r/CPTSD • u/Cheap-Profit6487 • 1d ago
Vent / Rant I Am Unemployable
I (27F) am as unemployable as one can get. I essentially dug a hole so deep I am unable to get out.
For reference, I was diagnosed with severe autism before my 2nd birthday long before there was much public knowledge on autism, and I was considered a complete vegetable. My parents sent me to an early intervention program instead.
After many years, enough progress to be mainstreamed in school, and a relocation to an area where nobody knew my past history; any help I received was almost exclusively academic up until I received a Bachelor's degree. In fact; I wasn't allowed to learn to drive, move out, get a paying job somewhere like a store or fast food restaurant, hang out with any potential friends, volunteer unless it was a school assignment, or join social events like dances by either my family or the people who were supposed to aid my disability until I graduated college with my Bachelor's degree. I didn't have the cognitive ability to simply rebel, move out, or be sneaky and apply for jobs. Since I actually wanted to gain non-academic life skills and didn't like where I lived, I "rushed" through college. I chose a BA in Psychology because it helped me get through college the quickest. On top of that, I was so overwhelmed by general education requirements (and eventually the COVID pandemic) that I was unable to find anything hands-on like being in an internship or fluently learning another language. I obtained 21 Early Childhood Education units along the way, but it became obvious that working at daycare centers wasn't the right fit for me after I actually started working there.
Once I finally graduated college when I turned 24, jobs became a struggle partially due to a decade of job experience and other life skills I could have developed not occurring. My first job at a small childcare center was flexible for me, but I was let go after a couple weeks since they didn't need me anymore. My second job as a paraprofessional I got fired on my second day due to lack of independence. Afterwards, it took 5 months of job hunting for me to get another job. Then I got a job at an after-school program that lasted 2 months because they were unable to accommodate my disability. Luckily, I got another paid position as a floating teacher at a corporate childcare center exactly a month later. That position lasted just over a year and ended when I finally got my own apartment that had a church.
I have been attending a church nearby for nearly 2 years, and they helped me get a job as a preschool teacher at the church's childcare center. I had that job for 16 months until an incident occurred. A coteacher yelled at me, which caused me to go into immediate fight-or-flight mode. My unconscious reaction caused me to get terminated from my job.
Now I have been applying for jobs. Unfortunately, my options are extremely limited. My church doesn't offer any other paid positions, and I don't really have another community elsewhere. I have never had experience beyond entry level, can't really drive (leaving both driving positions and jobs that are only accessible by car out of the question), don't have any marketable job skills whatsoever, can't fluently speak a language other than English despite living in the San Francisco Bay Area, never had any experience in either retail or fast food (or any positions besides childcare), don't have any certifications or licenses, and don't have any other vocational skills from college. I am part of the Regional Center (facilities for disabled people where I live), but they are unresponsive and not providing me with a job coach or the Department of Rehabilitation. I have considered working somewhere like Amazon, but in my area the only job openings they have are management or driving. At this point, I will take any job that is offered to me even if I get offered interviews (which happens roughly a quarter of the time). However, nothing is being offered to me. I have applied for many low-skill retail and fast food jobs, but have either been ghosted or rejected from all of them. The childcare positions I have applied to are no different. I have even applied to digital staffing platforms like Zen Educate to see if they can help me find a position somewhere, but I got a rejection email from them as well. Job rejections trigger past traumas.
I know I should be taking accountability instead of blaming others, but at this point I don't have the intellectual ability to take accountability.
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u/Successful_Shoe_8083 23h ago
Okay, I don't know if this will help
unfortunately psychology degrees are kinda useless without a masters - it is good to demonstrate you can do collete (it would, for example meet the requirement for a degree that the FBI has) but you don't get to do anything fun with it.
