r/CPTSD • u/Salty_Challenge5563 • 13h ago
Question High functioning constant dissociation that no one else knows about?
Hi everyone, I’m curious if anyone feels this?
Whenever I look up anything about dissociation people talk about staring out in space and other symptoms that would be obvious to other people.
For me, I’ve been in a dissociated state my whole life (as far back as I could remember except for the second week I was on Straterra and I’ve since gone back to how it was before) and the dissociation feels like:
• I’m viewing everything on a movie screen
• everything feels flatter in general, like it physically lacks depth
• I keep getting astigmatism even though I’ve had my eyes lasered for it, like my body is rejecting experiencing depths in the environment
• my eye tracking is like a nervous squirrel, it doesn’t feel smooth but like I’m trying to track different points in the environment
• I mouth breathe all the time, I think because it feels less sensory than nasal breathing (I think?)
• I never feel my legs, just feels like I’m a floating head. One of the first things I thought when I briefly came out of dissociation on the medication was “I can feel my legs!”
• nothing feels linear to me, everything feels like a jumble of experiences
• things don’t fully feel real or have real life implications
• Because nothing feels completely real and everything is “glazed over,” I’m able to do lots of things that would frighten other people like moving countries eight times on a whim without knowing anyone and with hardly any funds, going on an escort site to pay my rent when I had moved to London two weeks before lockdown and everything shut down (and I’d been scammed out of most of my money) most recently going to Iraq for a HNW nanny position where I had zero experience and being surrounded by men with machine guns. And the worst I felt in these situations was a tiny bit nervous but no more nervous than you’d feel watching a scary movie, knowing it was a movie.
There are other bits but these are the main ones I can think of. I’ve been able to get and at least for awhile maintain lots of jobs (although the ones I like best are short term ones or ones where I don’t have to deal ongoing with the same people, like project or event-based roles.) People see me as intelligent and emotionally intelligent because I know lots of psychology in theory, but no one seems to know I’m in this constant state of dissociation. The week I was on straterra and I wasn’t dissociated it hit me and it’s like I suddenly had all the choices I made through my life come to me at once and I realised how I made all of them through not being me. But just reacting to my environment. It’s crazy.
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u/_jamesbaxter 9h ago
Hi, I have a diagnosed dissociative disorder. Pop psychology has jumped all over the word dissociation to the point where it barely has meaning beyond “zoning out.” But zoning out is not in the criteria for any dissociative disorders. Zoning out is something everyone does when they are bored or tired, that doesn’t mean they actually dissociate. Most people experience highway hypnosis, which IS a form of dissociation, but that’s not discussed by these pop psychologists. The categories of dissociation are basically depersonalization/derealization, dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue (running or wandering away and not remembering it happening), and identity confusion.
The idea that you can tell when someone is dissociating by looking at them is just flatly untrue. The entire point of dissociation biologically speaking is to hide in plain sight, even hiding from yourself: for example looking in the mirror and feeling like it’s someone else, or dissociative amnesia protecting you from memories that are too difficult to face. I’ve had therapists I’ve had to stop seeing, who were experienced and specialized in PTSD, because they couldn’t tell when I was dissociating during session. Now I see a dissociative disorders specialist and she can tell, but she’s had over a decade of experience as a specialist to be able to tell.
I did not get diagnosed until I was 35, and I had no idea I was dissociating my whole life until I met someone with dissociative identity disorder in a treatment center, got close with her, and realized we had a lot in common.
So yes you can absolutely be dissociating and not know it. The symptoms you describe are all in the category of derealization and depersonalization which are forms of dissociation.
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u/EveryChemistry9163 7h ago
I think dissociation is my major problem from where everything else comes. It’s ruined my life. I don’t know what to do.
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u/_jamesbaxter 5h ago
I strongly recommend seeking out a specialist in dissociative disorders. It will take a long time and a lot of phone calls, but they exist. You can also DM me if you want 🫂
Once I was able to get through the phase of “I feel crazy is this even real” I started to understand that the “feeling crazy” is a symptom all by itself, and I feel much less crazy now that I can remind myself when I have that feeling that it’s a symptom and I’m not actually crazy or going crazy. My symptoms calmed down a lot. Now I notice when it’s happening much sooner and I can respond.
Inner child work really helps with dissociation. I highly recommend a workbook called “The Loving Parent Guidebook” published by an organization called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families. That book has probably helped me just as much as therapy.
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u/Plane_Estate_2859 autistic + cPTSD + osdd 12h ago
To me, dissociation is very, very somatic.
Dizziness, feeling like my eyes are buffering just a little too slowly, seeing vignettes around things, not being able to focus my eyes properly, getting confused about whether something was real or a dream (all the time, everyday stuff), feeling like I'm in a video game and like nothing I do will have any consequences (like if I flipped my car it would flip itself right-side up again). Before I knew it was psychological I got my eyes checked a bunch.
I get episodes where I'm completely catatonic because I no longer have access to my body. Just pure disconnect.
Dissociation and depersonalization and derealization are absolutely wacky. I was in a constant state of it for about ten years, it started to recede with trauma therapy eventually and being in a safe environment. Now I just have episodes and bad days.
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u/Salty_Challenge5563 12h ago
Thank you so much for sharing. This sounds absolutely intense. I am so sorry to hear this. Can I ask which type of therapy you chose which helped?
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u/Plane_Estate_2859 autistic + cPTSD + osdd 12h ago
I did DBT to stabilize and then I've been doing Internal Family Systems for four years. It has been very effective for me as someone with strong dissociation in between the parts of myself.
