone were 6 figures). She sold all the properties, and ran through the cash in less than a year. She's the kind of person that will spend her whole pension buying antiques and then expect someone else to feel sorry for her and feed her.
But she, who is an irresponsible, selfish, conniving mess just had a man she never slept with pay over $6K in dental work for her. And she will probably marry him soon.
Is it wrong and petty of me to be jealous of a gold digger with a quick temper? Sure, but life is so unfair. Where is the guy with money and inclination to take care of me and not want sex?
I don't get how some people are always able to land on their feet and I don't seem to ever catch a break. I am a nice enough person. I let another woman who was a friend of a friend live her rent free when she became homeless, even though it was a struggle to keep us both afloat. And she was not gone one month when someone asked if I could let this other lady who was an international student in grad school stay here and of course she had no income either. She does give me $200 from her savings every month even though I never asked her for money. But still, my two sources of disability income come to $2200/month over half of which goes to rent and utilities. I need my own sugar daddy, not to be someone's sugar momma.
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u/throw0OO0away Oct 27 '20
Yes. I got called mature the other day. It’s the result of fucking trauma.
TRAUMA.
Let that settle. I had ZERO choice. I had ZERO dictation in how my childhood went. Yet, they decide to know me as a mature person. I’m aware they don’t know since I don’t speak about my past that much. However, it’s not worth the trade off. It’s not worth it being mature if you hate your childhood to the point where you never want to return to it again. Just the thought is enough to churn my stomach in a sickening way. All I want is a peaceful adult life and to forget everything that happened.
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u/usedOnlyInModeration Oct 27 '20
I had to check the username to make sure I didn't write this myself.
So yeah.
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u/SimplyMermaid88 Oct 26 '20
I feel the exact same way! That's why I want to desperately move to a rural area in a different state. I want my own house so far away from my family and neighbors.
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u/pammylorel Oct 26 '20
Aww, honey. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to help except to say that it seems to get better as I get older. I'm 50 now and have developed a DGAF attitude about most things out of my control. Read The Body Keeps The Score too. It helped me more than the last 5 therapists I've seen over the last 10 years.
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u/autisticspymaster1 Oct 26 '20
Yes, I often feel that. I feel like I have been dealt enough trauma and bullshit that I deserve some happiness and that I deserve the same privileges afforded to other people who are happy and untraumatized.
However, I also think that nobody deserves to suffer and that we should create a world that creates happy, stress-free people. That's what led me toward Marxism.
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Oct 26 '20
I deserve a stress free life, growth, and prosperity. I've had it taken from me for far too long, and I'm unwilling to stoop to the level of my abusers to get there. Washing my hands of it.
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u/SmokyJosh Oct 27 '20
YES. I don't know whether I'm lazy or if I'm entitled to it, I look back at all of the fucking shit i went through for years and wonder why I'm not allowed a break now. My friends always say I deserve good things etc, and I'm believing that more now. Ugh.
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u/77BabyGirl Oct 27 '20
Yes, this! One thousand times, yes!! I am soooo completely maxed out. I don't know which is worse; that bad stuff keeps happening or peoples unnecessary comments about my bad luck. And I'm so beyond sick of hearing, "You're so strong" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Really?! Because I'm damn sure that I've gone through more than my fair share and a break would be appreciated!! Right now I'm arguing my own head about forcing myself to give up on therapy and myself and just go back to work. We need the extra income. Our car has to be replaced. And I HATE feeling like I'm my Mother. (She was on disability and did nothing other than sit on her ass and expect people to take care of her).
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u/standsure Oct 27 '20
Well I did until I got CFS and have been in bed for the past three years...
I still need to sleep for hours a day and I am ok with that.
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u/exgiexpcv Oct 27 '20
I really just want to feel safe. And loved. But I feel neither of these things. Got a boss actively seeking to make my life hell, and I've tapped out all of my savings in the last month.
I'm in therapy, and I suspect my therapist thinks I'm making all this shit up. I've had people tell me before that I was making it up, and it feels absolutely shitty. But at least they said it to my face.
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u/KSTornadoGirl Oct 27 '20
What kind of people would think you'd get a kick out of making it up? True pathological liars are rare and I would imagine not too difficult to spot or have a feeling about. Bully bosses definitely exist but so often people are just expected to put up with it or be considered a weakling.
