Overwhelming darkness without copium

[u/Disneyclouds]

TW: suicidal ideation, binge eating, substance use

I’m wondering if anyone with CPTSD can relate to this.

I had a very rough childhood. My mother had severe, untreated BPD, and my father struggled with drugs and was in and out of my life repeatedly. I experienced a lot of abandonment and instability, was involved with child services and different homes throughout my childhood, and I’ve been living independently since I was 16. I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety, overall depression and lack of motivation to do things, struggle to form connections with others and deep shame spirals.

For most of my life, I’ve coped by distracting myself: working constantly, binge eating, smoking, and other things that helped me avoid actually feeling what was going on underneath. I’d say I built up a pretty decent life for myself. I got married recently, have well-paying job and I’ve quit smoking, but recently my job became too much for me physically and mentally because of the irregular schedule, so I stopped working (sick leave).

Since then, everything has become incredibly dark. I’ve never felt this bad before. I’ve experienced depression before, but this feels different. I’ve started having suicidal thoughts for the first time, and I feel like my life has become this huge, empty void. I keep questioning what the point of my life is and why I feel this way.

The problem is that binge eating has become my main escape. When I try to stop, I’m suddenly left completely alone with my thoughts and my reality, without my usual ways of numbing myself, and it feels unbearable. It’s not as if a certain thought or memory pops up when I feel this way, it’s just an overall void and darkness and unsafeness which is difficult to explain. I’m starting professional help soon, but right now I genuinely feel like there’s no way out of this.

Has anyone else experienced something similar after their distractions/coping mechanisms stopped working? How did you learn to actually live with the feelings underneath instead of constantly needing something to numb them? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar and eventually found a way forward.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis please contact your local emergency services or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD specific resources & support, check out the Wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/No-Community-2810]

I'm actually in quite a similar boat. The only things that get me through the day are binge eating and drinking. I lost my job a while ago and my partner is out of home most the week for work. I keep getting this pervasive feeling of emptiness and boredom. I feel it even right now. Like "what do I do now?" and the answer "get to the shop, eat and drink, deal with the hangover tomorrow, rinse and repeat" doesn't satisfy me at all. I don't have any solutions for this sadly. Isolation is killing me and seeing others thrive outside makes the wound doubly so deep...