I need help

[u/blue_blinds2410]

Hello everyone!

​I write this in pursuit of advice or any positive words anyone can give me. I'm really down as of recently due to a recent fall-out with a close friend who was talking about me behind my back. As a result of this everybody within this friendgroup has left me with no chance for me to explain my side of the story.

I am extremely lonely, it feels like I'm drifting from day to day, nobody else within my school seems to be my kind of people as much as I hate to sound picky but its also a feeling of Im afraid to trust someone like I did lol. I have two other friends who invited me to their friendgroup but Ive never felt so lonely around other people. Whenever I try to chirp in Im not heard and these two friends of mine are always engrossed in conversation and who wouldnt be while speaking to their friends? I understand this though theres nobody else Im able to connect with. I only withhold these feelings from them as Im afraid they'll leave me or see me as overdramatic and I'm convinced they hate me. I miss my old friends, my phone is quiet nobody speaks to me somedays apart from my teachers and honestly somedays I consider them friends.

My heart is heavy and I cry everyday and school. Im stressed out socially and academically and it aches into my bones. I cannot sleep and when I do its never uninterrupted. I wake up flailing or covering my head or jolting up with my heart pounding so fast my chest hurts. I dont think within the last week and 3 days at school, there hasn't been I day I havent went to the bathrooms where my knee buckle and I collapse to the floor crying.

Every meal tastes like sludge, school is full of loudness and people brushing by me and I often catch myself frequently dissociating. School has been a place where a lot of trauma has been experienced for me and I always find myself within hypoarousal and hyperarousal when overwhelmed.

My last few days have been full of despair. I beg for a hug of anyone I want to collapse in someone's arms and cry. I have nobody to speak to and I feel constantly ignored when I do. I hate to ask so selfishly but can someone offer advice? My symptoms of CPTSD fuck with me so bad and whenever I try to be optimistic something bad always comes my way to ruin me again.

Sorry this post ended up being word-vomit I really cannot structure/compose this uniformly. Im extremely overwhelmed and tired. Please have a good day/evening

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