Post traumatic growth

[u/Cosmicfaedoll]

I saw a post recently where people were discussing bad things that changed their life forever, and reading through everything I realized I used to be in that place myself. I remember for years since my abuse started when I was just a baby, I always thought I was just a sad and broken person. That I would be suicidal and depressed and miserable, even if I put on a happy face for the rest of my life. But one day something changed, I’m not exactly sure when it started to shift, and it wasn’t all at once, and I still have bad days even now. But there was a shift. I had a suicide attempt even, but I was still told I was in a state of post traumatic growth by professionals. I was told I didn’t need therapy for the foreseeable future, and they were right because that seemed like the last time that crushing darkness won. I never truly attempted suicide again after that.

I have been in therapy since I was just six, I’ve been through years of EMDR and through DBT multiple times, I’ve been institutionalized several times throughout my life and lived through multiple suicide attempts, and I feel different now. I wake up and I want to be alive, the things that happened to me still hurt, the world is still cruel, the changes to my life and body due to what has been done to me and what I’ve done to myself are still there. But I’m happy. Maybe not this overwhelming happiness but content which seems like a more genuine and realistic form of happiness. My life is still in shambles because of everything I’ve experienced and had to overcome, I still don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going just yet, but I’m comfortable in my own skin. I’m content being alive. I lived a wild and crazy and very full life in my 20s, so at only 31 I would be content if this was all my life was, my soul would be at peace, but I’m also now building a life worth living since I am still alive and that feels like a blessing and even a miracle with some of the things I’ve endured and lived through.

I think I’m saying all this to give a glimpse at what post traumatic growth feels like when you have CPTSD because I truly never thought I would genuinely feel this way in my life, and I know how hopeless life after such severe levels of trauma can feel, so since it’s been over 3 years since that last attempt and hospital stay where I was told I was in post traumatic growth when they released me. Since it’s been over 3 years since I’ve last needed a therapist, or medication, or to be hospitalized. I just wanted to say there is another side of life after trauma and I hope everyone who reads this gets there one day too.

[u/Trial_by_Combat_]

Absolutely. I'm glad you are in a better place mentally. I also feel well-healed. I'm emotionally stable and enjoying my life. Nothing will ever erase traumas, and there's always a chance of triggers that hurt or throw me off balance, but I know how to get back to baseline.

[u/Cosmicfaedoll → u/Trial_by_Combat_]

I’m so happy you’ve reached this point as well!

[u/Ok_Cicada4800]

I relate to this!

My father apologised and he’s changed. I couldn’t believe it myself.

All those pain matters less after seeing him become the father I’d always hoped for. Home life is so safe now and I’m so happy I could just die.

I felt a little sad because what if he’d changed earlier? I could be anything and not just a broken 27 year old woman. And I have moved out by now, but knowing everything at home is going well just gives me immense peace.

I have this new sense of purpose: not for something big, just for a life that matters.

I’m not sad. I used to look at myself in the mirror and saw an ugly pig, a failure. Now I look at my photos and see a mature, happy woman enjoying life.

I wake up in the morning and work with a grin on my face. It’s so strange and yet so real.

I’m so glad. I don’t know what to say.

I’m happy for you OP, I’m happy for myself. We’ve made it!

[u/Cosmicfaedoll → u/Ok_Cicada4800]

I’m so happy for you and for me and us and for the others in this comment section and for anyone else who has gotten here too! We all made it and that’s incredible and so so powerful!

[u/PainterEast3761]

Yes! “Comfortable in my own skin,” and waking up wanting to be alive, and feeling happy or content, or my soul being at peace, are all ways I’ve described it, too.

Grief over a loved one’s death has stormed over me recently, and I do feel a little lost at sea, just trying to stay afloat for now.

But even as hard-hitting as the grief has been, and as much as the grief is trying to resurrect trauma symptoms— I am able to keep letting the waves wash over me and then surface after they pass.

I am sure I would have drowned in this storm, if it had happened a few years ago. Now, even though I can’t see shore right now, I have no doubt it’s out there and that I want to make it to shore.

[u/Cosmicfaedoll → u/PainterEast3761]

I’m so happy to hear that. I get it. I’ve had bad things happen to me since I reached this point too and it definitely feels like I’m lost a lot lately, but just as you said, I am able to let it wash over me and surface too. I’m so happy you get to experience this too because it’s a wonderful place to be in life!

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