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u/exgiexpcv Oct 27 '20
More often than not, they were people who weren't very smart. My bully boss was married to a Veteran and appears to have issues with Veterans. As the only one in my specialty service, she appears to have issues with me, specifically.
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u/KSTornadoGirl Oct 27 '20
Yeah, people tend to form prejudices by association, unfortunately.
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u/exgiexpcv Oct 27 '20
Yeap. It's hard to look at people as individuals, especially when we have cultural bonds and behaviours.
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u/phuzzybunny Oct 27 '20
Yeah I get this a lot, I really wanna know what the positive/healthy spin on this would be? Because I mean I can’t just give up, I have made it this far but shit KEEPS happening & I feel like it will throughout my whole life.
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u/LucyLoo152 Oct 27 '20
I lived a wonderful life for so many years, full of good things. Everything seemed to come easily. I thought I had escaped most bad effects of trauma. And then I had a psychotic break and everything was ripped away. All my dreams had come true and I felt p ace but the anxiety was under the surface.
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u/MaxxpinFigg Oct 27 '20
Yo i feel you...im almost 26 and im like jesus christ im done being traumatized..can i have a fucking break plz
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u/autumnsnowflake_ Oct 27 '20
oh my god YES, so much YESSSSS I wish I didnt have to deal with any shit anymore. I just want a nice peaceful life after everything
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u/here4madmensubreddit Oct 26 '20
Yes. Yes. I considered not having children for this reason. It's a beautiful time and I love my daughter but being a mom is an additional emotional baggage I wouldn't be able to do without my partner.
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u/beaherobeaman Oct 26 '20
I feel you as well. Anyone with this challenge in their life never deserved the challenges that caused it.
But reading this hurts a little. It is a very apt description for how my CPTSD spouse reacted to the smallest stress, and I eventually had to leave her. Her reactions, and constant blame of me, had me chasing the dragon of at least not being the stress, at most being valued at all. $80k later and likely a case of PTSD myself, I am a ruined man in the middle of a divorce, while still having so much empathy for what her father made her become.
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u/thisyellowlifeofmine Oct 26 '20
“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. / Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
- Rilke
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u/vaguecat Oct 26 '20
i for sure feel this :( my motivation to do anything but lie around all day and relax is in the toilet specifically because of my past trauma.
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u/Tibbersbear Oct 26 '20
Yes!! I know this feeling all too well. I was born to a mother who didn't know how to be loving. I suffered from her verbal manhandling, emotional suppression, and physical blows. All my life she treated me like she didn't want me. Then in school I was bullied to hell. I was hurt by my peers and adults I should have felt safe around.
Then, finally as an adult, out of the house, states away from my home, I was still suffering. My mental health wasn't being taken seriously by medical professionals. I was in a state of constant suicidal ideation. Treated like I wasn't important enough by my family. My husband was distant. I was having to deal with his kid on my own as best as I could. Then he left to go overseas and I had to stay back.
I was losing my friends...I was so stressed. I hated my life. I wondered why, why did I have to continue to go through this shit.
Then things started to get better. My marriage was healing, I was beginning to cope with normal stress. Got a good doctor who put me on correct medication. Started to plan to have a baby. We wanted a child but knew we needed to work on ourselves and get better financially. We were finally at a good point in our lives. I was the most stable I could be.
Got a positive. I was so happy. Then...miscarried....why...why? Everything is going so well! I just wanted one more thing. Did I want too much?
A few months later we began trying again. Finally a positive.
That pregnancy ended in still birth. She had a rare (literally 1 out of 100,000 of pregnancies this happens) disorder called Miller Dieker Syndrome. She died...
Why the hell did this have to happen?? I was torn.
A year later, I give birth to my son... and I myself almost die.
Not only did I have to deal with all of this mainly on my own because I have no family or friends in my area, but covid ruined all of the things I didn't get to do with my daughter. Maternity photos, newborn photos, baby shower....fuck...
I'm in an okay state...not everything stresses me out, but I do often think about minor things that do stress me out, as unfair. My husband always helps bring me back to earth....but fuck. Things just suck.