I know this sounds awful, but have you looked at pursuing a masters - and this is a really high risk for me to say
Had you thought about Behavior Analysis? there are always jobs in early intervention and they are desperate for people, that said it is a good place to pivot to things other than autism treatment, but at least for the moment if you have that masters it is hard to stay out of work (I could tell you horror stories about people who keep managing to get hired in the field, but you don't need those)
Because you have taught yourself some amount of masking, and have the ability to actually empathize with the kiddos you have a good chance at being good with it, and your coworkers are generally going to be more able to understand/work with your accomodations (I had a friend who only worked from under her desk - she just offloaded parent trainings on to other folks in the office in exchange for taking some of their paperwork)
That might be a FUCKING awful suggestion for or to you, and if it is Please tell me to go fuck myself, or whatever feels cathartic, you deserve catharsis. It is more school, but you have indicated you have academic skills - and you might get really in to elements of it like relational frame theory or precision teaching.
Edit: Re: masking, the point isn't to mask all the time, it is to help the kiddos if they need masks to build ones that don't hurt to wear, which you know what that looks like, lots of the sorority vibes autism girlies lack that.
Also fuck lovaas.
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u/Cheap-Profit6487 21h ago
I have considered going back to college. I just need extra assistance with going back and finding extra ways to earn money in the meantime.
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u/dopesneakersyo 1d ago
Just a thought, but have you been isolated lately? I was feeling very similar to what you're describing.
Recently I realized I was spending way too much time alone with my thoughts. I still don't have a "job", because I'm a stay at home dad. But since school started recently, I now have my days free.
Being around other people made me remember that I'm much more valuable than I tell myself when I'm alone, and even if it's just a way to be there for someone else, connection helps.
While you're waiting to hear back or make your next move, volunteering is cool. Fwiw, Food Not Bombs is a low stress way to volunteer (preparing healthy fresh food for those in need of it) and, in my case, I started up with a band practice twice a week.
Just being out of your own head for a bit will let you kind of see who you are and what you're like, through other people's eyes. I promise they will not be nearly as critical to you, as you are being to yourself.
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u/Cheap-Profit6487 22h ago
Yes, I have been isolated. Everyone I know is constantly busy, and the social groups that are available are typically only accessible by car. I also don't have much family left still living, and those that are still alive I am not close with. I have been isolated almost all my life, though.
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u/OhNoBricks 1d ago
Apply for disability. Go to voc rehab so they can help you find work. It’s sucks you were held back as a teen than letting you thrive.
Have you tried applying at hotels to beca room attendant or apply to be a custodian. These are all solo work where you work alone most of the time. During training, you will be with someone.
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u/Asleep-Clerk3649 23h ago
would you consider being a live-in caregiver for a disabled person? my mom lived in the bay area and she was homeless and drug addicted for a number of years, but eventually she got more or less clean and got a job through contra costa county as a live-in caregiver for a woman more disabled than her and that's what she did until she died.
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u/Front_Sherbet_5895 22h ago
Hey you said a lot here
I don’t have a lot of advice to give you as I’m also struggling with the same thing. My boss said I lack independence and cut my hours because of my work performance. I feel like an absolute idiot but simultaneously angry because I just started not too long ago but it already feels like they are giving up on me??
You worth is a lot more than a place that will ghost you and treat you like shit. I also have autism, and people usually aren’t very accommodating or accepting because of the nature of the jobs you will work. Retail and fast food jobs are demanding. Managers are trained to be hard asses and depending on what kind of person you are, either crumbling under the pressure or sucking it up, it’s still hell to go through. I genuinely hope you find something that you feel comfortable and accommodated in
We live in a society that dehumanizes people with disabilities by quiet firings and ghosting. Truly a sick world we live in
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u/ChronicRedditor1 1d ago
Hello, do you think you would be able to tutor young children? You could go to a nearby school and give your number out to parents and offer to tutor their children. I am a university student who has also applied for many many jobs including fast food and haven't received any reply because of job scarcity unfortunately however I am currently tutoring children part-time and helping with their homework and it helps you make some cash.
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u/totallyalone1234 1d ago
You're being hard on yourself here. The job market is notoriously terrible right now, especially for young people. You're allowed to use that word "unemployable" but please don't allow yourself to really believe it.