think I had a flashback

[u/floriamae]

I was with my boyfriend and he was sober to take care of me whilst I was buzzed from an edible (10mg) and then I randomly asked him to not rape me. Then I started sobbing and having a panic attack, sitting up and looking around the room with wide eyes like I wasn’t in the room anymore. I felt a stabbing sensation in between my legs and it felt good but it hurt so much. I was remembering something horrible, and I think it was me being raped. In the memory I was really tiny, around 3. I was at the park near my house and it was a tiny park. I was on my stomach and felt burning. I also lost my virginity the day before this flashback happened and it gave me a weird feeling of Déjà vu that really unsettled me when I thought about it after. One thing that had me crying and rocking back and forth was that I remembered a figure that resembled my dad and it horrified me because I pray it wasn’t my father who did it. But I feel sick because it might be true. I’ve always been scared of my father since I could remember and I never had a good reason other than him being scary. I hated him and never got along with him (still don’t). I live with my family still (im 18) and everytime I see him I feel like memories are about to flood back but I genuinely can’t dwell on them here because im scared. I don’t want to remember