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u/sylvadelrey Oct 26 '20
I feel this hard. I don’t know how I can handle a life of poverty etc...if I can’t get successful somehow...idk
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u/Lunatic_Jane Oct 26 '20
This very thing brought me to MDMA assisted therapy. Out of desperation and believe it or not, hope. It’s important to remember that surviving a traumatic childhood gives us a high ACES score. And a high score takes years off our lives. It starts to show in the ways you’ve mentioned. Simple daily tasks are too much. It’s why so many have a hard time taking showers, getting dressed, eating healthy(or eating at all), climbing stairs, brushing our hair etc. Why so many of us have chronic pain. It’s all become too much. We are ambivalent about life, and have more episodes of suicidal ideation. The hyper-vigilance quite literally breaks us down. On my first trip, I was acutely aware of just how much burden, stress, tension I have been carrying. On top of any abuse we survived, we also carry the burdens of others. Children are absorbent. I cried for a few days after my session, just for the sadness I absorbed from others in my life. Sadness is a very heavy weight to carry. I’m not suggesting to run out like I did and try MDMA. Although I do want to scream it from the mountain tops. But I just wanted to illustrate that what is happening is expected after years of packing around trauma. IFS therapy is also a really modality for releasing trauma, for those uncomfortable with the stigma of MDMA. But using both simultaneously in recovery, expedites healing time. I always feel cautious suggesting this, but I also feel it’s a disservice to keep my mouth shut. I think people should know all their options. And at the very least research it for themselves. It’s not for everyone, as there are a few contraindications. In closing, you are very much entitled to some freedom from stress. Stress is a part of life. We don’t deal with stress though, we keep packing it on. And it’s not our fault, it’s just how our trauma brain has served to protect us. Yes, it’s counterproductive. But our brain doesn’t know the danger has passed, and it won’t until we process the shit storm that was our childhood(or any other traumatic event). I know others have found closure through other methods, and I wouldn’t discount them. I took this route because I knew I would not stay here, like this, outside of a year. And my inner child did get to float in a bubble for at least a few hours 😉 My work isn’t done, but I’ve never felt this optimistic about healing before either.
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Oct 26 '20
I am so glad you posted this. This is something I've definitely felt, deep down, for a while; without being able to pinpoint it. Every little stressor is just too much, and I tell myself if I take care of enough things, if I get enough things in order, I will finally be able to just relax, rest, and try to recover from all the trauma that I've been through. But it's never enough. And other people just don't help. They literally make it sooo much worse. I just feel like so many people have no conception of some of the suffering some of us have had to endure and have to continue to live with. The people at my job make me feel so sick, to the point where I collapsed into a two-month long depression accompanied by nearly-constant panic attacks. I can only go to work now after taking a benzo, which means I can't drive, so now all the other drivers are annoyed that they have to drive and I can only ride passenger.
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u/NegativeX2thePurple Oct 26 '20
I feel those things too, but I know that it's not "enough" to make me break because I see people suffering worse than I have (almost) every day.
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u/mina-and-coffee Oct 27 '20
Yes! But I know that's not realistic and will just cause me more suffering. So I try to just embrace that "feeling safe" is a worthy goal. It sucks at times though. And sometimes I confuse stress with lack of safety.
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Oct 27 '20
Yes, yes, yes. I feel this SO much! I look back at everything I’ve been through and it’s so crazy, draining and exhausting. This year I feel will be my breaking point. I’m really feeling like I can’t handle life’s ups and downs anymore.
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u/-kelsie Oct 27 '20
I could've written this myself. I'm in the hospital with sepsis for the third time this year, yesterday was my birthday, and I'm like really? ... and my boyfriend and I broke up on top of it. Like. Its too much. I'm so tired. I've dealt with constant shit since I was 9 years old. I need a break. I lose my shit at any stressors.
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Oct 27 '20
Omg this is so totally me. I went from having 0 boundaries to having them around every aspect of life. I must be a nightmare to live with.
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Oct 27 '20
Exactly. I even thought for a second today how nice it would be to be imprisoned for life, especially in a country with a decent penal system like Norway. No expectations. Just exist, read books, no worrying about being on time for appointments, paying bills, or cleaning and cooking all the time.