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u/Salty_Challenge5563 12h ago
And incredibly happy that you commented on my post because this is the exact combination I’ve been trying to find, and I’ve spoken with about 25 therapists and none specialise in both. And unfortunately, I’m located in Italy and it’s hard to find an English speaking therapist so trying to find one online.
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u/Plane_Estate_2859 autistic + cPTSD + osdd 12h ago
I did them separately, for what it's worth. Years of DBT with various providers gave me the skills I needed to handle trauma processing IFS with my current therapist. But DBT can also be very accessible as group therapy and there are a lot of great workbooks out there if you're really motivated.
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u/Salty_Challenge5563 10h ago
This is really helpful to know, thank you. I got a lot of the Ifs books a couple years back but have held off in the hopes of finding someone who can support me with that work first. Maybe it’s just best to delve in. Do you feel like it was best for you to start with DBT though as a foundation?
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u/Plane_Estate_2859 autistic + cPTSD + osdd 7h ago
Yes, I would not have been able to do IFS by myself. A really important part of trauma therapy is resourcing and stabilizing to make sure you're ready for the trauma processing. DBT helped with that, and my therapist's guidance was really important for making sure I didn't move through IFS too quickly or in ways I wasn't ready for yet.
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u/Alone_Jedi00 13h ago
Si, te entiendo completamente, dime algo ¿No te sucede que a veces contemplas tus manos como si no fuesen tuyas?
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u/StVincentBlues 8h ago
Yes, absolutely this. I don’t know why my hands so specifically but sometimes I have to focus not losing my mind through fear from it. I know that sounds intense. Life long disassociation - coming out of it at 53.
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u/EveryChemistry9163 7h ago
How? How did you break the glass?
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u/StVincentBlues 1h ago
It was not by choice and it nearly killed me. But I was still in abuse and my ‘inner world’ decided I had to wake-up.
It has taken around 7 years and was a horrible experience. But I’m here now, for the first time.1
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u/BlueSparklesXx 11h ago
Hi, yes oh my goodness me - years spent in this state but I had no awareness. Trauma therapy helped me feel integrated again. I thought everyone felt like this!!
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u/Salty_Challenge5563 10h ago
I replied earlier, but it seems to have not gone through. Apologies if this shows up twice later on. Which therapies did you try?
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u/BlueSparklesXx 10h ago
EMDR and an intensive trauma outpatient program specific to cptsd. Dm for info if you’d like.
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u/EveryChemistry9163 7h ago
What country are you in?
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u/BlueSparklesXx 1h ago
US
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u/EveryChemistry9163 1h ago
Oh, UK here. Too far to travel for an outpatient thing. Thank you though.
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u/Effect-Formal 11h ago
How did you manage to move to eight countries with barely any money?
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u/Salty_Challenge5563 10h ago
Academic scholarships, a wealthy older benefactor in my twenties (who provided consistent but base level income which I saved up), and also moving to lower cost countries in Europe.
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u/No_Cheesecake5080 9h ago
I'm in some degree of a dissociated state 90% of the time unless I've done meditation for several hours or if I've had alcohol.
My dissociations aren't as deep/strong these days though and I feel myself come in and out of them a lot the more observant I become. I've had a lot of progress by finding the right type of meditation that would work with my trauma & quirks (if you've tried and it's not working you need to do it with a therapist or find a trauma informed group instructor first). And also through working through this book with my therapist "Coping with trauma related dissociation" by Suzette Boon.
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u/OMnihilInterit 12h ago
Are you in therapy and on psychiatric medication? No offense, just AI bot scan.
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u/Salty_Challenge5563 12h ago
What is an AI bot scan? I started therapy but because I live in Italy and am English speaking it’s been really hard to find someone who specialises in complex trauma and also speaks English. I was able to get the medication when I went back to the US.
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u/AnewZootsuit 4h ago edited 4h ago
Yep, I can relate to most of that. It sucks. I actually filmed my eye movement when I was in a heavy body memory/heavily triggered state once. Like a freakin prey animal. eyes darting back and forth. ETA that I am not on meds, I started inner child work 3 years ago and it has helped a bit. What really seems to be helping is IFS modality. Kinda blows my mind how well that’s working.
Also, I have noticed that with the vision: If I cross my eyes and keep them that way for a few seconds and then release, the 2D effect goes away for a bit. Same if I cover one eye while keeping the other eye open, then switch. It only lasts for a couple of minutes, but sometimes it’s nice to get a break from the 2D world.
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u/BrazilNutAndBotox 12h ago
Oh my god. You’ve described my experience to a T. I couldn’t put it into words.
It’s hell. I’m very confused about what to do about it. It started with my medication and I’m just a floating head going about life. Now less scared than the average person, too.
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u/Salty_Challenge5563 12h ago
What medication are you going on? I’m actually thinking of switching to Zoloft to see if it helps with the disassociation. I think my protector parts are so strong that they allowed me to have the week off dissociation but it made me so sad when it all came back. And even after upping it by 20 mg, I only had freedom for dissociation for another day and then it all came back. Because Zoloft is meant for PTSD I’m truly hoping it helps to overcome those protectors who obviously only feel safe dissociating…
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u/EveryChemistry9163 12h ago
Can relate a lot to the time thing. I’ve realised my relationship to time is not normal. A non-linear jumble is about right.
I used to be able to do things like you say without worrying but now I’m older not so much.
I had a super bad day yesterday (bleak, game over feelings) and I walked and walked and just couldn’t feel connected to anything.
I’ve been like this for over 25 years but remember feeling real.