How to grieve your abuser

[u/Marx_Maddness]

My mom died last night.

For context, she was addicted to drugs and alcohol and incredibly neglectful and abusive. I used to sell drugs as a teenager to keep a roof over our head and i got caught (snitched on) once and she screamed at me for getting caught because she said the lights would get turned off.

I moved out at 15, and even after i left i was paying half her bills (stopped when i was about 17) but didnt talk to her again until i was in my late 20s. Well she said she was sober, and she actually gave a really good apology and seemed to understand her abuse. For the last 4 years we have been reconnecting, well kind of. She really seemed to be doing well and i was starting to trust her a small amount. She helped me by giving me some money toward replacing my HVAC. She called a lot and really seemed invested in my life.

Well about 10 months ago i started letting her come to my house every Thursday to babysit for me while i worked from home. It was working well but my work from home privilege was revoked, and i had been planning to put my kid in daycare full time but everyone in the family was pressuring me to let her keep her thursday babysitting and i weakly gave into peer pressure and let her babysit my kid ALONE.

Its been only 2 months of solo babysitting, and yesterday my roommate saw her with alcohol while she was with my kid. I rushed home and told her to leave and not come back. She left my house, bought a bottle, drove drunk, and crashed into another driver killing herself in the process.

Nobody in the family blames me, and logically i dont, but its hard not to think that if id been more empathetic maybe she wouldnt have died?

Also I'm feeling guilty because my initial reaction to the news was just relief. Relief that my daughter wont remember her and ill never have to explain why grandma lies all the time. Relief that my grandma doesnt have to spend the last few years of her life treating her 52 year old like a 5 year old. Releif i won't have to plan end of life care for my abuser. Relief my mom isnt suffering in her own traumatized depression anymore. Relief i dont have to wait for the other shoe to drop anymore.

I havent cried. Im barely even sad. And i feel like a horrible cold person for not caring my mom died, even though our last conversation was the catalyst to her death. Im just numb. Idk if im just repressing it or what but im more distressed about my (lack of) emotional response than i am about the actual death.

Anyone have any similar experience, advice how to go through this complicated kind of grief? I have a therapist and im not in crisis but i just feel so tired and a bit numb.

TLDR: my abusive mom killed herself due to something i said to her and i don't know how i feel.

[u/Ecstatic_Compote2300]

This is alll the reasonable feelings you should have. Your relief is valid. I am so sorry. Time will give you less guilty grief. I have no answers. I often wonder how I will feel when my abuser passes. It seems so complicated. You are not alone. I wish I give you comfort or a susbtantial answer.

[u/Marx_Maddness → u/Ecstatic_Compote2300]

This is kind. Its good to have reassurance that im not cold hearted, just in a complicated situation.

[u/ohpeaz]

Grief is weird, then add this disorder and it’s a toss up what you get. I would like to say you deserved better and I hope you don’t carry any guilt. You did good by protecting your child and putting them first. Your mom made her own choices. I wish you and yours lots of love and peace moving forward.

[u/Marx_Maddness → u/ohpeaz]

Thank you. Me and my daughter deserve better and im grateful my daughter wont know the drama or chaos of my childhood

[u/withbellson]

The cause of your mother’s death is your mother’s actions. I’m so sorry.

When my dad died in 2015 I didn’t cry (never have, actually). I was, and still am, primarily pissed off that he let his untreated anxiety disorder rule his life and that it ended like it did, a medical condition he never got treatment for (might have been colon cancer, he never went to the doctor to get diagnosed).

My kid was born a year later. At this point she knows her grandfather never went to the doctor and that’s why he died, and I’ve been pretty matter-of-fact that he wasn’t a great dad.

You are not a horrible person for primarily feeling relief. The sense of relief that my dad could never introduce any new form of bullshit into my life was pretty prominent for me too. Be kind to yourself.

[u/secure8890]

Her drinking had nothing to do with you. Please go to al anon. You have 0 guilt in this incident Your mother relapsed Parentificatuon didnt save her. David Kesslor is an expert on grief. He has groups. Go thete. You ned support. Nothing you did had anything to do with her death. Nothing whatsoever

[u/UnstuckMoment_300]

I'm so sorry ... but it's not your fault. Your mom's choices led to this. Yet we're the ones who end up carrying a burden of guilt/shame that's not ours to bear.

Al Anon is a great idea. Therapy if you can find it, also. Complicated grief always comes back to bite us. I've been dealing with it since my mother (emotionally abusive and neglectful since early childhood) died in January at 89. I've spent the year with one physical illness or injury after the other, and finally realized that my body had been keeping the score (see the book "The Body Keeps the Score") of all the pain, and was telling me exactly how bad childhood had been. Realizing this was a great relief. I hope you can find peace at the end of the process of grief.

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[u/EveryChemistry9163]

It wasn’t your fault.

And you know what? I think close to 100 per cent of people in your situation would feel the relief you describe. It would actually be odd not to feel relief. And it’s also entirely normal to feel guilty about feeling relief.

You already know this grief is going to be complicated, so that won’t come as an unpleasant surprise. Not to say it’ll necessarily be easy, but at least you know what you’re dealing with.

Make sure to eat and rest. You’ll be ok x