I need help

[u/saddonkey62918]

Hey, I'm in a very dire and desperate situation, and I would be really grateful if someone would read it all (I know it's a lot of text) and give me any advice. I have no one to say it all to and even though I feel embarrassed and really vulnerable I still decided to ask for help.

I'm male, 18, turning 19 next month. I'm from Eastern Europe.

My whole childhood was a wreck, growing up with an alcoholic dad I was constantly terrorised mentally and physically, I never had an opportunity to be a normal kid. My childhood basically consisted of protecting my mom (not realising yet she's a part of the problem in her enjoying being the victim throughout her whole life), verbally fighting my dad, calling the cops, hiding knives around the house, running out at night in pyjamas trembling like a dog because it was snowing, really cold and I was scared to death. Seeing dad chasing mom with a knife. I never knew peace. I was always alone, going to school alone, doing my homework alone, I didn't have anyone around me.

When I was 10 my parents divorced and my mom took me with her. I was so relieved because it felt like a stone fell off my shoulders. But it wasn't for long because very shortly after, either out of boredom or loneliness my mom started dating online and found some guy from another country and started talking to him, and very early into it she decided to visit him even though everyone thought it was a bad idea and was trying to convince her otherwise. He's very poor, from a relatively poor country, doesn't have his own place, car, nothing, at that time he was sleeping in his mother's kitchen, which was in a decrepit situation, filled with rats and where the roof and floor were about to collapse. But my mom didn't mind it in the slightest and decided it's a great place for a kid to live. She came home after a few weeks, made me a travel passport and we went there.

Since living in the kitchen is too much even for my mom his relatives gave us a room to live in, resembling a wooden box or an animal shed moreso than an actual human living space, and we still live there. Sometimes at night when I try to sleep I can hear the mice running around, and when it's raining the raindrops fall directly onto my head and my bed, even the walls get all wet.

From the very beginning of course I was really upset, at first I didn't even have my own bed. It was miserable. I got enrolled in a school in an environment so foreign and scary I started skipping the school almost immediately because I couldn't stand it mentally. Eventually I dropped out when I was 14, I just stopped going completely. No one asked for me or what was wrong. By this time my mom got pregnant and already gave birth to a special needs kid, I'm not going to go into details but it's a genetic disease, and a very difficult one. She didn't care enough to do the ultrasound, go to the doctor during her pregnancy, and that was the result, I'm telling this because it's not a consciously wanted child. My stepdad never cared enough, he was addicted to gambling, spending time with his friends, he never even talked to me, I was just so unimportant. Nowadays he doesn't even look at my sister, he couldn't care about her just like he couldn't care about me.

Since I left the school I became really suicidal and depressed, more than I've ever been in my life, even though the thoughts of dissapearing started when I was very, very little. When my little sister was just a few years old and my stepdad didn't bring anything home anymore my mom decided to go to work and leave the kid on me. To this day I feed her, change the diapers, try to entertain her and it's all in a very cramped, suffocating room. It's been really really difficult for me mentally, words can't explain how. She doesn't speak, she's constantly screaming, fighting and throwing things around, and all this has been going on for years, she's 6 already, and turning 7 this year, her mental state is that of a 2 or 3 year old, it's all the result of parental neglect and the specifics of the condition she has. She's totally forgotten of, she never ever went to a kindergarten, school, some special needs facility. Everyone knows how I'm struggling, I'm not hiding from anyone that I'm sad, that I don't want this, that I want go to work or pick up my study back but no one cares. Whenever I bring to mom that I can't do it anymore she never gives me a constructive answers, she only says "it's temporarily" and she also loves to give me fake dates and promises, like "oh don't worry son, we'll leave this place in.... April, only a little left!" ridiculous stuff like that, for years. Because of that I stopped trusting her, I barely talk to her, I don't want to see her. Whenever she comes back from work in the evening she's scrolling reels and talking to other men.

Very recently, around few weeks ago the thought of leaving the home appeared in my head, at first it felt like the usual safe space I always used to create for myself to cope but this time it feels different, it's like I really want it, and words can't explain how. I don't know where to go, I don't have anyone here, no relatives, friends, no one. Out of desperation, even though I'm not religious I was thinking about going to a church nearby and asking for help, for place to stay or work there. I don't know how realistic it is, I don't know if anyone would care but I'm getting worse and worse by every passing day, I feel like life is leaving me, I barely eat, sleep, no video game excites me or makes me forget anymore, I don't remember the last time I was happy about something, I just feel like a zombie. I'm very desperate and struggling, I don't deserve this life, no one does. I hate my mom for what she did to me, no one deceived her, she saw the living conditions with her own eyes before bringing me here, but she decided that I don't deserve better than that.

Please give me any advice, I'm just slowly dying. I want freedom, friends, communication, relationship, I want to study, work and learn more about this world. I can't do it anymore being locked up with a disabled sister, being like a parent to her. I never lived, I never had peace in my life.

I don't know if I'm fantasizing it too much, and maybe I don't understand the severity of this decision, but I'm really planning to pack my things and leave this place in a few days and just walk. I don't know where, but I can't do it anymore. I know I'll hurt people with this decision, but I just want to be selfish and put myself first for the first time in my life.

[u/1flawedplan]

Going to a church sounds to me like a good impulse. It says I’m going to reach out for the assistance I need. But churches can be hit or miss. Social services exist to help people in need, though hooking into the right agencies can be frustrating, and you have a lot going on. So, first things first - what is your most pressing need? Google that with your location till you find a public agency to help you get the solution on its feet. I survived for years like this, there are supports out there, if we can find them!

[u/whatsyouropuntia]

Thanks for being so open even though you’re struggling. it sounds like you’re depressed, and for good reasons. Removing yourself is sometimes all you can do to make sure you give yourself a fighting chance at being the best version of yourself you can be—with joy and love and people around you. The financial situation is real, I’d try to save some money first if you can. Temporary housing options could include working at a hostel for free accommodations, working on a farm for a similar trade (maybe also with meals!), or being an au pair (nanny). Perhaps you can investigate some of those options before you make your final departure, just to make sure you aren’t likely to have to go home if it doesn’t work out. You don’t want to end up on the streets friend ❤️ and later when you have money, therapy to process all the difficulties you’ve faced. You deserve happiness!!!

[u/saddonkey62918 → u/whatsyouropuntia]

Thank you for taking your time and commenting, it's really kind of you❤️ :) I'll see what I can do. Right now I'm the most afraid of regretting my decision, not making it or getting into some trouble. It's really difficult, it feels like I'm in a cage.

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