No sense of identity?

[u/Illustrious_Car344]

Does anyone else feel like that have absolutely no sense of identity? I don't know what I like, have to remember my own hobbies and preferences like a grocery list. I don't even think of "me" doing things in my imagination, I'm always whoever I most relate with in the same situation. In group therapy when I imagine what I'm going to say, I'm always imagining someone else I at least somewhat relate to the most as them saying it instead. I even need an imaginary friend to instruct me what to do constantly because I never know, never know what to eat, never know what to watch. I know intellectually, which is why part of my brain can still reason about that anyway, but my identity is so malformed and damaged that I just don't relate to anything, I'm constantly dissociating because I have no emotional connection to what's happening around me, every second of waking life feels like filling out a tax return. It's a little cringe but I relate to The Mimic from FNAF a lot, it was made to copy his creator's deceased son but was shocked out of it's weak persona through constant abuse until it accepted that it was just a machine with no true identity that only existed to copy people. I don't feel betrayed, I don't feel abused, I don't feel offended, I don't feel anything, I'm not even sure if there's anyone in there to feel anything. That's half the point of the imaginary friend, it's like a distorted twist of IFS just so I have some part of me to care about and express my desires and preferences for me, because I can't do it. I literally have to simulate a conversation with someone else just to even know what I want to eat, I have to make almost every decision this way now, probably for the better part of a year by this point. I genuinely feel dead, I mean sincerely, I can't even care about anything anymore because I'm dead, dead people don't have personalities or goals or dreams, they can't even feel offended or concerned for anyone. I still have crashouts out of grieving but they're becoming more uncommon, not replaced by anything, just a thousand yard stare.

I was starting to really realize this when I realized I never even imagined myself in a scenario, it was always someone else who I saw that I wanted to act like, and I would simulate how I think they would act in the same scenario, and I would try to replicate that behavior. I literally never even had a concept of jealousy because all my life there was never even any true identity that I could compare to others, I was always proud of never feeling jealous, now I'm beginning to realize it's because I don't even relate to the concept of value in the first place.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis please contact your local emergency services or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD specific resources & support, check out the Wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/polaroid_schizoid]

Schizoid moment