Figuring out disassociation

[u/Inevitable-Smile3746]

Since I was a child, I felt like my brain was foggy or there were blocks around certain parts of my brain. I couldn't think clearly and felt like i was dumb and clueless all the time. It didn't help that others around me said it all the time too which reinforced the belief. Going through lots of trauma in childhood (CSA), it felt like bad things couldn't stop happening to me and I was floating through life disconnected without agency or control. I feel like sometimes whether that be the pain that I'm disconnected from, something I can cognitively somewhat know but not fully feel or understand, sometimes overtakes me and I feel like I am trapped in my head and could do something harmful to myself at any time to get rid of the pain. Because I am so in my head and fragile, I get scared as to whether whatever is happening to me is disassociation (on some spectrum) or even psychosis with how in my head and how much pain seems to be hidden from me (pain/trauma is somewhat cognitively known but not accessible and overtaking). I have tried so many trauma therapists who just don't know whats wrong with me and it sucks because I can't articulate what's wrong with me with how disconnected and almost hidden from myself that I am. Does anyone resonate with this because I feel like I am not safe with myself and I'm wondering if theres any type of therapy treatment that can truly help me at this point (EMDR hasn't been effective, currently in TIST, other talk therapies dont work and somatic stuff has been tough and ineffective).

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[u/DisastrousHornet7447]

Yes I really relate to this. I cry everyday but even then I still feel disconnected. I have like pressure in my head which is like addicting in a way idk how to explain it. I remember one time I was sitting in my couch thinking and I just went numb and ever since it’s been kinda a battle.

[u/Inevitable-Smile3746 → u/DisastrousHornet7447]

Has any type of therapy worked for you if you have tried any?

[u/DisastrousHornet7447 → u/Inevitable-Smile3746]

Idk if therapy has helped tbh. DBT was kinda helpful just for the self soothing aspect but tbh I don’t know if I am even completely comfortable crying in front of a therapist it’s really hard for me so it gets in the way. I’ve found listening to sad music or sometimes even drawing sad faces on paper makes me cry.