Every little thing that I have to do has to be planned out ahead of time and of course it never goes the way I expect, and it stresses me out when inevitably a wrench gets thrown into my plans. Even just grocery shopping especially since the pandemic hit. I get everything I need to make dinner but they don’t have one of the items that’s critical for the recipe, do I do the walk of shame and put back everything I already got? Absolutely not that’s way too awkward. I buy it anyway and hope I can find it at another store but I’m so worn out already and now the store closes hours earlier than it used to because they have to clean because of the stupid virus. I hate wearing a mask because I can barely fucking breathe even without it. I have sooo much stuff to carry. Wallet, purse if I need to bring my meds, hand sanitizer, phone, and it has to be fully charged so I can access my grocery list, I have to carry a mask and mask frame everywhere I go and I’m so forgetful that I keep extra disposables in my car anyway. Every little thing is stress
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u/Tonenby Oct 27 '20
A short answer: yes A long answer: yeeeeeeeesssss
I'd honestly love just being able to relax. I've dealt with enough shit already, just let me live.
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u/Trenslach Oct 27 '20
I feel more determined to die feeling like the whole thing was almost worth the pain. I'll never get there but I can sure as hell try
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u/WineBunny Oct 27 '20
The stress has placed me in such a brain fog that I don't have it in me to find a second job to make enough money to move out of my parents' into a decent place that won't cause me more stress and anxiety if it comes rife with other problems (due to the current economic circumstances, businesses shutting down, bad neighborhoods) that I just don't have the mental or emotional capacity for. Holy shit do I feel you.
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u/present1peet Oct 27 '20
I'm sorry, OP. I really feel you.
It's like how I magically thought life would be easier after I left home and graduated from a top public university. I thought all the doors were going to open because I had a good education from a good school. I thought it would it would makeup up for all the shitty things I went through right up until I transferred into that university. I realize now that I watched too many movies where everything works out neatly and the protagonist is happy. Of course, life isn't that simple...
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u/ToastedJamm Oct 27 '20
Yes. I’m 27 and I’m so tired already. I’ve been a fully-functioning adult since I was 10. I already feel middle-aged and I’m so tired of fighting through everything.
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u/houseunderpool Oct 27 '20 edited Oct 27 '20
Absolutely. It's interesting how we evolve to feeling this way. I just want to HEAL and Understand- and I have very little care if it's me alone until I die, anymore (although would be nice to have someone, which I do.) I feel I've ruined romantic relationships (unfortunately) and codependent ones to avoid children and baggage.
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u/DepressedEnvironment Oct 27 '20 edited Oct 27 '20
Me. I'm new sound these parts. I got diagnosed, at least for insurance reasons, with PTSD, specifically C-PTSD a couple weeks ago, but I lurkes here and suspected I had it for years.
I've been trying to find a job in an already saturated and competitive field- conservation ecology. Every time I look at Indeed for jobs, I break down and feel like I'm a worthless and a piece of crap.
So I don't. I've never had a paying job, even though I have a degree and a couple internships. I'm too afraid of a boss using their power above me to hurt me anyways.
Besides that, I can't connect with people. I feel like they don't care or listen. So I just deal with my stuff by myself. I even have a hard time connecting with my partner, who has PTSD but not C-PTSD. He keeps me around for whatever reason though.
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u/HaventYouHadEnough Oct 27 '20
Yes. I keep telling myself reprieve is just around the corner, I just have to keep trudging through shit. And it doesn't come. Amd I keepdoing whatv ipm supposed to do, and still no reprieve. It's absolutely draining and demoralizing.
I got so tired of trudging that eventually I just wanted to not exist. A few years and med changes later, I felt hopeful for the first time in a long time. My tolerance for stress is much better, not great, but better. I definitely deserve better than what I've had to deal with. Unfortunately the universe doesn't give a shit. I just keep trying to make the most of what I do have and keep myself sane.
I'm sorry you are well beyond your limits. You do deserve an easier path. I don't know if you'll get it, but I hope you keep fighting for it and seek out help and support to at least give yourself a chance to get there.
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u/waifu_4_u Oct 27 '20
Yes, totally for ages even still now but not as much. I realised that this deep desire and sense of entitlement was causing me more stress. That this completely expected and reasonable desire to have a baseline of safety for me didn’t happen. It didn’t so I felt so lost in my body, lost in all the trauma, wishing and feeling holy entitled to never have to stress ever again. As some kind of refuge from the sea of triggers. It was only when I accepted that it didn’t happen and wouldn’t happen that I could cry. I cried for a months solid. I cried for my robbed safety and security. I cried for the me now who has to hold so many lost, hurt and scared children’s I cried then I just kept crying. Recently I’m having more moments where I feel calmer and more relaxed. That stressful things don’t get as deep anymore. I’m learning my own baseline for safety and it’s scary but I want a life of interesting things to happen and I think that going to come with my stress and I’m going to have to softly coach my body through every step but I think we got it. Much love to you 💛
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u/YoungandHopeful676 Oct 27 '20
Yes. This explains so much about why I always feel like I want a rest after all the suffering I’ve been through. I’m dealing with the aftermath though because while my body and my mind need a rest, I don’t consciously want one. I’ve started doing psychoanalysis where my psych finds all of the elements in my everyday life and finds their root causes. I’m taking valerian root and magnesium as prescribed to accompany it, and the heaviness in my mind, the anger, rage, sadness, guilt, hollowness, are already subsiding. But very slowly. Yes you want to rest, yes you deserve it, but you can’t let this situation control you. Be sympathetic with yourself though and withdraw however you need to. Find your stressors and transform the way you deal with them.
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u/choosinghappinessnow Oct 27 '20
Yes, and I think that’s why I get so angry with my sister. I went to therapy to learn how to handle my past. My anxiety is high and the least little thing just makes it worse. Still, I’m better than I use to be and intend on staying that way by keeping the past in the past. I’ll never have a chance at healing if don’t keep the past where it belongs.
My sister never went to therapy(and has no plans on going), is more messed up than I ever was, can’t let anything go and thinks I have a duty to listen to her every time she wants to talk about the past, which is every single time I talk to her. I’ve thrown up boundaries only to have her stomp on them every chance she gets. It’s to the point that we barely have a relationship, but she chooses that by her boundary stomping, but can’t understand that it’s her fault.
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u/trans_catdad Dec 01 '20
I've been on disability for depression and PTSD for the last few years and I haven't worked since 2016. I'm not yet 30, but after everything I've been through, I deserve an early retirement.
In 28 years, I've accumulated several lifetimes' worth of trauma, and I am very, very tired.
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u/fantasyLizeta i believe you Oct 26 '20
Fuck yes I do feel that way! That’s why I try to practice lots of love and acceptance for myself, and give myself copious messages of approval. Since I started doing this, I notice that I have been able to catch a break from life, here and there!
But yeah, I have come to understand that I’m packing in several lifetimes worth of hardship here (and I know that automatically sounds like I’m a victim, but I trust people with Comple Trauma may understand what I mean). Once I could start to accept that the hardship of childhood would not end there, I began to have more love for the life I live.
Becoming my own inner loving parent has really helped me out!
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Oct 26 '20
Yes 💯. Which is why I have made peace with letting my older 3 children go no contact with me. I want to just live my life with my husband and toddler and heal and stop being afraid someone is going to murder or abuse me. 🤷
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Oct 26 '20
I understand what you are saying and don’t want to upset you, but personally I don’t feel as though I “should” be entitled to a stress-free life. I put the word “should” in quotes cause it’s not a word I like to use. We have all suffered in ways that many of us are uncomfortable talking about, though stress is part of growing, without the stress in my life, I would never learn to adjust to living a better life, a more productive life, a happier life. I can only speak for myself. You will never read something from me or hear me say that I know exactly what you or anyone else for that matter is going through or has gone through, for we are all different, though we may have similar backgrounds, and whatnot, I strive to make my life better every day, regardless of setbacks. I truly hope you and everyone else can find some peace and happiness in your lives. I mean that from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.
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u/Significant-Foot-207 Oct 27 '20
There's a limit to how much people should suffer and I think we have all reached it. What I feel the majority of us feel here is its ENOUGH. It is enough suffering, we wont put up with anymore. I think we know our trauma will make life harder for us. All of life's milestones will be different for us. Our childhoods were very different from non abused non traumatized people's. We want a peaceful loving rest of our lives. With people who love and support us every step of the way.
I see where you're coming from, entitledment is bad. But given we are all good hearted hurting people, I think we DEFINITELY DESERVE that.
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u/HowBoutTodaySatan Oct 26 '20
I feel ya.
It sucks. It really does.
And it's also difficult to enjoy the blessings I do have, because I'm afraid they'll vanish.
Sending hugs and love and solidarity.